Holiday booked

April 24, 2017

You need to send him a text ending this - right now.

For his sake, yes!

April 24, 2017

The problem is not him, it's you.

I'm sorry to say that your expectations are really unrealistic. You've had two dates with this guy - you are still virtual strangers and to his credit, he just wants to stay in touch while on holiday.

If you don't want him to text you, live your life and tell him to send you a text when he gets home. If you don't like his texts, you certainly don't have to text him back. And, you certainly don't have any right to expect anything more from the guy... commenting it's not much effort to send some texts from the beach. It's only been two dates...

Have you talked with a counsellor?

April 24, 2017

He jokingly offered to take me, but because we had previously discussed indirectly that I'm staying celibate until marriage I think he knew this wasn't appropriate.

I seem to find fault in anyone that is interested in me at the 3/4 date stage. Its unfair to him.

I think I'm either set in my ways or deep down not wanting the montomy of a marriage. I just don't think marriage is romantic or fun.

You shouldn't be dating anyone then.

It's par for the course that a person who is interested in you enough to date you is going to like you.

Do you feel love when you're being treated badly? That's what you associate with love?

If so, you need to quit dating

April 24, 2017

I'm angry that he booked a long holiday very soon into us meeting. He chose to do that.

Your vibe is probably more palatable than you appreciate.

If I was dealing with someone seething, I'd book a holiday, too.

April 24, 2017

He is now on holiday and sending lots of photos every day. I find this very irritating. Also SMS ing from there. Its really annoying as I'm not there and it's not my holiday. He expects a reaction from his photos (of scenery).

You can't imagine he would decide to take a holiday 2 dates in? You're unhappy with your own life so god forbid someone takes the attention off you and goes out there and enjoys themselves. Take a vacation of your own or do whatever it is that makes you happy. Why is there dependence on him so soon?

I told him before I'm not into virtual relationships.

Virtual? He's on vacation. This isn't permanent.

I feel irritated that after leading me on he booked a long holiday and expects to carry on dating on his return.

He didn't lead you on. He went on vacation. Good lord.

I cannot say anything while he is on holiday but why should I wait around his holiday schedule? The photos need to stop as well.

You don't need to wait around. You can still live your life contently and enjoy what you have with him. Why does it have to be this or that? Sounds like it must be your way, which sounds very unreasonable and demanding. It sounds like bitterness.

April 26, 2017

I don't begrudge him a holiday, I just think a long gap in presence (face to face) creates distance. He isn't getting the message. I have replied late at night to his SMS with very offhand comments like / nice pic.

I'm not sure why he would overstate his holiday with me so soon and then I get ??? When I do my reply to the sms.

I'm not saying anything horrible to him as I don't want to spoil his holiday.

When he returns I will say that sharing the pics was nice for the first few then it became excessive. Photos & SMS are not a relationship. He has ruined it.

He chose to book a holiday knowing it would create a massive gap and now wants a beautiful woman waiting on his return.

April 26, 2017

I don't begrudge him a holiday, I just think a long gap in presence (face to face) creates distance. He isn't getting the message. I have replied late at night to his SMS with very offhand comments like / nice pic.

You had two dates. He's allowed to do whatever he wants. There are no demands. And you are allowed to do whatever you want and that is living your life and keeping him in the background until he gets back. Yes, there is distance but he is trying to bridge that gap by keeping in communication. But that's not good enough for you because it has to be on your terms. He doesn't owe you anything nor should you feel entitled.

When he returns I will say that sharing the pics was nice for the first few then it became excessive. Photos & SMS are not a relationship. He has ruined it.

2 dates is not a relationship. You need to really reframe your way of thinking and this rigidness that you seem to latch onto -- it could be your own way of self-sabotaging.

He chose to book a holiday knowing it would create a massive gap and now wants a beautiful woman waiting on his return.

The "massive gap" you've created in your brain is your own insecurities. It's your dependence. It's your own dysfunction. It has nothing to do with him.

Get over yourself, OP. If all this is bugging you so much, then let him go. No need to keep griping about it. Go out there and date other people that have to stay put until you decide it's okay for them to step away from your radius.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Zahara

April 26, 2017

It really sounds to me like you don't even want a relationship. You are certainly jeopardizing this one of exactly two dates over nothing. Two dates counts for nothing. I feel you are really just finding a reason to not continue dating. If you don't want to marry, then don't. If you don't want to date men, then don't.
If you don't want to have sex, then don't. If you just don't have it all figured out, then that's fine. Relax until you figure out what you want or maybe talk to a therapist if you don't have someone you trust to talk it through with or just need someone that can be objective and doesn't know you and won't judge.

I value my freedom and I don't think marriage allows for this. I think I'm trying to fit into society's expectations and not my own. I also think this guy ticks the boxes and is making an effort but ultimately by booking a long haul holiday he has pretty much indirectly indicated his timescale is different to mine. I should be happy with him but I just feel like all this effort he is making is a front. He went out & brought clothes to wear on the dates as he is ususlly too casual. Is this effort going to turn into resentment when he doesn't get a return? He also started going to the gym since seeing me, again too much.

