"gf" has come out of an abusive relationship... what do i do?

[markoutsis]

This is my first time posting on here and i'm hoping that I do find some useful advice as I feel truly lost on this one...

 

I recently met this woman (29) - I'm 34 - who shares a similar background in terms of family values and experiences (schooling etc). We hit it off almost immediately and opened up to each other really fast which is something I don't do but it felt right. She sought me out and made time for me in her busy life and I reciprocated. We spent hours talking and hanging out with each other and it all looked good; she would constantly make compliments and tell me how sweet and cute I am etc. She went to Europe for 2 weeks and we texted every day, she kept telling me how she missed me and looked at my picture while we were apart so that she doesn't forget my face. Mind you this is all happening within the 1st month of meeting up so I'm cautious of the whole thing but happy nonetheless since I've been single for almost 5 years now and have so much to give just haven't found the right person.

 

During the time that we saw each other she did mention that she had just come out of a failed marriage about 1.5yrs ago (marriage lasted 2yrs) and had dated one person after that who she broke it off with because he apparently wasn't clean and tidy (i.e. there were water stains on his bathroom mirror... seriously???). All this made me question what i'm getting myself into but I believe that people should get a fair chance to prove themselves so I did commit those comments to memory but decided to give it more time. I also found out that her ex husband was quite abusive, a cheater, likely assaulted her and according to sources, he threatened her at gun point a few times... She never mentioned details and I did not ask - I thought she'd share when ready.

 

Earlier last week, she was so excited to see me and really wanted to spend the night with me at my place which we did (Monday). She was really affectionate but made a comment around her needing a bit more time... I thought she was just tired as she was jet-lagged from a trip and just wanted to rest and cuddle instead of doing more which i respected. She slept in my arms most of the night. We spoke a bit the day after, then all of a sudden on Wednesday afternoon i texted to see how things were and got a blanket "I'm sorry but have to follow my instinct... can't keep hanging out the way we have... it doesn't feel right for me. Really, really sorry, wish you all the best." Within 24hrs her behavior went from a 10 to a 0...

 

Here's my theory: I don't think I did something wrong. She has apparent trust issues and is terrified of being vulnerable again for fear of being hurt. When she feels she is becoming attached she just seeks an excuse to sabotage the relationship. Thoughts?

Next steps: I sent her a note explaining my position, how I see her, the qualities in her that I admire and that I don't want to give up on what we started unless she explicitly asks me to back off. This was last night and I haven't received an answer yet. At least I haven't received a negative answer.

 

I really do want to work on this, gain her trust so and be in a relationship because she is a genuinely good person that has been unlucky in the past. We all pick up scars in life and the worst thing you can do as a result is become permanently unavailable to love- that's like going to hell.

 

Any advice for me? What should I do? Not do? When should I do it?

 

Thank you in advance!

[ChatroomHero]

I would place a bet on the fact that in her last relationships she was the abusive one, if anyone was.

 

 

You sit there and think, "Gosh, this poor girl She only needs to see how well I will take care of her. She just needs to see how I am not like her exes and I am a good guy". The reality of it is if you talked to her exes, they would probably tell you to run. They would probably tell you a different story about how she constantly complained for 6 months about water stains on their mirror when it happened only once because their niece was over and brushed her teeth right before she went in there. They'd probably tell you how everything seemed great and then she went from 10-0 one day.

 

 

For someone to go from 10-0 that quick, I bet her exes would have a lot to say about her that if you heard their side of the story the "abuse" angle wouldn't make sense. Most every girl I ever dated, in their last relationships they were "abused" according to them. Generally they just fought and after a while I was able to correctly predict what they fought about. I found much of the time I agreed with their exes. Stories I heard from friends familiar with their exes confirmed the garbage she did to me, was the same things she did to them and the source of the "abuse".

 

 

You do understand when she meets her next bf, you will probably become a story of an "abusive" ex too right?

