That went sour fast

[Phase_shift22]

So I met this girl at a drinking/clubbing meetup about a month ago on a Saturday. As it turns out, we’re both into photography, so we kind of hit it off, talking about our experiences. At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers and she even invited me to go shooting with her the next week. She was kind of cute, and we had a common interest, so I wanted to see how things would play out between us.

 

During the meetup I asked her to check out some of my albums, which I emailed her some links for about a day later (she gave me her business card). I also gave her my facebook name so she could friend me (many of my good albums were there too) The following Tuesday, she posted some comments and said she had more input and that we should talk later on the week. She also friended me on facebook. I emailed her back saying that would be great.

 

After she friended me on facebook, I looked at some of her previous posts, and sufficely to say, it was at that point I realized that she would not be my type romantically, barring a .01% chance that something happened between us. She still seemed like a nice person and had a lot of technical photography knowledge, so it would still be good to get her advice. I now viewed this relationship as platonic.

 

I got no response for 2 days, so that Thursday I texted her to see what she was up to (if we were going to hangout, I needed to know by then so I could plan my weekend accordingly). She then texted me back saying that she’d be busy that weekend and that she was going out of town, but that we should meetup once she got back. I wished her a good weekend. I had now known her for a week.

 

I waited a week to text her again- I just asked her how her week and trip were going. She just said “it was going well.” I then wished her a good weekend again. This was two weeks

 

I waited another week and I heard nothing. This was now our third week since we met. On her facebook, I saw that she had gotten back from her trip that Monday, but she hadn’t messaged me. So, between her last message being so short and the silence, I could see the writing on the wall that this probably wasn’t going anywhere. I figured she would just likely ghost me from this point forward. But I figured I’d give it one last shot, so I messaged her on Thursday asking how her week was going and got nothing. Ghost, ghost, ghost. The next day I messaged her again (which I decided would be my last message) saying that I’d still like to meet up if she were free at some point for her advice. I then wished her a happy weekend and said “take care.”

 

Boy, that ghost turned into a poltergeist really fast.

 

An hour after I texted her, she sent me a long message to the affect stating that she “thought I was only looking for some quick photo advice and an occasional shooting buddy” and that she felt completely overwhelmed by me. She told me that she had been busy the last two weeks there had been a miscommunication and to “take care.” She also included a lot of smiley faces in this message.

 

It was pretty shocking to hear this from her, given I had been texting her once a week. With my ego a bit bruised, I messaged her back saying that “if one message a week was overwhelming, I’m sorry” and then I proceeded to tell her that I really just wanted to meet up for photography advice and nothing more. I told her I’d still be up for it, now that things were cleared up.

 

An hour after I sent me reply, she then sent me a very long text message saying “she seriously doubted that all I wanted was a photography friend, and that her best friend barely texts her once a week” and then stated that with how busy she was she felt overwhelmed when I texted her and expected a reply. She said it was very socially awkward of me that I texted her on her out of town trip “to see how she was doing” and that she couldn’t deal with someone who wanted replies to text messages in less than 24 hours (I suppose taking exception to the fact I had texted her the day before), when she was extremely busy which she emphatically stated she had made clear to me (which she hadn’t in the beginning since she said we’d “hangout” at least twice but then cancelled). She then proceeded to unfreiend me from facebook.

 

Any thoughts or comments on this? From my perspective, I feel that she is 100% in the wrong here. If she really was busy, she could have just kept ignoring me. Instead, she took time out of her “busy” schedule to write those “nice” messages. I’ve never had such a visceral reaction like this before and as of right now I’m dumbfounded and would prefer not for this to happen again (it would have been worse had I really been attracted to her.) I actually think it would have been weirder to text her out of the blue a month or two later and ask for photography advice. I needed to build rapport, and once a week texting seemed like a low impact way of doing that.

[hercules22]

shes got one thing right does look like you got other intentions . ohwell this women isnt interested in you in that way i wouldnt bother chasing her will be a massive waste of time .

