SensitiveTJ Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 So, a little background. I've recently started seeing a woman who I feel strongly about and I regard as a very promising match. It's been about 3 months and things have moved quickly. We're both mid-30's, professionals, and know what we are looking for. We have a great attraction and enjoy our time together. Lately, I've been confronted with just a single problem that nonetheless pushes a lot of buttons and has been occupying some space in my mind, so I came here to Loveshack to vent. I feel like she tends to overshare details about her sexual history. I have always followed the "don't kiss and tell" rule. I prefer to have minimal discussion about past relationships generally, and I definitely don't think it's appropriate to bring up the details of sex with other people when you're with someone. I don't ask people for any info about what they've done in the past; I really don't want to know. I prefer to live in the moment, and while it might be your past, if you bring it up in conversation it has become my present. There have been a couple instances where she has said some things that I really wish had not been mentioned. We were out for a drive in the car a while back and out of the blue she wanted to have a conversation about what age we lost our virginity. I "plead the fifth" so to speak and tried to change the subject. Then she asked me point-blank how many people I had slept with-I politely declined to answer. She asked if I wanted to know how many people she has been with-I told her no, thank you, absolutely not. More recently, we were chatting about new stuff we wanted to try in the bedroom. I brought up a certain activity, and her response was "Oh yeah, I've done that before with (insert some random name)." Needless to say, I am no longer very interested in said activities. These are just two examples, there have been a few more. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm totally aware that we are mid-30s, we've been around the block. If anything, I would bet that I am more experienced. But the difference is I don't talk about it. I feel like it's very immature and emotionally insensitive to blurt these things out in conversation, and it's kind of a big turnoff to be honest. I don't feel like I need to explain why it's a bit insulting to bring up past sex experiences completely unasked for with your current partner, but apparently not everyone is on the same page with that. I feel like this is a difficult space to be in, because there's really no way to un-learn a piece of information someone has chosen to share with you. I'm not sure how to have a productive dialogue about this; I really can't see what a good outcome is. I mean, the damage has already been done. I'm not sure how I can enjoy our time together if there's always the possibility of her dropping a story about long-ago sexual exploits that I really have no interest in. I dunno. It seems we may have just have a different filter about what you should share with partners. What do you all think? 3
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 More recently, we were chatting about new stuff we wanted to try in the bedroom. I brought up a certain activity, and her response was "Oh yeah, I've done that before with (insert some random name)." Needless to say, I am no longer very interested in said activities. LMAO. Just tell her not to mention her past lovers anymore. Tell her it bothers you. 3
Author SensitiveTJ Posted April 25, 2017 Author Posted April 25, 2017 LMAO. Just tell her not to mention her past lovers anymore. Tell her it bothers you. That's the most direct way, I suppose. I feel as though I've made my stance on this pretty clear though. I've said more than once that I don't really believe in discussing past relationships in detail, particularly intimate detail. I guess it kinda bothers me because I feel like it's something that shouldn't really need to be brought up-it's not something I would ever even dream of conversing about. It's just hard to be fully "present" now that I'm picturing her doing xyz with someone else. I'd prefer not to know such things, haha. 1
grays Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I dont think i could be with someone who was unwilling to tell me all about themselves, including their sexual history. I want to feel like i know my partner and find out what makes them tick. And id want them to be interested in my life. You guys have different filters, but hers is not wrong. 3
Jj66 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 We are very open in our conversations on the subject. We don't know each other's numbers but we do have a general idea of the other's sexual history, especially recent history. We do know at what age the other had sex for the first time. We generally don't mention names, though. That is almost always a needless detail.
