RavishingTemptress Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 A long time ago, I had a sex partner who I really fell for. I would tell him, "I love you" during sex and he wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't kiss me during sex. I didn't have any relationships for a long time after him. I was so put off. Now, I have this issue where I assume all guys are like that. I have a new relationship and he's really warm and affectionate and I'm not feeling it. I have had sex with him a few times and yes, I love sex. He keeps trying to kiss me and I keep putting my head down so he can't. I kiss him during sex, but afterwards I turn my head, like when we're saying goodbye. I feel like I can't allow myself to feel romantic. I feel like it's all a show and he's only putting this on to have sex. I think I'm okay if it's just sex, I'm trying to just enjoy the lust. But it would be nice to have some romance again. Last time I went over, he said, "I'm really good with just snuggling up with you" because I was tired, but then I wound up wanting sex. Also, we didn't do anything until the fifth date, and then he told me when we were making out, "I didn't know what your intentions were, but I was okay with us not being physical because I thought 'She is awesome!'" Things like that give me a little glimmer that maybe I could have some romance in my life again. But I'm so put off by being faked out. I really don't want to be closed off. (Yes, I am starting therapy in two weeks, but that's as soon as they could get me in.) I guess I'm asking, how can I tell if he really wants to be romantic and he's interested or if he's considering me a fwb? We go do things together and have nice conversations. I know I could ask him. But I sort of feel like it's too early to have this discussion. I'm not even sure if I want something committed yet, but I definitely don't want to put pressure on him to commit. The last thing I need is for us to push it into something we aren't ready for. I'm just really clueless about men and signals. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Keep reminding yourself that the new guy is not the old guy Give the new guy the benefit of the doubt but keep your eyes open for red flags. 2
coolheadal Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 A long time ago, I had a sex partner who I really fell for. I would tell him, "I love you" during sex and he wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't kiss me during sex. I didn't have any relationships for a long time after him. I was so put off. Now, I have this issue where I assume all guys are like that. I have a new relationship and he's really warm and affectionate and I'm not feeling it. I have had sex with him a few times and yes, I love sex. He keeps trying to kiss me and I keep putting my head down so he can't. I kiss him during sex, but afterwards I turn my head, like when we're saying goodbye. I feel like I can't allow myself to feel romantic. I feel like it's all a show and he's only putting this on to have sex. I think I'm okay if it's just sex, I'm trying to just enjoy the lust. But it would be nice to have some romance again. Last time I went over, he said, "I'm really good with just snuggling up with you" because I was tired, but then I wound up wanting sex. Also, we didn't do anything until the fifth date, and then he told me when we were making out, "I didn't know what your intentions were, but I was okay with us not being physical because I thought 'She is awesome!'" Things like that give me a little glimmer that maybe I could have some romance in my life again. But I'm so put off by being faked out. I really don't want to be closed off. (Yes, I am starting therapy in two weeks, but that's as soon as they could get me in.) I guess I'm asking, how can I tell if he really wants to be romantic and he's interested or if he's considering me a fwb? We go do things together and have nice conversations. I know I could ask him. But I sort of feel like it's too early to have this discussion. I'm not even sure if I want something committed yet, but I definitely don't want to put pressure on him to commit. The last thing I need is for us to push it into something we aren't ready for. I'm just really clueless about men and signals. You need to love yourself again and be more confident have some backbone (self-esteem). You lost it with the guy who too affection away from you. You was doing great. All this affection boils down to how they were raised. By two loving parents who had shown love and affection or those with none. Why did you stay with a man that could show you back affection. Just having good sex isn't enough. You need it all, no love, no attention to detail makes it awful. Your mindset is damage and your always thinking about the first guy. The second you need to ask him how he was raised. I had given you example. That would give you idea what your dealing with. Why not do some mind to energy healing of your inner soul to your inner though. Free yourself from past pain. It works. Try that first before you seek any additional help. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 (edited) A long time ago, I had a sex partner who I really fell for. I would tell him, "I love you" during sex and he wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't kiss me during sex. I didn't have any relationships for a long time after him. I was so put off. Now, I have this issue where I assume all guys are like that. I have a new relationship and he's really warm and affectionate and I'm not feeling it. I have had sex with him a few times and yes, I love sex. He keeps trying to kiss me and I keep putting my head down so he can't. I kiss him during sex, but afterwards I turn my head, like when we're saying goodbye. I feel like I can't allow myself to feel romantic. I feel like it's all a show and he's only putting this on to have sex. I think I'm okay if it's just sex, I'm trying to just enjoy the lust. But it would be nice to have some romance again. Last time I went over, he said, "I'm really good with just snuggling up with you" because I was tired, but then I wound up wanting sex. Also, we didn't do anything until the fifth date, and then he told me when we were making out, "I didn't know what your intentions were, but I was okay with us not being physical because I thought 'She is awesome!'" Things like that give me a little glimmer that maybe I could have some romance in my life again. But I'm so put off by being faked out. I really don't want to be closed off. (Yes, I am starting therapy in two weeks, but that's as soon as they could get me in.) I guess I'm asking, how can I tell if he really wants to be romantic and he's interested or if he's considering me a fwb? We go do things together and have nice conversations. I know I could ask him. But I sort of feel like it's too early to have this discussion. I'm not even sure if I want something committed yet, but I definitely don't want to put pressure on him to commit. The last thing I need is for us to push it into something we aren't ready for. I'm just really clueless about men and signals. Well, to answer your question as to "any ideas to where is this going", my answer is "probably nowhere" if you keep your foot on the brake as you have been. We aren't your therapist, but keeping yourself closed off just because "you've been hurt before" (who hasn't) probably isn't going to get you a great relationship. I mean, how do you think all this looks from *your partner's* end? He probably thinks YOU just want a FWB, going by your behaviour! At some point if you want to love, you have to take a chance again. (And to answer your other question, no, there really isn't a foolproof 15-point checklist or anything that tells whether a new guy is sincere or not, sorry. It just takes time. Love will always carry risks.) Edited April 26, 2017 by Imajerk17 5
Author RavishingTemptress Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 Well, to answer your question as to "any ideas to where is this going", my answer is "probably nowhere" if you keep your foot on the brake as you have been. We aren't your therapist, but keeping yourself closed off just because "you've been hurt before" (who hasn't) probably isn't going to get you a great relationship. I mean, how do you think all this looks from *your partner's* end? He probably thinks YOU just want a FWB, going by your behaviour! At some point if you want to love, you have to take a chance again. (And to answer your other question, no, there really isn't a foolproof 15-point checklist or anything that tells whether a new guy is sincere or not, sorry. It just takes time.) Yes, I can see your point. I'm not sure if I just want fwb or more. I guess the first guy, I was more his f**k buddy. This guy gives me long romantic kisses. He wants to cuddle. I don't know if that's what fwb do (vs f**k buddies) or if it's him showing interest. And you are right, I need to watch the brakes. I don't want to ruin any chances for a really nice relationship. I'm really enjoying being his friend, and I don't want to ruin that in any way.
