imissmygt Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Hi, I was just wondering if there is some feedback I can get on my situation. I have been with my b/f for almost 3 years now.Our relationship has been like a roller coaster ride. He has a very short fuse and when he gets mad he yells, and says some of the most hurtful and disrespectful things that I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. He has went to the point of putting his hands on me twice now. I believe he is rather controlling, in which he tells me I'm crazy. He is constantly accusing me of cheating, lying, or ???????? I am soooo confused, after everything I have went through with this man (him calling CPS,harrasing phone calls to myself and my family, sending me e-mails with pics of him and another woman on his webcam in sexual acts, and sooo much more) How can a person like me still be in love with a man who disrespects me like this over and over again? I love him but I hate him!!!! Our last episode was a couple weeks ago, we hadn't seen eachother for about 3 days and he called and wanted to come see me, I agreed and he stayed all night. (as usual our sex was better than ever this night) The next morning we went to breakfast, and he started in with accusing me of something~and I'm to the point where I am so tired of being called a liar. (I am far from a liar~actually I'm probably one of the most honest people you'd ever meet) So I just got up and said I don't need this and proceeded to my car. He follows behind saying the least I can do is drop him back off at his truck (which was at my house) In route to my house, he continued to yell and scream and call me a liar and so forth. He then reached over as I was driving and grabbed my face, causing several scrapes and scratches from his nails digging into my face. I make it to my house, with blood all over my face; to find a marshall outside my home asking if I am who I am; my b/f knowing he has screwed up by now by putting he hands on me again, pulls the marshall away and tells him he don't want him to serve me with restraining order papers, he had apparently filed. After speaking with this marshall, he tried speaking to me and I told him to leave. To make an already long story short, I went to my police department and got an EPO (emergency protective order) that day! The next day that same marshall returned to my house to serve me with his restraining order papers that had 100% nothing but lies! The judge even denied the stay away order and wrote pending until court date. I followed through with getting my restraining order papers and getting him served. He has since been arrested for violating this order, and also has a stalking charge that the DA might possibly pick up too. I feel like this guy has just done nothing but destroy us by lying, cheating, disrespecting and abusing me mentally and physically. I've always heard those who accuse are usually the quilty ones and that was definately the case here. Our court date is in 2 days and I am soooo not looking forward to this day! As awful as this man has been to me, it would still tear me apart to see him have to go to jail for awhile. Why????????? I keep trying to tell myself that it's not me who put him there; it's him but it don't seem to be working!! Can anyone help? Thanks for reading and I hope to hear back from you!
curiousnycgirl Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Ok I don't have personal experience in this matter - but I'm going to try. If this is stupid or condenscending, it isn't meant to be so I'll apologize just in case. As much as you care for this man, who really has not earned even the time of day from you - I have to assume that you have already realized there is nothing you can do to change that which you don't like about him. And I am also assuming that he has promised, many times, to change, but hasn't. Perhaps his going to jail is a blessing? While nothing is guaranteed, perhaps that is just the wake up call he needs. Also I believe it is somewhat typical to insist that guys who go to jail for spousal or significant other abuse are forced to anger management therepay/counseling. Again perhaps these things will help him? Sometimes hitting the very bottom, is the only way to begin climbing back up. I sincerely hope this makes you feel a little better.
JulianSC Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 first off, as a man, one of the most horrible things any man can do is to act violently on a woman. the fact that he has done this to you, if not multiple times, is to me appaling. this is undoubtedly very hard, but no man is worth harm to yourself. my advice is to fight through this tough time, keep your head high, youll make it through, but stay away from him, he is bad news, any man who abuses is bad news.
Zaira Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 If he commits a crime, he deserves the time. Convince yourself you deserve better than to be treated like that, and move on. It is NOT love you are feeling for him. You probably just feel sorry for him. DON'T. If he can't even admit he has a problem, then he'll never seek help and never change. Get out of his way before it's too late and don't let anyone put a guilt trip on you.
debs Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Please hear what all of us is trying hard to get you to listen to! No one deserves to be hit! Your b/f has abandonment issues that you cannot help him with he has to do this himself! Please run from this b/f since he has shown you he is mentally abusive and physically abusive! You CAN do it! And there ARE people who can help!
