Stood up

[ZA Dater]

I guess this shouldn't be much of a surprise, it was Tinder after all. Arranged to meet someone who didn't show or I suspect she did, saw me an thought it better to just walk away because I got a text saying I wasn't for her.

 

 

The lack of decency and honesty doesn't surprise me anymore, perhaps its just a symptom of the throw away society.

 

 

People ask me why I don't date, each experience like this makes me wonder why I bother to even try.

[Spring23]

I guess this shouldn't be much of a surprise, it was Tinder after all. Arranged to meet someone who didn't show or I suspect she did, saw me an thought it better to just walk away because I got a text saying I wasn't for her.

 

 

The lack of decency and honesty doesn't surprise me anymore, perhaps its just a symptom of the throw away society.

 

 

People ask me why I don't date, each experience like this makes me wonder why I bother to even try.

 

I'm sorry this happened. Don't use Tinder, it sounds yucky. You may want to take a dating break. People are sometimes more problems then they are worth.

[Lilyana76]

I'm sorry this happened to you, it does suck.

 

This is the main reason I hated OLD. It made me start to feel like sh*t about myself. I'm normally pretty self confident, I have my moments. But I never felt so horrible about myself than I did while OLD. People stand you up, ghost, flake, or are just plain mean. I actually had a guy from old, meet up with me, try to get in my pants, when I said no we parted ways that night. The next day he told me he thought I was ugly and wasn't his type anyway. I am sure its just because I wouldn't give it up to him, but man that hurt.

 

When I go out in public, I get approached often, have men say things and even whistle. So I know I'm not horrible looking. But OLD made me feel horrible. I hated it. I did have issues before with weight while I was married. At my worst I was 206 pounds. At only 5'1" tall, that was huge. So when OLD was sucking the new me out, and making me feel low again, I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I worked hard to get to my 146 pounds I am today, and I'm proud of it! I wasn't going to let losers online tell me I wasn't worth squat.

 

Maybe you need to stop OLD, and just try to mingle more in real life. I know thats a huge comfort zone thing for you, but honestly, OLD isn't going to help your self esteem.

[Tressugar]

OLD doesn't work! *Palm face smack*

[blockrockinbeat74]

Try and keep things in perspective, OP.

 

I'm sure it's easier said than done but when you think about it, she's a total stranger so there really is no harm done, apart from some of of your time wasted.

[Hawk88]

The stories I've heard about OLD have all been 100% bad experiences. Especially for men. Because most these sites are flooded with guys trying to get laid and it overwhelms women so it's hard to get their attention for the most part unless you're really good looking.

 

It's mostly convenience...."approaching " is super hard to do IRL and very intimidating. So doing it online is easy. My self confidence and self image are already shaky to begin with so OLD would really demoralize me lol

 

Try to meet people more organically. Just go out and meet new people and make new friends. The older you are the harder that can be but it works. Just be social without worrying about hooking up/ dating. You'll be happier, it will boost your confidence and you'll be more attractive and with the more people you meet eventually you'll meet more women and some of them will be attracted to you and then something will happen.

 

I know it's a cliche but when you stop looking...things tend to work out for you. Not because of fate or karma or anything like that but because if you just relax and live your life, you will become happier with yourself...it'll attract people for a variety of reasons. And some of those people will be women who will want to be with you.

 

And BTW....Tinder is garbage. Don't take it or anything that happens as a result of using it, seriously.

[CptInsano]

I remember watching a story about OLD on TV where the guy actually overlooked the meeting point for the date from a concealed location using binoculars, so that he could make a quick exit, if needed.

 

To the OP: You're not the first not the last person getting stood up. It happens, just keep on going.

[selinaluv]

I remember watching a story about OLD on TV where the guy actually overlooked the meeting point for the date from a concealed location using binoculars, so that he could make a quick exit, if needed.

 

To the OP: You're not the first not the last person getting stood up. It happens, just keep on going.

 

Ugh that's so horrible and cruel. It is only an hour or so of your time. If you make the commitment and the person is overall courteous and kind, what harm is it to sit and have a nice conversation? You may even learn something. I know we all know this, but it just boggles my mind how inconsiderate people can be.

 

We have all been in situations where you know it won't go further, but you stay and enjoy the moment for what it is.

 

But OP, we can't make assumptions here other than she didn't want to go on the date. There could be a million reasons why and probably none have anything to do with you.

Edited April 28, 2017 by selinaluv

[Titanll]

I have to assume that the OLD haters may not have good luck IRL and think that "meeting" someone online is a panacea for their dating woes.

 

Dates happen IRL. If OP misrepresented himself online by posting 10 year old pics or posted those "perfect" angle pics that hide his 44 inch waist, I wouldn't blame the woman for bailing or aborting from a distance.

