Unexperienced Expectations

[MarionDame]

I have a multi-question post. I'm in a newer long-distance relationship. I've been happily single for 4 years, and before that I was in a committed relationship my whole adult life. I'm late 30's. I am a single parent to 1 young child. Started casually "dating" a man a bit over a year ago, then spent a lot of time communicating electronically, then dove into the relationship exclusively about 6 months ago.

 

We have some fairly differential circumstances. He is 30 years my senior, we live completely different daily lives, and our finances are broadly opposite. We were both in long-term committed relationships before this and have both spent some time alone, which we both found satisfying.

 

I am largely unsure what my own expectations should be in or of this or any relationship. We haven't made any plans beyond seeing each other. He has visited me, I have visited him, and we've taken trips together. I am crazy about him, and he says he's crazy about me. He's put most of the legwork into managing the relationship, largely because he has more time and resources at his disposal.

 

So on to my questions. The first is that he is unsure about a commitment to my child at his age, and if it is fair to enter my child's life more actively. I think his concern is entering my child's life and then becoming ill as he ages, and also if he can cope with an active young child regularly. Now, I'm not at the "wanting a commitment to my child" stage at this point. I'm not looking for a replacement parent for my kid. I am looking for a partner for myself. I've explained this. He has spent time with my child as a friend and is great. How long is reasonable to piece this answer out as a couple? I am looking for a partnership. Is this something that answers itself over time? Or is this a you should have already known this going in and if you're not sure now you won't ever be and shouldn't have wasted my time issue?

 

The second has to do with our vastly different financial statuses. I am a struggling single mom with 2 jobs and I'm a full time student. He is retired. That in itself isn't the issue. The issue lies more with his inability to grasp what my financial situation is and why it is what it is. I scrape by and just barely at times. He eats $300 lunches. Occasionally I can't cover a bill. I usually call a friend that will help me cover the bill until payday when I pay them back. One of my friends is a male friend. My friends have also asked me to help them when they need it. I've never asked my boyfriend for money. He's purchased things for my house. If he sees something we need, he gets it. It bothers him that I call friends for financial help. He recently told me that he had recently wanted to leave me some money to cover bills but didn't want to enable me. WTF??? Enable me to what? Pay my bills? I'm not even sure I would have accepted money if he'd tried to give it to me. He grew up in a very different time where a full time job or two covered all the basics and then some and he really has no grasp of what it is like now for people my age, much less surfing it alone with a child in tow. He says he wants to take care of me and that he does not like the amount of stress I am under dealing with work, school and my child all at the same time. I'm not sure what this means exactly and I have no grasp of what being "taken care of" would even be. On the other and he is certainly cautious about being used for his finances and I'm aware that is an issue he has.

 

So I'm feeling frustrated by these things. I'm not sure what my expectations should be in this relationship as to direction of the relationship. I'm unexperienced enough that I don't really know what people are doing in relationships these days.

Edited April 22, 2017 by MarionDame

[preraph]

Well, I don't like that "enable" comment from him. As if he thinks you're defective because you don't have a job on Wall Street while juggling school and kids.

 

Poor choice of words. I think you can assume he doesn't want you to depend on him financially and will be critical of you if you do. I mean, he might even encourage it because there are some men who think it gives them the upper hand and they always get to have their way if they are the providers. I would just remind you and anyone else reading that in the days before many women worked, the staid 1950s, for example, though many women felt trapped because of financial dependence, it wasn't like the man was the boss of everything. The woman had a lot of sway about the house and children, certainly, and could dig in and refuse to budge at just about any juncture if she felt like it.

 

He doesn't want to deal with the kids. I think you might get past this, because your attitude is he could just be only mom's friend and not anything else, but if he does start paying stuff, he'll want to have a say in how they're handled.

 

I would say don't go moving or anything like that to be with him. Enjoy him when you can, but don't go mixing money or taking money from him. I think you'd regret it.

[MoreThanThat]

You've said nothing about what you want and are looking for.

[MarionDame]

I think that's just it. I'm not so certain what it is I'm looking for. I'm content on my own and have been for a long time. I'm not sure I'm looking for anything specific. On the other hand, it seems impractical to long distance date forever. Being in a cohabitating or married relationship would make sense for me at my age and with my lifestyle. A platonic guy friend asked that I split a house with him recently and the thought of splitting bills made the stress roll right off of me. I suppose longterm I see partnership as a daily sharing of lives where both partners support each other in all ways.

Edited April 22, 2017 by MarionDame

[CptInsano]

Well, I don't like that "enable" comment from him. As if he thinks you're defective because you don't have a job on Wall Street while juggling school and kids.

 

Poor choice of words. [...]

 

A very unflattering choice of words, but I think it is spot on. He doesn't want to create a sugardaddy relationship. With that big of a financial and age difference, it's probably what people suspect anyhow, even if it isn't true.