 

i find that wierd aswell that she said she was overwhelmed over one text per week maybe she the type of person who sucks at the whole ghosting thing and tries to be as nice as possible in letting you down?? maybe she met someone else while she went out of town and was more interested in that person who knows also yeah noone is so busy that they cant hangout it whether they make time for you and her unfriending you on facebook just makes it even more clear she wants nothing to do with u yeah it sucks cant really do much

Edited April 29, 2017 by hercules22

[basil67]

OK, so you saw her as a potential shooting buddy. AKA, a mate. I know you were only texting her once a week, but it's not really how the average guy treats a buddy.

 

Do you text your mates when they are away to see how their trip is going? If your mates are non-committal about a get together, do you continue sending weekly texts, or do you just leave it with him? If your mates are flaky, is it a blow to your ego?

 

Things is, I suspect you don't act this way with your mates. (Or if you do, you're a very rare man) And this is why she perceived that you wanted more from her.

 

If you see that a woman has potential as a buddy, treat her as you would the rest of your buddies.

 

Edited to add: it's entirely likely that she had the same reaction to your FB posts as you did to hers. I reckon she's seen that incompatibility and doesn't care to put a lot of effort into a friendship.

Edited April 29, 2017 by basil67

[umirano]

Don't waste your time with complicated or immature people...

 

I don't see how your behavior was out of the norm, although I would not have lasted that long. You get less patient when you get older.

[preraph]

You texted her three times after her not responding to your first text. Take a hint. She's not in the wrong. She's just living real life and not texting very much and isn't interested in you. And what's the problem since you said you didn't like her comments either, romantically? You're overly eager but I don't know why except maybe you've gotten into this bad habit.

 

Don't recontact someone who hasn't responded unless your last text was like a conversation closer like "have a good night" and you have a real-life relationship.

 

She is right that you got carried away and were acting like a clingy boyfriend even though you are just an acquaintance.

[Phase_shift22]

Thanks for you input. Ya, hercules22 and basil67 make good points in that stating that “I’m only interested in being photography buddies” wasn’t the best play; I mean after all, I was initially interested in her, but when I told her I wasn't I really wasn't. Even then, I don’t think it would have been wrong of me to be interested in her- the meetup we initially met at is designed to be a way for single people to meet.

 

I guess I’m trying to do a “lessons learned.” Had I been interested in her, what would have been the correct play here? Wait weeks on end before messaging her? Or do what I did? Was this collision basically inevitable? Like umirano pointed out, most people nowadays, as I understand it, aren’t willing to play “long games” like this, even if one is trying to be a gentleman. Even among girls, if a guy does just that, girls will assume that you’re friendzoning them and will take offense and thus not even consider you as boyfriend worthy later on. Personally, one of the knocks against me over the years is that I was too passive when it came to pursuing girls (I once “dated” a girl for 5 months before asking if we could be more than friends) so I guess I’m trying to learn the right balance between being aggressive and passive.

 

Is she just a plain crazy girl? Rather than just ignoring me, which would have taken less effort, she took the time to write long messages saying that it was wrong of me to try for something more with her, and that I’m socially awkward for texting her so frequently (once a week) or asking how her trip was- basically trying to break my self esteem. When I stopped and thought about it, this was pretty nasty in the sense that she was trying to make so that I’d question myself or not be confident around women (imagine if I met my dream girl the next day who was interested in me, but I was now too nervous to ask her out). Yeah, pretty evil. Maybe I’m naïve, but for a person to do something that drastic, there usually has to be a pretty strong cause.

[preraph]

You weren't wrong for being initially interested at all. But once you text a woman you're interested in and she doesn't respond, just stop because she's not interested back, that's all. Women don't like dogged persistence. That's only in the movies. I see you're trying to correct a past mistake of being maybe too passive, but going too far the other direction isn't the answer.

 

It's really very simple. When contacting, if they don't contact back in response, they're not interested and you can't MAKE them interested. Women know who they might be attracted to right away. It's not a case of having to convince them to give you a shot. They already know it's either on or off as a potential sexual partner.

[GemmaUK]

She isn't crazy and she isn't in the wrong. She didn't/doesn't owe you anything. You just didn't 'get the message' when she didn't reply and continued to text her despite no response from her.