Author SensitiveTJ Posted April 25, 2017 Author Posted April 25, 2017 I dont think i could be with someone who was unwilling to tell me all about themselves, including their sexual history. I want to feel like i know my partner and find out what makes them tick. And id want them to be interested in my life. You guys have different filters, but hers is not wrong. I certainly wouldn't say it's "wrong" either, but we're definitely not on the same page about it. I do think it's insensitive to share things like this without being asked, especially in detail. I don't want to think about my partner being with other people.
kendahke Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) So, a little background. I've recently started seeing a woman who I feel strongly about and I regard as a very promising match. It's been about 3 months and things have moved quickly. We're both mid-30's, professionals, and know what we are looking for. We have a great attraction and enjoy our time together. Lately, I've been confronted with just a single problem that nonetheless pushes a lot of buttons and has been occupying some space in my mind, so I came here to Loveshack to vent. I feel like she tends to overshare details about her sexual history. I have always followed the "don't kiss and tell" rule. I prefer to have minimal discussion about past relationships generally, and I definitely don't think it's appropriate to bring up the details of sex with other people when you're with someone. I don't ask people for any info about what they've done in the past; I really don't want to know. I prefer to live in the moment, and while it might be your past, if you bring it up in conversation it has become my present. There have been a couple instances where she has said some things that I really wish had not been mentioned. We were out for a drive in the car a while back and out of the blue she wanted to have a conversation about what age we lost our virginity. I "plead the fifth" so to speak and tried to change the subject. Then she asked me point-blank how many people I had slept with-I politely declined to answer. She asked if I wanted to know how many people she has been with-I told her no, thank you, absolutely not. More recently, we were chatting about new stuff we wanted to try in the bedroom. I brought up a certain activity, and her response was "Oh yeah, I've done that before with (insert some random name)." Needless to say, I am no longer very interested in said activities. These are just two examples, there have been a few more. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm totally aware that we are mid-30s, we've been around the block. If anything, I would bet that I am more experienced. But the difference is I don't talk about it. I feel like it's very immature and emotionally insensitive to blurt these things out in conversation, and it's kind of a big turnoff to be honest. I don't feel like I need to explain why it's a bit insulting to bring up past sex experiences completely unasked for with your current partner, but apparently not everyone is on the same page with that. I feel like this is a difficult space to be in, because there's really no way to un-learn a piece of information someone has chosen to share with you. I'm not sure how to have a productive dialogue about this; I really can't see what a good outcome is. I mean, the damage has already been done. I'm not sure how I can enjoy our time together if there's always the possibility of her dropping a story about long-ago sexual exploits that I really have no interest in. I dunno. It seems we may have just have a different filter about what you should share with partners. What do you all think? You are going to have to be as blunt as she is when she's saying this stuff to you. She may be one of those kinds of people who likes to rub your face in it to make you jealous. or She may just be clueless in this regard---or she's treating you like a girlfriend, with whom she'd share this kind of information. Edited April 25, 2017 by kendahke 1
Author SensitiveTJ Posted April 25, 2017 Author Posted April 25, 2017 You are going to have to be as blunt as she is when she's saying this stuff to you. She may be one of those kinds of people who likes to rub your face in it to make you jealous. or She may just be clueless in this regard---or she's treating you like a girlfriend, with whom she'd share this kind of information. She's definitely clueless, which makes it even more aggravating, to be honest. I just feel that someone in their 30s would have a bit more common sense. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 While I don't go into as much detail as her, I want to know everything about my partner and am prepared to share everything too. I would be put off by someone like you who has "past is the past" attitude. I also don't get jealous over exes unless they are still a strong presence in their life. I want to know names and share names too (including looking them up together). To me, that is real closeness with no barriers.
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 She talks about intimate details about sex and her exploits because she LIKES to....you don't, so that being said, you two are not compatible. it's no different than being with a smoker and you find it disgusting....you stop seeing each other. It's called a dealbreaker. 3
Titanll Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 She's definitely clueless, which makes it even more aggravating, to be honest. I just feel that someone in their 30s would have a bit more common sense. Hey, you're the one dating her haha! I experienced this once and it was a total turn off. I mean, I saw the end when she started telling about all the things that she liked and asked if I had tried this or that. Seriously, we all want to feel like we are the only ones even though we know that we all have a history. Talking about things a certain way cheapens it for me. If I hear another guy's name...****! I'm out. A talk with her about it couldn't hurt and she may get the message. Good luck. 2
preraph Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I've certainly been around people (and probably been guilty myself) of oversharing stuff like this because I assumed the other person wouldn't care since it has nothing to do with them or the present. But I would just say that if either of you is jealous or timid about such things, then you need to just speak up and say, Hey, I'm not that comfortable talking about sex, if you don't mind." 1
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I've certainly been around people (and probably been guilty myself) of oversharing stuff like this because I assumed the other person wouldn't care since it has nothing to do with them or the present. But I would just say that if either of you is jealous or timid about such things, then you need to just speak up and say, Hey, I'm not that comfortable talking about sex, if you don't mind." He already did a few times but the message isn't getting through. 1
Titanll Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I've certainly been around people (and probably been guilty myself) of oversharing stuff like this because I assumed the other person wouldn't care since it has nothing to do with them or the present. But I would just say that if either of you is jealous or timid about such things, then you need to just speak up and say, Hey, I'm not that comfortable talking about sex, if you don't mind." I'm not sure if he's jealous, timid or uncomfortable talking about sex. I gather that he's not any of the above. Bringing up past sexual experiences is not cool in my book. We all have had them but I do not want to hear about them from someone that I care about. I would prefer to live in a dreamland where I am her one and only lover forever and ever haha!
