KylieBrownson Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 I need some advice before I go out of my mind. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months. 3 days ago we had a little fight. All around together we've had about 5 fights, nothing serious. We have a good, understanding relationship and we are normally "THAT COUPLE" that makes everyone sick because you can see how we love each other very much. I think the world of him and he's like no other guy I've been with in a way with how he treats me like a lady and he is a man, not a boy. Whenever we are around people they normally pick up on it and say how much we are good for each other and how we are the "perfect couple". This whole thing started off with me noticing he had been distant, he had been quiet, not himself, and his reply was that he was just "tired from work", which is undedatandable, but, I know when something is up. It was quite late at night when I asked what was wrong, so both of us were a bit grouchy and tired anyway. He had been like this for 2 days, the first day I let pass, just incase he was tired, to not blag his head. He had been spending a lot of time on his phone, not wanting to conversate much. So, after the first time of asking I asked again. I asked what was up and he told me to leave it, I explained I was asking what was wrong as he hasn't been himself, he's normally quite upbeat, happy, a people pleaser. He always manages to put a smile on my face when I see him after a bad day. Anyway, after the second time of asking he referred to me "not starting again" when I was just checking up on him because I know alot is going on for him at the moment. He's going through a lot of things at this time, a lot of financial issues that he spoke to me about the day before we had the fight, a lot of pressure at work, but he's the type of person who will just keep himself to himself and open up about it when he wants to, which is fine, and when he does do that I talk to him about it and reassure him that everything will be okay. He has this thing where, whenever we have a fight he says "he doesn't want this to happen again" referring to his ex. His ex and his relationship was a bit toxic, she was very insecure and jealous and always questioned what he was doing and why, they fought all the time and he said he had said to himself after that relationship he doesn't want to go into another one like that. So when we do fight, I think he freaks out about it a bit thinking it's going in the same direction. Anyway, after this fight he just told me to leave it and go to sleep and he will see me in the morning as it was stressing him out and he didn't want to start saying things he doesn't mean because he's caught up in the moment and he was tired. He woke up in the morning got dressed and left for work without really saying much. Our current situation is that we see each other every day, I live at my mums and he lives at his, due to our previous relationship breakups, so we split where we go through the week, normally together. The day after we fought he didn't text me all day, I didn't text him either, I thought I'd let him cool off, give him time to himself. It got to the point where I did have to message him because a few days earlier we arranged to spend that day at his house, so I needed to know whether or not he would want me there or not. So I asked the question. I also messaged saying I was sorry, at that I hoped he wasn't mad at me. We normally check in with each other throughout the day, asking how the day is going, seeing if we are okay, general chit chat. In the text he sent back he said he wasn't mad at me but it's not good that we've fought again. He said he's finding it hard to want to fix it this time, and he's not had the urge to contact me all day and that he felt terrible for feeling that way, but just he wasn't concerned about that right now. He said he's got a lot to worry about right now without us falling out and he doesn't know what he wants anymore, so he would like the night by himself. I replied back explaining why I hadnt messaged him all day, to give him some space. I explained why I asked what was wrong the night before and why I went about it that way, as he wasn't really paying attention because he seemed angry the time we were fighting. I told him that I didn't want it all blowing off like this, that I was just genuinely concerned about if he was okay because of the stuff he was going on, that I loved him, said I'm fine with the space he said he needs, and that I do want to see him. He replied saying that he knows what I've said was true but he's not sure again because it's happened again. He said it's been playing on his mind that we got together too quick, that he doesn't know what to do anymore. He said I'm an amazing woman but he feels he's losing love for me and right now he can't see us in the future anymore. He then mentioned about his ex again saying about how like her last time when things have gone too far he can't go back, and that needs some space to think, he said he still wants to text, but he needs a couple of days. Since then, I've text him a few times, I've asked if I could go round to talk it out as it would help clear the air but he put it off, and said "maybe tomorrow". I've asked