 

And as far as wasted time, what about her wasted time? If she did show up, and knew that you weren't for her, she wasted her time as well. Now she may be on the next thread saying how horrible OLD is and that guys "lie" about their appearance.

 

Who knows, maybe government can legislate equality in attraction or something.

 

The truth is, you either sort of have it or sort of don't.

 

So you were stood up....next. Heck, you should have struck up a conversation with a cute waitress and said, Hey, I was stood up, what are you doing later?

 

OLD sites are the bee's knee's in my opinion. If you don't understand that it is a concentration of the same people that you can and will meet IRL, then you may be in for a disappointment. Online, you can get more or less instant feedback on what you do right or wrong. If you're unattractive or attractive, funny, humorless, intelligent, not so bright, mentally healthy or just a total flub, you can find out pretty quickly how people view you. It'rather obvious that anyone that has had bad OLD experiences are simply blaming the tool and are displacing their disappointment away from the real problem which, of course, is themselves.

 

OLD is mostly free, 100% voluntary and getting dates is easier than falling off a log. Whatever your objective, dates, getting laid, meeting someone to marry, whatever, it's entirely up to you to be successful.

[Spring23]

Who knows, maybe government can legislate equality in attraction or something.

 

The truth is, you either sort of have it or sort of don't.

 

 

LOL!

 

OMG can you imagine you get a letter in the mail from the government stating that under their board of examiners you're ugly so you can only date ugly ppl.

 

Big brother is not only watching but he feels you need a makeover.

[Titanll]

LOL!

 

OMG can you imagine you get a letter in the mail from the government stating that under their board of examiners you're ugly so you can only date ugly ppl.

 

Big brother is not only watching but he feels you need a makeover.

 

I was thinking more of a case where a rather attractive woman is required to date a rather unattractive man, you know, to keep things fair and equal. Consider it a new social program for the less fortunate in the looks/personality department.

 

Keep your eye on your mail, you may be getting a letter soon, haha! Have fun with your new unattractive boyfriend.

 

Maybe we just send all the hot guys off to war or something to make things fair...who knows, they would probably survive and come back and be even hotter and really wreak havoc!

[Spring23]

Maybe we just send all the hot guys off to war or something to make things fair...who knows, they would probably survive and come back and be even hotter and really wreak havoc!

 

...that sounds kinda awesome.

[Imajerk17]

I believe most everyone has gotten stood up at one time or another ZA, even a jerk like myself

 

I am sorry to hear this OP, but look at it this way. You saved yourself some time here. She already showed you that you're better off without her, without you having to go through with the date.

 

That said, overall I am wondering if Tinder is the site for you. It has a reputation as a hookup site for a reason. My understanding is that it does have a "meat market" mentality where for most people it is all about initial reptilian attraction (as opposed to "meeting someone nice"). I am not sure if a more quiet intellectual type is much appreciated on there, and if it is, it is not by every girl. You'd have to look hard to find someone on there who would appreciate that.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Hawk88]

The people you meet online are the same people you meet IRL, I'm not debating that but I think OLD is superficial and people are mostly judged on looks because that's all you really have to go on when you're online. No matter how descriptive or well crafted your profile may be....you cannot present yourself accurately online like you can in person.

 

There's something to be said about a person's presence, they say 80% of communication is non verbal. This is what's lost in online communication. I think if you see someone who's pic looks ok and their profile isn't too bad...try communicating a little bit online or over the phone to feel them out and then progress from there if they seem cool and give them at least a shot. Have a quick drink with them just to see what it's like to be around them. This is something completely missing from OLD. You can't know how you feel until you're around them. It's that whole "presence " thing I mentioned.

 

I understand if the person COMPLETELY misrepresented themselves on their profile so they see you and avoid you...but I don't think that's what happened. I think people see a few pics and build up in there head what they're going to see when they meet in person and are disappointed and instead of just being open minded about meeting someone new, they hide like a child.

 

As I get older I realize most people are worth getting to know and can open other doors for you in life as well even if you were hoping to meet someone special and they're not necessarily what you want for a relationship or hookup. Meeting a new person is usually not a waste of time. It can be a lot of things but if you're so focused on it only being to get laid or fall out in love you might miss out on some other experiences in life. You may ....you may not...but you don't know until you try.

 

This is a long way of saying that hiding and texting is immature and childish...and speaking as a man...if you're a man who's doing this...you're acting like a little boy.

[Titanll]

The people you meet online are the same people you meet IRL, I'm not debating that but I think OLD is superficial and people are mostly judged on looks because that's all you really have to go on when you're online. No matter how descriptive or well crafted your profile may be....you cannot present yourself accurately online like you can in person.

