Husband admits cheating but wants to stay together for son's sake. Is this possible?

[llamagirl]

My husband and I have been married 15 years and have a 14 year old son. I caught him having an affair 1 year ago. He swore it was a short lived affair and after much discussion he vowed to work on our marriage. Fast forward one year. I received a phone call from the husband of a woman he's having an affair with - a different woman, but one I know as a long time friend of his. After confronting him, he admitted to the affair, but said it had ended 5 months ago. (The other affair was with a different woman.) We started counseling and have had 2 sessions. I found a secret cell phone tonight that indicates he has not stopped seeing her and they are still professing their love via txt msgs. This affair has been going on for over 2 years. When I confronted him, he confessed again, but this time said he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me for a couple of years, and was only going to counseling so we could co-exist together for the sake of our son until he goes to college in 3 years. At that time my husband feels he'll be free to move on.

 

I am looking for advice on how to proceed. Unfortunately, I quit my job 5 years ago (with my husbands approval) to be a stay at home mom while my son was in middle/high school. I'm feeling pretty stressed right now without a job - I feel I can't just up and leave. Is there any point to continuing counseling? Can someone fall in love again? (Obviously not if he's still having an affair.)

 

For those of you that have separated or divorced when your kids are a bit older, can you tell me what the impact to them has been? Since he's 14 now, should we wait? Will he still be as devastated when he's 17?

 

Is it plausible to think we can live together for 3 more years knowing he doesn't love me anymore?

 

Thank you for any thoughts or feedback anyone with experience can provide.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by llamagirl

For those of you that have separated or divorced when your kids are a bit older, can you tell me what the impact to them has been? Since he's 14 now, should we wait? Will he still be as devastated when he's 17?

 

Is it plausible to think we can live together for 3 more years knowing he doesn't love me anymore?

 

Thank you for any thoughts or feedback anyone with experience can provide.

 

I'm not divorced, but I was raised by parents who divorced in my early teen years.

 

I have to say that I wouldn't trade my experience. Our financial situation was difficult, at times, but in hindsight...I can't imagine two people who had less business being married to one another. So, we were happier when they finally did split up.

 

I learned sooooo much back then, particularly in the areas of family unity...if you can believe it! We needed to stick together, with every family member contributing, in order for us to be successful. It was an experience which I feel is key in the development of my sense of personal responsibility.

 

My father, is an otherwise good guy. But he HATED giving my mother money, and would not give her a dime over what the court ordered. For her part, she was a hard worker, but a poor money-manager....so we ran out of cash pretty often. But this taught us to work, and it removed ALL fear of poverty....because we knew that we'd always find a way to get through.

 

There doesn't seem to be much correlation in the matter of successful relationships later in life. In the microcosm of my siblings, 75% of us have had long-standing marriages of 10- 25 years in length.

 

I can't see any reason why you should put yourself through all that. Your son loves you. Later on in life, when he's developed an adult understanding of what's happened..... you'll find that he wouldn't have wanted you to do this to yourself. It's just too hurtful.

 

My advice to you would be to get yourself a good job, and an even better lawyer.

 

Serial cheats don't stop cheating until they get help. Whatever is broken in his thought process that gives him permission to cheat, must be resolved completely in order for him to stop. Sadly, not too many "serial" cheaters ever recover.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by llamagirl

..... this time said he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me for a couple of years, and was only going to counseling so we could co-exist together for the sake of our son until he goes to college in 3 years. At that time my husband feels he'll be free to move on.

 

Oh, and one more thing.... You needn't cooperate with this. Marriage counseling is pretty much pointless when one partener is actively engaged in an affair.

 

Consider setting up individual counseling for yourself instead. You will likely need the additional support.

 

It is also unnecessary to hide his dirty little secrets for him. You won't have to read very far in the OM/OW forum to learn that it's a common tactic to keep the betrayed spouse in the dark until circumstances that are favorable to the cheater are achieved. A WS (wayward spouse) will often say whatever is necessary to keep the peace until the timing is favorable to him/her; all the while, intending divorce.

 

I don't approve of exposure as a means of revenge. However, it is a useful tool in breaking up an affair when there is an on-going attempt to reconcile the marriage. It can also sometimes be useful in improving your own position in the settlement of divorce.

 

Consider carefully in the matter of which individuals you expose to. Be sure that you're doing it for the right reasons and that your own cause will be furthered by doing it.

 

It's important to protect yourself now. You may still feel an inclination to trust that your husband will act in your best interest....and that might even be true if he was acting alone. But the OW in an unknown entity who is covetous of your lifestyle. She wants what YOU have. And you can bet your bottom dollar that she's using whatever influence she has to get it.

[Debster]

I feel for you.

Your husband has been lying to you and going to counselling under false pretenses.

If I were you, I'd get as much proof as possible of his infidelities, take him to court and take him for all you can!

Good luck.