NC, Rebounding, a Paradox

[Kitchen]

It seems the consensus here, regarding breakups is:

 

1) When dumpees express confusion as to why it is so easy for the dumper to move on, the answer is typically that the dumper has been prepared for the breakup for a while, and in most cases they've had someone else lined up as well. This is why dumpers move on so seemingly quickly.

 

2) The only way to get over someone is full NC.

 

But #2 contradicts #1.

 

Anyone have a good explanation for this discrepancy?

[MrAK]

How does it contradict?

[Kitchen]

How does it contradict?

 

How does a dumper get over the dumpee so quickly? The usual explanation is that they have been mentally preparing for the breakup for a while beforehand.

 

But that flies in the face of NC.

 

The dumper gets over the dumpee not only without NC, but not even LC (given they are still in the relationship)...and probably while also being very physical with them.

 

Doesn't make sense.

[Jimmyjackson]

How does a dumper get over the dumpee so quickly? The usual explanation is that they have been mentally preparing for the breakup for a while beforehand.

 

But that flies in the face of NC.

 

The dumper gets over the dumpee not only without NC, but not even LC (given they are still in the relationship)...and probably while also being very physical with them.

 

Doesn't make sense.

 

Because the dumper is the one who has lost feelings or decided they don't want it for whatever reason. NC is for people who are still invested and blindsided.

[Maldives]

How does a dumper get over the dumpee so quickly? The usual explanation is that they have been mentally preparing for the breakup for a while beforehand.

 

But that flies in the face of NC.

 

The dumper gets over the dumpee not only without NC, but not even LC (given they are still in the relationship)...and probably while also being very physical with them.

 

Doesn't make sense.

 

That doesn't make sense. I don't think being the dumper is that black and white. NC is really for the purposes of not being g exposed and hurt anymore not to get the arsehole dumper back

[GeekLover]

I understand what you're trying to ask Kitchen, and I can see why there seems to be a descrepancy.

 

Two people are in a relationship, but the dumper seemingly "moves on" while still being in contact with you BEFORE they even dump you. They continue with the I love yous, the sex, the chats about future plans with you, yet somehow they are able to let go while keeping you in the dark.

 

Then once dumped, we're told the ONLY way to get over the relationship is through NC.

 

So you're wondering, "How the heck did THEY manage to do it without NC?"

 

I think it comes down to the level of confidence the dumper has in themselves. Some people are strong enough to know what they want and what they need, and are able to end a relationship if it isn't working for them. They are then confident enough in themselves to not look for validation in a new relationship right away, or by sending breadcrumbs to the dumpee for validation. They're simply strong enough and confident enough in themselves to learn from the relationship and spend some time alone for awhile. They don't need someone to love them because they know how to love themselves.

 

Then there are other dumpers who feel the need to jump into something new right away, or even line up the next person BEFORE leaving the previous relationship so they won't ever have to face themselves, and they can continue receiving validation from someone else (their new person). These types of people never unload their baggage. They carry it from relationship to relationship and continue piling it on-sweeping their issues under the rug to deal with eventually. Only they never get dealt with.

 

Either that, or they dump and then come sniffing around for the dumpee to boost their ego from time to time, until they finally meet someone else who can take over for the dumpee.

 

My dumper is the second one...the overlapper. NC has helped clear the fog enough for me to see some of these issues he had that I never noticed when I was in the thick of it. This has been my most favourite thing about NC so far-learning that I am a much stronger woman than I believed I was.

Edited April 30, 2017 by GeekLover

[Titanll]

Because the dumper is the one who has lost feelings or decided they don't want it for whatever reason. NC is for people who are still invested and blindsided.

 

Doesn't get any more accurate than this...

[Blanco]

NC is not the only way to get over someone, but it is the most effective. As someone mentioned already, this is geared more toward the dumpee, who has been tasked with overcoming something difficult that they did not want.

 

While not all dumpers end a relationship with ease, it is usually less devastating to them since they are, on some level, desiring the outcome (breaking off the relationship).

[Kitchen]

I think it comes down to the level of confidence the dumper has in themselves. Some people are strong enough to know what they want and what they need, and are able to end a relationship if it isn't working for them. They are then confident enough in themselves to not look for validation in a new relationship right away, or by sending breadcrumbs to the dumpee for validation. They're simply strong enough and confident enough in themselves to learn from the relationship and spend some time alone for awhile. They don't need someone to love them because they know how to love themselves.

