Ladies: Question

April 26, 2017

The correct answer is almost always B, and it took me years to learn that (I can be slow sometimes).

Funny video on this very subject:

OMG..that is too funny.

April 26, 2017

If you dont want us to give you advise or to fix it.

Don't complain.

Don't unload.

Because its most mens nature to fix things...

When she complains about her family, her job, or money problems... she will revert to how you never helped her or when another guy or friend always give her good advise and you don't. Every female is different and she will not tell you if she just wants to unload on you or really wants your opinion.

She will build this resentment in her self and you will hear it eventualy. Days before she breaks up with you or after.. or in a heat argument

Overall... its a game I don't like. As you see in this thread you have different answers.. so its a gamble.

You have a problem.

You're omplaining about the problem.. sometimes constantly.

We give you adivce.

You cringe.

This is a game. A game i dont play.

I doubt most woman wants to be used a sound board to a mans problems that he had at work or with his friends.. followed up with I really dont want your help or advice.

I repeat.. this is a game, a game I dont play.

Your an adult.. you can fix it on your own.. ? but you need a big hug and a person to dump all your fustration on and receive a "its ok honey."

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

April 26, 2017

If you dont want us to give you advise or to fix it.

Don't complain.
Don't unload.

Because its most mens nature to fix things...

When she complains about her family, her job, or money problems... she will revert to how you never helped her or when another guy or friend always give her good advise and you don't. Every female is different and she will not tell you if she just wants to unload on you or really wants your opinion.

She will build this resentment in her self and you will hear it eventualy. Days before she breaks up with you or after.. or in a heat argument

Overall... its a game I don't like. As you see in this thread you have different answers.. so its a gamble.

You have a problem.
You're omplaining about the problem.. sometimes constantly.

We give you adivce.

You cringe.

This is a game. A game i dont play.

I doubt most woman wants to be used a sound board to a mans problems that he had at work or with his friends.. followed up with I really dont want your help or advice.

I repeat.. this is a game, a game I dont play.

Your an adult.. you can fix it on your own.. ? but you need a big hug and a person to dump all your fustration on and receive a "its ok honey."

I hear what you're saying, but look, at the end of the day if you're in a LTR you have to address these emotional issues that come up and support your woman, otherwise that is showing weakness and neglect on your part. I saw in another thread one of the women wrote that being "emotionally unavailable" was a major turn-off. We can't just be dicks and tell her to sort her own sh*t out. It simply doesn't work that way in relationships.

My view is that it's the man's role in the relationship to be emotional secure. We have to be solid and confident in ourselves so that the woman can open up to us and let out her emotions when she has a problem.

What I've learned from this thread is, it's our role:

A.) to be with her when she's feeling upset, by simply supporting her by being calm and in control will make her feel better

and

B.) to offer solutions if she wants them, but not too forcibly, just in a supporting way and as an adjunct to step A.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 26, 2017

Thanks for the advice everyone. I had to confront a difficult issue that my GF is going through. (I posted about it in the ABUSE section of LoveShack).

My

GF

of three weeks says that her niece and nephew is being physically abused by their father. She is very upset about it. Apparently he is hitting them to the point that they are bleeding on their face and arms.

Her niece and nephew live in another state (I live in Arizona, her sister and her family live in Rhode Island). I do not feel I am in a position to intervene. I could call RI child protective services, but then my

GF

will likely know that I intervened without her consent. And would it really make things better if the state takes away their kids?

I do not know what to do. This is new territory for me.

Anyway, difficult situation. I feel like if I intervene then she will resent me, and I might break up her sister's family. It's hard to do nothing but sometimes you have no choice. So I followed your advice and tried to be there for her and let her share her emotions of sorrow and inner pain. She seems to feel better as the week progresses, although of course it is still a problem in the back of her mind that remains.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Power_Forward

April 26, 2017

I'm an A girl too.

