ReaperOfTheGrim Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Hey guys, a little backstory; so I'm 5 months out of a 5 year engagement that devastated me. I relied heavily on this forum and other online resources to help get along afterwards, and it's helped tremendously. I'm in no contact with ex which has done wonders for the healing process, and hearing that she's moved onto another relationship has actually thrust me forward at an exponential rate that I hadn't anticipated. I still miss her throughout the day, but I can sense myself slipping into indifference toward her and the situation. Going through all of it, and watching myself healing in real time, which i never thought would happen (naturally lol) has actually done great things to my confidence, and I can finally say that I'm comfortable dating again, and it feels wonderful! Anyway, last night i had a great blind date with a great woman that was introduced to me through family. I wasn't aggressive and didn't press for a kiss or anything as she's a very conservative Catholic and I'm just reintroducing myself back into the wild, so I'm taking it slow. I felt the chemistry was there and we were talking over wine until the resteraunt began to shut off the lights (thanks Corey Wayne). We had a great time, and i recieved a text after dropping her off, and this morning telling me she enjoyed herself and would love to do it again. The problem I find myself in however is that i don't know if I'm interested in anything long term with her. She has 3 daughters from a previous marriage, and that is a bit of a deal breaker for me. I wrote a list of things i would and wouldn't want in a potential partner (as per Susan Elliot advice) , and it's important to me that someone I'm with long - term doesn't have children. All this being said, we really do enjoy each other, and we both want to see each other again. I want to have fun with her. Take her out, go fishing, to the movies, try new resteraunt, you know... date her. I feel like that's the point of dating, isn't it? Just having fun with each other, and get each other out of the house, enjoying life. Something that a heartbroken fella, and hard working single mother both desperately need i think. But I absolutely, under no circumstances want to hurt this girl. I really don't know whether i should lay off, and walk away to avoid hurting her, or just continue taking her out and enjoying each other's company. She's a really good, and sweet woman, but not necessarily what I'm looking for long term. That shouldn't keep us from enjoying each other, should it?
Redhead14 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Hey guys, a little backstory; so I'm 5 months out of a 5 year engagement that devastated me. I relied heavily on this forum and other online resources to help get along afterwards, and it's helped tremendously. I'm in no contact with ex which has done wonders for the healing process, and hearing that she's moved onto another relationship has actually thrust me forward at an exponential rate that I hadn't anticipated. I still miss her throughout the day, but I can sense myself slipping into indifference toward her and the situation. Going through all of it, and watching myself healing in real time, which i never thought would happen (naturally lol) has actually done great things to my confidence, and I can finally say that I'm comfortable dating again, and it feels wonderful! Anyway, last night i had a great blind date with a great woman that was introduced to me through family. I wasn't aggressive and didn't press for a kiss or anything as she's a very conservative Catholic and I'm just reintroducing myself back into the wild, so I'm taking it slow. I felt the chemistry was there and we were talking over wine until the resteraunt began to shut off the lights (thanks Corey Wayne). We had a great time, and i recieved a text after dropping her off, and this morning telling me she enjoyed herself and would love to do it again. The problem I find myself in however is that i don't know if I'm interested in anything long term with her. She has 3 daughters from a previous marriage, and that is a bit of a deal breaker for me. I wrote a list of things i would and wouldn't want in a potential partner (as per Susan Elliot advice) , and it's important to me that someone I'm with long - term doesn't have children. All this being said, we really do enjoy each other, and we both want to see each other again. I want to have fun with her. Take her out, go fishing, to the movies, try new resteraunt, you know... date her. I feel like that's the point of dating, isn't it? Just having fun with each other, and get each other out of the house, enjoying life. Something that a heartbroken fella, and hard working single mother both desperately need i think. But I absolutely, under no circumstances want to hurt this girl. I really don't know whether i should lay off, and walk away to avoid hurting her, or just continue taking her out and enjoying each other's company. She's a really good, and sweet woman, but not necessarily what I'm looking for long term. That shouldn't keep us from enjoying each other, should it? Don't let hormones/endorphins compromise your ability to use logic and focus on your needs and desires in/for a relationship. If she is dating for the purpose of finding a relationship and you are just looking for a casual dating scenario with her, you need to be clear about that and let her know she should not expect anything more from you. If she is OK with a casual dating scenario, fine, but you need to observe whether or not she seems to be lying to herself and then allowing herself to be come more deeply involved. To be on the safe side, I'd move on from her just because she doesn't meet your very significant dating criteria -- no children. 5
Miss Spider Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 (edited) I totally agree with redhead. It's fine to casually date. There are women who are looking for that. Fire up Tinder if you have to. But be transparent and don't date someone who you know wants more for company/to alleviate your boredom. That's desperate and being a jerk. Edited April 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
smackie9 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 It's going to come up in a conversation sooner or later....be honest. Hurt her? She won't be hurt, maybe disappointed but not hurt. BUT you never know she might just want some company and nothing more....you can call it casual or you can call it being friends. Nothing wrong with being just friends and hanging out having fun. 1
kendahke Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 All this being said, we really do enjoy each other, and we both want to see each other again. I want to have fun with her. Take her out, go fishing, to the movies, try new resteraunt, you know... date her. I feel like that's the point of dating, isn't it? Just having fun with each other, and get each other out of the house, enjoying life. Something that a heartbroken fella, and hard working single mother both desperately need i think. But I absolutely, under no circumstances want to hurt this girl. I really don't know whether i should lay off, and walk away to avoid hurting her, or just continue taking her out and enjoying each other's company. She's a really good, and sweet woman, but not necessarily what I'm looking for long term. That shouldn't keep us from enjoying each other, should it? You will end up hurting her if you do not tell her as soon as possible that all you want from her is to date and have fun and that's it. That her 3 children are a step too far for you. Then let her decide if she wants to have fun, spin her wheel but not move towards a long term relationship. That would be fair to her since you two aren't on the same page. If you do not speak up now, you will be allowing her to invest in a lie--because she may be led to believe that you want a relationship with her because of how good your chemistry is with her. Don't do that to her. She doesn't deserve that. Perhaps you needed to tell your family that anyone they set you up with has to be someone who doesn't have children. That would have avoided this problem you find yourself in. In fact, this is a "bottom line" issue that should be made clear as soon as possible. 2
JuneL Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Can you not ask her if a long-term relationship is a must for her? Who knows, with 3 kids, maybe she doesn't have time for a super serious relationship. If she's fine dating casually and you are attracted to each other, then I don't see any harm. Of course, don't lead her on and pretend that you want to have a long-term serious relationship with her. 1
SevenCity Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 I agree with Smackie. You have no idea what she wants or more importantly what she wants out of you. Just because she is a single mom doesn't mean that she's looking for a baby daddy. Let alone with you. You are having fun and that's all that matters. You should not lie about your intentions if it comes up and you may change your mind about the kids if she is really that great. She's an adult and you had one date. Keep moving forward until you determine your goals are not aligned. 3
act00 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 With three kids and a staunch Catholic, I don't know, it seems she might be seeking father/husband material. Three kids later, does she follow the birth control rule? Maybe she really just wants something easy and casual, as she does have a LOT of responsibility and does not want to take on more (boyfriend/spouse). It's hard to say. The bottom line, however, is you need to be on the same page. You need to let her know that you are not interested in being a stepfather and you are only interested in casual dating. If she agrees, you need to be prepared that feelings may grow, and she starts expecting more...or you start feeling more but those kids...or any scenario. It just feels like you have one strict deal-breaker, and it's probably best to not pursue it further because it really is a big one. 2
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