Incredibly uspet and flustered over girl with some issues

[gregferblink]

Hello there,

 

29 y.o male here. I am an engineer for a small company, so I am a young professional. I am still dating around people, haven't found the "one" yet. Actually, I have only had one serious gf, and that was back in college. Ever since that, it has just been flings, short lived dates, and a few that have lasted a few months. About once every two years, I find a girl who really grabs my attention, and I am super stoked about what the future holds. But always ends up in heartbrake for me. The girl this time around was Kendra.

 

So I have a mutual friend (Tat) who texted me saying that she wanted to set me up with this chick. She's a very free-spirited girl, loves the outdoors, and is just very chill. (And, from the pictures, shes very attractive!) One thing that she mentions is that she doesn't drink anymore...she just went too wild with it back in the day and now she is sober and that's the way she likes it. She is a bartender at one place, and a waitress at another place. She is 28 years old. Alright, sure no problem, I agree to meet her.

 

From the first meeting, I really like her. We vibe really well and conversation flows very nice. She agrees as well, and we keep seeing each other. Keep in mind our first date was at the end of January of this year. We keep seeing each other for about 2-3 times a week and everything is going very well. I am just liking this girl more and more and she seems to be really digging me as well. 6 weeks in (I only know this cause she told me it took 6 weeks her to "give it up") we finally have sex. Super awesome! I'm loving it, and loving everything about her. Shes funny and we are different, but similar at the same time. I'm the organized one, she's the impulsive one. But we are both very "artistic". We are both very into each other, and actually she seems to be REALLY into me. One time we hung out two days in a row, and then she wanted to hang out a third day in a row, and I had to say "hey let's cool it down here, I like my own life ya know?" OK no problem she says, and we are on our happy way. She is always giving me words of endearment, and she is even talking about how I should go on a vacation with her family in Spain this upcoming summer. I am like "woahhh thats a pretty big commitment at this point, maybe we should plan a little mini vacation first?" Ok, she agrees, and we were SUPPOSED to go on vacation this upcoming week. She is planning on getting Saturdays off so that we can have a day to hang out all the time. She is acting pretty serious about this, which I am fine with.

 

OK here's where the first hiccup comes. I have a pretty important job, with deadlines and installs that I have to go do. So in the middle of March (so we've been dating for about 1.5 months now) I have to go to an install for my job. I am getting super stressed about it and I even tell her I'm pretty nervous for the week ahead. We hang out that Saturday night and I am just starting to stress about the week so I think I was a little quiet and tense. Oh well, still really enjoyed hanging out with her and then we go to Sunday night. I am getting prepared mentally to leave and the Mutual friend Tat texts me and asks "Soooooo hows it going between you two????" I am honestly not in the mood to talk so I make it pretty brisk and I say shes great and I'm really looking forward to spending more time with her in the future and see where it goes. She asks me if I think it could move onto girlfriend material and I kinda get perturbed. I say "Sure" and she says "boy you sound enthused about that!!" and I'm just like "listen, I feel like I'm in highschool with all these questions, I'm super enjoying my time with her and if you wanna know in the future, ask Kendra about it." I then vent to Kendra right after that to her and she agrees Tat can be nosy. OK I think all is well.

 

So, while I am onsite at the job, during the middle of the freaking super stressful week, I get a text from Kendra that says "Um I don't know how to tell you this, but I just don't think this is working out" My heart sinks, and I wonder wtf just happened. I immediately text her back being like what no why I love what we are doing and I wanna keep it up. She immediately apologizes and was like "OMG I JUST TOTALLY THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T INTO ME!!!" I then text the mutual friend being like WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER and she was like "OMG I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING" yeahhhhh right.

 

Anyways I am able to talk with her on the phone later that night, and I explain that IDK why she did this, I was super enjoying her and wanted to keep it going. She said that the last time I hung out with her, she felt that something was "off" and that something had been of for a few days. IDK WTF she is talking about, I'm just super stressed, thats why. She super apologizes and I say it's ok, I still want to be with you. She does too. I do say that this came out of left field for me, so I am concerned if you are going to do something like this in the future again......well, yep she sure does!