Unless it's an interpersonal problem I am having with my friends or family that has absolutely NOTHING to do with him, please don't intervene, but I will always listen to his advice. Note, I said interpersonal problem. Anything physical, yes, I'd like him to just fix it. Otherwise, with an interpersonal problem that he has nothing to do with, I just want him to listen and gently offer solutions (which I want to hear) but don't get all pissy if I don't follow his advice.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Popsicle

April 26, 2017

If you're going to give advice, a) keep your criticisms of her out if you want her to be open to you. b) show some emotional intelligence/empathy for the parties involved, otherwise you will seem too biased and irrational and c) keep your anger in check. Do not show it or game over.

April 26, 2017

I hear what you're saying, but look, at the end of the day if you're in a LTR you have to address these emotional issues that come up and support your woman, otherwise that is showing weakness and neglect on your part. I saw in another thread one of the women wrote that being "emotionally unavailable" was a major turn-off. We can't just be dicks and tell her to sort her own sh*t out. It simply doesn't work that way in relationships.

My view is that it's the man's role in the relationship to be emotional secure. We have to be solid and confident in ourselves so that the woman can open up to us and let out her emotions when she has a problem.

What I've learned from this thread is, it's our role:

A.) to be with her when she's feeling upset, by simply supporting her by being calm and in control will make her feel better

and

B.) to offer solutions if she wants them, but not too forcibly, just in a supporting way and as an adjunct to step A.

What you're saying in hindsight is to be a MAN.

Which means you give up your right to have a open two way emotional bridge. Its a one way road. Any woman who will leave you in a moment of weakness... that is no woman i want to be with period! As a man is suppose to support a woman, a woman is suppose to support her man.

You can suck up all the "being a man" means not to show all your cards and surpressing your emotions for the greater good of the long term.. Hmm wonder why men have a higher suicide rate.

Again.. its a gamble.. some women love the advice of their men and others don't. They will often NOT tell you because many women believe a man most "Be" they believe you are suppose to just "Know" and is part of the waiting for the right man instead of communicating and expressing ones needs and wants.

Again... if you are complaining to your man and you are a constant squeaky wheel. We are more often to fix it.... because we want to see you happy.

To pine you dont like hearing advice back and NOT TELL HIM is a game and often why men are left confused.

Again men are confuse because as you said some women want a man who is emotionally there... but again if you help her you are clingy or needy and dont show emotional stability. It depends on the female.

April 26, 2017

What you're saying in hindsight is to be a MAN.

Which means you give up your right to have a open two way emotional bridge. Its a one way road. Any woman who will leave you in a moment of weakness... that is no woman i want to be with period! As a man is suppose to support a woman, a woman is suppose to support her man.

You can suck up all the "being a man" means not to show all your cards and surpressing your emotions for the greater good of the long term.. Hmm wonder why men have a higher suicide rate.

Again.. its a gamble.. some women love the advice of their men and others don't. They will often NOT tell you because many women believe a man most "Be" they believe you are suppose to just "Know" and is part of the waiting for the right man instead of communicating and expressing ones needs and wants.

Again... if you are complaining to your man and you are a constant squeaky wheel. We are more often to fix it.... because we want to see you happy.

To pine you dont like hearing advice back and NOT TELL HIM is a game and often why men are left confused.

Again men are confuse because as you said some women want a man who is emotionally there... but again if you help her you are clingy or needy and dont show emotional stability. It depends on the female.

I hear what you're saying, but to be honest if I had an emotional problem I wouldn't seek help or support from my GF. I would talk to a buddy or a professional counselor. I might seek advice from my GF regarding a logical situation: such as, what do you think about this situation, etc. But not emotional support. Again, as a man in a LTR I don't feel that is my role to be emotionally weak like that.

April 26, 2017

Thanks for the advice everyone. I had to confront a difficult issue that my GF is going through. (I posted about it in the ABUSE section of LoveShack).

My
GF
of three weeks says that her niece and nephew is being physically abused by their father. She is very upset about it. Apparently he is hitting them to the point that they are bleeding on their face and arms.

