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Do you think an affair makes a WS realize what they have?

Popsicle

By Popsicle
in General Relationship Discussion

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

Like they took their BS for granted...didn't know what they had...didn't appreciate them, because humans suffer from that sort of thing. Then, when they have an affair and of course that eventually turns to a mega-pile of ****, they realize that it was not worth it but wow their BS is so awesome and/or so much better!!

 

Do you think that's what happens?

  • Like 2
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'm sure it happens.

 

And I'm sure there are others who are unhappily married but for whatever reason, haven't left.

  • Like 4
jenkins95 Established Member

jenkins95

Posted
Posted

That's how it worked for me pops. I learned so much in the 10 minutes after disclosure of my affair that i could write a book on just those few minutes! I might even try it - like a James Joyce style "stream of consciousness" type thing!

 

The main thing i learned was that my wife truly loved me, loved us - at the deepest level. I had doubted that for a long time. I also realised that i loved her... And my family and suddenly saw the affair for what it was.

 

It was like a lightbulb flashed on. Shame it took such a horrible thing as that to make me see things clearly.

  • Like 7
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Do you think an affair makes a WS realise what they have?

 

I think that happened for my H, but not in the way you meant.

 

When we had The Talk, he insisted that he was happily M, and had no intention of leaving. And I think he genuinely thought that all Ms were, below the surface, as toxic as his own - that that was just the bed you made and you must lie in it, when you get M.

 

But the A showed him that not all Rs were like that. Over the years he realised that not all Rs become toxic over time, and that it was not inevitable for people to start taking each other for granted and treating each other badly in a R. And so he was obliged to recognise that his M was, in fact, abusive, and that it wasn't doing himself or the kids any favours to hang in there. So he went to IC, and the rest is history.

 

Without the A, he'd have tried to stick it out - but his depression would no doubt have gotten worse, and he'd have been hospitalised at the very least. Perhaps the xW may have found another OM and gone off with him, too - or perhaps her drinking would have escalated and put her in hospital, IDK. Either way, it was unsustainable as a M, but at least this way no blood was shed.

  • Like 2
Just a Guy Established Member

Just a Guy

Posted
Posted

Hi coco, your post is confusing probably because I do not know your story. Did your husband's ex wife have an affair or did he? Which marriage was abusive and why, his marriage to his ex wife or his marriage with you? What "Talk" are you referring to? Sorry if I've come across as a buffoon buy some clarity would help. Thanks.

 

Popsicle, I'm sorry if the above appears as a thread jack but that is not my intention. I am genuinely confused. Regarding your question, I think it depends on the character of the Wayward spouse and the reason they cheated. There are some people who are serial cheaters and will cheat even if they had the perfect spouse and perfect marriage. Such people never give up on their spouses. They know they have a good person and a good marriage. However the itch to cheat is so strong and cyclic in nature that they will cheat repeatedly and yet, paradoxically, love their spouses to death and will hold on to them for dear life. Then there are people who, in a certain situation and under certain circumstances, fall into the trap of an affair. The situation can be a boss at work making overtures to them and using workloads to soften them up, or it could be an unloving atmosphere at home with the spouse being unresponsive to their needs and then someone at work shows interest in them or any number of permutations and combinations of situations and emotions. Such people are not looking to cheat but fall into a trap, a trap they could avoid if they they had the emotional strength to do so. These people are likely to view their spouses in a new and positive light after and affair fizzles out or is discovered. The collateral effect on their spouses is such that whatever shortcomings the spouse had before the affair is then attended to in IC sessions which the BS would probably undertake as part of his or her recovery process. Lastly, there are WS who indulge in exit affairs and never look back. I guess your question does not pertain to them.

 

Hope some of this makes sense. Warm wishes.

  • Like 1
aileD Established Member

aileD

Posted
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Cocorio is a former OW who's MM left his wife for her and they are now happily married.

 

 

For my H I think he would say that he learned a lot about relationships because of his affair. He learned the difference between love and limerence, he learned that the beginning of ALL relationships are intoxicating but that doesn't equal deep love. He also learned that indulging in selfish desires destroy so much more than just the marriage....they destroy your relationship with your kids too. He learned the difference between fantasy and reality

  • Like 4
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Hi coco, your post is confusing probably because I do not know your story. Did your husband's ex wife have an affair or did he? Which marriage was abusive and why, his marriage to his ex wife or his marriage with you? What "Talk" are you referring to? Sorry if I've come across as a buffoon buy some clarity would help. Thanks.

 

Apologies for the t/j, but to clarify:

 

His xW had an A (which she still denies to him, but has admitted to everyone else, including the kids) and left the M to be with her OM after physically attacking her then-H (now my H) in front of the kids. It was a very traumatic separation, and while he (H) loved being separated, the kids struggled as she (nowXW) became unstuck after OM dumped her. She begged H to take her back, he did contingent on promises which she made (and later broke - including attending MC) because of the kids struggling.

