Dating a very close friend, but have a concern.

[whysotough]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first post here, and though I have been lurking around for some time, I finally made the decision to create an account today, to take advantage of this extremely informative and helpful forum.

 

I have to start by saying, I have always dated girls for the wrong reasons.

I have almost always been in stressful, unhealthy relationships.

It seemed like I had always just fallen for the wrong girl, and for the wrong reasons.

 

Fast forward till a few months ago, and I have been dating one of my best friends who I get along with extremely well. We have an EXTREMELY healthy relationship, we talk about everything, I love spending time with her, and we care about each other a lot. Everything has been really great so far.

She is an incredible person, and I know she would make an amazing wife/mother some day.

The ONLY thing that is missing is that I do not find the crazy attraction that I have had in my previous relationships, and I am not sure if this is an issue.

I am attracted to her, I do think she is beautiful, but it is honestly not like it used to be in my previous relationships. It was always a really big spark in my past relationships, and extremely sexual. The physical attraction used to be on a different level.

I am not sure if this is because I have known her for much longer, or because I didnt look at her in that way previously, or maybe because I am just older now, but I am just concerned if this should be an issue at all.

This by no means is resulting in me or her being unhappy in the relationship.

 

She understands me like no other person, and I think I do too. I am very happy to have come to my senses and finally date a girl for the right reasons for once, and for once in my life I actually am in a relationship with a girl that cares for me as much as I care for her, and in a relationship that does not drain me.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts on the attraction issue though.

Thank you in advance!

[BaileyB]

So, you have had a spark and a crazy sexual attraction in the past... and how has that worked out for you. Unhappy, unhealthy relationships.

 

The most intense relationships tends to burn bright but burn out quickly because there may not be any kind of compatibility that supports a long term relationship.

 

What you have now is a healthy relationship with a compatable partner. But, you are still looking for more... Go figure.

 

What you have now is probably closer to what you should be looking for in a long term relationship. You are attracted to her, you are compatable in many ways, you enjoy being with her and she treats you well - this is what EVERYONE is looking for! Don't throw it away because it doesn't feel like what you think it should feel like - what you are used to is crazy unhealthy, by your own admission.

 

Be grateful for her and love her... the love and affection will grow over time like a slow burning fire... it may start out small but it grows and grows into the most incredible warmth.

 

Best wishes.

Edited April 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[preraph]

It is because you have known her so long. Now you're like an old married couple. I got kind of herded into a relationship with a close male friend and I really regret it. It was bad timing in the extreme, but although I found him attractive, I was used to being just friends and I only enjoyed sex with him comfortably but not passionately, and I like to at least have the passion for awhile, you know.

 

This wouldn't have worked for me, but think of how you'd feel is she started dating some other guy and see if you can muster some excitement that way.

[todreaminblue]

intense sexual attraction will fade ...the honeymoon period ends...and what you are left with is two people willing to work at romance......to build fires and keep them going...i actually prefer that to start at teh friends stage and build fires.....and i have done it.....that to me is always more long lasting and intense

 

you set the intensity by how hard you are willing to work at it.....and i dont think there is a better feeling than knowing someone that well you just fit together.....someone you can be totally honest with who can wake up next to you and appreciate the tired eyes...the baggy shirts the well worn pjs.....that best friend who is actually your partner. .....who cares for you more than another could...dont let that go..knowing that person...their heart htei rmind their body.....for a fading flame with a wrong woman...just because ti feels liek that flame is hotter.........build your fires well...you have a good start...keep it burning.....do romantic things..work at it.....deb

[whysotough]

So, you have had a spark and a crazy sexual attraction in the past... and how has that worked out for you. Unhappy, unhealthy relationships.

 

The most intense relationships tends to burn bright but burn out quickly because there may not be any kind of compatibility that supports a long term relationship.

 

What you have now is a healthy relationship with a compatable partner. But, you are still looking for more... Go figure.

 

What you have now is probably closer to what you should be looking for in a long term relationship. You are attracted to her, you are compatable in many ways, you enjoy being with her and she treats you well - this is what EVERYONE is looking for! Don't throw it away because it doesn't feel like what you think it should feel like - what you are used to is crazy unhealthy, by your own admission.