kendahke Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 She's definitely clueless, which makes it even more aggravating, to be honest. I just feel that someone in their 30s would have a bit more common sense. So you haven't been blunt enough with her to tell her "HEY! I said I don't like discussing your past exploits with named participants. Would you please stop?!" Seriously, everyone can pretty much assume that once one is over 25, they've by and large have had some level of sexual experience and have come to like certain things. Of course, there are exceptions, but she doesn't fall into that category, obviously. This can be talked about in a very broad sense without naming the individual and explicitly describing why you liked what they did. There have been a couple instances where she has said some things that I really wish had not been mentioned. We were out for a drive in the car a while back and out of the blue she wanted to have a conversation about what age we lost our virginity. I "plead the fifth" so to speak and tried to change the subject. Then she asked me point-blank how many people I had slept with-I politely declined to answer. She asked if I wanted to know how many people she has been with-I told her no, thank you, absolutely not. More recently, we were chatting about new stuff we wanted to try in the bedroom. I brought up a certain activity, and her response was "Oh yeah, I've done that before with (insert some random name)." Needless to say, I am no longer very interested in said activities. These are just two examples, there have been a few more. I've said more than once that I don't really believe in discussing past relationships in detail, particularly intimate detail. I don't think she's clueless at all. Not at her age. The fact that you've repeatedly had to hint at her to tell her to shut it means that on some level, she enjoys making you squirm and that's not good. Instead of stopping, she goes hard in the paint. That's mean and it speaks to a cruel streak in her. You need to decide if that's worth putting up with. You've done all you can do: you've let her know you don't wish to have this kind of conversation with her. The rest is up to her whether or not she feels your feelings are worth her respecting them--because right now as it stands, she doesn't. 4
Leigh 87 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I used to be your gf. My bf is old fashioned and asked me to please stop. So I did. I felt bad and apologised, as I really had no idea how damaging it was. 1
Mkn1010 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I personally think she sounds immature, clueless OR insecure! Anytime a guy would ask for details about past lovers or hint at theirs, it's a clear signal that they want to play some comparison game (INSECURITY about how they rate in your life's history of sexual partners). And why are you dating someone that can't pick up on very CLEAR signals you've given her that your preference is to not divulge that information? Sounds like she lacks basic perception skills :/ Just my two cents.
