Halen1988 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 (edited) I'm 29 years old..I've had quite possibly the worst luck with dating. Lately I've been women that are easily offended by me. I'm a very down to Earth guy and I can talk to anyone about anything. I don't have a filter either. I don't have any patience for games or drama. About a couple months ago I met someone. She seemed really cool. I had a friend that had to cancel on a concert with me. I asked another friend and he couldn't go. So I invited her. We hadn't gone out yet. This was before our plans that were set to go out. She was excited. She said, "Well..wait I thought your friend was going?" I said, "Yeah..he bailed and another friend couldn't go..so it would be cool if you came." She said, "Oh..it's just me..Sarah..the girl from the gas station..nobody that important I guess...but wgatever..this isn't the first time.. sure would love to go..what time?" I was floored. I said, "Forget it." A few weeks ago I was talking to a girl at the gym. She seemed really pleasant. She mentioned she was a musician and played piano, guitar, and bass. I was amazed. I asked said, "No $hit?! What kind of music do you like?" I was thinking she would tell me..Led Zeppelin..Billy Joel..White Stripes..ya' know. She told me she liked Taylor Swift and a bunch of other pop singers..which surprised me. I said, "Oh ok..that's a little surprising." She looked at me and said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well I was expecting to hear..Led Zeppelin..The Beatles..Billy Joel...ya' know..that's cool, though." She gave me a serious look and asked, "What does my music suck?" I wanted to say yes (lol) but I said, "No?..." She said, "Whatever..your music probably sucks, too." And walked off. I was floored. To top it off I met a girl online a few days ago. She seemed very nice and we had some good conversations. We made plans to go out tonight a couple nights ago. She set the date. Couple nights ago we had some small talk going and she mentioned she went to a college prep school. In part of the conversation I said, "I bet you were a big book worm in high school." Jokingly. She didn't respond. So I reached out to her last night to confirm the time for tonight. She said, "No..It's not a good idea..I don't think you want to meet a book worm." I was thinking, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! How hard is it? "Omg..I was such a nerd in high school..it's funny..i'll tell you more Tuesday."..but instead she gets offended by that? I didn't respond. I'm at a loss for women in my generation. I feel like I can't have an intelligent, witty, flirty conversation with these women without them getting offended. I feel like I just need to laugh, smile, and say "Yep." Just act stupid. Has anyone in my age group 20-30s dealt with this before? Edited April 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
basil67 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 You say that you don't have a filter. Well, let me tell you that having a filter is a basic social skill. And it's quite possible to be intelligent, witty and flirty while still thinking before you engage your mouth. Girl one: there was really no need to tell her that she was third choice. How insulting for her. Girl two: Why couldn't you have simply said "ok cool" when she told you she liked Taylor Swift? You could then have asked more about the genres she likes instead of talking about what you think. Girl three: I'm not sure what happened there, but I guess she didn't know you were trying to be witty. Though I do think it's better to ask a question of someone you've just met rather than make an assumption. 16
Dis Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 You said yourself that sometimes you dont have a filter With the girl at the gym, I have to say you sounded a little judgmental and ya...kind of insensitive If all these women are getting put off....guess who is the common denominator???? The general tone of your post seems kind of...blunt Maybe you should try to aquire a little bit of a filter until you get to know a woman better Best foot forward 1
Author Halen1988 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 You say that you don't have a filter. Well, let me tell you that having a filter is a basic social skill. And it's quite possible to be intelligent, witty and flirty while still thinking before you engage your mouth. Girl one: there was really no need to tell her that she was third choice. How insulting for her. Girl two: Why couldn't you have simply said "ok cool" when she told you she liked Taylor Swift? You could then have asked more about the genres she likes instead of talking about what you think. Girl three: I'm not sure what happened there, but I guess she didn't know you were trying to be witty. Though I do think it's better to ask a question of someone you've just met rather than make an assumption. I don't understand why the first one would get offended when I asked another close friend when we already had plans for the future. We hadn't gone out yet.