 

Be grateful for her and love her... the love and affection will grow over time like a slow burning fire... it may start out small but it grows and grows into the most incredible warmth.

 

Best wishes.

 

It is because you have known her so long. Now you're like an old married couple. I got kind of herded into a relationship with a close male friend and I really regret it. It was bad timing in the extreme, but although I found him attractive, I was used to being just friends and I only enjoyed sex with him comfortably but not passionately, and I like to at least have the passion for awhile, you know.

 

This wouldn't have worked for me, but think of how you'd feel is she started dating some other guy and see if you can muster some excitement that way.

 

intense sexual attraction will fade ...the honeymoon period ends...and what you are left with is two people willing to work at romance......to build fires and keep them going...i actually prefer that to start at teh friends stage and build fires.....and i have done it.....that to me is always more long lasting and intense

 

you set the intensity by how hard you are willing to work at it.....and i dont think there is a better feeling than knowing someone that well you just fit together.....someone you can be totally honest with who can wake up next to you and appreciate the tired eyes...the baggy shirts the well worn pjs.....that best friend who is actually your partner. .....who cares for you more than another could...dont let that go..knowing that person...their heart htei rmind their body.....for a fading flame with a wrong woman...just because ti feels liek that flame is hotter.........build your fires well...you have a good start...keep it burning.....do romantic things..work at it.....deb

 

 

Thank you guys so much for the prompt and extremely extremely useful responses.

The current girl I am dating is the same person I have always gone to for any worry in my life, and this is just one thing I haven't been able to talk to her about, because I really don't want to jeopardise our relationship or have her feel at all insecure.

It is the absolute truth that with all the spark in my previous relationships, i was always left in an unhealthy and insecure relationship. I have always been the one that puts most the effort, and have always just never felt good enough.

 

I will take all the excellent advice given, and focus on the bigger picture.

I have genuinely never come across a more sincere and caring person in my life.

I can talk to her about anything, and we can talk for hours, we get along very well, we enjoy doing similar things, and we always compromise for one another.

It just seems like a relationship that can last.

I just had a silly worry in my head that I should always feel sexual towards her like I had been previously.

I am not sure if its because I have known her for over 7 years, most of which I never looked at her that way (because i was dating other people, and I just didnt see her that way), but I do know that she has always been my person, and I was such a fool to have missed what was in front of me the whole time.

 

Thank you guys so much for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

[spiderowl]

Imagine she meets someone else who she feels that spark with and indulges in a passionate relationship with them. How would you feel? Would sexual jealousy rear its head?

[mikeylo]

I agree with all the responses above.

 

Sometimes all it takes is to see her in a different set of clothes! Not saying that you tell her how to dress but next time , go shopping together and nudge her to just try a sexy outfit ( not get , just try in the fitting room).

 

All you probably need is to see her as a sexy woman.

 

Let her stay in her comfort zone if she dresses conservative but doing some sexy dressing doesn't hurt Maybe deep down you aren't even attracted to those things and that's why you both click.

 

Get naughty and you could be surprised. But what you have , is something that isn't something you get everyday. What you don't have is something under your control and can be worked.

[preraph]

^ Agree. And would add that you might try just updating yourself by getting a new stylish outfit (go to nice department store but call ahead and ask for a knowledgeable clerk who isn't a teenager or floater to help you choose a new outfit.) Then get a fresh haircut. Just shake it up a little. If she likes long hair, get a hip longer haircut from a real stylist. If she likes short, do that. You don't want her to start feeling the way you do, lackluster. So keep trying to be your best self.

[whysotough]

Hello everyone.

I really hope that I don't get shot down for saying this, but I do really love my girlfriend a lot. We get along exceptionally well. We understand each other very well, we make compromises for each other, we connect on a very incredible level, and I love the most that I can just be myself around her, and everything is just perfect.. We just are extremely compatible, and it is a very pleasant relationship. I do see myself being married to her some day.

 

The only concern I have is, I am not as attracted to her body as I wish I was.

She used to be very skinny before many years ago, and then gained lot of weight. Borderline obese (before I met her), but she is much much smaller now.

