Question about dating, sex, and relationships.

[hossred]

*Might be long. Included details and explanations. Note that I'm just speaking in general terms, for when I DO like someone, and try to escalate into a relationship. Not that this is all a big game, or I'm desperate for a relationship with anyone. Not at all.

 

New guy here with a question regarding an area I’m struggling with. Let me preface by saying I have no issues attracting women: getting them super interested , sweeping them off their feet, crazy excited around me, etc. The problem is keeping them interested over the long term (relationship), and escalating into sex. I have this sort of imbedded belief going on, where you have to develop a super strong connection and pretty much act like you’re together before you have sex and enter into a relationship. Something tells me this is backwards, and not the way things actually work. In the real world, you date and have sex THEN proceed into a relationship. It’s almost like I want assurance that this is the real deal, and not just sexual. But when we don’t have sex, as a result of my stupid beliefs, no relationship ever happens. We just remain stuck in a limbo until we get so attached and break things off and become heart-broken. Lol.

 

Part of the problem is the fact that women seem to only show interest in sex- even after we develop a strong connection, everything seems to be heading towards a relationship, etc. I get bugged out and become uncertain and anxious and drop the ball, because I’m already so invested. They are attached, as well. But it doesn’t seem like it goes beyond the more than friends, dating without the physical, in way too deep and so screwed phase. Like, I worry that all they want after all this time is sex. While at the same time, I don’t want to have sex without all the relationship stuff too. So, something is not right, here. The two are conflicting big time.

 

By the way I am and act, and how I attract women, leads them to just want sex (or so I presume; I might not be knowledgeable enough about how the process works, and how they expect things to go). There’s a lot of sparks, infatuation, seduction, flirting, touching, compliments, smiling, laughing, eye-locking, etc. Plus twirling of hair, being fidgety, soft and nervous, acting girly and vulnerable, getting real close, on cloud 9, anticipation, wanting to be around me, trying to get my attention, light slapping, etc. So, high attraction. The signs are all there. Definite sexual attraction and interest, by how we interact with each other and the things I say and do with them. Mostly focusing on them, and asking a lot of personal questions, and flirting, and showing interest, etc. They want to be around me; feel safe and excited, turned on and comfortable.

 

Being that I’m focused more on a relationship, I kind of steer things in that path before having sex, and that seems to screw things up over time (since I never have sex, or escalate, or reciprocate, and bail out of fear). They never lose interest until way later; like after we’re already in a relationship (of pretend). But I never escalate out of some kind of fear, which actually produces the same results I’m trying to avoid (no relationship).

 

At the same time, they never seem to push for any kind of relationship, and I seem to be waiting for that to happen. But they might be, too- then going ahead with it when I steer things that way. I don't know. I'm confused.

 

Even if we develop a strong emotional connection, hang around each other, flirt and seduce and touch, etc; the route always seems to be sexual in nature, on top of all those things: being close and friends to an extent. But there's a lot of scarcity, I guess game, and knowledge that we aren't just friends. The underlying tone is always sexual with high attraction after a little while. You can feel it.

When I show interest and steer things in a relationship path, they are definitely up for sex. So knowing what I want, how things have been, and where they seem to be heading, is that just part of the relationship piece for them? ‘Cause they never say anything. They just get horny and seductive and super interested, come around and give me every sign possible; waiting for me to escalate physically. But I never do, ‘cause of the same fear. I’m almost too comfortable and not risky in my head and beliefs. But not boring and unable to attract them. I just can’t seem to make the jump, even when they push for it.

 

Are things just supposed to be evolve naturally – including sex – without saying anything about it, or trying to define things? Is this how the process works? Or do they just want sex. Or am I way over-analyzing and over-thinking, and screwing my chances up every single time as a result?

 

As good as things are, it seems like there’s not a lot of connection building unless I initiate. They come to me to get me to initiate- then respond, reciprocate, etc. They’re definitely excited, open, etc, but I seem to have to make it that way- by how our interaction goes. Almost like I have to work for it, and chase them- while they decide.

 

So, that’s another way I never know what they want, or what’s going on. Which causes anxiety and uncertainty, and nothing fully develops as a result. I can’t read minds, or the situation, and end up staying stuck in the same situation until one of us gets tired of the confusion and leaves for good. Lol. With a nice, strong attachment and recovery process afterwards. All while they keep pushing for sex and trying to turn things physical- while I remain emotionally connected forever.

 

I think sex is a big part of connecting for women (and I want that, too), and I’m messing things up with an unfounded fear by not escalating. Besides, you can’t have a relationship without the physical. And women like the uncertainty, of not knowing or having everything defined and laid out; to have things happen and be spontaneous and unpredictable.

 

Appreciate any insights you guys have on this issue.

Edited April 25, 2017 by hossred

[spiderowl]

Interesting! From the sound of it you are a very attractive guy. Lots of guys would be dying to be in your position, having a choice of attractive women to have sex with.

 

However, I have not missed the point of your posting. It seems you are suffering from the same thing that many pretty women suffer from. Guys show a great deal of interest, are keen to escalate towards sex, but do not seem to be thinking in terms of a relationship. Basically, they are drawn like moths to a flame. It does not mean there is any depth in what they are doing.

