Ladies: Question

[Power_Forward]

... Seriously I'm not sure which one of you has more toxic ideas about women here haha

 

Is it toxic to be realistic? I can only speak for myself here, and maybe some other guys can chime in, but the surest way to get oneself burned in any relationship is to start investing emotionally in the woman. It simply doesn't work. You will either get friend-zoned immediately, or she will lose her attraction to you the more emotional you become, until she ends up cheating on you or dumping you.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Power_Forward

[basil67]

Is it toxic to be realistic? I can only speak for myself here, and maybe some other guys can chime in, but the surest way to get oneself burned in any relationship is to start investing emotionally in the woman. It simply doesn't work. You will either get friend-zoned immediately, or she will lose her attraction to you the more emotional you become, until she ends up cheating on you or dumping you.

 

If you are not willing to invest emotionally, I assume that you don't have a goal of long term relationship or marriage?

 

Are you not emotionally invested in your current g/f?

[Almond_Joy]

How is any of this a problem if you are in control of your emotions? Straight up, I'm being honest here: I try to NEVER invest emotionally in a woman. They are too unpredictable to open up emotionally too. As soon as you do, BAM, you slip into the pitfall that you just described.

 

Like I said, I believe its the man's role to be logical and in control. And the plus side is, you don't get burned like how you're describing. Keep it clean, stay in control, don't chase shadows.

 

On this note then, like...do you expect women to invest emotionally in you?

 

I don't want to open my heart to a robot, or someone who's going to respond to my vulnerable moments shrouded in caution and reservations.

 

Passion, sympathy, encouragement, the willingness to fight for a relationship when things are bad...to me all that spawns from reciprocal emotional intimacy. Because from a logical perspective there's nothing to gain from these expressions...but most agree these things are important. They're important because they fulfill emotional needs. You can't build the kind of relationship that meets these needs with another person if one partner's hiding or dismissing what's happening emotionally.

 

...being emotional isn't a girl thing, it's a people thing. Like experiencing and expressing emotional responses is part of operating as a typical human being. The more you confront and engage with emotional responses the better you get at managing them. There are plenty of highly emotional people that are perfectly reasonable to deal with.

 

This is where guys start to lose my respect, when they want to posture as "the rock", unaffected by their lover's/partner's emotions or anything life hands them in general. Because it's just not true all the time. If were supposed to be trying to build a serious relationship and this is what you're doing all the time, as far as I'm concerned you're not all in. I'm gonna start thinking you're waiting for this to fail/fizzle out or that you don't really care about me the way I care about you.

 

Ovviously your post inspired this response but I'm taking about guys in general, because I think a lot of guys operate like this and assume the worst of i women instead of considering how they're shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to building a truly intimate relationship.

 

Obviously plenty of men operate this way and have long faithful relationships but I don't see how they're equally fulfilling in emotional intimacy for both parties in this model.

[lilspratz]

I always welcome his input. If there is anything I could use from it.... I will take that... and leave the rest.

[lilspratz]

I would discuss it with him and if there was anything I could use from it...I would take that..and leave the rest.

[Power_Forward]

If you are not willing to invest emotionally, I assume that you don't have a goal of long term relationship or marriage?

 

Are you not emotionally invested in your current g/f?

 

My goal right now is a LTR. Am I emotionally invested? It depends what you mean. I enjoy being with her, I like her as a person, we connect on what I feel is a deeper level which makes the time with her special. But through all of this I am always in control of my emotions. I don't get carried away. This is the role that a man is supposed to play, and because I am not carried away, the relationship works.

[SolG]

Of course man. Who wants to get hurt? It's a horrible feeling to be dumped or cheated on or ignored completely. That's what I was saying earlier: I didn't choose this way on purpose, it just sort of evolved naturally.

 

As a young man I have been burned over and over again for no explicable reason, as I'm sure many are, so eventually I became more and more guarded about something that I had no control over. Why is that wrong? That is called learning and gaining experience. It's stupid to continue down a path that has repeatedly brought failure and disempowerment.

