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From Talking/Dating to Friends?

DontBreakEven

By DontBreakEven
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

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Posted (edited)

I hope this doesn't get merged with my other thread because this whole thing has shifted topics at this point.

 

I was recently talking to a girl I met online that lived in the next city over. From the beginning she wasn't interested in anything, but she did want to have a casual relationship, and felt a connection with me. So we met, had sex, then afterwards I started to get feelings and get attached, so she basically ended it so that I wouldn't get hurt. (She wasn't over her ex, wanted to keep her options open, etc).

 

So we stopped talking for 6 weeks and now she's come back asking for a friendship. She says she knows that it's selfish and understands if I don't want to, but she wants to be friends and talk. I told her that's fine, mostly because I've been wanting to talk to her and get some things off my chest. So I did that, and now she's texting me everyday with small talk.

 

I'm completely torn on how to handle this. I was feeling low and crushed from being ousted out of her life altogether, but now I am feeling used because she is getting the benefit of my friendship/conversation without having to give anything else.

 

Ps she's talking to/dating someone else now. I told her I don't wish to discuss this at all, and she has respected that.

 

Right now my course of action is to be way less available to her than I used to be, and just do short responses, and not initiate anything. Anyone else been through anything like this?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Titanll Established Member

Titanll

Posted
Posted

Nope, never would put myself in that position. Why are you? I would tell her buzz off and never look back. Why bother?

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Go NC and move on..............she's not that into you.

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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

Posted
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Posted
Go NC and move on..............she's not that into you.

 

I'm 100% aware that she's not that into me. I told her I'd be her friend (mostly because I wanted to have a closure convo with her, but also because it actually alleviated anxiety surrounding the whole situation to not have her up on the mythical pedestal of someone I'm "not allowed to talk to").

 

So now what? Just ignore her when she tries to be friendly? I was kinda just hoping it would die organically after a little bit and me not initiating anything.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

Now what? Exactly what you said in your first post. Just be less available. Don't initiate conversation and don't spend much time answering. If you see a message come in, simply answer when it's convenient.

 

That said, she may not contact you at all.

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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

Posted
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Posted
Now what? Exactly what you said in your first post. Just be less available. Don't initiate conversation and don't spend much time answering. If you see a message come in, simply answer when it's convenient.

 

That said, she may not contact you at all.

 

Oh no, she's already texted me throughout the day now for a couple days.

 

I think that's the good gameplan. Just keep it civil not much more.

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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

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Posted
Nope, never would put myself in that position. Why are you? I would tell her buzz off and never look back. Why bother?

 

I don't know. Because I did miss having her in my life when I thought things were originally as she said they were. Now that I have talked to her and I have very much confirmed that she bullsh*tted me, (even if she is adamant that she didn't ... but yes she did. She told me she was cutting it off because she was catching feelings and she couldn't do that at this stage because she needed to deal with her past sh*t first and wasn't ready to start anything ... 4 days later she's dating someone else ... she bullsh*tted), so now that that is obvious, and she didn't come back because she wanted anything again, NOW I'm irritated. When she first was offering friendship and I said okay, I hadn't spoken to her on the phone yet. Now I feel weird rescinding on accepting her apology and this "friendship".

act00 Established Member

act00

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm not sure where you want to go with this. It's causing you a bit of distress, so I think the best plan would be to just stop it. You are interested in her romantically, and she is not interested in you the same way. I mean, if you're happy to just be her buddy, great, but you don't want to hear about her new love-interest, so I don't think you're in a "friend" kind of place.

 

I don't know what her motivation is. I suppose she really liked you, but only as a friend, or maybe she likes your attention and wants to keep you available in case this new guy doesn't work out...or other men...keep you on the back burner. I don't really know, but it's causing you enough distress that you should probably just cut ties. You don't need to "act less interested" and play games. Just simply state that you cannot maintain a friendship with her any longer, or just ghost, which is sh**y, but certainly an option.

 

ETA: I've had guys disappear off the planet and then come back, and I have entertained the idea of sparking up the dating again to no avail. I just got tired of it. Either we go out or we don't...pick one. I ended it...and I stuck it out longer than I should have. I tend to be a glutton for punishment, but you know? Why not? Except that nothing came of it, so I officially cut the strings. This isn't working for you. Whip out the scissors and cut the string.

Edited by act00
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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

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Posted (edited)

Thanks Act.

 

It's hard. I feel completely torn about it. I think you're first inkling is correct: that she really likes me, but only as a friend. And I guess that just stings and is a giant ego blow because I liked her more than that ... and we basically both know it.

 

The other part is my resent towards the fact that she gave me mixed messages the whole time. She didn't want anything serious at the moment, but she reallllllly liked me, couldn't stop thinking about me, etc. The reason she gave for us not talking was that she had feelings and she needed to step back because she's not ready for anything, and maybe someday when she is we can start fresh.

 

Yet now 6 weeks later, she comes back, but with proclamation of friendship and that's it (and she's talking to someone else). It irks me how much I've been downgraded and therefore I don't think I can even be a friend because I just .... don't like her. I do, but I don't. I don't like the way she has jerked me around and so therefore don't feel like she should deserve any more of my time/energy. The conversation we had on the phone was, in my opinion, condescending. I understand that she is finally basically being honest (to an extent), but she flipped the switch on me. And now I just feel like the poor sad sap who caught feelings while she didn't. (Even though last month, she acted like she did).

 

It sucks. Loss all around.

Edited by DontBreakEven
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