In Search Of... A FIRST MATE! Now, how to find one. :-/

April 24, 2017

This seems as good as any of a place to inquire about this. So, here's the deal, long story short:

I've had the wanderlust bug for a few years now, and the liveaboard thing (that is, living and traveling aboard a suitable sailing yacht for a period of time) was always at the back of my mind (especially since RV'ing across rural America just doesn't have the same appeal to me as sailing the Caribbean, Latin America, the South Pacific, etc.), and over the course of the last few years I've really decided that it's absolutely, no question whatsoever, what I want to do in the near future! Maybe for one, two, three years, maybe more... I'll play it by ear.

I'm not quiiiiiiiiiiiite there yet, at the moment. I got laid off from a pretty lucrative job last year and I'm trying to get back into something that can feed into my boat money fund, preferably in Florida as it seems the ideal place to really get into sailing beyond reading books and whatnot. But, the goal here is, in the next five years, to get on with the adventure! Hopefully develop some freelance income to help along the way. Anyway, I'm rambling with my backstory.

My main question here is: How do all the adventurers and liveaboards find their respective significant other mates? I really want to give this lifestyle a go, but I think it'll be really lonely and kinda pointless to do it alone. :-( I'm an ambivert myself, and while I cherish some alone time, I definitely need the balance in there. I've held off on a good bit of general travel over the years as it's not really the same alone.

I'm watching all these great, fun YouTuber's doing the sailing-adventure thing, and they've all (no exceptions) got these fantastic ladies, not only along for the ride, but just as enthusiastic about bouncing around for some years over living in an apartment or whatever! Where on Earth do you find someone like that?! I put that out there in life, or on my dating profiles, or whatever, and it's not anything very interesting apparently... to anyone.

Granted (and this is probably a big part of it), I'm stuck in Arizona until I find some work elsewhere, and the average Jane, much like the average Joes here aren't really about much more than buying a tract home and working their way up to middle management positions. I get that it's not a diverse place, despite what r/Phoenix and the Phoenix City-Data forum has to say... so maybe it's just about getting closer to the water. ¯\(°_o)/¯

My close friend, who wants to so the same someday (though has to wait until his kid is old enough), says that it's probably something that shows up after you get a boat. I dunno. What do you all think? Where are all the ladies who love adventure?

Edited April 24, 2017 by The_Thall_Man

April 24, 2017

If you move to Florida or some other place where this lifestyle is common, you will find likeminded people there. Of course, you can't pick someone who has a big career and plans to keep it. Places like the islands and keys, it is very hard to even find a good job there and people just kind of get by.

I will give you a tip I have heard from guys who have been to mariner schools and are licensed to work aboard working vessels. They say it's too much trouble to have your own ship, too expensive, too much work. They have tried it both ways and much prefer charter. Of course, if you are licensed, you can captain the charter (or some charters), but who wants to spend the entire vacation at the wheel? It does give you options though. Any boat owner knows it's a ton of upkeep, so just make a lot of money and maybe get a license, or not, and enjoy a charter you don't have to scrape the barnacles off and pay slip rental and worry about the mechanicals.

If you have a boat, you will meet plenty of people, whether it's a yacht on the ocean or a ski boat on the lake. Good luck.

But if you do ever buy any boat, never buy a new one. They sell used real cheap and are hard to sell, so you can get the best deal by just going around to marinas and looking for "For Sale" signs.

April 24, 2017

I've met a lot of liveaboards.

In my experience, most are either widowed/divorced men who fly solo, or retired, empty-nester couples who always loved sailing.

Their social circles are usually fellow liveaboards and cruisers. Again, mostly older couples.

What people in that lifestyle have in common? They love being alone at sea. And they love the dirty work of owning a sailboat. Plumbing, electrical, engine maintenance, etc.

There's not much social contact, unless you count listening to strangers blabber over the VHF. Friends become pen pals.

If you'd like to get your feet wet in the sailing lifestyle, join a sailing interest club and put yourself up as volunteer crew. There are lots of older couples who cruise, and could use an extra hand for the overnight watches and such. The qualifications are to be a competent sailor and good company.

I think your friend is off-base, by the way. Everyone loves the concept of adventure.

