Fruit Jello Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 I've been dating this guy for 9 months and it has all been fantastic, we get along just great and never fight. We spend real quality time together at each others houses and we also go out a lot together. He says he loves spending time with me, he says i am his perfect woman, he says he thinks we are very compatible. He tells me he never thought he'd end up being with me and that he can't believe i am with him. He seems surprised when i say i also love being with him and he always asks if i really mean it. He refers to me as his girlfriend and recently, like the last 2 months, he has been spending a lot more time at my place and calling me lots more too. But then suddenly a week ago he said (like totally out of nowhere) that he didn't realise he'd end up liking me so much and he wasn't sure if he could do the whole relationship thing cuz he was scared he'd get hurt. Then he said he really did like me a whole load and that i make him very happy and that he didn't want anyone else and that he was real worried i would break up with him. I haven't given him any signals at all that i want to break up with him! I think he's the most amazing man i've ever met and i tell him that a lot, i tell him i love being with him and that he makes me very happy too. Then he just went on to talk like we always do and he asked if he could come over a couple times next week like always. He isn't usually insecure or clingy or dependant, in fact most of the time he's very confident. I just don't get it why he seems so surprised that his "dream girl" also thinks he is her "dream guy". And i so don't get it that even though i really want the whole relationship thing with him he is worried about getting hurt. I've told him i want to be with him! Someone said my b/f could be freaked cuz he's falling in love with me. But someone else said he could be making an excuse NOT to do the whole serious relationship thing with me. Help!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 I'm more inclined to think that he's scared not of what he's feeling, but at what he's not feeling for you at this point in the relationship. When the pace of the relationship starts out-running the emotions that the man puts into it, then he will back off and say stuff like "I need space" or "I'm scared" - when really its a matter of "I don't have the emotional investment to match the pace at which this relationship is growing." That would explain why he backed off, but still wanted to see you a few times a week. I guess he likes the relationship best when its at a more casual level: one that matches how he feels for you. He may catch up to you emotionally, or he may not - but he's making it pretty clear that his comfort level in the relationship is pretty much right where it is, or even taking a step or two backward. Should you try to take it past his comfort level, or discuss the 'future of our relationship' he may well end up needing "space" in addition to the "I'm scared" he's already giving you.
Fruit Jello Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Yes, i could see your point there if it was me always asking to see him but it's not! It is HIM who has set the pace all through our relationship. We spend time together cuz HE says he wants to see me, he always asks to see me or come to my house or go out someplace before i get a chance to ask him! HE is always the first to send a text message or to ring. HE is always the first to tell me how much he likes me, he's not saying this stuff cuz i ask him if he likes me, he just does it. And i've not gone all mushy over him like telling him i love him all the time or stuff like that, i just say the things he says to me are mutual feelings. If the pace of our relationship is too fast for him, why did he set it at that pace, and why does he seem to be speeding that pace up!!!!
Zephyr45 Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Hmm, how about this- Maybe he's afraid of long term commitment and what that leads to? Maybe he's sorta lying about getting hurt and the truth is that as much as he really likes you, maybe he's scared of the idea with being with you exclusively forever. Maybe he's still wanting to experience other women/relationships and he's not just caught surprised and a little confused that he's stuck in the middle of one that is really working. One big factor may be how old he is and how "experienced" he is. This is a complete shot in the dark, but it's what came to mind as a possibility. I could be way off.
Fruit Jello Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 We are both in our 30's and we have both had short and long term relationships in the past.
Mary3 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 He sounds like he is carrying past issues of insecurity with statements such as : " I Cant believe you want to be with me." " I just know you want to break up with me." He's likely been hurt before and does not want to feel that pain again and puts up a wall. He needs help with his issues.
JulianSC Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 im with mary on this one, those phrase are all for him to retouch what you feel for him. he feels scared that you might not feel like you say, perhaps someone has said the same before or multiple people to him and they didnt mean it. he probably is afraid of being hurt. talk to him about it specifically and assure him. tell him he can trust you. he also might need help with past issues, specifically confidence. i hope this helps
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