 

So, we get back together and things are going well for a while. We are hanging out one night and she gets a text from her guy-friend saying he needs to talk. emergency. She calls him, and learns that one of their good friends from high school just overdosed on heroin and it looks like a suicide. Heavy stuff. Sucks. I have to go back to my jobsite in Illinois for the next week, so I say goodbye and they go to the funeral and all. When I get back, she shows me a sexy picture of her getting ready in front of the mirror topless, but photo shopped so you can't see the nipples. I like it, but I'm like, wait, who took that picture? "Oh, my good friend drew did!" and im just like what?? She assures me that they have been BFFs since 15 and shes just a free spirit and they have NEVER done anything. I totally trust her but I say that "hmm thats a little weird, I'm kinda sure that guy would probably want to mess around with you" but oh well i put it out of my mind. I trusted her. In her mind, this was "red flag #1"

 

Then, she hits me with a text saying "there's probably something you should know about me, and we should talk in person." Ohhh jeezus, ok what now. Well, I learned that the reason why she doesn't drink is because she had a cousin who committed suicide when she was like 18 years old, and she even told him saying "you're not gonna do it!!" and he did. So she lived with that for a long time and I guess was very depressed from that and from all of her crappy & abusive relationships. So, one day she "saw some signs" and decided she wanted to drink herself to death. She did, and by "divine intervention" her ex boyfriend felt sick, came home, and saved her life in the knick of time. She was dead for like a couple minutes. Talk about HEAVY. All this weighed heavy on me, and I felt like I kinda treaded lightly for a bit, but still loved everything about her and wanted to continue seeing her, so I did! But I didn't have the "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk yet.

 

Things are still going great, but then she tells me that she had one of her friends come over to help unclog her drain. She tells me it's her ex boyfriend and im like WAIT WHAT...you are friends with him still? She has told me that all of her ex boyfriends have cheated on her, so I'm like why are you still around him. Also, you might not be into him any more, but he still definitely might have feelings for you. Apparently they were living together until last November when she believes that he cheated on her with someone else in the apartment, and she made him move out. But they are still good friends. I thought that that was really weird, but he did save her life, so I was like "whatever, its weird, but honestly its out of my mind. That's "red flag #2" in her mind.

 

The last straw was that we were going out to dinner in the beginning of April, and she got a phone call from one of her guy friends. This is a guy friend who owns a lot of restaurants and apparently is going to allow her to have these pseudo-"alcoholics anonymous" type meetings where she coordinates and gets together people so that they can talk about things and reinforce that "you do have a purpose in life." Ok whatever im cool with that. But on our way home from dinner, she gets a call from this guy and just answers it and talks for like twenty minutes. We get back to her apartment and im just like waiting for her to finish and I am visibly getting upset. I mean, if she just told me this is a super important call I wouldn't have minded, but she just nonchalantly took it and I was upset afterwards. She immediately said 'are you upset?" and i was like "well i mean i think its kinda disrespectful to just have me waiting here while that happens". She apologizes, and I get over it quickly, and we enjoy our night. As soon as I leave in the morning, I feel that something is up. That is her "red flag #3".

 

We are supposed to hang on Sunday, and she backs out. Monday she gets "sick" and backs out. Then she is still acting like everything is fine and we are supposed to hang on Thursday. I knew something was up. She calls me back on Thursday and decides it isn't going to work out, because I am becoming someone who is "trying to control her" with all these 3 things I mentioned before. I am not going to allow her to "be herself" by being around her best friend, and the things that I think are weird, are just going to get worse and I am going to start to get jealous then start to control her and get angry at her. I'm like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, i just had these 3 concerns and nothing more. I was totally chill. I feel like she is comparing me to all of her ****ty ex boyfriends and I get the shaft. She is like completely done.

 

I lay off her and I don't text her for a few days. I say I'd like to talk with her in public, and she says I would really like that too. She is still acting all wishy washy and we still don't talk for a bit. I then finally am able to call her and she still stands her ground, and is not interested in anything with me. Her reasoning now is that she's been in relationship all of her life, and now she needs time to herself to figure it out. Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of how she was acting to me this whole time. Smothering me with affection, calling me baby, being super touchy feely with me, wanting me to go on vacation with her and meet her family, carving out Saturdays for me. I do believe that she has a LOT of issues in her past, and she needs time to figure it all out.

 

Another thing I forgot to add is she is the "free love" type girl, and bisexual. She has been with 5-6 girls, and she is very close to one still. I didn't mind that cause, im a dude and I was thinking about a 3-way haha. Anyways, the last time we talked she told me about how she met her good friend Tori, whom she has lez'd out with. Kendra was dating this guy Alex at the time who was SUPER abusive to her apparently. Tori texted her out of nowhere saying "Alex is cheating on you with me, because I am his ex girlfriend" they then somehow hit of off thru text, and she goes over to her place and they make love and she literally stays with her all weekend. Like whatttttt. Kendra and Alex finally split up, THEN Tori and Alex start dating again. THEN they all became super good friends and were friends even when I was in the picture. And I have learned that they have had a couple 3 ways in the past. And from what it sounds like, she has a lot more stories like this to add. I bet I'm just starting to scratch the surface with this girl...