if he's okay which to he told me he's tired and stressed, and he asked how I was, how I was feeling. I told him I was out with my friend at the time, we planned a catch up dyring the day and he asked me how she was and said how much of a nice day it was out for it. I asked him again whether he wanted me to come round and talk, as he said maybe tomorrow the day before as to he replied he'd like the night by himself, he said sorry he just needs time to think and sort his head out, which is fine. I replied saying it's fine and asked if he was okay and he's not replied to me, or seen the message for almost a day. Because I'm being left with my own thoughts I'm overthinking and thinking of every possible scenario why this has happened. It's been completely out of the blue. I wasn't asking for an argument and I didn't ask in an argumentative way but I'm just wondering... Has he done this because he is stressed? Because he needs time to relax by himself? Because he's having familiar feelings off his ex because of our fighting and he's scared of it happening again? Is it maybe because things are getting "serious" and he's panicked? I can't think of anything else. We are THAT couple that are always all over each other, we love each other very much. Our sex life is amazing, we are basically the male and female version of each other and nothing like this has ever happened before, everything was going smoothly until 3 days ago and because our relationship is normally SO good, that's why I notciced a change and noticed SOMETHING was up. I'm not really sure how he reacts to a situation like this, as like I said it hasn't happened like this before. Maybe this is the way he copes with things like this and I haven't witnessed it before? Part of me, like anyone would, just wants to call him and ask what the reason is, but I know I shouldn't because he wants the space and when somebody says they want space they usually DO want space! I don't want to nag him too much to push him away, but I don't want to distant myself that much incase he doesn't think I care. I don't know whether to just show up at his house and ask if he wants to speak it out? I don't know. It could either make the situation worse or better because he is stressed and he might need to voice it out, but I don't know. All I know is that I need answers. I'm just in shock as to a little question of concern could turn into something like this. I care for him very much and I just want to know, what would you do? Thankyou, Kylie
ExpatInItaly Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 I'm sorry this happened, OP. For context, how old are you both, and how did you meet? There's more to this than just the arguments. He made the comment that you two got together too quickly, which suggests he's having doubts for other reasons as well. At 9 months, you're still getting to know each other. So while it's a nice feeling that everyone thinks you're "that couple", you two are still getting to know each other on a deeper level. That takes more time. He's mentioned his ex to you a few times, apparently. How recently had he been single when you two started dating? I know you were only concerned about what's going on with him, but when someone has a bad day, it's best not to insist they tell you what's wrong if they've already asked you to stop. It's better to give the person a bit of breathing room and let them come to you when they're ready. A day or two really isn't that long to be having an "off" period. However, I do also have the feeling that what was eating at him were his doubts about the relationship and he didn't really know how to tell you. Likewise, please stop asking him if you can go and see him. And do not show up at his house uninvited. That will show him that you're really not fine with him having some space and will probably only make things worse. I would take a big step back and give him a few days. He knows you care; you don't need to show him that. He is requesting time to himself. All you can do is give it to him, but put a mental timeline on it. If he's still silent, say, a week from now, I would call it a day myself. It can't go on too long. I hate to say it, but him telling you that he doesn't know if he loves as much you isn't a good sign. If that's how he feels, it's better to let him go. Speaking from personal experience, it's far better to be on your own than with someone whose heart isn't with you anymore.
LostOnes05 Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 Hi Kylie, Welcome to LS. First off, sorry for what you've been going through. But I have to say 5 fights in 9 months sounds like a bit much to me. That's basically a fight every other month. And the fact that he keeps bringing up the ex is troublesome. Give him the space he requested and don't text/call unless he requests to see you. At this point you've done all the reaching out you can and should do...it's up to him now. But you should give yourself a timeframe for him to reach out. Whatever it is, after that point you let him know where you stand and begin to move on if necessary. Also, someone saying they've lost love for you and not seeing a future is pretty indicative of what's to come next. Best of luck with everything.
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