Her niece and nephew live in another state (I live in Arizona, her sister and her family live in Rhode Island). I do not feel I am in a position to intervene. I could call RI child protective services, but then my
GF
will likely know that I intervened without her consent. And would it really make things better if the state takes away their kids?

I do not know what to do. This is new territory for me.

Anyway, difficult situation. I feel like if I intervene then she will resent me, and I might break up her sister's family. It's hard to do nothing but sometimes you have no choice. So I followed your advice and tried to be there for her and let her share her emotions of sorrow and inner pain. She seems to feel better as the week progresses, although of course it is still a problem in the back of her mind that remains.

Wow, this is a super easy one for you to solve. Ask your g/f "Is there anything I can do to help?"

April 26, 2017

I hear what you're saying, but to be honest if I had an emotional problem I wouldn't seek help or support from my GF. I would talk to a buddy or a professional counselor. I might seek advice from my GF regarding a logical situation: such as, what do you think about this situation, etc. But not emotional support. Again, as a man in a LTR I don't feel that is my role to be emotionally weak like that.

I would describe this approach being "emotionally unavailable" and yes, it's a turn off. Possibly a dealbreaker. If the guy in question is also one who goes into his cave or gets grumpy while not sharing what the issue is, it's definitely a dealbreaker.

I don't want to be my husband's saviour, but it's important to me to know if he's got a problem.

April 26, 2017

I hear what you're saying, but to be honest if I had an emotional problem I wouldn't seek help or support from my GF. I would talk to a buddy or a professional counselor. I might seek advice from my GF regarding a logical situation: such as, what do you think about this situation, etc. But not emotional support. Again, as a man in a LTR I don't feel that is my role to be emotionally weak like that.

Its human nature to exercise your full spectrum of emotions. If you cannot exercise sadness, pain, anger, or weakness with your partner you role in the relationship is to be a tool or resource only.. a sound board or provider.

So what your saying your girl or wife is useless to you. You have to seek other support from other people , yet you lay in the same bed together. You shouldnt have to seek professional help to get emotional support from your S.O. unless you have deep emotional problems.

To say you cannot get angry in a relationship is for unicorns. It happens. Its a human feature.. get over it. As long as the anger is HEALTHY anger.. and your not hitting or disrespecting the other person. This is why some people cannot have long term relationships because they do not understand it requires handling complex human emotions and conflicts.

If thats the role you see your self.. you are free to exercise it..

But if my girlfriend or wife feels less attracted to me because i seek emotional support and comfort as she seeks it from me. there is the door. My friends and family will be more of value to me.

April 26, 2017

I would describe this approach being "emotionally unavailable" and yes, it's a turn off. Possibly a dealbreaker. If the guy in question is also one who goes into his cave or gets grumpy while not sharing what the issue is, it's definitely a dealbreaker.

I don't want to be my husband's saviour, but it's important to me to know if he's got a problem.

OK. That's not what I was saying, but thanks.

April 26, 2017

Wow, this is a super easy one for you to solve. Ask your g/f "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Someone else recommended that I intervene anyway by calling child protective services. Yes, your way is a lot easier.

April 26, 2017

Its human nature to exercise your full spectrum of emotions. If you cannot exercise sadness, pain, anger, or weakness with your partner you role in the relationship is to be a tool or resource only.. a sound board or provider.

So what your saying your girl or wife is useless to you. You have to seek other support from other people , yet you lay in the same bed together. You shouldnt have to seek professional help to get emotional support from your S.O. unless you have deep emotional problems.

To say you cannot get angry in a relationship is for unicorns. It happens. Its a human feature.. get over it. As long as the anger is HEALTHY anger.. and your not hitting or disrespecting the other person. This is why some people cannot have long term relationships because they do not understand it requires handling complex human emotions and conflicts.

If thats the role you see your self.. you are free to exercise it..

