lilspratz Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Firstly, hello and I am hoping to some of you can share your experience with loving someone with Fear of Intimacy issues. My BF and I have been dating coming up on 2 yrs. I am a very affectionate and open person with my feelings. I love cuddling,hugging and all that stuff. Whereas my BF ...not so much. He is usually pretty good with the amount of affection I give him. Although, he does acknowledge that he is not that type. Never has been and was raised in a home with none of that as well. Which I figured as much. He says he shows his affection in other ways. And I tend to agree with that. I am more than willing to give him his personal space. Whenever I compliment him or talk highly of him he always replies with Ya! Ya! and smiles. Its kind of our thing. Well I recently told him that I loved him and he said... he knows followed up with a... Ya! Ya!..... Not much of a talker..lol Here's my thing....In your experience how would say they feel about hearing you tell them that you love them? Do they like to hear that or does it make them uncomfortable? I just want to thank you in advance for taking the time to reply.
Redhead14 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Firstly, hello and I am hoping to some of you can share your experience with loving someone with Fear of Intimacy issues. My BF and I have been dating coming up on 2 yrs. I am a very affectionate and open person with my feelings. I love cuddling,hugging and all that stuff. Whereas my BF ...not so much. He is usually pretty good with the amount of affection I give him. Although, he does acknowledge that he is not that type. Never has been and was raised in a home with none of that as well. Which I figured as much. He says he shows his affection in other ways. And I tend to agree with that. I am more than willing to give him his personal space. Whenever I compliment him or talk highly of him he always replies with Ya! Ya! and smiles. Its kind of our thing. Well I recently told him that I loved him and he said... he knows followed up with a... Ya! Ya!..... Not much of a talker..lol Here's my thing....In your experience how would say they feel about hearing you tell them that you love them? Do they like to hear that or does it make them uncomfortable? I just want to thank you in advance for taking the time to reply. If he truly does have a fear of intimacy, you need to re-evaluate this relationship in terms of what you are getting from the relationship and whether it will be enough for the longer term. People with a fear of intimacy do not/cannot share on a deep enough level to have a real connection. They know how to make it look good, but it's superficial. You say you are willing to give him a lot of personal space. That suggests to me that he pulls away and often. That is a hallmark of a person with fear of intimacy. They are uncomfortable with hearing the words "I love you", because they can't/won't say it back. Oftentimes, these people will pull away after they've received expressions of love/emotion because it's overwhelming to them. If he doesn't behave this way at all then I'd say he doesn't have fear of intimacy. He's just a little shy about it or gets embarrassed by it but he probably likes it otherwise, you'd sense that. Be careful when you apply the description of fear of intimacy. 2
preraph Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Well, every guy is different. Many guys get scared off if you say I love you before they do (if they ever do - they may show you instead or give you a ring). So it depends on the guy. I wouldn't expect this one to be too ooey-gooey, but it will be interested to see if he forces himself to proclaim his love one day when he proposed to you. I mean, it IS kind of rude not to say it back unless you simply don't love them back. I mean, even a little "You too" or "back atya" is better than nothing. But just wait and see because men show their love more than say it anyway. If he's protective and does things because he wants to keep you happy and is proud to show you off to friends and family and takes care of you in small ways, you're on the right track.
Phoenician Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Dear , you are sexually incompatible and this relation will end up with a lot of scars ; re-consider throwing the towel and minimize your emotional losses. if you don't ; you will one day end up in a sexless relationship ; if you can live happy with no affection ; ignore my message ; but I doubt you can . I am married to a lovely lady , beautiful, great mom since 18 years , and the amount of resentment i have is eating me . rejection is very hard ; even when they don't mean it . LD partners don't feel the wrong thing they do , it is like you give someone deaf a music CD ( sorry don't mean to insult a deaf person , i am a half deaf myself ...)- and you ask next day how is the music . Best
todreaminblue Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 i dont knwo if thats fear of intimacy in your case but just a different love language(ways of showing intimacy and affection)...fear of intimacy ...you dont have a "thing" or knowledge that you can understand..... the person doesnt stand there and smile and say ya or another show of shyness....you too or the same back instead of ya and a smile....when you show them love.peopel who are scared fo intimacy will run...they run far away...even in physical distance..my suggestion is to take notice of his "love language" and appreciate his differences....if you do love him...you will work this love language out to a fine art form.....deb
basil67 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Loving someone who has a fear of intimacy? It sounds like a great way to get hurt and find you've wasted a number of years with that person. You're a braver woman than I.
