DumpedGuy9617 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Okay, so I already know the answer to this, but wanted some insight from outside sources because I need a little encouragement. For some reason, this week has been exceptionally tough. Long story short, I met a girl on a dating site with whom I hit it off. Admittedly, both her and I were probably rebounding. To further complicate things, she is dealing with a serious health issue (technically mental health but affects her physically as well). I know, right, sounds like bad news. From the start I had hesitation about dating this person, but I fell for her pretty hard anyway. We hung out a lot over the course of a relatively short period of time. I thought most the times were pretty good, and she seemed to enjoy herself. I did spend a lot of time relating my experience to her, trying to coach her through the tough times she was facing. She was struggling with this illness pretty hard. Another thing is I've always been a fixer, and dealing with that sort of thing comes somewhat naturally to me. Fast forward, one week she posts on social media she has made this breakthrough with what's going on with her. We had plans to meet the next day; I can tell something is wrong. She basically tells me she thinks we rushed into something and we need to cool it down for awhile. She asks me what I expect of her, and I tell her that I'm interested in dating her. She says she is not in a place to be in a serious relationship. I kind of freaked out at first, and sent her a lot of texts asking questions like why are you ending this, I don't want it to end, etc. Went no contact after a few days of compulsive messaging. Randomly, like two weeks later, she messaged me late at night saying she relapsed, so she's reaching out to me, not sure why. I basically told her I was there for her and worried about her; no response. Waited a week and just said I hope you're doing better than last time we talked. She responded and we went back and forth about what was going on with her, etc. I didn't mention the relationship, but toward the end she said, "understand why I broke it off?" I said I did. What does this all mean? She went from seemingly liking me a lot to not being ready, and it seems she actually is struggling with things. Is it all bs, and she was trying to let me down easy, or is it possible she's actually afraid of getting involved in a real relationship? I know what it usually means...but coming from her, with all this weird stuff going on...man it just makes it even more stringy alongy than it usually is. I have resolved to not initiate conversation with her, and was actually feeling better until she randomly messaged me. I guess I know the answer is to just move on, but most of you on here probably understand that is easier said than done. It's what I will have to do, but a voice inside my head says it's a mistake. Thoughts? Man I can't believe how bummed I am about this, despite it being short and now having been removed from the situation for several weeks. Hell if I was reading this myself from someone else I would tell them to run away. But I really thought there was something there.
Altair0770 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Can't save everyone. Trust the process of NC. It's not a mistake. Your mistake is keeping in contact and responding to breadcrumbs that aren't moving to reconciliation. As I said in your old thread, my ex has a mental illness. I kept feeling guilty for moving on despite that she didn't want a relationship with me. Then I realize, despite her mental illness, she's a narcissist and I'm glad to be out of it.
Author DumpedGuy9617 Posted April 27, 2017 Author Posted April 27, 2017 Are you saying I should not respond to her if she messages me?
SpecialJ Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 (edited) It's not BS. She's doing you a favor. She isn't afraid, she just knows she can't give you what you want right now, which she's being honest about. Plus, she's trying to take care of herself right now and having issues even doing that, so she certainly doesn't have the emotional energy to be a caring partner to you. That doesn't mean she doesn't care at all, though. I think her bringing up see why I can't be in a relationship with you after a conversation about how screwed up she is right now is caring and self aware. Respect her wishes. Now let's focus on you. If you're on the rebound and you're a fixer, what need is she filling for you that you don't want to let go of? How can you fill that need on your own? It sounds like she knows she can reach out to you if she REALLY needs to. If you can handle keeping a healthy distance/boundary but don't want to just bail on someone who truly needs help and has no one else, tell her how you feel. You're not ready to be just friends, but if she's really in need of help she can turn to you. If you can't set a healthy boundary for yourself while being there for her, then instead tell her you care and want to be there for her in the future, but right now you need some time for self care first and will reach out when you're ready to be just friends. You can't "save" her, nor should it be your responsibility to after only knowing her a short time. Good on her for not asking you to. Try not to think about reconciliation if you can help it. If she's as bad off as you describe, she's going to need a LONG time to get better. Heal yourself first then see where you're at. Edited April 27, 2017 by SpecialJ 1
Rouik Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 I would be hesitant to rush into a relationship with someone who has already stopped it from happening. Trust that when she says she isn't ready that she actually isn't ready, the random contact with you may come from her being lonely or that you are one of the people that actually understands some of her problems. As far as no contact that is completely up to you, if you can be ok with the sporadic contact that doesn't lead to a relationship then its probably ok, but if it bothers you then I would stop. You have to look out for yourself, Good luck and best wishes.
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