BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Hello, I need LS help once again... Some of you may know the tumultuous back story to my relationships life that's dominated my last 2 years. I feel tired and drained. I was weak after my last break up. I was broken and needed someone and I let a sweet girl give her all to me to put me back together. I broke up with her at the start because I wasn't ready for a relationship.. we got back together and it's been hard work ever since. We've not got that 'magic'... that 'spark'... I'm not feeling attracted to her and out interactions... we've not got chemistry. I find myself repeatedly explaining my jokes or defending lighthearted humour, I plan things to please her rather than from my heart.... my heart is not in it. I've been torn with indecision over her for weeks and months and it's hurting her because she can tell i'm not where she's at. She loves me, she's sweet, strong, caring, and an all around lovely person that'll go far in life... but i'm just not in it. I spent last night with her and when she was all 'lovey dovey' with me, i found myself subconsciously pulling away. We had sex twice and i couldn't finish either time, my mind is racing so much about how it's not right. Everything just feels forced, awkward and wrong about it with me, i can feel it in my gut. It's not just because i'm 'pining for my ex' anymore... that's pretty much gone now. This is just how i feel with her, I feel like I can't reciprocate her level of feelings and i'm at a loss as to what to do. I've spoken to my therapist about it and he's suggested breaking up because it sounds unhealthy, love has to be reciprocal, you both have to give equally, she's giving a lot more that i'm able to. I find myself postponing doing it (breaking up) over and over. Although she's left it on the table numerous times for us to break up, all I've had to do is say 'yes' and I've said no.. Just because I can't stand to see the pain in her eyes. I care for her deeply, I don't want to hurt her, but I am if I stay and I am if I leave. I see her heart breaking in her eyes and I back track out, I want to say I'm not ready for this but I talk myself into giving it another week, waiting for that spark to turn up. How can I break up with her softly? How can I gently let her go?! I'm not ready for this, I've never broken a heart before. I'm still not 100% after having mine broken a year ago either... not that I pine for my ex, I just think i need to be alone for a while... I have written her a letter, explaining how it's all me, that i'm not ready... I don't want to be a coward and do it over text etc... I want to do it face to face but I keep bottling it! I can't stand to hurt her as I really do care for her, I'm just not in love with her. It's been 6 months and I don't think i'll get there. She deserves to be free to find someone that can give her everything she deserves... We've tried explaining issues with what's missing/not working for weeks, we've nearly 'broken up' 4/5 times in 6 months... something just isn't right. Please help me... do i bring up that she was right weeks ago... I'm not going to get there and i'm sorry? Do I leave her the letter and let her call me. I don't want to leave her without closure like i was previously. I think she knows this isn't working, we're both being ignorant... I think she was crying before going to bed last night... I couldn't' sleep. Please help me.... I'm not a nasty person but I know i'm doing something wrong.
Heartbrokenandhurt Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 This made me tearful to read, because I was basically your ex. It felt almost like your post was written by your ex about me. Same time frame, same reasons for dumping me (except we did have a spark in the beginning he claims...) I think you need to think what it is about her that you're not liking, is it something she could change? Because I wish my ex had spoken about it with me before it was too late. You are going to break her heart yes. Why do you think theres no spark??