 

I like this reply. It makes a lot of sense.

 

The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is really the confidence/ego/pride that make breakups easy or hard, for both the dumpee AND dumper.

 

Sure, there is this thing called love, and you're addicted to the other person, and it takes some time to get over the addiction.

 

But the far more painful aspect to this is recovering the hit to your ego, and this is why it's light years harder for the dumper than the dumpee. When you dump someone, you have the upper hand, the final say, the last laugh. Your ego is in shape. Being on the receiving end of that, it is the opposite.

 

I wouldn't say dumpees lack confidence and dumpers are confident. I would say that any dumper who ends up a dumpee would be in the same position, and any dumpee who ever becomes a dumper would move on instantly as well. It's because of the fact that being a dumpee in and of itself shakes your confidence.

[greenicon]

I understand what you're trying to ask Kitchen, and I can see why there seems to be a descrepancy.

 

Two people are in a relationship, but the dumper seemingly "moves on" while still being in contact with you BEFORE they even dump you. They continue with the I love yous, the sex, the chats about future plans with you, yet somehow they are able to let go while keeping you in the dark.

 

Then once dumped, we're told the ONLY way to get over the relationship is through NC.

 

So you're wondering, "How the heck did THEY manage to do it without NC?"

 

I think it comes down to the level of confidence the dumper has in themselves. Some people are strong enough to know what they want and what they need, and are able to end a relationship if it isn't working for them. They are then confident enough in themselves to not look for validation in a new relationship right away, or by sending breadcrumbs to the dumpee for validation. They're simply strong enough and confident enough in themselves to learn from the relationship and spend some time alone for awhile. They don't need someone to love them because they know how to love themselves.

 

Then there are other dumpers who feel the need to jump into something new right away, or even line up the next person BEFORE leaving the previous relationship so they won't ever have to face themselves, and they can continue receiving validation from someone else (their new person). These types of people never unload their baggage. They carry it from relationship to relationship and continue piling it on-sweeping their issues under the rug to deal with eventually. Only they never get dealt with.

 

Either that, or they dump and then come sniffing around for the dumpee to boost their ego from time to time, until they finally meet someone else who can take over for the dumpee.

 

My dumper is the second one...the overlapper. NC has helped clear the fog enough for me to see some of these issues he had that I never noticed when I was in the thick of it. This has been my most favourite thing about NC so far-learning that I am a much stronger woman than I believed I was.

 

Really good post - mine was the former, detatched feelings whilst still in the relationship and totally blindsided me in the New Year. I've found it tough going in the last 4 months. Was making progress, even went back to OLD. She joined the site i'm on over this weekend. Nearly sent me sideways when I saw her .

Anyway sorry I digress.. my other point is..if as a potential dumper in waiting if you will, why not speak up with a view to solving issues. Most things if not life/death based can be worked through - unfortunately these days most people walk of the back of one or two disagreements.

[greenicon]

I like this reply. It makes a lot of sense.

 

The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is really the confidence/ego/pride that make breakups easy or hard, for both the dumpee AND dumper.

 

Sure, there is this thing called love, and you're addicted to the other person, and it takes some time to get over the addiction.

 

But the far more painful aspect to this is recovering the hit to your ego, and this is why it's light years harder for the dumper than the dumpee. When you dump someone, you have the upper hand, the final say, the last laugh. Your ego is in shape. Being on the receiving end of that, it is the opposite.

 

I wouldn't say dumpees lack confidence and dumpers are confident. I would say that any dumper who ends up a dumpee would be in the same position, and any dumpee who ever becomes a dumper would move on instantly as well. It's because of the fact that being a dumpee in and of itself shakes your confidence.

 

 

Totally agree - it's a power balance thing. If the relationship was a pie - The dumper is the one firmly planting it in the dumpees kisser..

And for a while there is no emotional 'towel' handy to wipe the 'pain' away. Some posts on here claim that going NC hands the power back to the dumpee over time but I don't concur with that. The only time power is handed back to the dumpee is if the dumper comes back ovee time asking for reconciliation which as we all know is very, very rare.