 

There's something to be said about a person's presence, they say 80% of communication is non verbal. This is what's lost in online communication. I think if you see someone who's pic looks ok and their profile isn't too bad...try communicating a little bit online or over the phone to feel them out and then progress from there if they seem cool and give them at least a shot. Have a quick drink with them just to see what it's like to be around them. This is something completely missing from OLD. You can't know how you feel until you're around them. It's that whole "presence " thing I mentioned.

 

I understand if the person COMPLETELY misrepresented themselves on their profile so they see you and avoid you...but I don't think that's what happened. I think people see a few pics and build up in there head what they're going to see when they meet in person and are disappointed and instead of just being open minded about meeting someone new, they hide like a child.

 

As I get older I realize most people are worth getting to know and can open other doors for you in life as well even if you were hoping to meet someone special and they're not necessarily what you want for a relationship or hookup. Meeting a new person is usually not a waste of time. It can be a lot of things but if you're so focused on it only being to get laid or fall out in love you might miss out on some other experiences in life. You may ....you may not...but you don't know until you try.

 

This is a long way of saying that hiding and texting is immature and childish...and speaking as a man...if you're a man who's doing this...you're acting like a little boy.

 

But, you see, you don't get to decide what is positive or negative about another person's behavior. Everything that you said is valid...for you. To me, OLD, or the people that you meet there, are no more superficial than IRL. I am attracted to you in an instant or I am not. And no one on this planet has to be attracted to you in any way or for any reason. You may be unattractive to every living human based upon your looks, personality, or some other intangible 'thing" and no one is horrible for finding you unattractive.

 

I may use Linkedin for "meeting" someone for other purposes besides dating. A dating site, to me, can certainly be used for any purpose that the user wants. Personally, I would use one only for dating.

 

And see, I am a man as well and I don't find texting and "hiding" in this case, immature at all. The woman certainly could have showed up, had drinks, dinner, conversation and at the end of the date said that he wasn't for her. Then the thread would have been about how she showed up and said that there was no connection...why did she let me buy her dinner and then tell me that I wasn't for her?

 

"She" in this case simply can't win. OP got shot down and anyone that has been shot down will come to his defense and no one seems to really want to defend her actions. She has/had every right to handle herself any way that she wishes. These threads devolve into an OLD bashing rant and never about the real issue...

[Kellens]

I've never been stood up but I've been cancelled on at the last minute a few times. I would be beyond pissed if it happened to me and my ego would be bruised as well, I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

Reading the comments, it seems there is a lot of negativity towards online dating. I can understand because I was turned down a few times, messages ignored, ghosted, played with emotionally and I fell for someone who strung me along for 2 months before telling me that I wasn't for him. However, I regret none of it. My experience with online dating was pretty good, in my opinion. I mean, I didn't go into thinking I would find the man of my dreams, I was just really excited to meet new people after being in 2 back to back relationships over a 13 year period. I am attractive but I live in NYC where there are a lot of women that are way better looking than me so while I got plenty of messages, most of them weren't from typically "good looking" guys.

 

I've always had weird taste when it comes to looks so I gave a lot of guys a chance that others may have skipped over which made my experience better than most others I think. Don't get me wrong, there were a few REALLY bad dates, guys who were much shorter than they told me and just not the same as their pics, terrible personalities in person, but for the most part I found it to be an exciting adventure. Nerve wracking and ego bruising but I met a few people that have become friends that I never would have encountered in real life.

 

My advice to anyone using online dating would be to keep with it, if your ego can survive the rejection that everyone suffers, you will find someone eventually. It's not something that happens overnight (for most people) and you should take the experience for what it is, don't put huge expectations on it and always be yourself.

[Spring23]

"She" in this case simply can't win. OP got shot down and anyone that has been shot down will come to his defense and no one seems to really want to defend her actions. She has/had every right to handle herself any way that she wishes. These threads devolve into an OLD bashing rant and never about the real issue...

 

I understand your point. But the ladylike thing to do was to meet him, go for coffee (cheap enough) chat a little and sort of make it obvious that there was no "love connection." OP would have been a bit sad but he wouldn't have thought about it too much.

 

Not showing up at all is mean. It's OK. I believe in karma and some guy is going to do it to her.

[CloudyHead]

I was stood up more than once when I was on OLD. My feelings were hurt the first time it happened. After thinking more about it, I decided that I was glad that I didn't meet that person as I wouldn't do that to someone else and, quite frankly, don't want to be around someone who does that to others.

[Hawk88]

I'm not necessarily bashing OLD, I just prefer to meet people the old fashioned way.

 

Gender has nothing to do with it. As far aside someone sitting down and socializing for a little bit and deciding they aren't interested in dating...I actually love that. I think it's a good move and it's honest. People, especially men, need to get better at handling that sort of situation. It's hard to be attracted to someone and hear they have no interest. But it's not the end of the world.

