Lovezen_30 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) I've been with my wonderful boyfriend for nearly 7 months. He is kind, thoughtful, adventurous, and on it goes. We see each other 2/3 times per week, currently. Three months ago we were casually chatting about places we wanted to travel to. I said I would love to go to Vienna and he said 'why don't we go sometime this year?'. Following this, we have been trying to narrow down the location we'll go to, with him sending lots of links to places on lunch breaks etc. Then the other night he says "*friend* has asked me to go on a sports trip with them this summer. But we said we'd go away...didn't we?". I got the distinct feeling he wanted me to give permission to break our plans so he could go with them. It made me feel unimportant especially as he has already been on a weeklong sports trip this year. The next day I asked him to remind me of the date we are planning to go to a rugby game (he asked me to go with him a month ago). He told me, then said '*friend* actually asked me to go on a 10 hour walk that weekend. It's in this really great location. But it wouldn't be nice of me to back out of plans with you, would it?'. Again I thought the subtext was he'd rather go with them. At this point I felt angry for the first in the relationship. I said that I didn't want him to feel he wanted to 'back out' of plans with me & that I want to be with a partner that wants to spend time with me. He back-tracked fast and said of course he still wants to do our plans. Can someone please help me understand this annoying behaviour?! Edited April 25, 2017 by Lovezen_30
Ronnys93 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 Hmm, honestly it doesn't sound like you're all that much of a priority to him. Think about it this way. The plans that you made with him were made first, so unless an emergency popped up those plans with you should be priority if he really wanted to go. It does sound like he's testing you to see whether you'd budge on your plans, but I wouldn't. Let him know that you really want to go with him, but keep in mind that if he changes plans and goes with them that you are likely not a priority to him and you either put your foot down or step out (of the relationship because it will happen again). 2
Author Lovezen_30 Posted April 25, 2017 Author Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) Hmm, honestly it doesn't sound like you're all that much of a priority to him. Think about it this way. The plans that you made with him were made first, so unless an emergency popped up those plans with you should be priority if he really wanted to go. It does sound like he's testing you to see whether you'd budge on your plans, but I wouldn't. Let him know that you really want to go with him, but keep in mind that if he changes plans and goes with them that you are likely not a priority to him and you either put your foot down or step out (of the relationship because it will happen again). The thing is Ronny, I more or less know he wouldn't break plans with me. Last week we spent a weekday together plus the whole weekend. He's coming to spend time with me tonight after work. So I know that I am important to him. I think he goes by the rule of 'whoever I made plans with first is what I follow through on' But I get the impression he is struggling to deal with the fact he won't be able to do everything he could when he was single, as he is now in a partnership. He does have whole weekends with his friends quite often and thats fine. When I ask him if he no longer wants to spend time with me, he says 'of course I do!'- but then why keep making these comments? It's a real turn off. Edited April 25, 2017 by Lovezen_30
Ronnys93 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 The thing is Ronny, I more or less know he wouldn't break plans with me. Last week we spent a weekday together plus the whole weekend. He's coming to spend time with me tonight after work. So I know that I am important to him. I think he goes by the rule of 'whoever I made plans with first is what I follow through on' But I get the impression he is struggling to deal with the fact he won't be able to do everything he could when he was single, as he is now in a partnership. He does have whole weekends with his friends quite often and thats fine. When I ask him if he no longer wants to spend time with me, he says 'of course I do!'- but then why keep making these comments? It's a real turn off. I think you need to have an open conversation about your plans and whether he actually DOES really want to go. Communication is the best way to overcome things like this. Tell him what you're telling me, that you feel like he may be struggling with the fact that he may not be able to do everything when he was single. Don't make it accusatory or argumentative, just go in being kind and asking if that's what's going on. 1
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 It's about compromise and the both of you being open to adjust things so everyone can be happy....if something comes up, either be a part of the new plans, or invite said friend along to do something. The mistake made when the relationship is still new is that very little time is spent doing things without your SO...he is missing his activities he used to do with his friend, not the fact he is losing interest. About the trip....if the tickets are not bought, it's free game. He is going to have to come up with a compromise, like plan a trip that is less expensive, but you ARE still going away together. 2
kendahke Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 But I get the impression he is struggling to deal with the fact he won't be able to do everything he could when he was single, as he is now in a partnership. He does have whole weekends with his friends quite often and thats fine. When I ask him if he no longer wants to spend time with me, he says 'of course I do!'- but then why keep making these comments? It's a real turn off. Tell him all of this and depending upon his answer, determine if it's the hill to die on. This is the real him and the real you now, not your representatives. They've been dismissed and now the true relationship is coming to form. You need to open your mouth and speak up for yourself... with the representatives gone, both of you are no longer on your best behavior. This kind of stuff is going to start erupting and you're going to have to address it --and not be afraid to address it-- when it does. If he's already made plans with you, then apparently, he's not available to be with his friends on those same days/times unless he extends an invitation to them to join you two. