Its (Too) Complicated?

[conflicted_confused]

Its been around a week since NC, and I can't help replaying what happened in my mind. Would like everyone's thoughts and advice on the matter.

 

So I've been in this casual relationship with this guy since around November of last year - more like exclusive, no labels. This is mostly due to us graduating in like a month, and basically the uncertainty of the future. It can also be attributed to his family problems, trust issues, and (very) strong determination to succeed.

 

Around a month ago, he got pissed at me for sitting on my guy friend's lap while I was tipsy. Instead of talking to me about it, he told me he was no longer sleeping over and was going to leave. At that point in time, I had no clue what was going on and decided to run after him. This is where the whole "I can't believe you disrespected me" comes in and I'm like what just happened. So drunk me throws a tantrum, shouts, chases him, etc. until he calls me crazy and I snap out of it.

 

So we meet up a week later, me fully expecting to maybe have closure because he told my sister he was never talking to me again. Instead, he arrives tipsy and accepts my apology. I find out he's been talking to someone, but all she did was remind me of how much more I meant. He tells me I'm important to him, and that we should be in a committed relationship. All he needs is a week to see how it'll work out and fit into the job he's about to start once we graduate.

 

I see him nearly a week later, everything's going great. He's more attentive and caring than he's ever been - until morning arrives. I receive a "we can't do this" at around 8 AM in the morning, followed by a "let's talk later." The evening arrives, and his excuse is that he needs to put 100% into his start-up. As such, no time for any relationship whatsover. He also adds that if anyone, it'd be me. Exciting news is when he tells me that maybe in 6 months, we can revisit this followed by "don't wait." I try to convince him, he ends up crying and then telling me he has to leave.

 

Cue two weeks later, and he asks to talk to my sister behind my back because he's still conflicted. He tells her there is no one who understands him like I do, no one as selfless, etc. And then he texts me saying that we should talk.

 

So when he does see me, he reiterates what he's told me the last time we've met. He also tells me he's not conflicted, that he's made this decision because he's gotten an investment and is about to work on the start-up full time. He even offered to find someone for me to date. Great. He also tells me that he got over the ex he dated for 3 years (and thought he was going to marry) in a week after they broke up. At this point I'm speechless.

 

My question now is - so I meant just enough for him to want to be in a committed relationship, but just short of trying to make things work? Is there any hope left of getting back together, or is it really over?

Edited April 23, 2017 by conflicted_confused

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't want a relationship now. He wants to work on his start up.

 

 

No I don't think there is hope for reconciliation.

 

 

Concentrate on your last set of finals. Enjoy graduation & set out into the real world with a clean slate.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are going to get hurt even more if you wait around for him.

 

His feelings just aren't strong enough and I get the sense that he was looking for an out when he ended it the first time.

 

Also, he was already talking to someone else within days after his first departure? Bad sign.

[stillafool]

Are you sure your sister was telling you the truth when she said he was conflicted or just telling you what she knew you wanted to hear? No man who wants a woman is going to offer to find her someone else to date. He has no plans to talk about getting back together in 6 months so don't wait around for him. His tears were because he hates to keep hurting girls the way he did his ex. Definitely move on.

[conflicted_confused]

The whole talking to someone else - I guess I need to clarify. He basically told my sister that he's going to drop her and everyone else once they start getting attached, since he's definitely not going to be in a relationship with anyone at least for the next 6 months. At this point I don't think he's lying about that, since that's how we were supposed to be too.

 

My sister's definitely not telling me what I want to hear - she's the type to say it as it is, nothing barred. She also showed me their messenger chats as well. They also talked for about 6 hours face to face, so I don't see why he would want to meet up with her for that long if he wasn't still conflicted?

 

And the whole suggesting thing - seemed like he was just trying to make me hate him at that point.

[marie25]

To be quite honest, I don't know him or you or how he was truly acting - but it's clear as day to me that he has major fear of commitment. Why? Well because it's clear that he thinks you'd be the partner for him, everytime you two get close it seems he likes it, but then pulls away fast once he has some time alone to think about it. Fear of commitment kicking in. I know because I have low-key experienced it myself.

 

This doesn't change much for your course of action. You can try talking to him about it - but if he isn't ready for a relationship I would try moving on. We never know what the future will hold but definitely try moving on in the meantime.

