xaviercross Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 Hello, I was hoping for some advice... I've (29) been seeing a guy (27) for about two months now. He lives with his ex-girlfriend because they own a house together. To me that was a red flag and I did ask him about it. He told me it had been an on/off relationship for two years that was over. They lived in separate bedrooms. I trusted this and didn't really push for more information, figuring he was an adult and it would work out over time. Three weeks into us hanging out we slept together. Now nine weeks into it, we talked about how serious we were getting. I asked him if his ex-girlfriend knew that he was dating. He had mentioned that she had asked him to try counselling, so it seemed to me that the relationship wasn't as over as he had portrayed. Then he casually told me that he had slept with her, and I worked out it was the weekend following us sleeping together for the first time. This shocked me and unfortunately I didn't allow him to continue so I don't know the extent of it. He saw my shock and went into justifying/explaining mode and said he was drunk at the time and we weren't really seeing eachother. He said it was before he had gotten to really know me and care about me. I told him this was a dealbreaker for me and that I would not have got involved with him if I thought they were not completely done. I don't know why he even told me if it didn't mean anything to him, because how could I continue knowing that and them still living together??? Also, I feel like it shows his lack of respect for his ex who doesn't seem over it. I have now unfriended him on FB and blocked him on messenger. He could still hypothetically contact me on the phone. So now I'm having doubts. We were in contact every day on messenger, although we saw eachother maybe once or twice a week due to his work and because we couldn't have a normal relationship like hang out at his place. He was really sweet, listening and asking how my day was and always said the right things and was full of compliments. I understand how it could happen with his ex, there's always that comfort and left-over feelings and I even saw my ex at the start, kissed him, and almost went back to it...but I didn't because I knew where that would take me and wanted to give this new thing a chance. So I can understand his point of view. I feel like I did the right thing in not making out like it was nothing but I'm so shocked and dismayed as I thought he was a good guy and was starting to fall for him. I feel like I gave the indication that there was no hope for our relationship to continue and he is probably be scared to get in contact. So what do you think? Is this guy worth getting in touch with or should I just leave it? Our relationship had its issues in that I'm living in his country and have been umming and ahhing about going home in a few months time. So it might be easier to let it die...He had wanted me to stay but seeing him as little as I did was making it hard to get to know him and whether he was worth staying for... I feel so confused!
neowulf Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 I feel so confused! Better question for you. Why do you think so little of yourself that you'd even consider settling for a man who happily bangs his ex while supposedly "pursuing you". Why are you making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour? You don't need the drama. The worlds a big place, with loads of healthy, respectful, attractive men in it. Don't waste another thought on this guy. Go out and find a fresh start with a man who's got his sights set on you and *only* you. 1
BaileyB Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 You ask the question, "deal breaker?" - with a question mark? Like you are unsure? Well... Yes, it would an absolute deal breaker for me. 1
Poutrew Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 He told you because that was not the only time. Affairs and meetups are like cockroaches, for every one you see, there are 10 behind the wall you can't. He was / is happily banging two girls for the price of one. Yeah, you did the right thing.
Kitchen Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 It all depends on your morals and values. You technically weren't "exclusive" so he can do what he wants, and so you shouldn't let that get in the way...is what some people would say. For me it would be a deal breaker as it goes against my values. I recently had something very similar happen in which we weren't exclusive but she expressed very strong feelings for me...and then did the exact same thing to and ****ed someone else. Went against my values. I would never do that to anyone, unless it's purely physical and agreed on. To be honest, the fact that he was living with his ex should have stopped you, but it's understandable that you wanted to give him a benefit of a doubt. I fully believe people should have bare minimal to no contact with ex's, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is trying to have their cake and eat it too. Best of luck, you seem like a sweetheart.
fred123 Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 But u kissed your ex when u were meant to be dating him? Does he even know? Thats a dealbraker for me. You are just as bad
Kitchen Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 But u kissed your ex when u were meant to be dating him? Does he even know? Thats a dealbraker for me. You are just as bad Oh I missed that part. Ok so you guys are the same. Kissing, sex, whatever, same thing. Cheating is cheating, and if it's not cheating on your part than neither is it on his. Still I can understand why it hurts, but it'll probably hurt for him too when he finds out what you did.
mikeylo Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 Why are you dating each other ? Are you even dating ?
d0nnivain Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 His living arrangements alone would have been a deal breaker for me. If part of us being intimate was the assurance that we were exclusive then him sleeping with somebody else would cause me to end the relationship. Again the proximity of this woman under the same roof indicates that this behavior is likely to be repeated. I certainly couldn't go to his house & make small talk with her. However, if you are saying that you feel just as unfaithful, you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 Oh, come on! IT IS A ONE AND DONE! He is living with his ex and continues to have sex with her. RED FLAGS ARE FLAPPING AND SMACKING YOU IN THE FACE! Find more respect for yourself and find someone you can have a healthy, with proper boundaries, relationship with. AND stay away from YOUR ex! Frankly, neither of you sound good for a healthy relationship.
Lilyana76 Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 Still living with ex to me usually means they haven't moved on from the relationship yet, I wouldn't have given him the time of day after knowing that little tidbit. You should run far and fast, and never talk to him again. And then maybe take some time to work on you, so you don't jump into something with someone that isn't ready again. Use that time, make sure YOU are ready as well. Best of luck.
Author xaviercross Posted April 24, 2017 Author Posted April 24, 2017 Thank you all for your replies, even the harsher ones. Your perspectives are really appreciated and in reality I think neither one of us was ready for this.. I did think that at the start and wanted to take it much slower but it turned into a whirlwind. I know I'm getting better at setting boundaries but obviously I need to learn from this and improve. Thanks 1
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