 

Simply, she wasn't interested in you romantically in any way and after the barrage of texts (even when she had said she would be busy) realised that she wasn't interested in any form of friendship either.

Doesn't matter that you say your texts were once a week (even though you actually posted there were more than that) - if a person doesn't respond you should not continue to text them.

 

She had two choices, continue to ignore you - which already wasn't working, send the briefest 'leave me alone' text which from your behaviour already you probably would have questioned or send a long text explaining in full.

She chose option #3.

[fromheart]

To be honest her interest was low from the start, but as I often point out serial texting will push a woman away.

 

Tell her your interested when you meet her. Let her come to you, set a date. Thats all you have to do. Girly chit chat is what girls do, not men who are moving strongly forward in their lives.

 

'I was busy, but we'll do it next week,' followed by nothing happening next week, deserves nothing less than her being scrubbed from your social media and not contacting her ever again.

[aSadGirl]

What facebook posts did she had that made you 0% interested?

And in contrast what does your posts look like?

 

I think its so superficial to judge posts. I think guys felt like you with me cause of mine. Only thing i post is diffrent checkins like parties with friends, events and some pictures. Interesting what made you put off by her posts?

 

Btw why do you need her advice? Find another photosgraph mate. I think you despite not wanting anything serious almost are hoping for a blowjob or something:p

[act00]

I don't know why you're pursuing her if you are not interested in her. You got along really well, but you were (it seems) kind of nonplussed romantically from the start, and then you judged her by her FB and decided you're not interested at all. She probably recognized your aloofness and is not interested in being friendzoned (she could have been turned off by your FB as well), nor is she interested in offering free advice. If you need guidance, take a class, or get involved in photography meetup groups, etc. She is not interested in you as a friend or professional network. She may have been interested in you romantically, but that ship sailed. She is not interested in being used by you for "photography advice and nothing more." What is she going to get out of it?

 

Ignoring and getting ghosted sucks. Consider yourself lucky she took the time to write you and let you know she's just not into you, and she's not into giving you photography pointers either. I don't think texting once a week is too much. The thing is, she ghosted you, and you kept writing. She had to officially put a stop to it, and now you're offended by that, and asking why she just didn't keep ignoring you. Ignoring you didn't work.

 

It's time to drop the rope on this one.

[Phase_shift22]

To clarify a couple points, she answered all of my texts with a reply, except one. The only time she didn't was when I messaged her on the Thursday of the third week asking how her week was. When I got no response to that, it was then I messaged her a second time saying I'd still like to meet up, which is what caused this blowup. That second message was the last time I was going to reach out to her, too. In terms of her being busy, which she said in the second week, she also said in the same message that “we should meet when she got back from her trip”

 

Despite her facebook, had something developed spontaneously, I wouldn’t have been opposed to giving it some consideration. So I guess my romantic interest wasn’t 0%

 

She probably recognized your aloofness and is not interested in being friendzoned

 

If that’s the case, what would have been the correct play here? I thought once a week was the correct balance between aloofness and showing interest. How would you compare friendzoning vs. “getting to know you”? I think it was to early to say that I was friendzoning her from her perspective, because frankly we didn’t know each other long/well enough.

 

If you guys are saying that I should cut off someone after one missed text message and never contact them again, then that would be contrary to my own experience and observations. I've interacted with girls who are sometimes pretty aloof from their phones/texting and sometimes need a second message before they reply. Some of my friends who do online dating/apps like tinder will message 3 or 4 times before giving up. Now granted, we didn't meet through online dating, but it’s a good illustration of how aggressive guys (i.e. my competition) can be, at least in these days.

 

Had she continued to ghost me, I would have just wrote her off and continued on. What made me do a double take was the fact she took time to write a lot of long messages made we wonder if I misunderstood some unwritten rule.

[basil67]

she sent me a long message to the affect stating that she “thought I was only looking for some quick photo advice and an occasional shooting buddy”

 

OK then. Let's backpedal a bit.

 

From her perspective, this seems to be a case of her thinking that you wanted to be an acquaintance who she can sometimes go shooting with (and she was good with that) but then finding that your actions showed you wanted more.