But if my girlfriend or wife feels less attracted to me because i seek emotional support and comfort as she seeks it from me. there is the door. My friends and family will be more of value to me.

I hear what you're saying. I just think that one of the main reasons why my generation misses the mark with marriage and LTRs is because men have stopped being men, and women have stopped being women. Men are taught to act like boys and expect their women to lead them. I think it's unnatural and leads to women not being attracted to us. Men should be in control of their emotions, it's part of being an adult.

April 26, 2017

OK. That's not what I was saying, but thanks.

Weren't you saying that you don't want to let your partner in to your issues and concerns because it makes you weak?

Not letting a partner share in your thoughts and worries IS very much a part of being emotionally unavailable.

April 26, 2017

Weren't you saying that you don't want to let your partner in to your issues and concerns because it makes you weak?

Not letting a partner share in your thoughts and worries IS very much a part of being emotionally unavailable.

No, what I meant was, when a man shares his problems and concerns, it has to be from a place of strength and integrity, not neediness and weakness. I am all for discussing my thoughts and feelings, but I believe that I have to first be in control and confident within myself, not helpless and needy. Sharing should be a voluntary act of allowing the other person to engage in the decision making, not an involuntary act of desperation and helplessness. Yes, sometimes you may really be desperate, but those should only be rare situations.

April 26, 2017

I hear what you're saying. I just think that one of the main reasons why my generation misses the mark with marriage and LTRs is because men have stopped being men, and women have stopped being women. Men are taught to act like boys and expect their women to lead them. I think it's unnatural and leads to women not being attracted to us. Men should be in control of their emotions, it's part of being an adult.

You have clearly described the features of a parent and not one of a husband or boyfriend.

April 26, 2017

i normally say i need advice if im look for advice mostly though i just want b....i work things out myself.....i just need someone to hear my voice sometimes....even on here......i just need to think aloud and with someone who can understand where im coming from.......instead if the voices in my head arguing......its good to have that person you can trust your other half to just ....listen......or even just offer suggestions or have faith in me......and my capabilities when i start to doubt them myself...if i want advice i ask what would you do...so b is what i normally seek....unless i specifically ask for help..it would have to be pretty monstrous to want my other half if i had one to step in..deb

Edited April 26, 2017 by todreaminblue

April 26, 2017

You have clearly described the features of a parent and not one of a husband or boyfriend.

You think so? I thought I was describing the features of an adult. It's crazy that being in control of your emotions is now seen as abnormal.

April 26, 2017

You think so? I thought I was describing the features of an adult. It's crazy that being in control of your emotions is now seen as abnormal.

I understand your point of view.. but pushing a traditional relationship these days is not an easy task. Possible, but not easy.

The new generation of men and women are taking advantage of the old traditional ideas from the opposite sex and trying to reap the benefits of the 21st century at the same time.

You take take the majority of the advice you hear in this thread which is choice B and you're screwed. If you do A you're screwed to. You just have no idea what female you may come across... Your best bet is to ask her.... because many times they will not tell you if it bothers them or not because many women observe over time what you do to see who you are because they feel you must "be" that person and not tell you who you are to be.

April 26, 2017

I understand your point of view.. but pushing a traditional relationship these days is not an easy task. Possible, but not easy.

The new generation of men and women are taking advantage of the old traditional ideas from the opposite sex and trying to reap the benefits of the 21st century at the same time.

I'm not sure how far we have to go back to find these 'traditional relationships'. My dad was born in 1940 and he would share his worries or concerns with my mum. My husband was born in 1961 and he shares his worries and concerns with me too. Neither of them would worry that their wives would think that sharing problems or worries makes them appear weak. And neither my mother or I would see it as weakness anyway. Perhaps that's why they are open with us.

All that said, there is such a thing as TOO MUCH sharing of anxiety and worries for either gender. Your partner is there to bounce stuff off and to be open with for the good and the bad. But if one needs serious help for an ongoing issue, that's when you bring in a professional.