Techmonkey Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 I don't understand why the first one would get offended when I asked another close friend when we already had plans for the future. We hadn't gone out yet. No one wants to be third choice. That's not a gender thing. 9
Almond_Joy Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 I don't understand why the first one would get offended when I asked another close friend when we already had plans for the future. We hadn't gone out yet. Yeah man. With girl one it sounded like "oh I couldn't get someone else to go with me so I guess I'll invite you." Maybe you can focus on asking more about the girl when chatting instead of just spouting off whatever comes to mind? Nothing you're saying sounds downright insulting, bit these are all people you don't know, that you're trying to get to know, and it's really early in the dating. These girls don't know you very well and it is easy when you're interested in someone to interpret bluntness as maliciousness (not that that's right, in my experience that's just what happens a lot of the time). I think it works out better if you focus more on having the person share about themselves, and then offer your opinion when it's asked. If the girl never asks your opinion on stuff she's probably not really interested in getting to know you anyway.
preraph Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 The last two, you just didn't waste any time insulting them. Jeez, if you are thinking something negative, you have the option to just lose interest in the person WITHOUT insulting them and hurting their feelings. You have zero tact. If you think "the truth" is always a good thing, then I'm telling you that your truth isn't everyone else's and so far it's not working for you. You just have an opinion or a preference. When theirs is different, why do you have to be mean about it? Why not just be nice but then in your head write them off as anyone you care about or whatever. And while we're at it, I'm going to do exactly what you did to show you what it's like, and this is the truth: I almost threw up when you used "Led Zeppelin" and "Billy Joel" in the same sentence. Even Taylor Swift is better than sorgumy schlocky Billy Joel, and LZ are iconic. 2
Shining One Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 You're going to have to develop a filter, at least around women. In general, women are more easily offended than men, which is something you need to keep in mind. Years ago, I had put on a bit of weight after my first knee surgery. A friend at work grabbed a handful of my stomach fat and said, "Getting a little pouch here, aren't ya?" I wasn't offended by her gesture and comment. I responded by doing the same to her and said "I'd say we're about the same." She ran off nearly in tears and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day.
mikeylo Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Dude, they are putting you in your place. The way you handle them is the way they are responding. Don't dish out what you can't take. 3
MountainGirl111 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 (edited) If you really dig your own music that you make, who really cares what anyone else thinks? I mean, really? What if you love music that is more off the beaten path and even by artists not a lot of folks have heard of? If you believe in what you are doing yourself, who cares? Be different. Be original. If a guy was TRULY interested in me and I said I am into music by "Gertrude Dimplewinker", he'd be intrigued, so it's no big deal. They either dig ya or they don't. They either want to kiss you or they don't even if you had pizza sauce smeared all over your lips. As to being "third choice": Oh well. Do you know how many people get together and have good relationships sort of by accident? You may start out as a "default date", but that very same date, if you were to allow yourself to see what happens could turn into something more. Edited April 26, 2017 by MountainGirl111
basil67 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 I almost threw up when you used "Led Zeppelin" and "Billy Joel" in the same sentence. Even Taylor Swift is better than sorgumy schlocky Billy Joel, and LZ are iconic. Yep. I liked Billy Joel when I was 15.
GemmaUK Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 It's always best not to put people down if you want to date them or get to know them better. 3
Sara1989 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 You know what you are doing wrong. These girls do not know you so why would they get your sense of humour? You sound quite bitchy actually in some of the remarks you made, I would next you too. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Yep. I liked Billy Joel when I was 15. i still like billy joel .....piano man....classic...and yep ...smilin...cant beat uptown girl......im a retro and proud..... i dont knwo how being called a bookworm is a bad thing...i see a little book worm snuggled up with a book and i think cool......i think its a compliment.... i just think you shoudl go with gettign to knwo a girl before trying humor...they dotn know you well enough....to understand when you are lightly teasing or playing...so get to knwo them first and find out what they like and why...no polarizing opinions........good luck.......deb
elaine567 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Develop some charm. Try to make people feel genuinely good about themselves instead of making them go on the defensive. Put downs only work on the vulnerable and the desperate, the wounded animals, other women will not put up with it from a stranger. I am not saying you need to go all sugary sweet either as that is just as much of a turn off, but there is a happy medium. 1
gaius Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 I would have ditched guy friends to take my girlfriend to that concert naturally, because I was extremely attracted to her. I wanted to be around her. That's generally how it works when you're attracted to a woman. If you're inviting a long line of sausage first and using a woman as a last resort maybe they aren't really your thing. And they can sense it.