kendahke Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 (edited) I don't think it's too early. You have a serious problem being able to distinguish between a smash buddy who was only in it for sex and wasn't going to return feelings of love no matter what you did and someone who is in it for the complete haul--based on the actions you've shared here--and you're punishing him for what the smash buddy did. On top of that, you're painting every single guy you see with the same brush because you haven't taken time to resolve that experience so that you're not so emotionally fragmented and are whole, clean and clear enough to proceed with a new man. This isn't his baggage to unpack: it's yours and yours alone. You're being unfair. He's going to wise up eventually and if he's got a healthy sense of self, he's going to realize that you're not all that awesome after all. Perhaps you'd be better served finding a therapist and not a boyfriend until this is resolved. Edited April 26, 2017 by kendahke 2
Author RavishingTemptress Posted April 27, 2017 Author Posted April 27, 2017 (edited) I don't think it's too early. You have a serious problem being able to distinguish between a smash buddy who was only in it for sex and wasn't going to return feelings of love no matter what you did and someone who is in it for the complete haul--based on the actions you've shared here--and you're punishing him for what the smash buddy did. On top of that, you're painting every single guy you see with the same brush because you haven't taken time to resolve that experience so that you're not so emotionally fragmented and are whole, clean and clear enough to proceed with a new man. This isn't his baggage to unpack: it's yours and yours alone. You're being unfair. He's going to wise up eventually and if he's got a healthy sense of self, he's going to realize that you're not all that awesome after all. Perhaps you'd be better served finding a therapist and not a boyfriend until this is resolved. Thank you for the responses. See, I definitely wouldn't want to do anything to screw up our relationship. I really like him a lot. I feel like he could be one of the best friends I've ever had, for life. I've never met anyone this interesting. I definitely don't want to hurt him, either. I've met tons of guys recently due to OLD, and this is the only one I *really* connected with. I'm going to try so hard not to be "unfair." Part of the thing (I tried to reply earlier but my post was censored?) is I don't understand the difference between smash buddy and fwb. I don't know if all the affection and cuddling is part of fwb (he had one of those before he met me so I know it's something he does) and when I went to his best friend's house with him to watch a movie, he put his arm around me and held my hand on the couch and I was shocked that he would do that around other people and when it wasn't around sex. I'm not used to it. (Yes, I even tried to google smash buddy vs. fwb vs. relationship and read a bunch but still am confused. Some said they kiss and cuddle fwb and some said it was a no-no.) The whole thing is new and weird to me, but it's a good kind of weird, because I'm happy. I really don't want to flub this all up. I do want him to keep thinking I'm "awesome." Edited April 27, 2017 by RavishingTemptress
basil67 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Try not to get too bogged down in definitions of a casual sex partner. No matter what the term is, the upshot is that the whole concept of the thing is sex without strings, ties or a relationship. It doesn't matter if they cuddle you all night or pull their trousers on and head out - it's just about sex without a relationship. From what I understand, your current guy interested in a relationship. Not just meaningless sex. So you can't compare him to the first guy. That said, the last guy didn't technically do anything wrong. You accepted him as a sex partner and a sex partner you were. The main thing to take away is the knowledge that having a casual sex partner doesn't work for you and you should avoid doing it again. 1
preraph Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 Just try to relax and not try to think about it too much. Just take each day with him for what it is and don't try to rework it in your mind. See what he will do. That's what dating is for. You might not like him enough or be attracted to him enough, or you might enjoy the sex but not be excited about the person or vice versa, but just let it unfold and let him show you who he is and you just see if you like him enough or not. If it is mutual he will eventually have the talk. If it's not, it will fizzle. Do NOT give your heart this soon. I know you have lost trust, but honestly, going into a relationship doe-eyed will just get you hurt and we all lose that naivety eventually. It is true it's not as much fun when you're not able to wholeheartedly expect the best from a man, any man, but the fact remains a good man will earn your trust over time. So just give it time unless you decide you yourself are not that into him. Good luck. 1
Cali1978 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 I'm wondering if the chemistry is right between you? Do you think you're turned off kissing him because the attraction and chemistry isn't really there? That you can't see yoirself long term with this person?
Author RavishingTemptress Posted April 27, 2017 Author Posted April 27, 2017 I'm wondering if the chemistry is right between you? Do you think you're turned off kissing him because the attraction and chemistry isn't really there? That you can't see yoirself long term with this person? I think it's there. As soon as he puts his arms around me, I want to climb him.
Miss Spider Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 turning your head when he tries to kiss you is...yeah. You are priming yourself for FWB as others have said! I understand things can be hard when you've been hurt emotionally. I hope you get some help. X
Author RavishingTemptress Posted April 27, 2017 Author Posted April 27, 2017 turning your head when he tries to kiss you is...yeah. You are priming yourself for FWB as others have said! I understand things can be hard when you've been hurt emotionally. I hope you get some help. X Duly noted. I'm going over tonight and I'm going to be mindful not to do that. Emotional intimacy isn't my strong suit.
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