Author imissmygt Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Thanks to all of you who took the time to give me your input! I appreciate it ~but most of all I needed to hear from others besides friends and family, how I need to get the hell away from this man!!!! Tomorrow is our court date and my nerves are already shot~that I'm making myself sick! He tried calling and talking to me today~probably to try and get me to not show up in court tomorrow~if the truth be known! But I didn't even listen to his ****, and I am going to be there tomorrow~come hell or high water! To respond to the one who wrote about anger management classes; well he's been through 2 of those programs~and apparently they didn't help! I even made us an appointment with a counselor~when she told him she thought he was trying to more like a father to me then my old man~he got pissed and of course we never went back. I know this is not the man for me deep down but I guess what seems to be making things so difficult to end this and move on~ is the way he choses to be so cut throat instead of just parting on civil terms. I just feel like all this unneccesary drama is just a waste of my time~not to mention how embarrassing it is. Well thanks again and I hope you all have a wonderful day! I'll let you know what happens!
debs Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Please up-date us as we are concerned! I can relate but believe me when I tell you this! Run and learn to say NO! No more abuse! Ever!
Craig Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 What you are feeling and experiencing is normal in a situation like this. If you haven't already done so call a domestic violence center in your area and get some counselling for yourself regarding being a survivor/victim. It is going to take time for you to heal from the violence and abuse, you aren't crazy but your emotions and thoughts have been messed with in a big way by your bf. Individual domestic violence survivor counselling and group sessions have enormous value to your faster, healthier recovery from the abusive and violent relationship you found yourself in. Here are some good links for you to have a look at: http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html http://www.abanet.org/domviol/areyou.html http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm http://www.life-span.org/dv101.htm And a partial accounting of my own recovery from a violent marriage (yes, men also can be survivors of domestic violence) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t63127/40-1?highlight=
crazy_grl Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by imissmygt How can a person like me still be in love with a man who disrespects me like this over and over again? I love him but I hate him!!!! Because you have issues of your own. You need to get to therapy to understand why you're attracted to this person and why you didn't run at the first signs of trouble. If you can't afford that, then at least read some books on the subject and call some domestic abuse hotlines or go to support groups. You need to learn about yourself and why you got yourself into this situation so it doesn't happen again. He is abusive and doesn't deserve your love or even your sympathy. I'm not surprised the anger management classes didn't work, because they only teach how to deal with anger. They don't teach how to recognize the source and how to stop it. His anger and violence comes from his own insecurities, his childhood traumas, etc. None of which has anything to do with you. Forget about him and don't let yourself be bothered by how he's treating you now. You're probably never going to get any kind of closure or positive ending from him, so don't try to get it. You have to create it for yourself by healing, learning from the experience, and moving on. Aside from your court appearance, don't see him or speak to him again.
Author imissmygt Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 Hello everyone, Well today wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be in court. The judge granted my restraining order and I agreed to allow him his restraining order on me (even though it was full of nothing but lies) because this way I know I won't get weak and call him. I may not be all there when it comes to choosing men; but I would not jeopardize my freedom and end up in jail over a man like this. So I felt this would be the best thing to do; to get him out of my life once and for all! This will also keep me from having to know what type of charges the DA is going to file on him. Now I don't have to worry about getting weak and feeling sorry for him and what he is going through. Gosh I sure feel such a relief off my shoulders and maybe now I can get back to knowing me again. I will be attending my 2nd domestic violence class tomorrow night. I once again would like to thank all of you who replied and helped me with your encouraging words. Especially CRAIG and the links you sent me; wow; there was alot of important information on those sites. Well take care and I hope all is going well with each and every one of you! Good Night
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