 

What did you say or do to give her the impression that you were up for having her as a casual shooting buddy?

[GoneGirl32]

OP I'll be honest with you from my own personal perspective.

 

When I "go off" on a guy the way she did with you, no it doesn't mean I subconsciously like him, or want anything to do with him. Friendship or otherwise.

 

It is the opposite, he is annoying and irritating the h*** out of me ... to the point that going off on him is something I need to do to extricate him from my life and consciousness.

 

When I really like a guy, I don't ignore him, I am happy to hear from him and responsive. Even if he did somethings that was hurtful to me, that still would not warrant me to go off on him the way this girl did. Depending what he did, I would just walk away.

 

Based on that long emotional text she sent, I would say you just REALLY rubbed her the wrong way and were annoying the heck out of her. She was at a breaking point, and just went off, that is how bad it was.

 

I have had a couple of guys affect me like that. I dunno in retrospect, their behavior wasn't *that* bad, I just couldn't stand them, they would not leave me alone, and they irritated the hell outta me.

Edited May 1, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[Phase_shift22]

OK then. Let's backpedal a bit.

What did you say or do to give her the impression that you were up for having her as a casual shooting buddy?

 

Because of our initial conversation at the meetup. When met, we did the entire “where are you from, what do you do” thing and when she mentioned she was a photographer, I told her about how I was into it too, and then we talked about cameras, shooting technique, post-processing, composition, etc.

 

When we were talking, she saw some friends of hers there and said something along the lines of “oh hey, I see some friends of mine, I’m going to go say hi to them.” Noticing how she didn’t invite me or make an initial effort to include me in her circle, I just concluded that our conversation for the night was likely at an end. Five minutes later she tapped me on the shoulder (I had moseyed over to the bar, and I had lost sight of her) and invited me to meet her friends (they were a guy and a girl.) I then introduced myself and talked to them for a bit and then we had some group discussions. A little bit after that, her two friends (I wasn’t sure if they were dating or not) started having their own conversation and then she then talked more to me about photography. Once I got to know her more, I asked if she would be interested in seeing some of my albums to which she was more than happy to do so.

 

Interestingly enough, another guy tried to interject himself into the photographer girl and myself. When we were talking one-on-one again, he walked up and said something along the lines of “Hey guys, I’m doing awesome, how about you?” and then put his hand up for a high five, expecting one from the photography girl. We looked at each other and just turned around and left him hanging. After he left, she then told me that he had tried to hit on her at the bar and that he had been really creepy about it and apparently asked for her number with little or no conversation. I then got a good feeling that she at least trusted me and that we had a pretty good vibe going.

 

After about 45 minutes of talking and hanging out with her, I decided to end things (I actually did need to go, it was getting kind of late and the meetup was dispersing) so I said told her something along the lines of “looks like everyone’s leaving so I guess I’ll head out too.” She then gave me her business card with her email and phone number and told me to send her links to her albums. I then asked her if she had any big plans for the week and she said no, but that she’d be going to find good places to take nature shots next weekend out in the country. I then told her that if she went sometime, she could let me know, since I also do nature shots and I love hiking (both are in fact, true) to which she replied “that would be awesome, since I’m not a big hiker but would love to learn.” At which point I thought we might have an even trade, in reference to:

 

What is she going to get out of it?

 

After we parted ways, I got home about an hour later and sent her “it was great to meet you text” and it would be great “if she accepted me as an apprentice” and I made a flirty joke about her being a master photographer. I then emailed her some links to my albums. Six minutes later, she laughed at my jokes and said “it was great to meet you too” and reiterated again that it would be great to do a hike/photoshoot soon.

 

So as you can see, the trend with her was pretty good. I thought we could start out as shooting buddies, and then see where things went from there. For her to turn from what she was when she met to what she became over texting, at least for me was quite a shock. To make a physics analogy, the trend was this positive initially there had to have been some “force” that caused it to change. The more dramatic the change the stronger the force. Perhaps she had other things going on in her life, or as hercules22 stated, she met someone on her out of town excursion. I’m just trying to make sure the “force” isn’t something that I did or that I broke some cardinal rule. So far, from the feedback I've gotten that doesn't seem like that was likely the case.

