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It's hard for my girlfriend of 1.5 years to articulate out loud why she loves me

indyboy362

By indyboy362
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indyboy362 Member

indyboy362

Posted
Posted (edited)

Me: 26M

Her: 24F

Been together 1.5 years

 

 

My girlfriend is a somewhat insecure person. She requires validation from me by asking me “Am I cute?” and “Do you love me?” a few times everyday. I don’t mind it, it’s kind of cute, but lately i’m starting to feel a little bit under appreciated in return. The thing is, it just feels like she isn’t able to express herself toward me. In no way at all have I ever really felt special in the relationship, whether it be by compliments, or simple gestures. I feel like I'm being used.

 

Because of this, I approached her and asked her “Why do you love me?”. She told me that she loved who I used to be at the start of the relationship, and is now in hopes of me changing back to that person (I have depression issues and trying to recover). She also said she loved that I used to be motivated, listen well, and always humored her requests for validation. I thought those were fine, but that they were big factors that are more about my ambitions and motivation and meeting her validations, and I wanted to know the small things about my personality or actions that she loved about me. The little things.

 

She was not able to come up with anything. She said there isn’t anything small she loves about me. She notices them, but they aren’t particularly lovable. She mostly just cited a lot of negative things about me that she wished improved. The best thing she said was that she loves me because I think she’s cute, while I feel that I can easily come up with a lot of things on the spot like “I love smelling your hair when we cuddle in bed” and “I love how you weirdly rub your eyes a lot when we talk on FaceTime because it’s cute”. I just want her to say once in a blue moon things like "Wow I loved how you made me feel the other day" or "Man I absolutely adore when you laugh hysterically to my jokes". I feel like everyone should be able to say why they love their SO in a deeper way like that. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s why I’m on here.

 

I linked her to a website with many strong examples that listed 100 things that someone else loved about their BF. She literally said “These can be said about any guy, and that they were cliche”. I said that she wasn’t getting the point and that one should be able to customize the comment relating to one’s own experiences with their BF. The website actually had a lot of those but she ignored them. Her inability to do compliment me or say something special is making me feel very under appreciated and used, as if I could be replaced my any guy in the world and it would be fine for her as long as he was validating her. We’ve been arguing for the past day and we cannot figure out a way for her to make me feel more appreciated.

 

All in all, she can tolerate my personality traits, but just not love them. And she can only love what I used to bring the table - ambition, motivation, and validating her. I’m just upset that she isn’t able to love any small things about my personality. It just feels like a necessity in any healthy relationship? And honestly throughout our relationship I’ve always felt under appreciated but have just brushed it off so I wouldn’t come across as sensitive. She’s never really done any gestures or gifts.

Edited by indyboy362
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry Indyboy, she Was tactfully saying that she doesn't love you. She's waiting for the man she used to love to come back, but she doesn't love who you are now. Given how she feels, I'm not even sure why she's still with you - unless she's too insecure to leave.

 

I suspect that staying with someone who doesn't love you would actually be hindering your own recovery. You say you're working towards recovery, so this discovery about your relationship would be a good thing to talk over with your counselor.

  • Like 2
Blanco Established Member

Blanco

Posted
Posted

Let's make a fun little list here, shall we?

 

- Overly insecure (requiring affirmations multiple times daily isn't "somewhat insecure")

- The few things she likes about you are a benefit to her: You listen well to HER. You validate HER.

- She seems to care about your depression only in that it's affected how well you listen to her and validate her. I don't see anything about her caring about your mental well-being.

- She's basically told you that she's noticed small things about you, but they aren't lovable or endearing.

- She "tolerates" your personality? Guy, unless you have a gun to your head, always chose being single over being linked to someone who merely tolerates you.

 

I'll be blunt: She sounds selfish and awful. Your appeal to her seems to begin and end with how well you validate her.

 

You aren't wrong that healthy relationships should involve two people who can easily name small and big things they like or love about each other. Don't let her make you think otherwise.

 

You also aren't wrong about your other suspicion: You are effectively good enough for her. The moment she finds someone who's willing to indulge her unhealthy hunger for validation, she will either drop you or cheat on you.

 

edit: just checked your other threads. Get out! I remember some of those threads. She doesn't love or respect you.

  • Like 3
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
Me: 26M

Her: 24F

Been together 1.5 years

 

 

My girlfriend is a somewhat insecure person. She requires validation from me by asking me “Am I cute?” and “Do you love me?” a few times everyday. I don’t mind it, it’s kind of cute, but lately i’m starting to feel a little bit under appreciated in return. The thing is, it just feels like she isn’t able to express herself toward me. In no way at all have I ever really felt special in the relationship, whether it be by compliments, or simple gestures. I feel like I'm being used.

 

Because of this, I approached her and asked her “Why do you love me?”. She told me that she loved who I used to be at the start of the relationship, and is now in hopes of me changing back to that person (I have depression issues and trying to recover). She also said she loved that I used to be motivated, listen well, and always humored her requests for validation. I thought those were fine, but that they were big factors that are more about my ambitions and motivation and meeting her validations, and I wanted to know the small things about my personality or actions that she loved about me. The little things.