[stillafool]

The whole talking to someone else - I guess I need to clarify. He basically told my sister that he's going to drop her and everyone else once they start getting attached, since he's definitely not going to be in a relationship with anyone at least for the next 6 months. At this point I don't think he's lying about that, since that's how we were supposed to be too.

 

My sister's definitely not telling me what I want to hear - she's the type to say it as it is, nothing barred. She also showed me their messenger chats as well. They also talked for about 6 hours face to face, so I don't see why he would want to meet up with her for that long if he wasn't still conflicted?

 

And the whole suggesting thing - seemed like he was just trying to make me hate him at that point.

 

Well it seems you already have it figured out as you know him better than us.

[conflicted_confused]

To be quite honest, I don't know him or you or how he was truly acting - but it's clear as day to me that he has major fear of commitment. Why? Well because it's clear that he thinks you'd be the partner for him, everytime you two get close it seems he likes it, but then pulls away fast once he has some time alone to think about it. Fear of commitment kicking in. I know because I have low-key experienced it myself.

 

This doesn't change much for your course of action. You can try talking to him about it - but if he isn't ready for a relationship I would try moving on. We never know what the future will hold but definitely try moving on in the meantime.

 

Yeah, I had a suspision that it was about his trust issues and fear of committment - more like I can't be with someone because then I'm giving someone else the power to hurt me (like his parents did).

 

I'm no longer thinking of talking to him about it, because at this point there's really nothing to say. I'm most likely just going to concentrate on other things - if it's meant to be in the future, maybe he'll contact me one day.

 

Let's just hope he doesn't contact me on my birthday in like 3 days because my whole world is literally going to crumble again.

[curiouslysearching]

Yeah, I had a suspision that it was about his trust issues and fear of committment - more like I can't be with someone because then I'm giving someone else the power to hurt me (like his parents did).

 

I'm no longer thinking of talking to him about it, because at this point there's really nothing to say. I'm most likely just going to concentrate on other things - if it's meant to be in the future, maybe he'll contact me one day.

 

Let's just hope he doesn't contact me on my birthday in like 3 days because my whole world is literally going to crumble again.

 

just know you are stronger than you might imagine

do not give someone the power to hurt you

[conflicted_confused]

Well it seems you already have it figured out as you know him better than us.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound as if I was disregarding what you were saying. I have it partially figured out I guess, just wanted an outsider's point of view on it. My intention was just to provide more background information.

[ExpatInItaly]

The whole talking to someone else - I guess I need to clarify. He basically told my sister that he's going to drop her and everyone else once they start getting attached, since he's definitely not going to be in a relationship with anyone at least for the next 6 months. At this point I don't think he's lying about that, since that's how we were supposed to be too.

 

My sister's definitely not telling me what I want to hear - she's the type to say it as it is, nothing barred. She also showed me their messenger chats as well. They also talked for about 6 hours face to face, so I don't see why he would want to meet up with her for that long if he wasn't still conflicted?

 

And the whole suggesting thing - seemed like he was just trying to make me hate him at that point.

 

OP, of course he would your own sister that.

 

He's "going to drop her" means he hasn't actually done so yet and they're likely still talking. Anyway, my point was that he moves pretty darn quickly if he managed to find some other girl to chat with days of ending it with you. Perhaps that's been going on longer than he claims.

 

In any event, he's been clear - it's over. A guy who's into you would never dream of finding you someone else to date. That's a pretty strong indication he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, and you should not waste any time hoping he'll come back.

[conflicted_confused]

just know you are stronger than you might imagine

do not give someone the power to hurt you

 

I'm fine right now, but I guess a part of me knows that if he were ever to walk back into my life, I wouldn't have the power to say no.

[stillafool]

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound as if I was disregarding what you were saying. I have it partially figured out I guess, just wanted an outsider's point of view on it. My intention was just to provide more background information.

 

No not at all. Posters do know more about a situation than us because there are a lot of things they do not expose.

[conflicted_confused]

OP, of course he would your own sister that.

 

He's "going to drop her" means he hasn't actually done so yet and they're likely still talking. Anyway, my point was that he moves pretty darn quickly if he managed to find some other girl to chat with days of ending it with you. Perhaps that's been going on longer than he claims.