preraph Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 He already did a few times but the message isn't getting through. Then he needs to stop her right when she starts doing it and say, Hey, I asked you before not to talk about this stuff with me." If she can't respect that, she' has no boundaries and isn't for him 1
Titanll Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I used to be your gf. My bf is old fashioned and asked me to please stop. So I did. I felt bad and apologised, as I really had no idea how damaging it was. Old fashioned is one thing. OP's girl talking about her sexual past and dropping dude's names is another. I'm not old fashioned...I can probably tear a lot of your poor tender ears a new one but if I'm hearing about what chicky did with (insert name), noooo! Do not want to hear that noise... I mean, imagine you are being intimate with your SO and hearing him moaning Kathy or something...if your name is Leigh haha! Instant bone kill, right? Not that you have a...nevermind. To me it isn't that much of a stretch from one to the other. 2
OatsAndHall Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I am also very conservative when it comes to those kinds of discussions. I guess you're going to have to be blunt about it. I dated a woman in college who over-shared and sent a lot of texts filled with sexually explicit innuendoes. I asked her to stop and she didn't. I asked her a second time to stop and... SHE DIDN'T. So, I finally told her that I was losing respect for her because of her behavior. That sunk home.. 1
RecentChange Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I am not conservative, and speak freely about sex. But there are somethings that should never be said out of common curtisy, where is the tact!? Instead of saying "oh yeah Ryan and I did that" it would be more tactful to say "yes I would love to do that with you!" Or "mmm one of my favorites, yes!" Unless it's two virgins, of course there will be some history, it's best to now be in the moment and let your lover know that he is the only one in your thoughts, not escapades with old beaus. 1
Titanll Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I am also very conservative when it comes to those kinds of discussions. I guess you're going to have to be blunt about it. I dated a woman in college who over-shared and sent a lot of texts filled with sexually explicit innuendoes. I asked her to stop and she didn't. I asked her a second time to stop and... SHE DIDN'T. So, I finally told her that I was losing respect for her because of her behavior. That sunk home.. I sincerely hope that my phone is never near you oats! I'm not certain but I think OP's problem isn't the same. I'm comfortable with "porn star" texts! Innuendos be damned. I think OP has an issue with hearing about his girl's past and especially having the mental image of her getting jiggy with an ex. If that's the case, he and I are on the same page. Question for you at the risk of hijacking. Did you and Ms. Sexy Text have sex? If not, cool...if yes, what's wrong with a little sexy flirting?
Titanll Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I am not conservative, and speak freely about sex. But there are somethings that should never be said out of common curtisy, where is the tact!? Instead of saying "oh yeah Ryan and I did that" it would be more tactful to say "yes I would love to do that with you!" Or "mmm one of my favorites, yes!" Unless it's two virgins, of course there will be some history, it's best to now be in the moment and let your lover know that he is the only one in your thoughts, not escapades with old beaus. This exactly...
act00 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I totally agree with you. I don't think details are necessary and name-dropping is definitely unnecessary. I don't know what more you can do. You have very clearly told her not to do that and she still does it. I guess if she ever gives TMI, ask her why it was necessary to share that information with you. You may have to evaluate your continued involvement with her. You may need to relax a little about some sharing and reach a level of compromise. The guy I'm seeing asked me about past relationships, and I think he asked how long it had been since <wink, wink> and I responded "long enough," and said I really don't see how that information is relevant. Honestly, I don't want my history to cause a blight in his mind either. I've walked that walk and learned very quickly, don't ask if you can't accept the answer. In my younger years, I remember getting into a raging fight with a boyfriend playing a "truth" drinking game...just not a good idea. I remember also getting into a fight because I asked my boyfriend if he'd done that when we were watching a movie. I learned quickly, it's just not someplace I want to go. This guy, I don't know if he has experienced this sort of thing or if he's naive in this area, and while he thinks he wants to know, it may turn out to be a bad choice on his part...and by then can opened, worms everywhere. I just don't want to go there. If you shared some of the information your GF was asking, how do you think she would have reacted? Would this cause issue for her when you spill the beans? I did ultimately tell him how long ago my most serious relationship was (he can fill in the blanks), and so far there doesn't seem to be any issue around that, and of course this is a reasonable question (the last major relationship); not what we did or how or where or any details of that sort. I guess I'm saying you might need to bend a little on your side because this seems to be important to her, but you don't have to step outside of your comfort zone to any large degree, and she really does need to reign it in on overshare. Sexual and romantic history is a very sensitive topic, and like you, I believe the details should be left in the past where they belong. Names will come up at times...hopefully in a more platonic way just because s/he is a past important person. Like my guy mentions his ex-wife by name, as I mention my ex-husband by name. BUT, if she continuously has this need to overshare, that's probably going to kill the relationship.
chphan Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 OP, there's no right or wrong here. It's just how individually a person feel about this issue. I agree with your point of view because I have the same approach. I'm very private and don't like t discuss these kind of things. And it also can be a turn off knowing what the other person has done with another person. However eventually there is a point where you will want to and need to know more about the other person. You guys aren't on the same page as this. She is more open and liberal on this subject than you are. So it's a compatible issue than a who is wrong or right issue.
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