Until you have done some cruising, I would hold off letting your imagination fill in the blanks about what it is like.

April 25, 2017

I will give you a tip I have heard from guys who have been to mariner schools and are licensed to work aboard working vessels. They say it's too much trouble to have your own ship, too expensive, too much work. They have tried it both ways and much prefer charter. Of course, if you are licensed, you can captain the charter (or some charters), but who wants to spend the entire vacation at the wheel? It does give you options though. Any boat owner knows it's a ton of upkeep, so just make a lot of money and maybe get a license, or not, and enjoy a charter you don't have to scrape the barnacles off and pay slip rental and worry about the mechanicals.

I've been researching this stuff for a few years now, and trying to fathom how chartering is cheaper than owning. I get the upkeep thing, but it's something you factor in like owning a house as opposed to renting. Are there charters like a lease? That doesn't sound like great deal, either, because if and when you decide to quit sailing, you've got no equity in anything.

If you have a boat, you will meet plenty of people, whether it's a yacht on the ocean or a ski boat on the lake. Good luck.

Guess that's what I should do then.

But if you do ever buy any boat, never buy a new one. They sell used real cheap and are hard to sell, so you can get the best deal by just going around to marinas and looking for "For Sale" signs.

Like I said, I've been looking at this for a bit. There's a lot a great resources out there these days. You don't want to get anything too old, as the reliability on the new boats have gotten much better. The last few years has been quite the golden age for well-appointed cruising multihulls so there's going to be a lot a great boats on the used market in the next few years.

April 25, 2017

I've met a lot of liveaboards.

In my experience, most are either widowed/divorced men who fly solo, or retired, empty-nester couples who always loved sailing. Their social circles are usually fellow liveaboards and cruisers. Again, mostly older couples.

What people in that lifestyle have in common? They love being alone at sea. And they love the dirty work of owning a sailboat. Plumbing, electrical, engine maintenance, etc. There's not much social contact, unless you count listening to strangers blabber over the VHF. Friends become pen pals.

I don't think the retiree crowd is going to be the place to look for love, ha ha. While it might be nice to have some cruiser friends during the learning curve, it is definitely about the solitude getting away from it all. Heck, I anticipate a pretty large amount of time at anchor, a few months here, a few months there.

From what a lot of the cruisers and liveaboards told me over at r/liveaboard, they found their girlfriends first, and then decided to take off on a boat. It seems to be the case with most of the YouTubers too. I'm not really overt about it, but I do mention that I want to learn to sail and cruise the world in the near future.

If you'd like to get your feet wet in the sailing lifestyle, join a sailing interest club and put yourself up as volunteer crew. There are lots of older couples who cruise, and could use an extra hand for the overnight watches and such. The qualifications are to be a competent sailor and good company.

Until you have done some cruising, I would hold off letting your imagination fill in the blanks about what it is like.

I NEED to get out of Arizona. There's really nothing that accommodates those sorts of things. I'm considering a career change if I have to as finding work in my current profession has been neigh impossible.

I think your friend is off-base, by the way. Everyone loves the concept of adventure.

I think you underestimate how boring people are out here in AZ.

April 25, 2017

Hi there! Once you have your boat and plan in place, you should check out a website called crewbay.com. You can sign up for free and post what kind of crew you are looking for - whether it's a paid crew, amateur crew, or friendship/relationship - and people looking to crew can search for people who need help/companions on their boat.

Hope that helps! Good luck

April 25, 2017

Nobody in Arizona has even seen a body of water so you're going to have a hard time finding someone to sail out to see with you.

I'm still convinced you are looking in all the wrong places.

April 25, 2017

Hi there! Once you have your boat and plan in place, you should check out a website called crewbay.com. You can sign up for free and post what kind of crew you are looking for - whether it's a paid crew, amateur crew, or friendship/relationship - and people looking to crew can search for people who need help/companions on their boat.

Hope that helps! Good luck

Awesome! Thanks for the protip. I'll add it to my bookmarks.

Nobody in Arizona has even seen a body of water so you're going to have a hard time finding someone to sail out to see with you.