 

When I really like a guy, I don't ignore him, I am happy to hear from him and responsive. Even if he did somethings that was hurtful to me, that still would not warrant me to go off on him the way this girl did. Depending what he did, I would just walk away.

 

Based on that long emotional text she sent, I would say you just REALLY rubbed her the wrong way and were annoying the heck out of her. She was at a breaking point, and just went off, that is how bad it was.

 

I have had a couple of guys affect me like that. I dunno in retrospect, their behavior wasn't *that* bad, I just couldn't stand them, they would not leave me alone, and they irritated the hell outta me.

 

If I’m reading this right, then you’re basically saying that it was just plain bad luck- that I happened to meet a particular person that my quirks an mannerisms happened to be abrasive to. That was a thought that occurred to me too, but I would have thought that something like that would have come out during our talk at the meetup, since we talked a pretty long time. Maybe she just has a really big pet peeve about texting? She was a freelance photographer, so a lot of that is socializing with people and clients to get business..you’d think texting would be second nature to her.

[GemmaUK]

OP, you posted this:

 

Thanks for you input. Ya, hercules22 and basil67 make good points in that stating that “I’m only interested in being photography buddies” wasn’t the best play; I mean after all, I was initially interested in her, but when I told her I wasn't I really wasn't.

 

At what stage did you say this to her? Did you say it in the text right after you saw her FB page?

[aSadGirl]

What did you see her posting on her facebook to put you off? + what would you have liked her to posg instead?

What are your own poats about?

[Phase_shift22]

At what stage did you say this to her? Did you say it in the text right after you saw her FB page?

 

No. After her first “she thought I was only looking for some quick photo advice and an occasional shooting buddy and you’re overwhelming me with one text message a week” message. It’s not something I was planning on telling her.

 

What did you see her posting on her facebook to put you off? + what would you have liked her to posg instead?

What are your own poats about?

 

Without going into too much detail it can be broken down into two categories- one is emotional baggage (I’ll let you use your own imagination for that one). Honestly that wasn’t too big- no one is perfect and I try not to judge anyone too hard on their past. The second, which was a dealbreaker was her constantly complaining fairly recently on FB that she was single, needed a man, and begging her friends to introducer to a nice one. In my book, any girl that is at least semi-attractive/intelligent shouldn’t need to beg their friends for intros to guys on FB given how aggressive I’ve seen guys can be IRL and OLD…unless she is super-duper picky or there is something really wrong. Neither of which I really wanted to find out. But I'm speculating that this exchange between her and me perhaps might be a clue as to why things with her may be that way.

 

I don't post much on FB..mainly nature/scenery albums, or the occasional friend tagging me at the local pub/birthday party. I tend not to share my day to day life/opinions/politics/experiences etc. Call me old school but I reserve that for close/IRL friends.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Phase_shift22

[Imajerk17]

This thread just strikes me as a whole lot of writing for someone you're not interested in. Just sayin'.

 

This whole story is bizarre. Next time though, don't keep texting someone you just met wirhout a response.

[GemmaUK]

No. After her first “she thought I was only looking for some quick photo advice and an occasional shooting buddy and you’re overwhelming me with one text message a week” message. It’s not something I was planning on telling her.

 

Why not tell her if you weren't interested?

 

I really don't understand exactly what you wanted out of any of this even anymore.

She was obviously totally confused also to the point where she felt a need to tell you to basically tell you to 'go away'.

 

That's what you need to do, just move on, maybe be a bit more clear about your intentions next time, communicate more if you are interested and they are calling/texting you back.

If they are not also contacting you or responding with any questions or anything to keep a conversation going then respect that as a lack of interest on their part and leave it be instead of plugging away with another message a week later.

[OatsAndHall]

It's just a waste of time and energy to text someone after they've ghosted you. Whether you're interested in them or not. I text, if I don't hear back in a few days, then I just write it off and call it good.