 

 

You want to justify her behavior of not being happy with you by thinking she won't allow herself to be happy, you would be the best thing for her but because of abuse she doesn't understand it because she was so "abused". Women are not helpless creatures so destroyed by "abuse" that they cannot accept a good man and do not know how to be happy. More likely she is not a great partner, not a good match and she very well knows it. You probably shouldn't try to assume you know what makes her happy more than she does.

 

 

Move on, she is a waste of time. I wouldn't try to rationalize it as you are her soulmate if only you can get through her guard and make her realize what she wants. She knows what she wants and she told you pretty clearly. The faster you accept that, the faster you can move on.

[forgiven1]

I've been in abusive relationships and it does take a lot to trust again.. I suggest taking it slow and suggest counseling for the young lady-as it does take a lot to work though those past issuses.... praying for wisdom and for her healing.

[markoutsis]

Thank you all. I hope she figures it out and ends up happy. There are too many variables known and unknown so trying to figure it out confuses me even further. I wished her the best, and offered my support as a friend if she needs it. At least i made my position clear and got whatever i had to say off my chest. Such is life my friends...

[spiderowl]

She sounds a confusing mess. Really, there are a few red flags.

 

The bathroom mirror? Bizarre and a very poor reason for dumping someone. She may be OCD or just not rational.

 

Abusive relationship may be absolutely true - no-one can know. Having met a few people who have lied about their lives and the way they have been treated (men mistreated by their ex's, when in fact they had cheated on the ex's), I would have listened and learned before deciding what to think.

 

Suddenly dumping you like that. Again, very strange behaviour. She could have lost interest but she seems very erratic. I would not be surprised if she turned up again in the near future full of apologies.

 

Be very wary of this woman, it sounds like she is capable of some very strange behaviour. I would not try and get her back because people run when chased. If you really do want her back (and I'm not convinced it is a good idea), then leave her to think about what she is doing. Trying to persuade her will turn her off.

[Jiveballer]

It seems like you are lucky that an emotionally unstable girl dumped you rather than manipulate you into a long hell of a relationship.

[Chilli]

So true about the abuse card a lot of women almost just have the carpet rolled out by playing that one but there's 2 sides to every story, right.

 

l'm thinking whatever she is or isn't though, it was just too soon and she jumped in too fast , woke up one day , panicked and ended it.

But l wouldn't be surprised if you hear from her again later either.

[aurelius99]

Many people claim they've been "abused". Wait until you actually have substantial evidence. In fact, it's oftentimes the people who claim they've been abused that were the abusers themselves. My ex wife tried to tell the judge that not only was I "cruel", but I also "hit" her. I never so much as laid a finger on her. The ironic part is that SHE was arrested for assaulting ME with a blunt object to the point of leaving bruises on me. Go figure. So do yourself a favor and remain neutral about your gf's claims until you have evidence.

[SevenCity]

This girl has shown she is emotionally unstable and allows her emotions to dictate her actions all within a month and change.

 

Consider it a win as you did not spend, nay, waste, more of your life with her.

 

It is not your job to fix someone - nor can you hope to do so. I understand it's hard after being alone for 5 years and finally finding a girl who ticked the right boxes, but you have to keep looking. She ain't it.

[Miss Peach]

According to Lundy Bancroft (who is considered an expert in abuse dynamics and has many books), women who claim abuse are usually real. So if a woman claims it I would take it as more likely to be true than not. But unless she's done work, she's probably still attracted to that dynamic. Even if it's not abuse, she'll probably be attracted to that push/pull dynamic.

 

There is often a codependent dance in there. So many of the women either are very clingy or very scared to get hurt when they come out of it. So you theory about her not being willing to be vulnerable may partly be true. But I also suspect she might not have done the work and is still not able to be attracted to a healthy, more stable person.

 

Many women I know who went through something similar are pretty mistrusting of men.

 

I left some men who were more verbally and emotionally abusive and it's a tough pattern to break but it can be done if someone really wants to.