 

I've been in similar situations, even with women my own age, where I had to hold back the urge to help them in a similar way, because it changes the balance in a relationship dramatically. He doesn't want to create a dependency that may not be healthy in the long run.

[act00]

While the "enable" comment is really off-putting, I suspect his thought is that he wants to help, but he doesn't want you to call him every time you're in a bind and "expect" his assistance...like you're after his money (a valid fear). He's a bit wounded that you don't come to him (and I understand why you don't), but he sees your struggles and helps out here and there. He's really bouncing around between helping you because he cares about you and sees your struggle, but not helping you because it's not his responsibility and does not want you becoming dependent...sugar daddy; you only want him for his money. Does that make any sense? It has to be incredibly difficult for him to not whip out the wallet whenever he knows you are struggling, but he refrains.

 

He seems more than willing to care for you and your child 100% if the relationship progresses to that. You state that you are not looking for a replacement father. You are. Right now you're dating, but it is the ultimate goal. You are dating for yourself but also for this child. He will be the in the stepfather role and an integral role, financially, emotionally, and parental, in raising this child. Don't kid yourself that this is just for you. It is also for your child. You expect him to be in that parental role, not just tolerating this annoying little puppy until s/he leaves the nest, and don't kid yourself that this man won't be financially covering the cost of said child and the responsibility of the child.

 

Do you want more children? He probably doesn't. Consider this.

 

You have a major generation gap, and with that are struggles. Yes, the cost of living is just not the same, and they have a hard time seeing it. It can work out. He seems like a good man. He seems interested enough in you. He struggles with your young child and if he's willing to take it on. My thought is to blend your child and him together more. This child is you. You are a package deal. Throw him in the deep end and see where it goes. You don't want a man who isn't in it whole hog.

[salparadise]

I'm not looking for a replacement parent for my kid. I am looking for a partner for myself. I've explained this.

 

Is this something that answers itself over time? Or...

 

No, it's not going to answer itself over time. He has to decide whether he will accept you and your child if this is to progress. Right now he's fence-sitting. He may be perfectly comfortable astride the fence as long as his needs are being met and there is no urgency to make decisions.

 

WTF??? Enable me to what? Pay my bills? I'm not even sure I would have accepted money... I'm not sure what my expectations should be [...] I don't really know what people are doing in relationships these days.

 

It doesn't matter what other people are doing. There is no "should." You have to decide for yourself what you want and what compromises you will accept.

 

I concur with CptInsano - not the best word choice, but the meaning is accurate. He doesn't want to get into the situation where you're depending on him to supplement your income in order to keep your bills paid. That would complicate the relationship in several ways. My opinion is that you should hold that boundary and live within your means (yes, I understand it's hard). It's also hard for him to see you struggling while he's well off... knowing that the price of one of those lunches would provide a lot of relief to you. Make sure you're looking at it from both sides.

 

Given the multiple circumstances (age difference, long-distance, financial disparity, etc.), I think this isn't going to be sustainable indefinitely. Assuming that crazy about each other translates to motivation to integrate your lives so it will endure, the ball is essentially in his court. He must decide whether he's willing to commit (assuming you know you would), not only to you but you and your child (as step parent, not replacement). If he is, wonderful! If not, or if he just can't make up his mind... well, this is where you'd have to make up your mind.

 

It may be that he's comfortable enough sitting on that fence indefinitely. Are you willing to risk the tentative, long-distance, limited relationship to force it to go one way or the other, or are you comfortable enough as well? You have to understand what you want, and whether you're willing to risk it. But maybe all it would take a tiny nudge. As I said, my intuition is that it will implode anyway if it doesn't progress. Can you communicate with him about these things?

Edited April 23, 2017 by salparadise

[CptInsano]

 

Do you want more children? He probably doesn't. Consider this.

 

Whether he wants kids may not be the question. I would be surprised if he could have healthy kids at this point, even less whether he would be there for his children in a meaningful capacity. He may require some form of care within 10 years himself.

 

He seems like a good man. He seems interested enough in you. He struggles with your young child and if he's willing to take it on. My thought is to blend your child and him together more. This child is you. You are a package deal. Throw him in the deep end and see where it goes. You don't want a man who isn't in it whole hog.

 

I don't see that, meaning that it is a convenient long-distance relationship for him. He made it clear that when he spoke about being unsure about a commitment to a child. He will not jump into the deep end. If the OP wants a life partner then she needs to look elsewhere, IMHO.

[smackie9]

OK this is what you do....just enjoy spending time together and assure yourself and him this will only be temporary. In other words go back to it being casual. He doesn't need to be a part of your kid's life, nor do any of your financial differences have to be involved. If he wants to spend 300 bucks on a lunch, just let him...not your concern.

