LAEK Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Very brief outline - met 7 years ago, in and out of each other lives, always liked each other, but nothing happened. With other people at various times. His birthday we got back in touch again, always claimed he was going through a tough time and from then on he was relentless in his pursuit of me. My defenses were up, he broke through them. , started backing away, until I confronted him and he told me his head is messed up and he's confused, that he didn't plan it and although I was right to ask questions, he didn't have the answers. I am left wondering what the f**k happened. I guess we ended it then. Said I didn't want it to end like that, he said he didn't either. But he was so cold and distant. Asked him if he wanted space, he said yes. I know when he meant he was confused, just meant he didn't want to be with me. But NC is a killer, its literally only been a few days, but the anger today was building inside of me and I cracked and texted him. He hasn't replied and I guess he wont and that is why I am now here, how to move on without proper answers/closure?! And to get support in not contacting him.
Altair0770 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Delete him off all social media. set your accounts to private, and delete his number from your phone. He said he wanted space. You shouldn't have any means to contact him. If he wants to contact you he will.
SadEgg Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 There really is no good answer for how to deal with not getting the closure you need. It sucks. Being and posting here is a good start. Try and keep busy.
klick09 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Very brief outline - met 7 years ago, in and out of each other lives, always liked each other, but nothing happened. With other people at various times. His birthday we got back in touch again, always claimed he was going through a tough time and from then on he was relentless in his pursuit of me. My defenses were up, he broke through them. , started backing away, until I confronted him and he told me his head is messed up and he's confused, that he didn't plan it and although I was right to ask questions, he didn't have the answers. I am left wondering what the f**k happened. I guess we ended it then. Said I didn't want it to end like that, he said he didn't either. But he was so cold and distant. Asked him if he wanted space, he said yes. I know when he meant he was confused, just meant he didn't want to be with me. But NC is a killer, its literally only been a few days, but the anger today was building inside of me and I cracked and texted him. He hasn't replied and I guess he wont and that is why I am now here, how to move on without proper answers/closure?! And to get support in not contacting him. So, do you live close to each other? How many times did you see each other? Here are my two cents as someone who dated someone who had many online strings, but one of them seemed a bit special to me. Some people need constant reassurance and attention, and online "soulmates" are their perfect source. When I asked him about this girl, he said that she was a good support, and they liked each other in past and so on. But, I also know that he would never leave any of his partners to be with her. He said and showed it. In fact, he let me read her messages while we were dating, and I felt a bit bad for her and asked him to leave her alone, because she believed they were meant to be, and he knew that would not happen. Seven years is a long time, and if he wanted to be with you, that would have happened by now (of course, I do not know if you have a partner and what the deal on this is). Do not drag yourself! You two could have easily been each other's emotional crutches and that is not a true love. You can do better.
Author LAEK Posted April 27, 2017 Author Posted April 27, 2017 I was a bit emotional when I wrote it and I wasn't sure it would make much sense so thank you Altair0770, SadEgg and klick09 - you really made me think. We met up infrequently, pretty much in the same sort of social situations. I'm starting to think we both built up images of each other that when the reality of day to day stuff hits, I am realising how little we really did know about each other. I think he was working that out before I had the chance to really think about it. I think it was just implied that we got on well. We were both with partners at various times over the years. We never told each other over the years we were attracted to each other - it just never came up. And that is probably why it was so intense after we admitted it. And I think that is what I am struggling with - it was all such a whirlwind. If we had took it slow, maybe we would have had a real chance, but I think cause we thought we knew each other it was ok to be "fast". Something Altair0770 said hit me, "if he wants to contact you he will" - it made me realise, I didn't want to be left with any hope or in limbo. I didn't want to jump everytime my phone rang. I am already hurting, the next contact could have been yes he's not confused now and he definitely doesn't want me and it would be like starting through all this again. So I did what is usually a no no, I sent an email. Basically saying what's happened has happened and its best to make a clean break, wishing him well. To be honest it was the only "closure" I could get. He's blocked on everything now, deleted and blocked his phone number, deleted the messages (so I wouldn't be tempted to look through them again), he's blocked on all social media/whatsapp and I blocked his email address. I felt like my life was out of my control and I needed to take some power back. I think I was addicted to who I thought he was rather than who he is but god this hurts.