 

She was not able to come up with anything. She said there isn’t anything small she loves about me. She notices them, but they aren’t particularly lovable. She mostly just cited a lot of negative things about me that she wished improved. The best thing she said was that she loves me because I think she’s cute, while I feel that I can easily come up with a lot of things on the spot like “I love smelling your hair when we cuddle in bed” and “I love how you weirdly rub your eyes a lot when we talk on FaceTime because it’s cute”. I just want her to say once in a blue moon things like "Wow I loved how you made me feel the other day" or "Man I absolutely adore when you laugh hysterically to my jokes". I feel like everyone should be able to say why they love their SO in a deeper way like that. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s why I’m on here.

 

I linked her to a website with many strong examples that listed 100 things that someone else loved about their BF. She literally said “These can be said about any guy, and that they were cliche”. I said that she wasn’t getting the point and that one should be able to customize the comment relating to one’s own experiences with their BF. The website actually had a lot of those but she ignored them. Her inability to do compliment me or say something special is making me feel very under appreciated and used, as if I could be replaced my any guy in the world and it would be fine for her as long as he was validating her. We’ve been arguing for the past day and we cannot figure out a way for her to make me feel more appreciated.

 

All in all, she can tolerate my personality traits, but just not love them. And she can only love what I used to bring the table - ambition, motivation, and validating her. I’m just upset that she isn’t able to love any small things about my personality. It just feels like a necessity in any healthy relationship? And honestly throughout our relationship I’ve always felt under appreciated but have just brushed it off so I wouldn’t come across as sensitive. She’s never really done any gestures or gifts.

 

It's no wonder you're depressed dealing with a self-centered person like her.

 

Why does she stay with you if you can't inspire her beyond what's in it for her?

 

It can be a tough question to answer on the spot because sometimes why you love someone is nebulous--you just do. But after some reflection on it, she should be able to come up with something that relates to loving feelings she has for you--and the fact that all she's got is what revolves around her is troubling.

 

I dare say if you put some distance between you two, you'll probably find yourself feeling a whole lot better.

  • Like 1
coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted (edited)
Me: 26M

Her: 24F

Been together 1.5 years

 

 

My girlfriend is a somewhat insecure person. She requires validation from me by asking me “Am I cute?” and “Do you love me?” a few times everyday. I don’t mind it, it’s kind of cute, but lately i’m starting to feel a little bit under appreciated in return. The thing is, it just feels like she isn’t able to express herself toward me. In no way at all have I ever really felt special in the relationship, whether it be by compliments, or simple gestures. I feel like I'm being used.

 

Because of this, I approached her and asked her “Why do you love me?”. She told me that she loved who I used to be at the start of the relationship, and is now in hopes of me changing back to that person (I have depression issues and trying to recover). She also said she loved that I used to be motivated, listen well, and always humored her requests for validation. I thought those were fine, but that they were big factors that are more about my ambitions and motivation and meeting her validations, and I wanted to know the small things about my personality or actions that she loved about me. The little things.

 

She was not able to come up with anything. She said there isn’t anything small she loves about me. She notices them, but they aren’t particularly lovable. She mostly just cited a lot of negative things about me that she wished improved. The best thing she said was that she loves me because I think she’s cute, while I feel that I can easily come up with a lot of things on the spot like “I love smelling your hair when we cuddle in bed” and “I love how you weirdly rub your eyes a lot when we talk on FaceTime because it’s cute”. I just want her to say once in a blue moon things like "Wow I loved how you made me feel the other day" or "Man I absolutely adore when you laugh hysterically to my jokes". I feel like everyone should be able to say why they love their SO in a deeper way like that. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s why I’m on here.

 

I linked her to a website with many strong examples that listed 100 things that someone else loved about their BF. She literally said “These can be said about any guy, and that they were cliche”. I said that she wasn’t getting the point and that one should be able to customize the comment relating to one’s own experiences with their BF. The website actually had a lot of those but she ignored them. Her inability to do compliment me or say something special is making me feel very under appreciated and used, as if I could be replaced my any guy in the world and it would be fine for her as long as he was validating her. We’ve been arguing for the past day and we cannot figure out a way for her to make me feel more appreciated.

 

All in all, she can tolerate my personality traits, but just not love them. And she can only love what I used to bring the table - ambition, motivation, and validating her. I’m just upset that she isn’t able to love any small things about my personality. It just feels like a necessity in any healthy relationship? And honestly throughout our relationship I’ve always felt under appreciated but have just brushed it off so I wouldn’t come across as sensitive. She’s never really done any gestures or gifts.

 

First off no one can change anyone. You two aren't meant to be it's so not right. If she can't tell you that she loves you or can give you the love you need these type of women are cold.

 

Why do you tolerate her because you love her that much but she doesn't love you the same way. Got to wake-up and stop being in denial. You already feel like your being used. I feel this way with my GF she does the same thing your GF is doing. I haven't her that she loves me back. I have to say it I have to hold, I have to kiss, I have to do everything. I just hear she's depressed always. I try to cheer her up. I do so much Is.. Yours playing mind games and you just take it like any other man that feels they're in love with her. You need to pull in your gut and grow some and get your self-esteem back. I Go after mine as well but even if you cut them off. She'll never call you. I have to call her then she read all my bombardment text messages about what she's doing me to. Then she changes her ways.. For the best. but I never hear her say she love me or that she smiles and it gets a little better. No she doesn't buy me anything once she did, but the old saying goes MONEY CAN'T BUY LOVE OR HAPPINESS You can't make her love you if she doesn't want too. I always say if they do love you they want to talk to you as much as they can. Mind does that calls me all day every day. I just let this ride out and see what happens.

Edited by coolheadal
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