 

When the time comes and you have had enough or you meet someone more suitable for your future, or you decide it's time to get seriously looking for someone...then just call it quits.

 

You can make this simple you know.

[Els]

I would be concerned about the comment he made. Adding that to your incompatible lifestyles, the fact that you are long distance (meaning someone will have to move in the future - will he?), and his age... what is it about him that makes you stay with him? What exactly do you want with him?

 

If you want a long-term or potentially lifelong R, you need to think very, very, very long and hard about this. Besides all the incompatibilities mentioned and his view of your finances, the reality is that if you commit to a LTR with a person 30 years your senior, especially if you are a woman (men typically have lifespans 5 years less than a woman on average), you are likely to fall into the role of full-time caretaker at ~40 yo and widow before 50. This may not be politically correct, but it is a very real and serious consideration. Is this man worth that sort of life? Are you willing to sign up for that? Think very carefully before you do.

 

If you are just dating "in the moment" and do not plan to stay with him for the long-term, then by all means carry on as long as he is aware of that.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My ONLY question in all of this is why date someone 30-yrs your senior???

 

I personally find NO advantage to being in a relationship with someone so much older.

[MarionDame]

I'm reading and considering all of your comments. I have answers to some of the questions posed and will have to consider others.

[preraph]

A very unflattering choice of words, but I think it is spot on. He doesn't want to create a sugardaddy relationship. With that big of a financial and age difference, it's probably what people suspect anyhow, even if it isn't true.

 

I've been in similar situations, even with women my own age, where I had to hold back the urge to help them in a similar way, because it changes the balance in a relationship dramatically. He doesn't want to create a dependency that may not be healthy in the long run.

 

Oh, I agree 100 percent about financial relationships. Maybe it's more obvious to her than it was to me when I read her post that she is angling for support. Now, her most recent post makes clear she could use some financial relief.

 

And Marion, I think the platonic roommate would be better but you have kids and you better do two things first: 1) Run a background check and check sex offender registry and 2) Be dang sure that he doesn't secretly love you and would start pressuring you for a relationship if you accepted. We see on this board all the time people moving in together only to find out it was a bit of a trap.

[MarionDame]

I'm not angling for support from my boyfriend. I think it is too early in the relationship to complicate things with finances or to even consider it at this point. My point was that in the long term for myself and my child I have to consider what exactly makes sense for myself. In order to comfortably afford a small 1-bedroom apartment in my state I have to make $22 an hour, which is not a wage you see paid out here often. So it makes sense for me to either couple up, or roommate up. I have checked the sex offender status of my male friend and it's clear. I've also known him for years. The second issue is stickier as he probably does have some feelings for me. I'm not actually planning to move in with friend though- it was just an example of how much financial pressure I'm under. It's a matter of practicality. I will likely roommate up at some point. In a committed relationship where I lived with someone or was married I would expect a comingling of finances- both mine and his, but I would not expect to be solely supported by a spouse.

Edited April 23, 2017 by MarionDame

[MarionDame]

So, some answers. No, I absolutely do not want any more children. He does not want any children either. I live reasonably within my means. However, costs raise year after year and my income has not. While I work on my degree and raise my child there is not a lot that I can do to raise my income. Part of this is having a support group of a few friends I can rely on when things are short and who in turn rely on me when things are short on their end.

 

What it is that makes me stay? We are very happy when we're together. There is a definite simpatico between the two of us in our interactions. Things still feel very new. We are in love.

 

What do I want? I think in the long run I want a progressing relationship. So at some point moving in together and then possibly marriage. At this point I don't feel in a rush to move in together or anything like that. I do have some need to have a game plan put in place.

 

 

I did bring up some of this today with my friend. The enable term was just a poor choice of words according to him. He says he was expressing that he does not like to see me struggle or stress. I did let him know that I don't want to depend on him financially at this point. I also brought up his level of commitment. He said he is all in and that he was more expressing his worry about hurting my child with the long distance back and forth- him being present and then not.

 

I think end game for me is a one year point. At the one year marker where everyone lives and what we are doing or progressing towards should be clear and worked out.

[preraph]

Yes, it's getting harder every day to make ends meet. Especially with kids where you can't take a second job. i've had two jobs for decades living on my own, and no kids.

 

Well, I wouldn't move in with the friend because it would probably make him escalate some way and then you'd lose a friend. You might try joining like a single moms women-only meetup where you could really network with other mothers and maybe find a good roommate out of that. Another mom would be more on your wavelength than just a single person I think, and understand about the kids' needs and all. I mean, there are so many single moms out there in financial pressure. I'm sure you could eventually find a good one. You'd have to have house rules about not having strange guys over though, of course. But a mom should understand that, though some don't see to...