I am a fitness coach as a hobby (not professionally), and I have always been an athlete. I take my physique very very seriously, and she is really learning to do the same from me.

I did break it down to her and told her that I wish she put more effort into getting in really good shape, as I would love to see her in that shape. Because a athletic body, and gym is a huge part of my life, I guess I inadvertently always saw myself being with someone that was in a similar physical state. She did take it very well, and she is working very hard, and we work out together.

 

I just feel bad to be honest, and I don't know if it is fair to her that I said anything. I know that if she told me she wished something was different about me (physically) I would not be offended.

I know people always say you should accept your partner as they are, but I don't want to settle for being with a girl who can look much better to me and others. I also don't want to look at other girls and say I wish my girlfriend was in similar shape.

I sure as hell don't want to leave her over this. On the grand scheme of things, this is a very shallow matter, and I am grateful that we tick all the boxes that really do matter for a sustainable relationship.

 

Am I a shallow jerk, or is this normal?

[d0nnivain]

If fitness is your hobby that is how you see the world. You are entitled to your preferences. What you are not allowed to do is tell her she needs to change -- exercise more, lose weight, even so much as change her hairstyle -- solely to please you. You can encourage her to be more active. You can plan active dates. You can cook healthy meals. But you can't say I wish you would lose weight. If you really aren't attracted to her, break up with her.

[Popsicle]

Why a guy who is into fitness would get with a woman who isn't is beyond me, but it happens a lot. I don't understand it.

[somanymistakes]

It's not shallow for you to want a girl to be interested in fitness when fitness matters to you and is an important part of your life.

 

It's a little worrying though if she's already made huge changes to try and share your interest and you're still thinking "gosh, she's still not hot enough, do I have to settle for such a disappointing girlfriend?"

 

There's also the question of - do you care about her fitness, or do you care about what she looks like? Depending on body type and muscle distribution and all that, it's possible she might end up much fitter without developing the exact figure you have in mind. If she gets strong arms and legs but is still someone who "could look much better to others" will that bother you?

 

Also, depending on why she got fat in the first place (don't tell me even if you know, this is personal stuff) she may eventually rebound to some extent. Will you see that as a betrayal?

 

Basically, think about different possible outcomes for where her development might go and how you might feel about it.

[preraph]

You blew it. Now she will always know you're not very attracted to her. You never tell someone they're fat of out of shape. They already know. If they wanted to fix it, they would if they could. We're ALL going to be out of shape in a few more years, so you may as well get used to it.

[MountainGirl111]

You either love her for who she is or you don't. It's really that simple. You are either turned on by her or you're not. Does she turn you on?

 

I mean you can try to have a little "improvement project" and what not, but those kinds of things don't always work out...Keep in mind that there is no perfect person. She may not be the perfectly fit person, but it sounds as though you love her more for her inner being.

 

I'm not knocking fitness fanatics, I used to teach fitness classes myself. But to tell you the truth, some of them are missing it. I ran into one of my old aerobics instructors at the store a while back and I've known her for a few decades, so I've seen how she's aged. She has always been a fanatic. Her body is still lean, defined and everything, but the years haven't treated her all that well. And it makes me wonder why not? I mean she practically lives in the gym. And she doesn't seem happy.

[MountainGirl111]

My best friend in college has been married now for a long time and they have a very good marriage. But, it hasn't been without areas on incompatibility. He was always a high level athlete and outdoorsy. She was more of a girly-girl indoors, suzy homemaker type. He said once that he really wished she was more into fitness/outdoors. But he loved her at first sight and pursued her and has been faithful and their sex life has always been good. She is beautiful, beautiful eyes, cute face,. good skin, hair. But most of all she is SMART and that is what hooked him. Her mind. Over the years they've been able to work with their differences and he just loves her for who she is. She's highly creative. For him that trumped being married to a super fit gal. He'd dated super fit girls before, so he knew what he was missing I guess you could say. For her part, the thing about him that bugged her was he was so self assured; almost arrogant/cocky/proud. But she loved him anyways.....Does he look at other attractive women? Sure. Does she look at other men? Sure. But they don't let that bother one another because they are happy people as individuals first and foremost and they communicate well about that issue. They don't do more than look. There is a line they don't cross.