April 26, 2017

You had two dates. He's allowed to do whatever he wants. There are no demands. And you are allowed to do whatever you want and that is living your life and keeping him in the background until he gets back. Yes, there is distance but he is trying to bridge that gap by keeping in communication. But that's not good enough for you because it has to be on your terms. He doesn't owe you anything nor should you feel entitled.

2 dates is not a relationship. You need to really reframe your way of thinking and this rigidness that you seem to latch onto -- it could be your own way of self-sabotaging.

The "massive gap" you've created in your brain is your own insecurities. It's your dependence. It's your own dysfunction. It has nothing to do with him.

Get over yourself, OP. If all this is bugging you so much, then let him go. No need to keep griping about it. Go out there and date other people that have to stay put until you decide it's okay for them to step away from your radius.

This is it, you have pointed out how unreasonable my thinking is. He doesn't stand a chance. I'm

Not sure why I have a case against him for dating to like me.

April 26, 2017

I value my freedom and I don't think marriage allows for this. I think I'm trying to fit into society's expectations and not my own. I also think this guy ticks the boxes and is making an effort but ultimately by booking a long haul holiday he has pretty much indirectly indicated his timescale is different to mine. I should be happy with him but I just feel like all this effort he is making is a front. He went out & brought clothes to wear on the dates as he is ususlly too casual. Is this effort going to turn into resentment when he doesn't get a return? He also started going to the gym since seeing me, again too much.

Then stop dealing with him.

Problem solved.

Or is it you need something to complain about?

April 26, 2017

This is it, you have pointed out how unreasonable my thinking is. He doesn't stand a chance. I'm
Not sure why I have a case against him for dating to like me.

*daring to like me

April 26, 2017

Wow. The concept of a woman going off like this because of a man taking a long vacation after 2 promising dates is making me a little paranoid about putting myself back into the dating pool.

OP, vacation or not, there is no way you are going to have a satisfactory relationship with this man or another one unless you figure out how to change your attitude and approach to dating.

What are your expectations out of a relationship? What would a good relationship look like to you?

April 26, 2017

Wow. The concept of a woman going off like this because of a man taking a long vacation after 2 promising dates is making me a little paranoid about putting myself back into the dating pool.

OP, vacation or not, there is no way you are going to have a satisfactory relationship with this man or another one unless you figure out how to change your attitude and approach to dating.

What are your expectations out of a relationship? What would a good relationship look like to you?

I have never had a good relationship. The last one was a long time ago and the guy lied to me and was married all along. I have never been able to trust again. I'm still using my username with this one, I cannot even tell him my real name. I just want to remain free and anonymous.

April 26, 2017

I have never had a good relationship. The last one was a long time ago and the guy lied to me and was married all along. I have never been able to trust again. I'm still using my username with this one, I cannot even tell him my real name. I just want to remain free and anonymous.

You took a page outta my book Nothing wrong with keeping 'em guessing. I say let them prove themselves worthy of the goods.

April 26, 2017

I have never had a good relationship. The last one was a long time ago and the guy lied to me and was married all along. I have never been able to trust again. I'm still using my username with this one, I cannot even tell him my real name. I just want to remain free and anonymous.

Then why are you dating? Why do you have all these demands of others when you have no ability to be transparent and vulnerable? How can you form any sort of relationship with anyone if you have all these walls up? If anything, as I said you'll just keep self-sabotaging because you function on fear.

You call this a relationship but he doesn't even know your name? How ludicrous is that?

If you cannot trust, then you shouldn't be dating. I understand being fearful after being hurt so many times but as I have said way back when you first started posting on LS, work on yourself. Give yourself time to heal, to rebuild, to attain a level of confidence and self-awareness. You'll be able to have stronger boundaries, a healthier perspective and be more intuitive when you are out there in the dating world.

Dating is a risk. Relationships are a risk. There is no other way around it.

April 26, 2017

I have never had a good relationship. The last one was a long time ago and the guy lied to me and was married all along. I have never been able to trust again. I'm still using my username with this one, I cannot even tell him my real name. I just want to remain free and anonymous.

You need a therapist more then you need a boyfriend or relationship. The self-loathing and bitterness have got you chained to unrealistic expectations and behavior. Nothing is going to work until you find the key to unlock those chains.

April 26, 2017

I value my freedom and I don't think marriage allows for this. I think I'm trying to fit into society's expectations and not my own. I also think this guy ticks the boxes and is making an effort but ultimately by booking a long haul holiday he has pretty much indirectly indicated his timescale is different to mine. I should be happy with him but I just feel like all this effort he is making is a front. He went out & brought clothes to wear on the dates as he is ususlly too casual. Is this effort going to turn into resentment when he doesn't get a return? He also started going to the gym since seeing me, again too much.

I say this as kindly as possible... But I think you have two big problems.

1. A sense of entitlement - two months does not make a relationship. He owes you nothing at this point and you have no right to expect anything of this man or to be angry/upset over the fact that he does or does not send you photos while he is on vacation.

