She wants to talk

[Alphamunkey]

Never really posted anything like this but I thought this will be a good place to jot down my thoughts and see what other people think. So to set the story, I met a girl named Shelly let's say, I met Sally just under a year ago online and we met pretty quickly after our first encounter online. Had 3 dates, had our first kiss and went on from there. She's French, speaks good English but struggles with slang words here and there, especially with my British slang. She's 32, very professional, has a demanding job, quite shy, and dosent go out partying a lot. That said she will eat and drink out with her work colleagues and potential clients quite a lot. We been on 3 holidays together and just came back from Cambodia recently, all going swell. Until last Sunday after a film, she randomly says we need to talk. I was shocked at this as she was so serious about this and it came from no where, she followed that she wanted some space and would like it to go back to normal when I had my place she had hers.

 

Now ow I admit I reacted a little over the top, I said fine, got up and packed my things, she said we should talk and I refused like the idiot I am. I slept on the sofa and left first thing in the morning. I left int he morning leaving a note saying " I understand what you said last night, I'll give you some space. I know your always busy with work but call me if you ever want to hang or chat when you're free" the letter felt organic at the time and right but it seems soooo lame right now.

 

2 days later no contact, I messaged her about her day. She replied normally about her regular schedule but short sentences. Next day I sent a message saying I missed her, what she been up to. No reply for the whole day, and I couldn't resist asking what was up. " have I done something wrong?" The following messages goes like this.

 

"hey, sorry you haven't done anything wrong"

"it's me"

"my mind is elsewhere"

 

asked her her if she wanted to talk and said we should, not on the phone or messaging. I then asked her before this chat is there anything I can do or have done differently? She replied no and just be yourself. Then saying I wasn't feeling great about the whole situation and wished it be normal again, then saying she was sorry again. So used this point to ask at least what it was about and she replied

 

"it is space for everything, I need to be free where I live, in what I am doing, with my family, my job, with everything and cannot handle living with someone and after these 2 days I feel I want to be left alone"

 

"i cannot pick and choose when i want to see you this is totally unfair to you"

 

"i dont want you to wait for me just because i decide what is the priority and when"

 

"this is why i was feeling so bad lately, because I don't want to do this to you"

 

to to put this into context, I started staying with her since Christmas as my place had no internist to start with as I work online heavily, she then gave me a space in the wardrobe, towels the lot. I came over with a bag all the time.

 

"one of my friend told me i was like this and did not accepted at that time but unfortunately for me and ppl around me this is the truth"

 

I then replied with "

Ok, I really appreciate you telling me that. Even if it's over text. We can talk more on Sunday when you're ready to talk further about this. Just know that, I'm on your side. I'll do whatever to make you feel comfortable and get to a point where you want."

 

some chat about bout she was sorry again and wish her English was better and that wish I could speak French. She mentioned that she feels extremely egoistic. I just said don't feel like that and pretty much ends with

 

"i am not sure if you really understood what i was trying to say but please dont give any hopes in us"

 

"good night"

 

 

Where the hell has all this come from?! I'm so confused and don't understand what I have done or could of done. I have also mentioned that if she was ok with me being at hers as I didn't want to smother her and she said it was all good a month ago . I'm seeing her in 3 days and contemplated on sending her flowers but I guess that's the worst thing I can do. I hope this Disney turn sour as I really like this woman. Will be more than happy to fill in more details if anyone wants to know

[Zahara]

She's ending the relationship. She's just not very forthright about it because she's trying to let you down gently and likely feels guilty about hurting you.

 

I'm not sure why you both still need to talk on Sunday. Don't send flowers. She's asked for space so give it to her and space in her words mean that she isn't invested in this anymore.

[Alphamunkey]

Ah great, why can't nothing be straightforward! So should I just call off Sunday then?

[Zahara]

Ah great, why can't nothing be straightforward! So should I just call off Sunday then?

 

Personally, I would call it off. What else does she need to say because everything that had to be said, was said.

 

She's already prepped you with the below. Sunday would just be a repeat of what she's said and possibly her hopes of walking away amicably.

 

- she wanted some space and would like it to go back to normal when I had my place she had hers.

- hey, sorry you haven't done anything wrong. it's me. my mind is elsewhere

- it is space for everything, I need to be free where I live, in what I am doing, with my family, my job, with everything and cannot handle living with someone and after these 2 days I feel I want to be left alone

- i cannot pick and choose when i want to see you this is totally unfair to you

- i dont want you to wait for me just because i decide what is the priority and when"

- i am not sure if you really understood what i was trying to say but please dont give any hopes in us

Edited April 26, 2017 by Zahara

[rester]

Sorry OP, but it's clear as day it's over. I would still go on Sunday for the closure but only if you can accept the breakup with dignity and wish her the best in the future. Don't ask questions!

 

If you can't do that, cancel. Don't send flowers or anything else. It's over.