Actually, there's a pretty big... "boating" culture here, but it's centered around motorboats/skiing, jet-skis, and party barges (and it a bit too blue collar for my tastes). It usually involves a big truck to drag your watercraft to a lake every time you want to go. I don't think I've ever seen boat with a sail here. People generally don't get what I'm talking about when I say, "I'm looking to get a boat.", to which I have to show them something like this Fountaine-Pajot. Then it's like, "Oh."

I'm still convinced you are looking in all the wrong places.

Well, until someone clues me in on the right ones, I'm going to continue my search. I don't have much hope for here in AZ, so I'm not really going out of my way to meet anyone. The focus is growing my career and getting into something somewhere on the Florida coast.

April 25, 2017

[]

I am positive there are travel-oriented forums up and down the Internet that could steer you in a better direction, including sketching out the logistics of your plan to travel. You meanwhile might have better luck finding people who are into your lifestyle if you lived on the coast though, I suppose.

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic ~6

April 25, 2017

[]
I am positive there are travel-oriented forums that could steer you in a better direction. You might have better luck finding people who are into your lifestyle if you lived on the coast thougg, I suppose.

[]

The cruising and liveaboard forums answered my question the best, I think: Find someone first. I due time, I guess.

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic ~6

April 25, 2017

Awesome! Thanks for the protip. I'll add it to my bookmarks.

Actually, there's a pretty big... "boating" culture here, but it's centered around motorboats/skiing, jet-skis, and party barges (and it a bit too blue collar for my tastes). It usually involves a big truck to drag your watercraft to a lake every time you want to go. I don't think I've ever seen boat with a sail here. People generally don't get what I'm talking about when I say, "I'm looking to get a boat.", to which I have to show them something like this Fountaine-Pajot. Then it's like, "Oh."

Well, until someone clues me in on the right ones, I'm going to continue my search. I don't have much hope for here in AZ, so I'm not really going out of my way to meet anyone. The focus is growing my career and getting into something somewhere on the Florida coast.

Also. Please excuse my typo-- should have been out to sea not out to see.

Lake pleasant is disgusting and not a lake. That doesn't count as boating culture.

I love Arizona. You should stop knocking it so hard, maybe you're giving out the wrong vibes.

April 25, 2017

I love Arizona. You should stop knocking it so hard, maybe you're giving out the wrong vibes.

I'm not so much knocking it as I'm just not finding it a good fit anymore. Socially speaking, it used to be a pretty good place for me. It just hasn't been great shakes since I moved back. ¯\(°_o)/¯ There's great things about AZ, for sure. I don't mind the heat and therefore love the weather here (I don't care for snow and rain), it's pool weather pretty much every day as that's my jam. There's amazing routes to road trip all over the state... in fact, the parts of Arizona I really like are places like Jerome, Sedona, Bisbee, Prescott, etc. Problem is, there's no job market in those places. You can only really just visit.

Like you said, I could just be in all the wrong places, but if no one clues me on on the right ones, nothing is going to change. It would be nice to make some new friends, too. Like I said, I've tried the online dating stuff and no one was really interested, Meetups have been a bust, networking through work didn't have any options. I'm past worrying about it though. My eye is on relocation at the moment.

Edited April 25, 2017 by The_Thall_Man

April 25, 2017

Seems to me that you might be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. I think you'll have to build a relationship and see whether it stands up to stress and the test of time. Make the decision together to live on a sailboat. Or, conversely, just realize your personal dream. When you are actually living it, you will meet women and other people who share your appreciation of that lifestyle.

As of now, you apparently are an unemployed guy living in Arizona who has a dream of owning a very fancy yacht and traveling the world on it with a partner. That's cool, man, but you're going to have to get either the boat or the relationship established first. You won't find a woman from where you're at now who is going to get together with you with the goal of working towards your unrealized dream. They have dreams of their own. If they're adults living in Arizona, residing on a boat is probably not among them.

April 25, 2017

From what a lot of the cruisers and liveaboards told me over at r/liveaboard, they found their girlfriends first, and then decided to take off on a boat. It seems to be the case with most of the YouTubers too. I'm not really overt about it, but I do mention that I want to learn to sail and cruise the world in the near future.

Yeah, to have a gf you need to get very close to someone. Doing that - while being traditionally unavailable - is going to be hard. It's not something most younger people are ok with doing. That doesn't make them boring, just normal.