 

Kendra was talking about some dating advice and what if she made the "right decision about me" to Tori, and apparently she made her feel like a slut, and she thinks that she doesn't want Kendra to start a relationship so that she can be disposable to Tori and Alex for 3 ways. I am like 'wow this is a love triangle mess, and it can't be good on your psychy. You need to get out of there!!" She said that that was probably a good idea, and sounds like she is following through with that. So that at least is good, but who knows I don't think I can trust her word.

 

Unfortunately, she still doesn't want anything out of me, but still wants to be my friend, and i got super sad and drank a **** ton. I was texting her saying I loved her and all and she came back being like "you dont love me, you're drunk! you don't even love yourself!!!" and im just like whatttt im just super sad right now. I did really like you but this is all just a big emotional mess with her. I got so drunk that I missed easter brunch and my parents got super worried about me and came and picked me up from my apartment and had a "mini intervention". I told her all this and she ended it like "hey lets not talk for a while, you need to get your act straight" I mean, I get it I was super sad, but I'm not like in dire need of assistance of anything.

 

​​​​​​​As I type this, I can see how this is all just one big mess. I am still really uspet because I haven't felt a connection for a girl like this in a loong time. But at the same time, she has a lot going on. After this, I texted the mutual friend being like "WHAT HAPPENED WHAT DID I DO" and she put the blame on not making her my girlfriend when I asked the first time. Like she got self conscious and then psyched herself out and then maybe changed her mind cause I "waited too long". I have been beating myself up constantly on what I did, but everyone is telling me this chick has a lot of baggage, it's nothing I did. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't go visit her at the bar she worked at when she kinda hinted I should stop by. Then there was this one day where I stayed over the night, and she was working an event at the fairgrounds and she realllly wanted me to go. I declined, and I'm almost wondering if I didn't show her enough attention in that sense, and that could have caused some of the issues. Or at least I could have gotten a little longer run out of it.

 

She ended it just wanting to "be friends" and I was like "well does that mean you just wanna be friends and still **** then?" and she's like "no that will only confuse things". which confuses me cause it sounds like thats what she does with everyone else. I then mentioned like it's hard for me to find ladies because I am not working with a bunch, I am in a small office all day. I asked if she knew anybody, and she actually sounded enthused to help me out and she might know somebody. This is a girl who mentioned like "oh me and Kendra seem like a cute couple" Which confused me EVEN MORE. This is who you want to set me up with? But honestly, I do want to hit her up for that! I want to have a relationship, and sounds like she is not willing!

 

What do you all think? Is this just one HUGE mess and I should just drop it? Did I do anything wrong? I am going on vacation next week (the one that she COMMITTED TO GOING WITH ME HURRAY GOING BY MYSELF) and I kind of want to hit her up to see if she will talk to me. To at least drop in and say hello, and maybe try and get something set up with one of the girls she knows.

 

Sorry for the HUGE explanation, but if you can't tell already, theres a lot going on. Can anybody please give me some advice?

 

Thanks,

 

Greg

[SevenCity]

Dude there is a lot going on here so let me just say this: she's a hot mess and will bring nothing but drama and pain in your life. It's sounds like you may have been a rebound from the guy she kicked out in November.

 

 

The fact that she wants to set you up with another chick sounds like she feels guilty. She liked the idea of a new bf until it actually started to happen.

 

I get what you mean about taking years to find someone you click with. It's frustrating but a reality.

 

But since you're open to the idea of another chick from this nut means you weren't that crazy about her.

 

It sounds like a good deal but birds of a feather. I don't think you need this kind of drama again and I bet her friends are a lot like her.

 

Have you tried online dating or joining Meetup groups?

 

Yea, stay far away from this girl. Nothing but trouble....

[preraph]

Well, this filly is still pretty wild and unpredictable, and I just think she's got a whole lot going on and her and her friends may all be laid back about all the multi-dating and staying friends with exes because they are kind of a boundary-less bunch.

 

Now, I know you're heartbroken, but this girl is some unstable drama. I mean, too many suicides in her vicinity. And heroin? I'm glad she's trying to be sober but lord only knows what else she might dabble in.

