Feeling a void/something's missing

[feelingstuck]

Hello,

 

First thing's first I'll give a backstory as to my breakup. I was seeing someone for roughly a year, and it was the best relationship I've ever been in. The first several months there was nothing out of the ordinary and we saw each other frequently. However, she's currently a PhD student and so once the past September came around, and the academic year started she had much less free time. We began to only be able to see each other once every week or two. This wasn't an issue for me because I cared about her deeply and I wanted to be with her. I told her that I knew that her PhD was her priority in life, but that I still wanted to be with her and that I wanted to support her and cheer her on. I wanted to value and cherish the time we were able to spend together, rather than worry about the time we spent apart. The relationship itself, as I mentioned was great. We got along very well. We never got into a single argument or fight the entire time we were together, only a few minor disagreements. We both respected each other and trusted each other fully.

 

In December, around Christmas time, she decided to end things. This came totally out of the blue for me. It was so unexpected. She had never previously mentioned she had been feeling that way. Just a week prior she was saying how her best friend was going to be in town, and how she really wanted me to meet her because she had told her all about me. And she also mentioned how she was going to have a lot more free time in the coming months and that we'd get to see each other more often than we had been.

 

She first told me about the breakup over Facebook and I was devastated. I asked if we could talk about it in person, which she assured me we would, but she said it would have to be a week later, due to how busy she was. That week was absolute hell on me. Once we met and talked in person she only had positive things to say about me/our relationship. She said that I made her happy and feel beautiful, that we had something really good together, that there's nothing she would change about me, and that she still had feelings for me. But she just had this "gut feeling" that she needed to end things and wanted time and space to focus on herself and her career. I told her that as much as it hurt, that I wanted her to do what she thought was best for her. She was thankful and said that it was best if we didn't talk for a while so that she was able to reflect on things.

 

I obliged, and for a few weeks we didn't talk. But then one day I had this realization, where it was like: why are we giving up on our relationship so easily if we both agreed we had something really good together, and we both (supposedly) still had feelings for each other? So I contacted her and asked her why she never told me she was feeling that way? why did she feel like ending things was the first and only course of action? why, if she had only positive things to say about me/us, and that she still had feelings for me, are we not even trying to work out something that could work for both of us?

 

It was at this point where she told me that she had nothing more to say. That she had said that it was a "gut feeling" and that she couldn't explain it. And that by contacting her, I wasn't respecting her wishes of giving her time to reflect on things. After that exchange I guess she decided to go fully no contact. She blocked me on Facebook and hasn't responded to any texts/calls I've tried to send since then (which were things along the lines of "Hey I hope you're doing well, I'm sorry if it seemed like I wasn't respecting your wishes. That was never my intention, I was just having trouble processing what was happening and wanted to better understand your thoughts/feelings).

 

It has been several months since, and this breakup has been extremely difficult for me to get over. It took me a couple of months to get to the point where I even accepted it was over. It took a couple more months for me to be at peace with the breakup, and to forgive her for ending things. I've tried to sympathize with her position, and I can understand why she might have felt like she needed to end things. But currently, I'm still struggling with how to process the fact that she decided to go no contact right after I had contacted her looking for some closure. I couldn't understand why this relationship we both agreed was great was ending just like that. I couldn't understand why she hadn't talked to me about how she was feeling, or why she felt like we couldn't even at least try to work something out.

 

I can understand why she thought going no contact might have been the best thing for her. But it's still so painful that she implemented it because she wasn't able/willing to talk about her feelings. To her it must have seemed like that was the easiest thing for her to do. That although I was hurting so much, and trying to process what was going on by trying to understand her perspective better, that she felt like just ignoring that fact was the best thing to do. I don't understand how she can say all those good things, but then completely disregard how I was feeling. Or be unable to sympathize with how I might have been feeling.

 

I'm at the point now where I feel like I'm over the relationship, but I still just feel like there's this massive void. I still just really miss her presence in my life. I still care about her deeply as a person and I wonder how she's doing and how her research is going and all of that, but I just have to live without knowing. And it's always on the back of my mind, if we'll ever talk again or if that was goodbye forever. It hurts to think that someone who was the best person I've ever been with, and our breakup was even amicable up until she accused me of not respecting her wishes, could just be gone forever. I still think about her every day, but I wonder if she even thinks about me at all. It seems like she feels like cutting me out of her life was the right decision. I often anticipate hearing from her, and that she'll say something like "Hey, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, I just didn't know how to handle things at the time.." But that day hasn't come, and I don't know if it ever will. All of that leaves me with a very empty feeling inside.