jamili Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 For me, personally, the hardest part of NC isnt resisting contacting the dumper. The hardest part for me is ignoring the dumper when she contacts me. That's the part of NC that has been excruciatingly difficult for me. I have no desire to reach out to her, since she ended it and this is what she wanted. But when she contacts me, i get this hope building inside me that she wants to reconcile... and ignoring her makes me think im blowing it and missing an opportunity for that to happen. But, alas, the thing that keeps me going is acknowledging within myself that she isnt constantly contacting me because she wants me back, or else she would make that more clear. Thats my experience with NC.
AlexM123 Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 For me, personally, the hardest part of NC isnt resisting contacting the dumper. The hardest part for me is ignoring the dumper when she contacts me. That's the part of NC that has been excruciatingly difficult for me. I have no desire to reach out to her, since she ended it and this is what she wanted. But when she contacts me, i get this hope building inside me that she wants to reconcile... and ignoring her makes me think im blowing it and missing an opportunity for that to happen. But, alas, the thing that keeps me going is acknowledging within myself that she isnt constantly contacting me because she wants me back, or else she would make that more clear. Thats my experience with NC. Geez this relates to me as much as something can. I can pretty easily go my whole life without contacting her, but when she has contacted me my mind and heart just go crazy. Great post. As for OP, no contact is definitely hard... in the beginning. Chances are the majority of people have started NC only to break it within a few days or weeks. I know I did. But after some time not talking to them will feel normal and the urge will die down step by step. Good luck!
Author LAEK Posted April 28, 2017 Author Posted April 28, 2017 It totally makes sense to me jamili. I hate to ignore anyone or play games like not replying for hours/days at the best of times, but when emotions are involved - I don't think I am strong enough. When he was pulling away, I craved any contact, because it gave me the hope it would all somehow work out and the anxious feeling would be replaced with peace or to put it more realistically - relief, but it was bittersweet. I was getting messages but they could not have been more cold or uninterested. It was horrible. I needed a proper ending that ended with complete NC. Part of me knows he wont get in touch anyway, but I need to pretend I have some power at least. Its all about killing the hope right? Thanks AlexM123, hope you are managing ok!
jamili Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 It totally makes sense to me jamili. I hate to ignore anyone or play games like not replying for hours/days at the best of times, but when emotions are involved - I don't think I am strong enough. When he was pulling away, I craved any contact, because it gave me the hope it would all somehow work out and the anxious feeling would be replaced with peace or to put it more realistically - relief, but it was bittersweet. I was getting messages but they could not have been more cold or uninterested. It was horrible. I needed a proper ending that ended with complete NC. Part of me knows he wont get in touch anyway, but I need to pretend I have some power at least. Its all about killing the hope right? Thanks AlexM123, hope you are managing ok! There is always hope. But puttingiy out of your mind and eliminating it as a primary focus, is the trick, and the goal. None of us really knows what will happen in a year, 5 years ,10 years, etc from now. The idea that we have any control over what will happen is completely an illusion. Thats why i think having hope in your heart is natural and healthy, but you can still accept that it is over, and come to terms with the fact that its most likely forever, and move on either way. I personally think when we eventually meet someone better, and who we love even more than our ex (hard to imagine, right?), then the hope is naturally fade.
Author LAEK Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 I'm struggling today. Just trying to get my head around being used for someone's ego trip, its basically what it all boils down to. I didn't want this relationship, I didn't need it and I definitely didn't want this hurt. I was actually happy being single. The more I resisted, the more of a challenge I must have become and the more he pushed. I wasn't even deliberately playing "hard to get", I just was trying to protect myself. I told him talking about feelings was coming out of my comfort zone and he told me to go with it. How could he not know I would get hurt? He knew I noticed when he was withdrawing and being cold and still he was carrying it on. Trying to pacify me with lovely speeches rather than saying anything that resembled the truth. Until the final time when he still couldn't answer much but made sure he was talking in past tense about us. And then the next day I don't want us to end like that either. Trying to pacify me again so he could ultimately "ghost" me? I hate how his life gets to carry on as normal and I'm exhausted trying to stay busy and move on from this...
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