He wants to break up with me

[Kimc]

Hi there. I'm new here and in desperate need of some advice.

I'll try to keep my story short.

Until november 2015, I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy who I was very much in love with. I expected us to stay together until we were old and grey.

 

In January of that year, my father passed away after a short but very aggressive form of cancer. Is as devastated. I mourned and time passed. In nobember of that year, by bf said he wanted to end our relationship. He said he still loved me very much but wanted to be alone. He also had a son, who was like a son to me, so I felt I lost 3 persons that year.

I never understood why my bf wanted to leave. Was it because of the fact that I was still mourning my father and didn't give him enough attention? What's there someone else... I never knew. I had no closure.

 

Four months after we broke up he found someone else. So much for wanting to be alone. The fact that she had 3 kids made it worse because we talked about having children ourselves but decided not to so we could have more time for travelling etc after his son was old enough. I was very depressed when I found out. How could he love someone else so fast. I couldn't even think about someone else...

 

Anyway, time passed. It's been a year and a half now and I still love and miss him. Went on a few dates but never had that same feeling.

At the end of January this year I met someone who was not my type at all but was very kind to me. So I decided to give it a chance. He called me everyday, wanted to see me a lot and everything seemed fine. I started to feel happy again. I started to get butterflies again.

 

He came out of a 2 year relationship. They bought a house together (weren't married) and he was doing the renovations. Then something happened and she threw him out. So he went back to his home town where he now rents an apartment. Because he also invested in the house, he still spends a lot of time working there. So when it is finished, they can either sell it or she can buy his share.

 

So time passed and we started seeing each other less. He didn't call as much as he used to... I understood he was busy and tried not to make a big deal of it. The time we did spend together was always fun and romantic.

 

Last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago. I knew that the day after he was going to spend all weekend in her house working. He had already mentioned that sometimes he gets feelings for her again. That's normal I suppose when you've been together and still see each other a lot.

I can't stop him from going over there because he has to but every time he's there it's killing me.

 

I texted him a few days ago. Got a really short and 'cold' answer. No x like normal. He said he would call me Wednesday (yesterday). I had a gut feeling he was going to call me to tell me he's going to try and make it work with his ex again. So when he called yesterday, I didn't answer. I know, I'm a coward, but the thought of going through that pain and humiliation again.

 

I always seem to be the one that guys like. They tell me I'm sweet, good, beautiful but I always end up alone. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I try not to be needy, never said anything about his ex,...I don't know what to do know. Will he call again tonight. Should I send him a text and tell him I know why he wants to call and let him of the hook.

 

I cried myself to sleep yesterday. Can't stop crying now.

Why doesn't anyone ever want to be with me. Choose me for once.

I'm so angry with myself for getting in this position again. I'm angry with him for doing this to me. If he wasn't over his ex, he shouldn't have started pursuing me.

 

Sorry for the long post. I tried to make it as short as I could with as much info.

Please tell me what's the best say to handle this. I put my phone of and can't bring myself to put it on again because I'm can't handle the rejection again. I know I'm going to have to one time but can't just right know. :(

Edited April 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hippychick3]

Sweetie, in this situation you didn't do anything wrong except pick the wrong guy. Never date someone who is has just ended a long term relationship and continues to see that person under any circumstances. Huge red flag right there. It would not have mattered who you were in this scenario if he still had feelings for her.

 

You will eventually find someone who is completely available and over their ex...look for those men.

[Redhead14]

You can't make someone want you just the same as they can't make themselves want you. The heart wants what it wants. You simply need to realize that this guy was not over his ex, told himself he was, tried to move forward, perhaps, and just couldn't do it. He may likely find himself single again if the reasons for their break up aren't fully addressed. And, even if that happens, don't try to pull him back to you. He's not in a position to give fully to a new relationship.

 

And, don't spin break ups you go through to be ALL ABOUT YOU meaning don't blame yourself or start doing negative self-talk. It is what it is. Take the pressure of yourself by not thinking you can control what happens in a relationship. You can't build a fence high enough to keep a person in if they really want to leave. The tighter you try to hold on to someone, the harder they will pull away and the harder it will be on you.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. The guy is still very much involved in his ex's life, albeit via the house. She ended it with him - that is always a bad sign. He still maintains contact with her - another bad sign. All in all, he was not ready for another relationship. None of this is your fault or an indication that there is anything wrong with you - you just picked the wrong guy.

 

Why are you picking guys that have something else going on? Is there something attractive about unavailable guys? It's worth asking yourself that in case you are afraid of getting too involved and so are avoiding the guys who could be involved with you.

 

As to the present situation, if you are convinced he is going to end it with you, why not get in there first and end it with him? I see no reason to wait passively for pain. Take control. If you are going to lose him anyway, you might as well take the initiative. His replies to you do not seem very loving from what you have said.