.

April 26, 2017

People are different.

There is no one single answer that will work for every human.

This is not rocket science, nor a sign of the scandalous breakdown of society.

April 26, 2017

I'm not sure how far we have to go back to find these 'traditional relationships'. My dad was born in 1940 and he would share his worries or concerns with my mum. My husband was born in 1961 and he shares his worries and concerns with me too. Neither of them would worry that their wives would think that sharing problems or worries makes them appear weak. And neither my mother or I would see it as weakness anyway. Perhaps that's why they are open with us.

All that said, there is such a thing as TOO MUCH sharing of anxiety and worries for either gender. Your partner is there to bounce stuff off and to be open with for the good and the bad. But if one needs serious for an ongoing issue, that's when you bring in a professional.
.

Its different now these days. I hear often posters here who are in their late 50's and higher with little to no dating experience in the last 10 years giving advice to men and women here not knowing the new dynamics of society.

This is why you hear the poster and other men on this site use words like ALPHA or supress their feelings. This is the new dynamic Basil67.

Hanging on the coat tails of traditional views and expoilting male benefits of being court like a woman, yet when you do this, he is rejected or used. There is suppose to be a mutual respect of gender roles and why women got the perks of being treated like an upper class citizen.

Women have tossed those roles in favor of being equal to men and still crave the perks.

Men are being taught to tend to a womans needs. Open the door, pay for dinner, work, provide, fix the house, and that a womans feelings are first and foremost etc...

So here is the zinger...

The woman starts unloading to her man about work or her crappy best friend and rationally a mans first reaction is to FIX IT as he has concluded that his purpose is to make your life better... this is how a lot of men are..

She will NOT tell him this bothers her and she will complie this to her list of things she doesnt like about her partner and he will hear it eventually... months or years later in a heated argument.

He will be clueless. She doesnt want to admit she is using him as an emotional dumpster and wants no resolve and in my opinion is childish and a game. Very often this unloading will come without a resolve on her end and the man will input his opinion because he sees you distress.

Its not rocket science...but she sure does make it rocket science.

April 26, 2017

Its different now these days. I hear often posters here who are in their late 50's and higher with little to no dating experience in the last 10 years giving advice to men and women here not knowing the new dynamics of society.

This is why you hear the poster and other men on this site use words like ALPHA or supress their feelings. This is the new dynamic Basil67.

Hanging on the coat tails of traditional views and expoilting male benefits of being court like a woman, yet when you do this, he is rejected or used. There is suppose to be a mutual respect of gender roles and why women got the perks of being treated like an upper class citizen.

Women have tossed those roles in favor of being equal to men and still crave the perks.

Men are being taught to tend to a womans needs. Open the door, pay for dinner, work, provide, fix the house, and that a womans feelings are first and foremost etc...

So here is the zinger...

The woman starts unloading to her man about work or her crappy best friend and rationally a mans first reaction is to FIX IT as he has concluded that his purpose is to make your life better... this is how a lot of men are..

She will NOT tell him this bothers her and she will complie this to her list of things she doesnt like about her partner and he will hear it eventually... months or years later in a heated argument.

He will be clueless. She doesnt want to admit she is using him as an emotional dumpster and wants no resolve and in my opinion is childish and a game. Very often this unloading will come without a resolve on her end and the man will input his opinion because he sees you distress.

Its not rocket science...but she sure does make it rocket science.

How is any of this a problem if you are in control of your emotions? Straight up, I'm being honest here: I try to NEVER invest emotionally in a woman. They are too unpredictable to open up emotionally too. As soon as you do, BAM, you slip into the pitfall that you just described.

Like I said, I believe its the man's role to be logical and in control. And the plus side is, you don't get burned like how you're describing. Keep it clean, stay in control, don't chase shadows.

April 26, 2017

... Seriously I'm not sure which one of you has more toxic ideas about women here haha

although as long as you're up front about what you think and what you want hopefully you will find happy relationships!

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