 

There's just something about the behavior described in this thread. Agreeing to meet someone and then ducking them because they look the way you wanted them to. It shows a disregard for the other person. Even in suggesting that they're a waste of your time just by looking at them is by definition superficial.

It's rude, immature, displays a lack of character and I personally would be embarrassed to behave that way.

[Hawk88]

I would just like to add that this behavior is more and more accepted today and this is just how people are nowadays it seems and I don't blame the OP for feeling like they want to give up. Because I sympathize with how they feel.

[Titanll]

I understand your point. But the ladylike thing to do was to meet him, go for coffee (cheap enough) chat a little and sort of make it obvious that there was no "love connection." OP would have been a bit sad but he wouldn't have thought about it too much.

 

Not showing up at all is mean. It's OK. I believe in karma and some guy is going to do it to her.

 

I understand your point as well. We start diverging in agreement when someone dictates another's behavior. Ladylike? Of course, as a female, you can say this. If I said that, I would be burned that the stake! How one person handles a situation is not really open to judgement by someone else, in my opinion.

 

I, like you, may be wrong but I do suspect we would still have a thread regardless of the woman showing up or not. Had she fallen madly in love, OLD would be the greatest thing ever.

 

Karma or no, who knows. As far as being mean, who knows. OP may have thought her much meaner if she had told him to his face that there was no connection.

 

I mean, seriously, these threads are just a way to vent. There aren't many asking for any advice about what they did wrong.

 

Did OP do anything wrong? Probably not. Is OLD the devil? No. Will OP meet the love of his life? Probably. Will the woman that stoop OP up burn in dating hell for her actions? I doubt it. Will I have pizza for dinner? Maybe.

[Imajerk17]

I understand your point. But the ladylike thing to do was to meet him, go for coffee (cheap enough) chat a little and sort of make it obvious that there was no "love connection." OP would have been a bit sad but he wouldn't have thought about it too much.

 

Not showing up at all is mean. It's OK. I believe in karma and some guy is going to do it to her.

 

You know, you and @TitanII (post #17) both have some good points.

 

The kind, ladylike thing to do indeed would be to go on the date. I've met some women off OLD where I could tell while they were walking to meet me for the first time that I would not be attracted (e.g., they didn't have full-body photos in their profile ), and I went through with the date.

 

But in a way, this woman did OP a favour. Sure, she demonstrated that she did NOT have this courtesy, so he didn't really lose anything. But also, would it truly do a guy any good to go on a date a woman who already decided that she isn't into him. I mean, spending an hour talking to a woman whom you are attracted to, while she is only there with you out of her sense of manners and has no intentions of seeing you again, that just doesn't sound like an hour well-spent for the guy either.

 

So, while I still do not subscribe to this woman running off, I can see TitanII's point in his aforementioned post.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Imajerk17

[smackie9]

You never know, but there are people who have bad anxiety...not making excuses here but in some cases they can't go through with meeting a stranger...the stress of it is too much. You are dealing with the public....lots of unusual, poorly behaved. rude, anxious, mentally messed up, mean, stupid, people out there.

 

I deal with insurance claims.....there are people that are scummy scam artists, OCD crazy, hoarders, back stabbers, creepy pervs, you name it there's a lot of them out there. It is what it is.

[Hawk88]

You never know, but there are people who have bad anxiety...not making excuses here but in some cases they can't go through with meeting a stranger...the stress of it is too much. You are dealing with the public....lots of unusual, poorly behaved. rude, anxious, mentally messed up, mean, stupid, people out there.

 

I deal with insurance claims.....there are people that are scummy scam artists, OCD crazy, hoarders, back stabbers, creepy pervs, you name it there's a lot of them out there. It is what it is.

 

You've made my mind up for me..... I quit life and am living in a cave forever.

[Spring23]

You know, you and @TitanII (post #17) both have some good points.

 

The kind, ladylike thing to do indeed would be to go on the date. I've met some women off OLD where I could tell while they were walking to meet me for the first time that I would not be attracted (e.g., they didn't have full-body photos in their profile ), and I went through with the date.

 

But in a way, this woman did OP a favour. Sure, she demonstrated that she did NOT have this courtesy, so he didn't really lose anything. But also, would it truly do a guy any good to go on a date a woman who already decided that she isn't into him. I mean, spending an hour talking to a woman whom you are attracted to, while she is only there with you out of her sense of manners and has no intentions of seeing you again, that just doesn't sound like an hour well-spent for the guy either.

 

So, while I still do not subscribe to this woman running off, I can see TitanII's point in his aforementioned post.

 

I hear you. I still believe going on the date would have been the right thing to do but sitting on a date with no chemistry isn't much fun either.

 

I guess if you're going to do any type of OLD make sure the picture looks EXACTLY like you. Have a bunch of shots showing you at different angles and don't do any photoshopping. This way if somebody sees your picture they know exactly what to expect.