 

That ended up being longer than I expected, but if you read everything and have advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Edited April 26, 2017 by feelingstuck

[fromheart]

Well she sounds pretty cold and horrible to be honest, ending it on facebook and not having the courage and respect to meet with you to end it, I'd tell her she was the one who was dumped at that point. I don't tolerate that sort of bad communication and disrespect in my life.

 

Which is why I have to ask you, why are YOU tolerating this in your life? By reaching out for closure and wanting to understand what she's doing... There's nothing to understand. You knew her for less than a year and now when the honeymoon is over, she's showing you who she is and where she's at.

 

Bullet dodged and nothing lost. Many times we meet people whom we think are great, and wind up being incredibly disappointed when we get to know them. Be glad that you know now and wont be wasting anymore time with her.

[feelingstuck]

Well she sounds pretty cold and horrible to be honest, ending it on facebook and not having the courage and respect to meet with you to end it, I'd tell her she was the one who was dumped at that point. I don't tolerate that sort of bad communication and disrespect in my life.

 

Which is why I have to ask you, why are YOU tolerating this in your life? By reaching out for closure and wanting to understand what she's doing... There's nothing to understand. You knew her for less than a year and now when the honeymoon is over, she's showing you who she is and where she's at.

 

Bullet dodged and nothing lost. Many times we meet people whom we think are great, and wind up being incredibly disappointed when we get to know them. Be glad that you know now and wont be wasting anymore time with her.

 

Thanks for the response. I have asked myself this question before. I think it's because it seemed to me that everything felt right and amazing while we were together. There was never anything inherently "bad" about the relationship. But I do also feel like how she handled the breakup was very cold, and part of me does feel disrespected and unappreciated. That's something that I have felt very confused about. How she could be very caring and appreciative during the relationship, but then so cold and distant during the breakup. It feels like 2 different sides of the same person. So I'm often left wondering if her cold and distant reaction to the breakup is a side of her that I never saw and that is truly a part of her, or if she was feeling a whirlwind of emotions like I was, but she was unequipped/unwilling to handle it and just decided that she didn't have the time to deal with them because of how busy she is with her PhD work (which I know should still be no excuse). I guess I was unable to accept that that could be a part of who she is, because everything I had ever seen had led me to believe that she wouldn't act like that. To me it felt like she wasn't acting like herself (or herself that I knew, at least), so that there must be something else going on as to why she acted that way. She had told me that she was under a lot of stress/pressure in her academic work so I kind of made the assumption in my head that "Oh she must be super busy/stressed out right now so maybe that is why she's acting this way.."

Edited April 26, 2017 by feelingstuck

[fromheart]

So I'm often left wondering if her cold and distant reaction to the breakup is a side of her that I never saw and that is truly a part of her,

 

 

Yes, it is a part of her. And thats the side you'd also would have had to live with, so bullet dodged.

 

Its a dysfunctional part of her for sure, but unless she can see that and starts to work on herself she'll always be the cruel b~~ch she's being.

 

The reality is she might well always be this way. Really best to just go strict NC. This will work wonders on all levels.

[SadEgg]

Hi. I know a lot I people will give you the "be happy you dodged a bullet" line because they are, more often than not, absolutely right ....but as someone who went through a somewhat similar situation as you ...it never made me feel better when I heard it. I get what they are saying but when my ex boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere, it felt more like I was hit by a bullet, one that I wasnt prepared for or expecting, than that I dodged one.

 

So, I think all your feelings are normal.

 

I feel all those things too because the person and the relationship I experienced for a year and a half (three and a half, if I included our previous friendship) doesn't match up with the 10 minute conversation/person that broke up with me. At all.

 

But it happened, and at some point if you don't allow your brain to think of that person as cold or mean or as a bullet you should be happy that you dodged...then you'll never move on. You'll always be waiting for them to text or call and that void will always be there.

 

I hope things work out for you.