 

It seems what you are doing is trying to weed out those who are only in it for sex. You want to know you mean something to a girl - and of course it is hugely important to you. With the right girl, you will need to escalate things to sex within a reasonable amount of time - say a few dates - otherwise she is going to assume you are not physically attracted to her. She may also wonder if you are attracted to women at all. It is hard for people to understand that a guy/girl who is extremely attracted will not be looking for sex with other attractive guys/girls.

 

So, to weed them out, focus on a girl's personality. Is she kind, fun, does she show understanding and empathy? If so, then court her, make her feel attractive, kiss her, tell her how much you want her (without pressuring her). Build the sexual attraction whilst at the same time paying attention to personality. I think you could be confusing women by trying to build a long relationship first. It is possible to do that, of course, but some women might think you have friendzoned them. There must be a balance here between treating them as friends for a long time and showing them you find them sexually attractive too.

 

It is also possible that, being an attractive guy, you are focusing on very attractive women. They may rely on their looks to get a guy and may even be quite shallow, though obviously not every attractive woman is shallow. Pay attention to the kind of women you are spending your time with. You might find that someone less physically attractive has a more interesting personality and might take you more seriously. Pretty women are used to being hit on and tend to assume that every guy just wants them in bed. In fact, those same women may assume you are a player who only wants casual sex and therefore they daren't get emotionally attached to you. They may be playing it cool and keeping their feelings under wraps.

[lawgirl79]

I agree with spiderowl as far as continuing to show her affection, etc. I feel like I am involved with a man that is actually doing this to me and I am so confused as to where we are going, I like him but he is very hard to read because one miniute its sexual, the next not. That being said, I suggest you just tell her the situtation you are in/how you feel about sex and relationships. If she cares about you, she will understand and be open with you about where she stands. If not, then she will move on and she wasnt the right one for you anyway. I know I would want to be told that way I can make an informed decision and not be left in the dark.

[Gaeta]

 

Are things just supposed to be evolve naturally – including sex – without saying anything about it, or trying to define things? Is this how the process works? Or do they just want sex. Or am I way over-analyzing and over-thinking, and screwing my chances up every single time as a result?

 

No, it's does not evolve like this anymore. Maybe in 1939 but not in 2017 and it has not been evolving naturally for a long time. When you meet someone after a couple of dates you need to establish what you are looking for. You are looking for someone interested in a meaningful long term relationship. It might be her, might not be her, but at least you and her are aiming at the same goal: long term.

 

If you are out there and you just want to have fun it's the same principal, you tell the person you are not interested in dating long term and are just looking for casual.

 

This is how you filter the people you date.

 

If you want to wait for an official relationship before having sex than say so. Own who you are and be proud of it. Right now it sounds like you're hiding your game in the hope the woman you're dating is hiding the same game as you. It does not work that way unless you have 10 years to waste searching for a woman.

 

Sex will come, and it needs to come eventually in a relationship. It's a gamble you'll have to take at some point in a relationship. If she stays then she stays and if she leaves it's life. No pain, no gain. No one found a great love by standing by on the sidewalk without ever taking chances. You need to jump in with your better judgement and let life happen.

[Chilli]

Bloody hell, you sure got some lists there buddy anyone as specific as you shouldn't have any problem explaining the way he wants things to be.

 

But man for one,you don't act sexual or acknoledge too many sexual flirts from them or or whatever, if you don't plan on doing something about it. And even then only the one you wanna do something about it with.

Anyone else is just part of the group or a so so friend or acquaintance , so that's a friend thing not a sexually flirting thing.

Believe me l use to have to be very careful of that and the difference back in my partying days. Even one eye contact if she's been staring at you is almost like an invite so if your not interested in her in that way, well.

So for a start , you gotta watch all that sh@t.

 

And then, if you do meet someone you do wanna see more of , again , take it easy on all of the above and focus more on talking and getting to know each other and when the times right and you think you wanna see more of each other then talk to her about your views and ideas on the sexual side of things .

lf she's for real then that shouldn't matter. We have to wait if she wants to wait well , same vise verse .

Edited April 26, 2017 by Chilli

[smackie9]

It's call confidence.......stop over thinking, and just go for it and not care about anything.

[lawgirl79]

Just curious but have you been in any other longterm relationships? If so, how did you get to that point?

[Miss Spider]

No offense, but reading this was almost like a window into how a lot of men must feel when women strategically withhold sex. So much concern about it... to a pathological extent. I totally think it should evolve naturally. Have it when you want it/are ready. And for you, that might not be until you are in a committed, exclusive relationship and that is ok! but can't really blame others for thinking you might be overthinking it/have hang ups with it/might be a red flag in the future. They're just not for you. Plenty of women want to wait. But most want to feel sexually desired...

Edited April 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[lawgirl79]

Plenty of women want to wait. But most want to feel sexually desired...

 

 

I agree that plenty of women do want to wait or are willing to wait but I dont think that it is implied now a days and should be stated by the party that wants a relatioship first. Otherwise, you may lose a woman that is willing to wait because she is getting conflicted vibes with the sexual advances but not having sex, etc.