Tribble Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 I agree with some of the others, from what you've said, it doesn't scream fear of intimacy to me. You say you are physically and verbally affectionate but he is not. Just because he doesn't show intimacy in these ways doesn't mean he fears it. An indicator of this is that he accepts it. If he feared it, he would pull away (which he may and you missed it out tbf). However, you need to make sure your needs are being met. If you aren't feeling intimacy from him, he isn't showing it to you in ways you recognise or understand. And you may not be showing him love in ways he gets either if physical and verbal affection isn't what he's used to. Time to have a talk I think and make sure you're both accommodating of each other, even if you have to make little changes. That is if you both love each other and want it to work! 1
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 I think if you are a person who loves "cuddling, hugging and all that stuff" and he doesn't and he needs loads of personal space too, then whilst he gets the best of both worlds ie he is constantly reminded of how much you love him and he can retreat to his cave when he wants, you are left with a man who you have to guess how he feels and who will withdraw when maybe you will need him the most. YOU are guessing and assuming and making excuses already for him. A few more years down the line and that will not be enough for you. Guys like this will not change into cuddle monsters, they tend to stay the same or get worse as they start to take you for granted. YOU will never know where you truly stand and that will become increasingly frustrating for you. You will start to feel unwanted and unloved without the affection you crave. Yes, you may get your needs for closeness met by family, friends, children and pets, but for a person who values emotional connection, then living with such a man long term is going to be very difficult. "He loves me in his own way" may sound good and is a great excuse, but it is rarely satisfying and resentment usually builds.
salparadise Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Loving someone who has a fear of intimacy? It sounds like a great way to get hurt and find you've wasted a number of years with that person. You're a braver woman than I. I agree with this, assuming he actually does fear intimacy. I wonder if he also fears abandonment. These often go hand-in-hand with emotionally disabled people. They need to keep you, and the relationship, in the mid-range. They push away when you get too close, and pull when there's too much distance. It causes their partner a lot of angst, and it ends up being all about managing their dysfunction... and very little about meeting your needs in the relationship. It feels intense, but little satisfaction, comfort or security. I've learned to avid this dynamic like the plague. Ultimately, it's all about them. You have to look for reciprocity early on, and if it's not there... wishing and hoping it will magically appear someday is futile.
Redhead14 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Loving someone who has a fear of intimacy? It sounds like a great way to get hurt and find you've wasted a number of years with that person. You're a braver woman than I. I hope she's just mislabeling because if she isn't, she is likely kidding herself about how he makes her feel. The thing I find interesting about women who say they are "in love" with a man with a fear of intimacy, is that, in these situations, she isn't getting what she needs in return emotionally. The relationship is one-sided and the woman is "doing all the work" and stressing out over whether or not he really loves her all the time. She becomes a chameleon as well -- changing herself to accommodate and keep him around. It takes a very strong, secure and super independent woman to really love a man with fear of intimacy. She cannot be needy or clingy at all. The man may love her in his own way and usually everything is on his terms. If she pulls on him or becomes demanding, etc., he's either goes into "hiding" for a bit to protect himself from the overwhelming feeling of fear and discomfort and will come back when he's ready or will, at some point, completely disappear and without a single word -- poof even after years of being "together". She needs to listen closely to him when he talks . . . these are the guys who often say things like "you deserve better", "why do you hang out with me", "I don't know what I want" if pushed about progressing the relationship. "you deserve better" is a classic "disclaimer". They know they can't give enough to a relationship to make a woman happy so that, when it ends, he can basically say "I told you so" thus relieving himself of guilt for stringing the woman along. In these cases, though, it's the woman who has been stringing herself along because deep down she knew things weren't quite right. He wants a needs the comfort/security of a relationship/woman but he knows he can't maintain it and he does want her around, but again, it has to be on HIS terms. Again, I hope she's wrong about the label.
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