 

Later, he and I had an A, which helped him realise how abusive his M to his xW was. The Talk was the one we had at the beginning of the A, setting out our expectations, ground rules, etc. Hope that clarifies.

 

Sorry pops for the t/j

  • Like 1
QuietDan Established Member

QuietDan

Posted
Posted
Like they took their BS for granted...didn't know what they had...didn't appreciate them, because humans suffer from that sort of thing. Then, when they have an affair and of course that eventually turns to a mega-pile of ****, they realize that it was not worth it but wow their BS is so awesome and/or so much better!!

 

Do you think that's what happens?

Former Wayward here.

It happened for me. I did. It took a while. Happy to still be married to my wife 10 years later.

  • Like 4
Birdies Established Member

Birdies

Posted
Posted
I think that happened for my H, but not in the way you meant.

 

When we had The Talk, he insisted that he was happily M, and had no intention of leaving. And I think he genuinely thought that all Ms were, below the surface, as toxic as his own - that that was just the bed you made and you must lie in it, when you get M.

 

But the A showed him that not all Rs were like that. Over the years he realised that not all Rs become toxic over time, and that it was not inevitable for people to start taking each other for granted and treating each other badly in a R. And so he was obliged to recognise that his M was, in fact, abusive, and that it wasn't doing himself or the kids any favours to hang in there. So he went to IC, and the rest is history.

 

Without the A, he'd have tried to stick it out - but his depression would no doubt have gotten worse, and he'd have been hospitalised at the very least. Perhaps the xW may have found another OM and gone off with him, too - or perhaps her drinking would have escalated and put her in hospital, IDK. Either way, it was unsustainable as a M, but at least this way no blood was shed.

 

This was my affair partner's experience as well. Our A showed him what it's like to be loved by someone who is not emotionally absuive.

 

For me (also married), it's some of both. There were so many things I didn't realize I was putting up with - because I loved my ex-husband because he's a good and charismatic person, I wasn't able to see how careless he was towards me, until I had someone who was not that way. On the other hand, a year after our divorce, there are certainly many wonderful things I miss about him and some things I recognize that I took for granted.

 

But all in all, I think my AP and I are much better suited for each other than were our previous spouses. That doesn't make the process right of course, and we will never quite forgive ourselves for hurting the people we cared about. And I do recognize that this is a relatively rare and unlikely outcome.

  • Like 2
Lilyana76 Established Member

Lilyana76

Posted
Posted

When my ex husband cheated on me I don't think he thought about his marriage or family at all... at least not until after I left and took the kids with me.

 

After I left he realized he hurt not only me, but the kids as well. He realized how good he had it, and even told me it was the biggest mistake he made in is life. He even tried to talk me into having my own affair and just stay with him, because "he deserved it".... messed up.

 

It made no difference what he felt after I made the decision to divorce. I was done, 3 affairs and I don't even know how many random hookups later... I needed out.

  • Like 4
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted

It depends on the situation...I had my A as an exit A, I never thought we'd reconcile. My marriage wasn't good & we both had A. During reconciliation we both realized that we owed our promise to each other to actively "try" together & 9 years later it was the best decision for us as a couple. Do I think it was some huge realization of "what we had" no, it was more of realizing we loved each other & even if our marriage didn't make it we would both have to change for the better in a new relationship...so we worked on ourselves & in turn made us a better couple.

  • Like 1
mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

I guess it's a huge price to understand the basics of a healthy relationship. Even though it makes WS realize this , the rebuilding of trust that comes a given , is hardest thing to regain.

 

This is a reason why a MM rarely leaves wife.

  • Like 1
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I'm sure it happens.

 

And I'm sure there are others who are unhappily married but for whatever reason, haven't left.

 

Yeah, I think you're probably right. It's not always one or the other. It could be one or it could be the other.

 

 

This came up because I have a friend who was having an affair with a MM and she kicked me to the curb as a friend because I was telling her to stop the affair.

 

 

Now, 3 years later, she wants to come back as a friend because her affair is coming to an end and I'm sure he (the MM) let her down and she let a long-time friend go for nothing.

 

 

Welp, I'm a BF - Betrayed Friend.

Edited by Popsicle
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
This was my affair partner's experience as well. Our A showed him what it's like to be loved by someone who is not emotionally absuive.

 

For me (also married), it's some of both. There were so many things I didn't realize I was putting up with - because I loved my ex-husband because he's a good and charismatic person, I wasn't able to see how careless he was towards me, until I had someone who was not that way. On the other hand, a year after our divorce, there are certainly many wonderful things I miss about him and some things I recognize that I took for granted.

 

But all in all, I think my AP and I are much better suited for each other than were our previous spouses. That doesn't make the process right of course, and we will never quite forgive ourselves for hurting the people we cared about. And I do recognize that this is a relatively rare and unlikely outcome.

 

Likewise my sister and her affair. She already knew that her husband was an arsehat, but the affair confirmed just how bad it was.

 

I supported her affair 100%. She left her husband and married the new guy. That was a long time ago now and they are still happy.

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