 

She's simply got a whole lot of irons in the fire, and I'm sure it's fun for her and I'm kinda jealous because I remember the day, but she wasn't about to settle down with you because she's way too scattered out for that. There's people you can love and people you can love to be around and still not be able to live with or stay with.

 

Yes, she is contradictory, but that's because her agenda is just way different from your way of thinking about relationships. Look at it this way. She could go over the edge and then you'd be having to deal with that. Chances are she certainly isn't going to settle down anytime soon. Maybe someday, but not in the next few years, I'm betting.

 

If she got pregnant, you'd be stuck with her and all her exes and boyfriends and photographer friends and girlfriends for life!

 

You need someone a little closer in modus operendi to yourself. Good luck.

[LostOnes05]

Anytime someone says all their exes were abusive beware. She'd have to have the worst luck in the world or she is causing a bunch of drama and when called out, she considers that controlling. Free love type or not, she doesn't have clear boundaries. And no you should not reach out to her anymore. It will just be an ego boost for her and get you nowhere.

 

Keep your head up and move on. Trust me, women like that aren't worth the headache.

[Purepony]

Brother I'm in the same boat

The one I was seeing (seeing because sense kicked in)

Has

Bad credit

A slut (verified)

Broke (credit card declined for 8 dollars)

2 repossessions

Living with a bf because she can't pay rent

 

Yeah I'm really missing her but long term it's for the best

For you and for her !

Trust yourself on this one

 

The only reason you think you want her is because maybe she makes you feel needed or it's a completely new type of challenging mess !

[Maldives]

Omg comon dude u didn't do anything.

 

This chick's super sensitive and has quiet a bit of baggage. I know its hard especially being a while between finding a connection wth someone but the reason ur probably attracted to her is her issues u kno bad girl kind of syndrome.

She definatly does not hold qualities for a long term gf wth u it shouldn't be that hard. I can imagine if u rolled ur eyes or something like that it's over lol.

 

Better off without her she sounds like too much work and trouble.

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl is a boat-load of boundary-less drama.

 

Don't feel bad and don't bother with her. She has too many orbiters and is too fresh out of a relationship. And she has too few appropriate boundaries.

 

Her "best friend" Drew took a topless picture of her and she thinks that the guy she is dating should be fine with that? Come on. Likewise with her cheating ex being her friend and coming over to her place. She is an attention-seeker and not girlfriend material at this point in her life.

 

Tell your mutual friend to stuff it if she gives you any more grief about not making this Kendra your girlfriend. It's none of her business and clearly, she doesn't grasp the level of drama associated with this girl.

[spiderowl]

Oh dear, this is a mess because she has so much going on. She is having relationships with women as well. While there is nothing wrong with this, it just adds to the number of possible rivals. Not only that, but these women are her friends too and are capable of putting her off you because they have a vested interest in her themselves.

 

Maybe she did want commitment sooner but honestly you are just going to be embroiled in a muddle. You got a sense of how complicated her relationships are. If you are not able to cope with having so many rivals around, she is plainly not the girl for you. She is a free spirit and will choose whoever she likes, whoever she is with. I don't think it's just about her independence here, she is just not right for you.

[todreaminblue]

theres a difference to being friends with exes and a swinger lifestyle where anything goes......she sounds liek a swinger....and maybe she figured out that lifestyle is too wild for you......where she said she didnt want to have sex it woudl confuse things....she was talking about your feelings....you want really one on one relationship and she is more a swinger.......she wouldnt be faithful to you and i would say already hasnt been, if a guy she knows is taking pictures of her topless....you can have male friends....and you can have exes as male friends .....but...you dont put in intimacy or dates or nudity to that equation...and boundaries must be rock solid.......deb

[OnlyHonesty]

Unfortunately, she still doesn't want anything out of me

 

 

What?

 

This is not unfortunate. Why are so many people attracted to unhealthy relationships? This is a pattern I keep on seeing again and again.

 

Men, what you need to do is set yourself some standards, then set clear boundaries. Do not put up with drama, manipulation, bull**** of ANY KIND, and do not keep on inviting unhealthy people into your life.

 

There were more red flags than a China brigade in this forum post and I cannot believe the OP thinks he's the unlucky / unfortunate one because she does not want to be his gf / friend.

 

 

I can only assume that many have unknown and unresolved issues from childhood, perhaps concerning the relationships they had with their parents or other family members.

 

Read through all of the drama, stress, problems, risks and uncertainty this woman brings into your life and then ask yourself WHY you wish she was still in your life. Why?