todreaminblue Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 i think if you look at it more like you are preventing her from finding the person who really loves her...... this could go on for years and years you will take the best years of her life not breaking up with her,sliding between alomst break ups to unshared truths.....and yet not loving her the way she should be loved.....and you when you eventually do leave her will leave just a shell of the woman she could have been......had you left her earlier........ i have broken hearts and i dont do it lightly....or without thought.....it hurts me more to break a heart than to have my own broken because i feel it double...the guilt the unhappiness the sadness ......the anxiety the desperation i feel it all... ..but i know i would rather feel that than leave a shell of a guy behind me......i prefer to leave a man behind me who is better for being with me...for knowing me.......thats why i plug honesty so much on this site.....be honest be true to what you feel and you will hurt her far less..... do not let her think things are fine when they are not..or worse let her wait anxiously for the next almost break up.......be quick...be gentle...but be firm.....if you get lonely do not go back to her......leave her with a chance to find the guy who truly cares and loves her for all she is or coudl be.... ....and then ...you leave her better for being with you...than neve knowing you at all....do it.....soon..be honest with her for sure be kind..... and ..if not today......tomorrow.....good luck....i wish you well....deb
TheWoman Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Please just do it, and do it kindly. It reads like you have used this woman to get over your breakup. And now that you are not feeling so bad, you dont need her anymore. It is not a very nice thing to do to another person, even unconsciously. So let your actions confirm that you really are a good person, and end it asap. 6
basil67 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 I'm sorry, there is no gentle way to break up. All you can do is be firm but kind. And don't drag the relationship on a moment more than it needs to - otherwise she would be fair in her assumption that you have been stringing her along. And honestly, if you've nearly broken up a number of times since you got together, she shouldn't be all that surprised. 3
springy Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Please just do it, and do it kindly. It reads like you have used this woman to get over your breakup. And now that you are not feeling so bad, you dont need her anymore. It is not a very nice thing to do to another person, even unconsciously. So let your actions confirm that you really are a good person, and end it asap. Agree with this. And then go NC, no further contact. It will just prolong her pain. 2
JuneL Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 This made me tearful to read, because I was basically your ex. It felt almost like your post was written by your ex about me. Same time frame, same reasons for dumping me (except we did have a spark in the beginning he claims...) I think you need to think what it is about her that you're not liking, is it something she could change? Because I wish my ex had spoken about it with me before it was too late. You are going to break her heart yes. Why do you think theres no spark?? It sounds like they just don't have the connection (I am not talking about physical chemistry here). This kind of things cannot be forced. Why would you want to change yourself and force a relationship with someone who is not the into you?
SoThatHappened Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Please just do it, and do it kindly. It reads like you have used this woman to get over your breakup. And now that you are not feeling so bad, you dont need her anymore. It is not a very nice thing to do to another person, even unconsciously. So let your actions confirm that you really are a good person, and end it asap. ^^^ This. And, for the OP and others reading this: Please, stop trying to use others as a way to get over someone else. It's a lose/lose situation. Learn to move on from your past ON YOUR OWN and be happy ON YOUR OWN instead of using outside influences to make you happy. If you want to bang away and not let emotions get invovled as a way to 'cope', then fine. But don't lead someone on just because you need something to fill a void. 5
DontBreakEven Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Ugghhhhh. My heart hurts just reading this post. You are obviously a very caring person. I hate the fact that sparks are not often reciprocal. It really really sucks because there is literally nothing anyone can do about it. Lemme give you some perspective: I went through this with my exfiance (I was in your gf's shoes, although at one point my ex did have a spark for me, she lost it, so it's basically the same thing). My ex was a very caring person as well. Cared VERY much for me. Did not want to lose me from her life. But it just wasn't there for her, for whatever reason. She did what I hope you won't do: wasted another 18 months of my time, until I finally lived with and proposed to her, and 8 days later she was gone (the proposal put the proverbial nail in the coffin for her - she just couldn't go through with it). You're not gonna go through with it either. You have to let her go. I know it's awful. I've been the dumper and it was more awful than I ever expected it to be (I used to think all dumpers were just heartless wastes). No one wins. But no one is going to win anyway. You won't feel fulfilled completely, and she won't either, because it will be obvious that you aren't. I hate the reality of this, and I never advise people to break up, but there is that reality. Reality bites. 3
Whodatdog Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 You know, deep down inside, she probably really knows things arent right between you two, not they way they should be. She'll be hurt, but she is going to know you are doing the right thing. She doesnt want to be with someone who isnt all in, 100% in love with her. The longer you play this charade, the worst it will be for her. You know what you have to do. There is no easy way to do it. 1