 

So, my question to you is: Is your girlfriend a happy person? Is she happy with herSELF? At her basic core being. Because no matter how physically fit someone is, many of them are still not happy with who they are underneath. My friends have been able to address their differences well I think and meet one another part way on some of their differences. She became more outdoorsy over the years and is by no means fat, but never has been super fit. It's just not her thing. She's healthy. And, for him, that's enough.

[whysotough]

If fitness is your hobby that is how you see the world. You are entitled to your preferences. What you are not allowed to do is tell her she needs to change -- exercise more, lose weight, even so much as change her hairstyle -- solely to please you. You can encourage her to be more active. You can plan active dates. You can cook healthy meals. But you can't say I wish you would lose weight. If you really aren't attracted to her, break up with her.

 

I do encourage her. In fact she has been working on it for a long time as she started out pretty "big", but she sort of hasn't been progressing, so I made a mention of it in the most considerate way. She definitely did not get upset about it.

I also think this is the worst possible reason to leave a girl. I could not be so shallow to leave a girl that I can be happy with for a life time, simply because she doesn't have a perfect body. I would ideally simply like her to be in better shape is all really.

I do appreciate your help though.

[whysotough]

Why a guy who is into fitness would get with a woman who isn't is beyond me, but it happens a lot. I don't understand it.

 

I really think that's unfair.

We get along really well, we REALLY understand each other, and we are very compatible with each other. I did not find sustainability in my previous relationships with girls that were into fitness like I am or even more.

The relationship is a breeze, it flows well, but her body is something I wish she would work harder on. It's not something I would leave her over.

[whysotough]

You blew it. Now she will always know you're not very attracted to her. You never tell someone they're fat of out of shape. They already know. If they wanted to fix it, they would if they could. We're ALL going to be out of shape in a few more years, so you may as well get used to it.

 

Thanks for the response.

As I mentioned, she is trying hard. She just hit a little bit of a phase where she was trying, but nothing was changing. She simply was not trying hard enough, or something needed to change, and I brought it to her attention as encouragement to something she was already trying to do.

[whysotough]

You either love her for who she is or you don't. It's really that simple. You are either turned on by her or you're not. Does she turn you on?

 

I mean you can try to have a little "improvement project" and what not, but those kinds of things don't always work out...Keep in mind that there is no perfect person. She may not be the perfectly fit person, but it sounds as though you love her more for her inner being.

 

I'm not knocking fitness fanatics, I used to teach fitness classes myself. But to tell you the truth, some of them are missing it. I ran into one of my old aerobics instructors at the store a while back and I've known her for a few decades, so I've seen how she's aged. She has always been a fanatic. Her body is still lean, defined and everything, but the years haven't treated her all that well. And it makes me wonder why not? I mean she practically lives in the gym. And she doesn't seem happy.

 

 

I do love her inner being. She is the kindest, and most incredible woman I have ever come across.

She makes sacrifices that I am not even aware of, I trust her blindly, and I cannot see a more healthier relationship than ours (for myself and her).

I am blessed to have a girl like her by my side. She definitely attracts me, but I can't help but wish she had a better body is all.

I felt bad for pointing it out because I felt shallow. She understands that it is a big part of my life, and she wants to work harder. I just don't want something like this to jeopardise what is a perfect relationship in the grand scheme of things.

 

Also, about your friend - out of curiosity.

You mean she looks bad for her age? I doubt it is the gym that has aged her if thats what you are thinking..

[MountainGirl111]

Oh no, I wasn't indicating the gym itself has aged her. I would just think that someone who spends so much time at fitness would age better than she has and look better than she does. Her skin is trashed, basically. And her body, while lean is just not that attractive. That's just me though. Everyone has different ideas of what really looks good and what doesn't. I don't say this to criticize her as a person. I was just surprised that she didn't look a lot better than she does.

 

Are you shallow for wanting your GF to be more fit? No, I don't think you should beat yourself up about that. Fitness is obviously a big part of your life. It's IMPORTANT...we all have things that are important to us. It's a personal preference you have and that's okay!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to fit people.

[alphamale]

its not a good idea to date "friends"...it usually ends badly for both parties