 

And after adopting this new mentality, things have changed. I feel I have gained more power in the relationship. Women stay attracted to me instead of losing attraction after a short time. I am able to be strong for them instead of being emotionally attached. If something works, it works. You can call it wrong but at the end of the day, it works.

 

It's not about saving women with low self esteem, it's about inner strength and confidence. Many women, especially the more attractive ones, tend to be submissive and emotionally vulnerable. They don't want emotional men, I'm telling you. They want men who can make them feel secure and protected.

 

I can understand your self-protectionist perspective. But would just like to offer a different perspective.

 

Personally I don't think it's healthy for either gender to tightly control their emotions. To do so robs one of the beautiful richness in life that comes from experiencing both joy and sorrow and all the nuanced points inbetween. But it is indeed appropriate to control actions in response to emotion; feel what you feel, but express it in a way appropriate to the context.

 

Reactivity to emotion without constraint or thought can indeed be destructive and unattractive. But so can it be to not allow oneself to feel or ever be vulnerable at all.

 

And unfortunately there can never be true intimacy in a relationship without vulnerability. It is inherent in knowing and being truly known as a whole person. And facades are anathema to this.

 

People earn our vulnerability. I agree with you in that respect that it is not wise to willy nilly let others in. However for those that deserve it...

 

I remember my xH when his favourite uncle died. He was all business and efficiency and strength. Executor for the will, organising the funeral, hosting at the wake. The epitome of stoicism. Yet that night when we were alone he cried in my arms; expressed his deep anguish and sorrow at his loss.

 

That was not weakness. IMO that was immense strength, as expressing vulnerability often is. And if we're with the right person they will not denegrate us for it, but rather celebrate and respect it. Because it means being truly known, accepted and loved for all our facets, not just the easy or pleasant ones.

 

I know it's not always easy or comfortable to get that place in a relationship. And yes it can be more convenient to be loved for what you choose to project, than left for who you truly are.

[guest569]

i see this more as a communication issue that applies to all relationships regardless of gender. knowing when to provide support, encouragement, empathy, advice, opinions.. Or simply listen, or ask questions to help them out.

[Power_Forward]

I can understand your self-protectionist perspective. But would just like to offer a different perspective.

 

Personally I don't think it's healthy for either gender to tightly control their emotions. To do so robs one of the beautiful richness in life that comes from experiencing both joy and sorrow and all the nuanced points inbetween. But it is indeed appropriate to control actions in response to emotion; feel what you feel, but express it in a way appropriate to the context.

 

Reactivity to emotion without constraint or thought can indeed be destructive and unattractive. But so can it be to not allow oneself to feel or ever be vulnerable at all.

 

And unfortunately there can never be true intimacy in a relationship without vulnerability. It is inherent in knowing and being truly known as a whole person. And facades are anathema to this.

 

People earn our vulnerability. I agree with you in that respect that it is not wise to willy nilly let others in. However for those that deserve it...

 

I remember my xH when his favourite uncle died. He was all business and efficiency and strength. Executor for the will, organising the funeral, hosting at the wake. The epitome of stoicism. Yet that night when we were alone he cried in my arms; expressed his deep anguish and sorrow at his loss.

 

That was not weakness. IMO that was immense strength, as expressing vulnerability often is. And if we're with the right person they will not denegrate us for it, but rather celebrate and respect it. Because it means being truly known, accepted and loved for all our facets, not just the easy or pleasant ones.

 

I know it's not always easy or comfortable to get that place in a relationship. And yes it can be more convenient to be loved for what you choose to project, than left for who you truly are.

 

I agree with much of what you wrote. It's not about total emotional shut down, it's about gauging when and if to open up, and to whom.

There is a wide range of varying degrees of maturity in people, especially when you're young. So what is the best approach to handle that? Do I adjust myself or do I just wait around forever to find Ms Perfect, who doesn't exist. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Power Forward, what I'm seeing now having caught up with the thread a little is that you have a lack of empathy that is making you cold.

[William]

After review, this one will remain closed ~T

Edited May 1, 2017 by William