Nothingtolose Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 As others have said, my heart hurts just reading this post, because I have been where your current girlfriend is - trying to be the most important thing in the world to a guy who was stuck on "the one who got away", who put a girl (who wasn't even nice) up on a pedestal that she did not deserve to be in, and giving me the breadcrumbs of what was left of his heart. I read all of your past threads to get an understanding of your story with your ex, and even though you're saying you're over her now, and that isn't the issue, the issue is your lack of 'spark' with Bambi, I'm not sure I buy it. I understand you can't choose who you love or who you're attracted to - but if you weren't at least somewhat into Bambi, you wouldn't even have given it a shot in the first place. There was some level of attraction and interest that made you want to give it a go, albeit a half-assed one, as you kept comparing her to your ex in your head and convincing yourself that you just couldn't feel the same way about her. I believe that love is a choice. If there's at least some level of initial attraction and spark, that can grow and blossom into a beautiful thing, but a plant only grows when you water it. It sounds like you've been keeping her at arm's length, only giving a little here and there, not fully determined to leave the past behind and give the new relationship an honest, deep, heartfelt go. Bambi has sensed it, and has demanded more from you, thus causing a lot of the fights you've had. I am making assumptions here, but it sounds so very familiar to an old situation of mine. I knew I could never live up to "her" (or at least his idealization of her) but that was only because he CHOSE to stay stuck in that idealization, the 'what if', instead of genuinely telling himself 'You know what? **** her (the ex). She didn't want me anymore, she's nothing really that special, and there's an amazing woman right here ready to love me. I'm going to give her the very best of me and see where this takes us". It really is sad because this girl sounds a lot more loving, caring and down to earth than your ex who according to you was a narcissistic princess - sorry to be so blunt. But if you really feel like you can't give her anymore than what you already have, then by all means let her go...it will hurt her more the longer you drag this out. That past experience at least taught me to stay away from men who seem to have an unhealthy idealization of an ex or still seem to be pining over an ex in any way....men are funny creatures when it comes to being obsessed with one woman in particular, and no amount of loving, caring and dedication from a new woman will steer them away from the mentality that the ex was better. 1
Whodatdog Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 (edited) I couldnt disagree with you more. Love is not a choice. Settling is a choice. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it can't be forced. Its easy to see where you are coming from, since the same thing happened to you, but the OP has given it plenty of time. It just isnt there. You can't make it be there. And in the end, its not right to keep the relationship together. Edited April 28, 2017 by Whodatdog
SpecialJ Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 I agree that love is a choice, if the baseline attraction/connection truly existed in the first place and there are no specific incompatibility deal breakers. Usually if things started that way but one partner suddenly loses attraction later, but the other partner didn't change, partner one has some other issues -- with intimacy, commitment, vulnerability, etc. This doesn't mean it can be forced to work out, but the partner has to be willing to make the choice to face his or her fears to make it work. That being said, if the OP has communicated with her and tried to work through it with her and been honest so far, then as long as he cuts her off sooner than later, he's done all he's capable of. Time after the break up will tell if it really was an issue of them not being right for each other or if it was timing and where he is at this point in his life. Either way, I wish you luck, OP, and am glad you really want to do the right thing for you both. 3
AOC Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 Everybody is going to offer you different advice. Have you considered not being in a relationship for a while? It will feel uncomfortable and lonely, but maybe what would be best is to find a strong group of Christian men to love and support you in a way female and sexual relationships can't. Other men can be models for you as to how to live. It might just change your life and give you solid footing so that you feel safe, secure, and on a path of purpose and mission in life. You don't have to be a Christian to visit a church and find some good Christian men mentors/friends who are your age or older (or both). All churches that truly minister the light of Christ accept seekers of life and meaning with open arms and as equals. It might be scary, but be willing to be vulnerable. Tell your story and be open about your confusion, hesitancy to change, and your thoughts and feelings. If anything you can be proud of yourself for trying something new. It just might give you a foundation you never knew was possible for a man like you.
Author BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 Hello LS, Thank you for your thoughtful and straight talking advice, I admit i don't need it sugar coated. I am relieved to say that over the weekend we have mutually agreed that we need to end our relationship. I brought it up and she agreed, she'd been thinking the same for a while... We care for each other a lot and we will get in contact again when our hearts have had a chance to heal and get used to not being around each other. As some of you have suggested. I am not going to date/get in to a relationship now for a while. I need to spend time alone and really get happy with what i've got in myself and my life. I've got some ghosts in my closet i need to clear out and lessons to learn from both these relationships that I need to grow and learn from. It's time for growth. In all honesty I believe that what's meant to be is what's meant to be, our best chance for us ever working out from where we're at now... is to meet fresh faced again at some point in the future.. when we've both had chance to really grow... I'm sorry if this story has hurt any of you reflecting on your own past relationships... it's hasn't been easy and i'm sure your ex partners (if they're a bit soft like me) found it incredibly difficult too.... And lastly, if anyone out there reads this in the future that's thinking of putting a 'x' shape bandage over a 'y' shaped scar across your heart... it doesn't work. Don't hurt someone to make you feel better. If you've got a soul it only prolongs the pain and makes it worse. Time to go heal, properly. Thank you LS. ps. Don't be afraid to love, it's giving love that heals you. 2
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