If a girl is living on your boat, she's not seeing her friends anymore, she's quitting her job, she's going to be sticky all the time.... you need to be "partners in crime", and finding one of those while already off the grid is a daunting proposition.

I don't think the retiree crowd is going to be the place to look for love, ha ha. While it might be nice to have some cruiser friends during the learning curve, it is definitely about the solitude getting away from it all. Heck, I anticipate a pretty large amount of time at anchor, a few months here, a few months there.

I think if you get around to this dream, you'll want to network very aggressively among other cruisers. And yeah they'll generally be older. Not to look for love, just to have a social life. Being able to run into people you know in ports is pleasant.

A good way is to find a message board/mailing list of other people who have the boat you do. That gives you a resource for repairs, maintenance, troubleshooting, and improvement ideas, and you'll also be able to network with like minded folks.

Not trying to throw cold water on your dream btw, I think it's awesome. Just trying to add some perspective about what that lifestyle is like.

I NEED to get out of Arizona. There's really nothing that accommodates those sorts of things. I'm considering a career change if I have to as finding work in my current profession has been neigh impossible.

I think you underestimate how boring people are out here in AZ.

I've been to Arizona once and I hated it, to be honest. Very sterile. Hope the career change works out for you!

April 26, 2017

Seems to me that you might be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. I think you'll have to build a relationship and see whether it stands up to stress and the test of time. Make the decision together to live on a sailboat. Or, conversely, just realize your personal dream. When you are actually living it, you will meet women and other people who share your appreciation of that lifestyle.

As of now, you apparently are an unemployed guy living in Arizona who has a dream of owning a very fancy yacht and traveling the world on it with a partner. That's cool, man, but you're going to have to get either the boat or the relationship established first. You won't find a woman from where you're at now who is going to get together with you with the goal of working towards your unrealized dream. They have dreams of their own. If they're adults living in Arizona, residing on a boat is probably not among them.

Yeah, I'm an overthinker to an extent and probably way ahead of myself. Now that I've gotten some feedback, its not anything that's on my mind. Actually, if I think about it, ANY of my girlfriends in the past would be completely on board with something like this. I don't know why it would be any different in the future. Just got to find the right people in the process.

I don't know why I was so worried about it. Been around too many stuffy people lately, I guess. Not my thing.

April 26, 2017

[]
The cruising and liveaboard forums answered my question the best, I think: Find someone first. I due time, I guess.

Their advice was for you to put your dream on hold until you find a partner? That sounds counter-intuitive as f.

April 26, 2017

Their advice was for you to put your dream on hold until you find a partner? That sounds counter-intuitive as f.

My thoughts exactly. Forgive me if this question has already been answered, but I am wondering...OP, do you even **know how** to sail, and for that matter, sail on the ocean? I mean, I am getting the impression that you've been landlocked all this time, so I'm not seeing where you would have even gotten the chance to learn.

If not, I think your next step would be to learn how to sail on open water first. Otherwise your plan will just sound to a woman (and everyone else) like a bunch of wishful thinking on your part, frankly. You won't learn how to sail by only *reading about it*.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Imajerk17

April 27, 2017

My divorce was in 2006. At around the 2008 mark was the time I really got back to living my life as my own.

In 2009 or '10 I bought a 56' Hatteras that was located on the Great Lakes (Detroit). It's not a boat that can be towed over land. So, I brought it around Michigan, down the Illinois River, the Mississippi and the Tennessee to my home. Women came out of the woodwork.

It wasn't 3 months after I got it home that I met a woman....we dated exclusively for 6 to 7 years. Our dating pretty much revolved around the boat. It's hard, when there's a boat to be on, to find much to top that as far as relaxation goes. Something about boats. They encourage a relaxing of inhibitions. Hard to not enjoy being on a boat.

Even though I still had my home, I lived on it most of the time. I sold it when we broke up.

My experience has been....when I've gone on with what I wanted in life, the girl has shown up. Maybe my experience is different from the main.

You're on target about it not being something to do alone. Luckily...lol I'm more of a loner type of guy anyway so I didn't mind it so much. You'll never run out of anything to do maintaining a boat.

The best things in my life weren't planned. (and neither were the worst!)

Chase your dreams

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