jazcal Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I've been dating this guy for a little over a month now, everything was going good. He recently told me he has a child with his ex-girlfriend which turned out to be his ex fiance. I did tell him jokingly that he probably has a kid he doesn't know about and he told me 'No, why would you say that,' I told him 'it's a joke everyone plays around like that.' Well turns out he did have a kid, but knew about it haha so I guess he didn't lie... haha. He would always tell me people should wait until marriage to have children and out of wedlock or at a young age. I did confront him about him saying that people shouldn't have children out of wedlock and he said he was married to her then changed it to we were engaged which in his mind is considered the same thing. He did say that when he got her pregnant they were no longer engaged or together and she was on a break from the man she was seeing. Seems to me he can't get his story straight. Point is, he is not in the child's life and last saw the child when they were 3 months old and the child is now 3 years old, but the woman keeps him updated on how the child is doing and sends them pictures of the child every month. He told me that both of them were in no position financially to raise a child and she wanted to stay with the man she was on a break with. She married the man she was seeing and he believes the child is his and not someone else's. I did tell him how can you feel comfortable knowing that someone else is raising your child when it should be you since it's your responsibility and he said it's for the better for everyone and he saw it as a sperm donation but his body language said otherwise. He does not plan on being in the child's life in the future because it'll just cause psychological harm to the child and the man raising the child. He told me no one knows about this except him and his ex-fiance. He did tell me he was planning on telling me but later down the line. I don't know what to do anymore, should I continue seeing him or end it. He's a nice guy, so far.
Simple Logic Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 Who gets pregnant and tells someone they are the father and lets him raise a child as his while giving progress reports to real father? His ex seems really screwed up and the child might not even be his. With that said, your nice guy has lied to you about this and that is a disqualifier. 1
Tribble Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I don't think it's necessarily bad not telling you he had a child straight away, especially as he isn't a permanent feature in his life. You'd only been seeing him for a month and it is a lot of information to process. As long as he didn't lie (and I got a bit confused about that part). However. I would dump and consider it a dodged bullet. It is not the child that is a problem, it is his attitude. He says people shouldn't have kids outside of marriage (judgemental), but he did (hypocritical). I also would not want to date someone who will not step up to their responsibilities and abandon their child. To let someone else believe it is theirs and foot the bill. Not to mention what would happen if it all came out and the kid finds out they'd been lied to their entire life and not wanted by their biological father. Just no. You're only a month in. Find someone who is a grown up and owns up and takes responsibility for their choices. 2
Zahara Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I would have walked the other way then and there. A little over a month and he's a nice guy? People don't show you who they really are so soon but lucky for you he hit you over the head a month in with a significant red flag. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 Isn't it funny how we regard people for the little things they do right, but ignore the much bigger things they do wrong. You don't mention anything about his 'nice guy' ways. He is a RED flag...be wary...
mikeylo Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 .He told me no one knows about this except him and his ex-fiance. He did tell me he was planning on telling me but later down the line. Lol ! How old are you ?
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 Dump him and do not look back. This man can't get his story straight, how could you ever trust anything he says? And, he has a child that he is not involved in raising. BIG RED FLAG about his willingness to accept responsibility, his character, and his potential as a future father. I would throw this guy back if I was you...
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 A month in is quick for such a disclosure. He's not required to lead with this info especially since the child is not part of his life. I don't care for his attitude concerning any of this, however. Preaching that people shouldn't do what he did seems hypocritical & holier than thou. Only you know whether he's worth taking a chance on. Solely from what you posted, my vote would be no.
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 There is nothing wrong with keeping a secret from a "date" that is only known to a select few, but this -> She was my girlfriend... Um no, my wife... Um no my fiancée... Um no, she was my ex, but she "cheated" with me and got pregnant... Is a red flag. What IS the real truth? Him: I live alone... Well not actually alone, I live with a flatmate... Well not actually just a flatmate, I live with my ex gf... OK, not a gf, I live with my ex wife... We're not divorced, she's actually still my wife... YOU: So you are still married and living together? Him: Well sort of... 3
Erik30 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I think you should end it. He's not a "nice guy," if he was, he would be taking care of his own kid. It's pretty evil what he and his ex are still doing to this other guy. He's probably glad about how the entire situation turned out for him. A good person wouldn't be okay living with a huge lie like that. He will probably also screw you over in some way eventually if you stay with him 3
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