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 The thing is Ronny, I more or less know he wouldn't break plans with me. Last week we spent a weekday together plus the whole weekend. He's coming to spend time with me tonight after work. So I know that I am important to him. I think he goes by the rule of 'whoever I made plans with first is what I follow through on' But I get the impression he is struggling to deal with the fact he won't be able to do everything he could when he was single, as he is now in a partnership. He does have whole weekends with his friends quite often and thats fine. When I ask him if he no longer wants to spend time with me, he says 'of course I do!'- but then why keep making these comments? It's a real turn off. I don't know how old you are, but in my heydey (early to mid 30s), I went out a lot. I had a lot of friends, guy friends, and I went drinking a lot and on trips and to events. I had a girlfriend for a period that time, and it was pretty much understood that she would be invited to a lot of those events. If it had to be separate worlds, then it would not have worked well. Anyway, she hung out with my friends a lot. In other words, you should be included in those events. And you should have your own group of friends that you want to spend time with without your boyfriend. If it makes you feel any better, when you get to your 40s and have kids, your husband's friends will all have kids and won't be able to spend any time with him even if they all wanted to ... and you'll have him all to yourself. I see my best friend like twice a year for like a few hours. Seriously. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 It sounds like a guilt-trip or something. Very annoying. 3
Author Lovezen_30 Posted April 25, 2017 Author Posted April 25, 2017 I don't know how old you are, but in my heydey (early to mid 30s), I went out a lot. I had a lot of friends, guy friends, and I went drinking a lot and on trips and to events. I had a girlfriend for a period that time, and it was pretty much understood that she would be invited to a lot of those events. If it had to be separate worlds, then it would not have worked well. Anyway, she hung out with my friends a lot. In other words, you should be included in those events. And you should have your own group of friends that you want to spend time with without your boyfriend. If it makes you feel any better, when you get to your 40s and have kids, your husband's friends will all have kids and won't be able to spend any time with him even if they all wanted to ... and you'll have him all to yourself. I see my best friend like twice a year for like a few hours. Seriously. Our friends (moreso my boyfriends friends) are starting to get married so I fully understand why my boyfriend wants to take advantages of time with his buddies. I feel the same way and he does see friends frequently. I spend time with my friends weekly too. The separate worlds thing concerns me a bit. The trip he is going on is sports related - they are going to take part in a sport they have all been practicing for years, which I can't take part in. While I'll happily join my boyfriend on a hike and whatnot I don't do those sports. Although I am into yoga, SUP & surfing trips. Do you think that's going to be an issue? At the same time he does invite me to the occasional dinner or event with his friends when they are not doing sports. Some of them I get along really with and others I feel I have not much in common with.
Author Lovezen_30 Posted April 25, 2017 Author Posted April 25, 2017 It sounds like a guilt-trip or something. Very annoying. You hit the nail on the head Cookiesanddough! The other day after a long day of hiking, where my feet were cut up pretty bad & I smelled yuck, we were driving home and went past the turning for where my boyfriends friend lives. He asked if I want to drop in & meet them and I said I'd like to another time. He then added he 'usually always pops in' after being out walking. But now he needs to take my feelings into account. Again this is why I think he is partially loving being with me (it is clear when we're together) and getting used to a change in his non-single routine.
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) Our friends (moreso my boyfriends friends) are starting to get married so I fully understand why my boyfriend wants to take advantages of time with his buddies. I feel the same way and he does see friends frequently. I spend time with my friends weekly too. The separate worlds thing concerns me a bit. The trip he is going on is sports related - they are going to take part in a sport they have all been practicing for years, which I can't take part in. While I'll happily join my boyfriend on a hike and whatnot I don't do those sports. Although I am into yoga, SUP & surfing trips. Do you think that's going to be an issue? At the same time he does invite me to the occasional dinner or event with his friends when they are not doing sports. Some of them I get along really with and others I feel I have not much in common with. As a general rule of thumb, women are overbearing and men want to spend less time with their girlfriends than they have to. Of course, there are exceptions, and of course on LS there's always going to be a bunch of guys saying "What a pig, I want to spend every waking hour with my GF, dump him!" But in my experience with my male friends, it is the case. Men have to fight for their time apart. Women want more time together. That's what I would chalk it up to. You spend 2/3 times a week together, and he invites you out with his friends. That's all pretty good. I agree the 'backing out' part he can lose though. When I make a plan, I stick to it. But then again, lots of people are like that. Edited April 25, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember 1
Miss Peach Posted April 25, 2017 Posted April 25, 2017 I went through this with my current BF and almost dumped him over it. I feel that if it's an abnormal thing then to let someone go. For example if he found out his childhood best friend was in town for one night only - let him go. But if he's constantly prioritizing other things over you then he's treating you like an option. In my case I told him that. I said if he's showing me he can't be reliable then he is going to not be the priority in my plans. Mine was also not firming plans until last minute and trying to come over after other plans. So I made my own plans. He got the hint within two missed dates that I wasn't going to keep putting up with that crap. Mine sat all evening on my doorstep when I came home. We had a frank talk after that about how he made me feel and he hasn't cancelled plans and has prioritized me since. But I would have dumped him if he didn't get the hint to do better 2
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