Chilli Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 This is a crack up , sorry man. But hey , wanna come to a concert, no one else will come so l'll have to ask you ,fk it. 1
The_Thall_Man Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 (edited) <snip> She looked at me and said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well I was expecting to hear..Led Zeppelin..The Beatles..Billy Joel...ya' know..that's cool, though." She gave me a serious look and asked, "What does my music suck?" I wanted to say yes (lol) but I said, "No?..." She said, "Whatever..your music probably sucks, too." And walked off. I was floored. To top it off I met a girl online a few days ago. She seemed very nice and we had some good conversations. We made plans to go out tonight a couple nights ago. She set the date. Couple nights ago we had some small talk going and she mentioned she went to a college prep school. In part of the conversation I said, "I bet you were a big book worm in high school." Jokingly. She didn't respond. So I reached out to her last night to confirm the time for tonight. She said, "No..It's not a good idea..I don't think you want to meet a book worm." I was thinking, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! How hard is it? "Omg..I was such a nerd in high school..it's funny..i'll tell you more Tuesday."..but instead she gets offended by that? I didn't respond. I'm at a loss for women in my generation. I feel like I can't have an intelligent, witty, flirty conversation with these women without them getting offended. I feel like I just need to laugh, smile, and say "Yep." Just act stupid. Has anyone in my age group 20-30s dealt with this before? Why do you got to be into a bunch of outdated classic stuff? Why does she have to be into a bunch of schlock modern stuff? Why can't you both be into some great modern music? See, I sound like both of you. Incompatible. I wouldn't date either of you. Unpopular opinion: Maybe you're both wrong. Edited April 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate full quote of opening post
JuneL Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Poor Sarah I thought she was trying to be nice and still accepted the invitation even after learning she was your third choice, but it was a little rude of you to respond with "Forget it"! As for the the situation with the gym girl, your response was a little offensive. Others can easily say that anything short of the level of Beethoven or Mozart is poor-quality music. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 No one wants to know they weren't first choice to get invited to something. You don't need to overshare. Just say you got some concert tickets and invite her. And acting uppity because someone in your generation prefers the music of your generation to the stuff from 40 years ago... well you can say stuff like that if you're dating someone but not when you just meet them. Develop a filter, you aren't Sheldon Cooper. 3
tetrahedral Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 It's less that people are easily offended, and more that you are being rude to people. If you're super hot, foreign and unaware of customs, an idiot savant like Sheldon Cooper, etc... people will put up with some rudeness. But if you're gonna be a dick you need to back it up. "No filter" is like "eccentric". Ever hear a poor guy get described "eccentric"? Nah if you're poor you're just crazy. But if you're weird and successful it becomes a good thing. Same with Mark Zuckerberg and his hoodies, or Steve Jobs and his turtlenecks. When Zuckerberg wears the same hoodie every day, it's edgy and efficient. If you do it, you're a slob. It is good to speak your mind at the right times, but do revisit the assumption that having "no filter" is a good thing.
The_Thall_Man Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 It is good to speak your mind at the right times, but do revisit the assumption that having "no filter" is a good thing. I dunno. It's 2017, maybe he's on his way to being the next president. It's weird times we live in. I don’t even feel outspoken anymore.
Larryville Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 If all these women are getting put off....guess who is the common denominator???? I can't say what I wish I could say, I don't want to be slapped with a ruler by the wardens But this is where we are in society these days. Someone who treats women like crap and even worse lacks the social skills to even know better. Any man who has tried or is currently OLD is effected by this. Guys who are confused by women are are seemingly put off by guys but these women have to deal with so much of this that they get conditioned to think at all dudes are like that. Kinda sad really. Learning to treat people with basic respect is a behavior formed in early in childhood... I'll just leave it at that
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Halen Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth. Before you say ANYTHING think about how it will be received. As others have pointed out, you made the first girl feel like the 3rd choice. You insulted the 2nd girl's choice of music and you outright insulted the 3rd girl. Not the best way to score a date. Instead count to 10 inside your own head before you speak & then frame whatever it is the kindest was possible. In these instances you would have been more successful if you just * asked the 1st girl without mentioning that you had asked other people * expressed a preference for "your" music been the offered to compare notes * simply praised her intelligence
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