 

In any event, he's been clear - it's over. A guy who's into you would never dream of finding you someone else to date. That's a pretty strong indication he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, and you should not waste any time hoping he'll come back.

 

You're right. I guess just from knowing who he is I've also realized that he's the type to put on an uncaring, emotionally unavailable front and I just wasn't sure if he said it so that it seemed as though he's no longer conflicted about the situation. It also doesn't help that the last time he tried to break it off with me, he said he never cared for me. And came back a week later saying that he was lying to himself about it.

[conflicted_confused]

No not at all. Posters do know more about a situation than us because there are a lot of things they do not expose.

 

The funny thing is, if I wrote about every little detail I'm pretty sure I'd reach the word limit if there is one. I guess by trying to make it a TL;DR, I've managed to miss out on informationt that may shed light into his personality and the situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right. I guess just from knowing who he is I've also realized that he's the type to put on an uncaring, emotionally unavailable front and I just wasn't sure if he said it so that it seemed as though he's no longer conflicted about the situation. It also doesn't help that the last time he tried to break it off with me, he said he never cared for me. And came back a week later saying that he was lying to himself about it.

 

That should have been a serious red flag.

 

Speaking from experience, this type of guy is not relationship material and would hurt you a lot if you ever reconciled.

 

You don't see it yet, but you dodged a bullet. He's not someone who can offer you the type of relationship you want.

[conflicted_confused]

That should have been a serious red flag.

 

Speaking from experience, this type of guy is not relationship material and would hurt you a lot if you ever reconciled.

 

You don't see it yet, but you dodged a bullet. He's not someone who can offer you the type of relationship you want.

 

I guess the reason I'm still hung up over it is because I somewhat know where he's coming from. He's had a pretty horrible childhood, pretty much him and his sister against the world. He hasn't talked to his father in like 15 years, his mother the last 5. So I know putting up an emotionally detached facade is his way of ensuring he doesn't get hurt by someone he cares about (again).

 

Does that excuse his behavior, no. But I guess it makes me able to relate to the things he does and why he does them.

 

So for extra clarification -

 

The time after my tantrum, when he came over he basically said that he's being lying to himself about how much I meant to him because caring about me scares him. He told me that when I asked him before whether or not I thought about him and he said no, that that was a lie and he thought of me through out the day, and that he didn't want to tell me because he's been trying to push those feelings away. Go figure. And about dating other people right afterwards - I'm pretty sure he does it to put up an "I don't care" facade (like he always does). Throughout our relationship, its always him trying to hide or reject how much I mean to him.

 

The time when he came back in the afternoon, his reasoning for it not working was not that he wouldn't have time for me, but that I'd be a distraction as I would constantly be on his mind. That he wanted to give me 100%, but couldn't because he needed to give his work 100%.

 

The time when he talked to my sister, he spent 6 hours sorting through his own feelings, telling her how much I meant to him, and then ending with something along the lines of "let me ruin something great in my mind before it has a chance to happen."

 

The time when he talked to me (the last time), he stayed for 3 hours and tried to solve things out. Then, he acted nonchalent towards the end and suggested that I should go on a date with his best friend (who we both think likes me). At that point I feel as though he only said it to get a reaction out of me - so that'd I tell him that I liked him, not his friend. That's what I meant by "find someone else for you."

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever his past may be, he is showing you he is just not ready or available enough to be in a committed and stable relationship. It doesn't matter if he suggested that you see someone else just to get a reaction out of you - that's not healthy either.

 

My current partner also suffered a horribly violent and abusive childhood, so I understand what those emotional walls are. I was fortunate to meet him after he'd done some serious inner work sorting out the pain of his past. He is much older than your ex, and has had a lot more time to deal with those issues and learn to be open to emotional intimacy without backing away in fear - but he acknowledges it took him decades to get to this point.

 

If it's influencing your ex to the degree that he bails when things get close (and again, we're speculating since he cited other reasons for the break-up) then you can be patient as a saint but it won't change the fact that he's not ready or willing to go there. All you can do is accept his decision and work on your own healing.

Edited April 23, 2017 by ExpatInItaly