2. A lack of direct communication. If you don't want him to text you photos, tell him "enjoy your holiday. Let's talk when you get home."

Not to mention, trust issues and strange thoughts about what marriage means related to independence and physical intimacy. And, very high expectations. I have a strong feeling that some of this is related to culture, but it doesn't make dating any easier for you... If possible, go and talk to a COUNSELLOR! Dating and marriage shouldn't be this hard...

April 26, 2017

Then why are you dating? Why do you have all these demands of others when you have no ability to be transparent and vulnerable? How can you form any sort of relationship with anyone if you have all these walls up? If anything, as I said you'll just keep self-sabotaging because you function on fear.

You call this a relationship but he doesn't even know your name? How ludicrous is that?

If you cannot trust, then you shouldn't be dating. I understand being fearful after being hurt so many times but as I have said way back when you first started posting on LS, work on yourself. Give yourself time to heal, to rebuild, to attain a level of confidence and self-awareness. You'll be able to have stronger boundaries, a healthier perspective and be more intuitive when you are out there in the dating world.

Dating is a risk. Relationships are a risk. There is no other way around it.

I'm dating because I don't want to be alone. I have anxiety attacks because I'm

Alone too often. Yet, I don't want him to know my name because in the past people have googled my name and got info about where I work etc which is annoying.

I'm

Uncomfortable with his suggestions to do outdoor stuff on dates. I find it vulgar.

April 26, 2017

I say this as kindly as possible... But I think you have two big problems.

1. A sense of entitlement - two months does not make a relationship. He owes you nothing at this point and you have no right to expect anything of this man or to be angry/upset over the fact that he does or does not send you photos while he is on vacation.

2. A lack of direct communication. If you don't want him to text you photos, tell him "enjoy your holiday. Let's talk when you get home."

Not to mention, trust issues and strange thoughts about what marriage means related to independence and physical intimacy. And, very high expectations. I have a strong feeling that some of this is related to culture, but it doesn't make dating any easier for you... If possible, go and talk to a COUNSELLOR! Dating and marriage shouldn't be this hard...

2 dates and a lot of talk. Long dates. Nowadays you can get to know someone pretty well quickly due to communications.

I don't want an ongoing physical relationship with anyone, because I have never had this. I'm not sure how to transition,

April 26, 2017

I'm dating because I don't want to be alone. I have anxiety attacks because I'm
Alone too often. Yet, I don't want him to know my name because in the past people have googled my name and got info about where I work etc which is annoying.

This is not healthy - if you want a relationship, you are going to have to trust someone enough to tell them your name. Among other things... You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person and take the risk...

You are obviously not able to do this. So, you put your guard up, try to control every interaction, set unrealistic expectations, and then get upset when things don't go the way you think they should go/when he doesn't do what you "think" he should do...

You need a therapist way more than you need a date! And, forcing yourself to date because you are scared to be alone is the worst reason to start a relationship - it's bound to fail because you are not coming from a healthy place.

Give yourself a huge gift - and find a good counsellor. It is the single best thing you can do to acheive your dating goals. Good luck to you.

Edited April 26, 2017 by BaileyB

April 26, 2017

2 dates and a lot of talk. Long dates. Nowadays you can get to know someone pretty well quickly due to communications,

You are not serious. After two dates, this person is a stranger to you. Perhaps, an aquaintence. It's far from a relationship.

April 26, 2017

I wouldn't advise Op to disclose her name or address to a perfect stranger. Op, I've never shared my name/address until at least the fourth or fifth month of knowing the person and that's after I have all the deets on on them in case I have to take legal action.

I've been stalked repeatedly by different men and let me tell you it's no fun especially if you have children or live alone. OLD can be very dangerous and you have to protect yourself by any means necessary.

April 26, 2017

You must be a real joy to date.

I dont think you'll have to worry about him much longer. Probably when he comes back you'll be so sh&&ty to him, he wont stay around anyway. Dont know why he would.

April 27, 2017

I'm dating because I don't want to be alone. I have anxiety attacks because I'm
Alone too often. Yet, I don't want him to know my name because in the past people have googled my name and got info about where I work etc which is annoying.

I'm
Uncomfortable with his suggestions to do outdoor stuff on dates. I find it vulgar.

Unfortunately, until you fix your inability to be comfortable in your own skin, you'll keep repeating your dysfunctional behaviors. You need therapy rather than a relationship. The latter will never work until you fix you.

If you can't give your name then don't expect much from others either -- you can't claim to be in a relationship if you don't trust the person enough to even give them your first name.

Outdoor dates are vulgar? What would be an ideal date for you then?

April 27, 2017

I wouldn't advise Op to disclose her name or address to a perfect stranger. Op, I've never shared my name/address until at least the fourth or fifth month of knowing the person and that's after I have all the deets on on them in case I have to take legal action.

That's reasonable. The OP seems to feel that the guy in question owes her the same consideration that one does a relationship partner, yet she feels that she needs to withhold her name? Does not compute.

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