 

In all reality, I think it's better to be ghosted than to have a person throw a bunch of platitudes my way, explaining why she doesn't want to chat/hang out.

[Phase_shift22]

This thread just strikes me as a whole lot of writing for someone you're not interested in. Just sayin'.

 

Fair point. To be honest, I haven’t had a lot of success with women over the years. It almost always ends with “I think you’re a great guy, but I don’t feel that ‘spark’” or “sorry it’s not you it’s me.” Your generic fare of generalizations that really don’t help me figure out what I did wrong. The best analogy I can think of is imagine failing a test in school, but when you get the exam back from the teacher, there are no error marks. You just know you failed. You can go over the exam yourself and try to understand your mistakes, but that is a long, arduous and imprecise method.

 

Despite the fact that the way the feedback (in a “not nice” manner) was delivered, it was quite a bit this time. Rather than get mad and stew over it, I saw this as an opportunity to learn for next time.

 

From what I’ve gathered from this thread there wasn’t a moral sin committed here on my part. At worst, I probably misread the situation or read too much into things and/or just happened to meet the wrong person who I just happened to be a “perfect mismatch” for.

 

When I really like a guy, I don't ignore him, I am happy to hear from him and responsive. Even if he did somethings that was hurtful to me, that still would not warrant me to go off on him the way this girl did. Depending what he did, I would just walk away.

 

I have had a couple of guys affect me like that. I dunno in retrospect, their behavior wasn't *that* bad, I just couldn't stand them

 

I gave this some more thought. If I extend this a bit, I guess you’re saying that except for the “extremes” (treating your gf really badly or being too nice) there really is no “right” or “wrong” in romantic relationships- if a person really likes me then I can do no wrong. True enough, there are things you can do (having your sh*t together, being ripped physically, etc.) that increase your chances. But even then, it’s no guarantee. For example, some girls don’t like a guy who’s organized/straight, because they like to dominate. Alternatively, some girls don’t like steroid-jacked men because they don’t find “that” as attractive.

 

I guess that’s why people always say “just be yourself.”

[GoneGirl32]

Phase, it sounds like you've been through quite a lot over the years, I'm sorry.

 

But you're absolutely right, in most cases, there is no right or wrong when it comes to attraction (beyond just the physical), you're either feeling it or you're not.

 

And yeah, had she been feeling it, your one text a week would NOT have bothered her at all. In fact she would have probably wanted you to text more often and she would have texted you too!

 

The only thing you may have done "wrong" is this (below).

 

It's just a waste of time and energy to text someone after they've ghosted you. Whether you're interested in them or not. I text, if I don't hear back in a few days, then I just write it off and call it good.

.

 

This applies to both men and women.

 

Up until recently, whenever a guy didn't respond back, I used to send one text, two tops, spread way far apart, if I really dug a guy, but I am rethinking that.

 

A couple of times it worked out, but now I think IF he were really interested, he would have responded back, kept up the great rapport we had established.

 

It is disappointing for sure, hurtful even, but hell life goes on you know?

 

Good luck moving forward!

Edited May 2, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[GemmaUK]

Something that's difficult about this situation in terms of trying to give you advice is that you went from being interested in dating (maybe?) to not being interested to having some interest.

 

If you are interested in dating someone then ask them out for a date.

You didn't do this initially and it just sounded like you wanted her advice - you said you wanted to be her apprentice.

 

The situation just wasn't terribly clear all the way along so it's really hard to advise you.

 

I too would have thought that if you were interested you would have contacted her more than once a week, if she were interested she would have also texted you or helped the conversation flow.

As it is it was a kind of odd situation as you flip flopped on being interested, then not, then possibly interested...it's very difficult to advise when that happens.

[mortensorchid]

I am confused, how did this go sour? Sour implies that you were an item then it took a bad turn. This never even started. You stated early on that you knew from the minute you friended her on Facebook that it wasn't going anywhere based on her photos/posts. She was going away for a trip, your communication is sporadic, and you really aren't putty much effort into things on your part. If you liked her a lot even from the beginning after friending her on Facebook, you would have pursued things. And she clearly sees you as only a friend.

 

So it's what it is.