[Purepony]

I'd set it up for Sunday then cancel at the last second

... actually I wouldn't even cancel I would just set it up and then when it's six or 615 she'll probably call me I would answer the phone and be like oh I'm so sorry it was that today I totally forgot ? It's cool no worries let me call you back and I would never call back

 

My guess is she found someone else

[Alphamunkey]

Is it worth trying salvage a friendship out of this?

[Alphamunkey]

Oh judging from the comments probably no, God I feel like crap

[Purepony]

No !

Don't be one of her girlfriends !

 

I understand you're hurt and all but this woman clearly already told you!

if she maintains a friendship I assure you it's out of pity just move on with some dignity for god sake

 

She's been very very clear !

[Purepony]

Oh judging from the comments probably no, God I feel like crap

 

 

Don't feel bad it happens

It just happened to me about two weeks ago except I found out she had just moved in with her bf ....

 

Anyways

It will hurt for a bit but you'll get over it and there's always that chance that she could change her mind but you have to stay away if you want your best chances for her to come back and buy stay away I mean completely stay away then include social media and includes texting calling anything just MoveOn !

[Zahara]

Is it worth trying salvage a friendship out of this?

 

There is no friendship. At least at this point.

 

Dumpees often throw this out to keep a foot in the door because they fear letting go. That finality is frightening.

 

Go NC and heal from this. When you get to a level of indifference, you can seek a friendship. Chances are by then you'll be over it.

[fromheart]

Is it worth trying salvage a friendship out of this?

 

 

Unless you fancy being one of her gay, male buddies then no.

 

When a woman backs away, disappear. Never reach out to her again. You can give her sometime to reach out to you before dating other women if you wish, but there's usually no point in delaying.

 

Last time a woman backed away from me I gave her 5 days before I went off with another woman. Nowadays I'll just start messaging another girl as I'm walking out the ex gf's door.

This often gets the woman whos backed away back wanting another chance in my experience, but I'm not interested in women who back away. They've done it once, they'll do it again.

 

It is best that the dumper is given the gift of missing you.

She can either be 'the one who dumped you and regretted it,' or 'the one who dumped and you are still a wounded puppy dog years later.' Its up to you, and I put this out to all that have been dumped.

 

If you ask for another chance, for closure, for a 'talk,' this never gets them back. They just regard you as weak and will get cruel. And like I said, there's no point in getting back anyway as they'll just do it again. You cant make an emotional investment on those grounds, its a bad move.

 

Its best to move on, lick your wounds and learn from this.

Edited April 26, 2017 by fromheart

[SevenCity]

Unless you fancy being one of her gay, male buddies then no.

 

When a woman backs away, disappear. Never reach out to her again. You can give her sometime to reach out to you before dating other women if you wish, but there's usually no point in delaying.

 

Last time a woman backed away from me I gave her 5 days before I went off with another woman. Nowadays I'll just start messaging another girl as I'm walking out the ex gf's door.

This often gets the woman whos backed away back wanting another chance in my experience, but I'm not interested in women who back away. They've done it once, they'll do it again.

 

It is best that the dumper is given the gift of missing you.

She can either be 'the one who dumped you and regretted it,' or 'the one who dumped and you are still a wounded puppy dog years later.' Its up to you, and I put this out to all that have been dumped.

 

If you ask for another chance, for closure, for a 'talk,' this never gets them back. They just regard you as weak and will get cruel. And like I said, there's no point in getting back anyway as they'll just do it again. You cant make an emotional investment on those grounds, its a bad move.

 

Its best to move on, lick your wounds and learn from this.

 

Op - read this an internalize it as fromheart is 100% correct.

 

Start talking and dating now. You'll need the practice and a new chick will help you get over the old one. That's why so many women have another guy lined up before they leave. They understand how emotions work much better than we do.

[Alphamunkey]

Thank you everyone for giving advice, I just hate being so pathetic and weak. This has actually happend to me before but a lot more drawn out and we ended because we were long distance. The more I think and try to rationalise why, I can't think of if a solid answer why it has happend, and no point. Believe it or not I'm rarely this vulnerable as a person. After some thought i think I will meet her as I've set my mind that it will end and have closure, more importantly I know she will most probably bring all my stuff to me.

[jamili]

Thank you everyone for giving advice, I just hate being so pathetic and weak. This has actually happend to me before but a lot more drawn out and we ended because we were long distance. The more I think and try to rationalise why, I can't think of if a solid answer why it has happend, and no point. Believe it or not I'm rarely this vulnerable as a person. After some thought i think I will meet her as I've set my mind that it will end and have closure, more importantly I know she will most probably bring all my stuff to me.

 

If you meet her, do your best to hide 1000% of all of your emotions. Make the meeting brief, end it quickly, etc. Wish her the best and leave. That's it. It's going to be hard as @#$%, but if you can pull it off, you will walk away a strong man and she won't forget you and will have a lot more respect for you went out begging/pleading/etc. Like Fromheart says it increases your chances of a potential reconciliation down the line. The other important thing is never, EVER contact her again, ever.

Edited April 27, 2017 by jamili