Has a similar breakup situation happened to you? How did u get over it?

[Charmander_1]

Before I begin, this is a last resort, I don't usually post on these things because I feel you can't ever convey the depth of feelings/situations via typing.

At the end of February, my long distance relationship ended, via a phone call. Little bit of history: we spoke, skyoed for hours (12 hours at a time), eventually met for almost a year, kept it on a friend basis but knew we both felt more. Although young I'm not one to just settle on a relationship or go through the motions. Him too, both never had a serious relationship simply BC we'd never met anybody we felt we'd ever want anything with. (His words) when I came to uni he followed me up and said he liked me, after a few more months we decided to make it official. I knew he was serious, loyal, the weeks we'd spend together we were just insanely and mutually happy in each other's company. I'm an anxious person but even with the distance I felt completely calm with him BC I knew his heart was pure and he adored me. I mean really seriously, would sit for hours brushing my matted hair, let me wear his special necklace he never takes off, said he'd never felt this way about anybody and was thinking long term. I could go on for hours about his caring nature all the little things like if a sock was slipping off he'd put it back on bla de blah. I Genuinly felt he treated me as if I was the world in his lap. He visited for my birthday (unknowingly the last time I'd ever see him)had a really lovely happy time. After he left, my anxiety got bad for about a week and id call worrying. He'd say call me anytime your nervous or just want to chat. I'd drunk call him, we'd laugh and I remember the night before the break he was asking if I'd booked my tickets to come home for his birthday. (In 4 days time). Then out of the blue, bam. I call him up asking what is up and he says he can't do it. That the fun we had together wasn't worth the pain of missing each other inbetween, he has a degree to focus on. I was so beyond belief shocked I pleaded. Like four more months u can't wait out four more months after all this time we've been through? No. He didn't want me there for his bday. I was absolutely heartbroken. My best friend the one who cared and adored had just disappeared. I just thanked him and wished him well and decided to give him space. Could only last a week, I messaged saying how much he meant...shortest reply 'Ye I know'. The pain has been crippling ever since. I told him he can't do this to people and not to say things if he couldn't stick by them, no reply. No contact. (Ik social media is silly but he started liking my tweets/pictures...still no talking). I didn't know what he was doing. I asked if we could meet so I could get closure....he just gave a reply nothing to do with meeting. Baring in mind weeks had past and all the while the pain had been unbarable. I decided I had to block him from everything because I was obsessively checking his social media. On a side note, he has this friend that's a girl (been friends since before me) started liking her tweets, even an hour after the break up. That same night he went out to a party . Unbothered by it? He also told me at my birthday that they were going on holiday but if I didn't feel comfortable with it even though just platonic relationship he wouldn't go, ofc I would never stop him but I did say I was anxious about it. Anyway Theyve been back and too on social media. After all this silly story I guess what I'm asking is....has anybody else ever experienced this? No closure? One extreme to another? It's heartbreaking knowing he doesn't care enough to message. I cry everyday still and I'm making my mum ill from how sad I am. I don't think I'll ever ever pull through this pain. How can he care so much then not at all? How do I move on without ever getting to meet him face to face and talk things through? I struggle with mental health anyway and this has completely sent me to a very low place. Even when I sleep I dream of me desperately trying to get answers and make him care but as soon as he appear he disappears in the dreams. Did he ever care? Do u think he started getting feelings for his friend? Is this normal behaviour? Amongst this break up Iv had so many exams, very close afterwards that Iv failed. Now I have my final exams which I really need to work on but I can't bring myself to do anything because the sadness is consuming me. Honestly I'm feeling suicidal. What do you make of this situation??? As if a switch has been turned off. I feel robbed of future experiences with him like the festivals we planned to go to. He couldn't even say he was leaving me on the phone, left me to presume. It wasn't as if things were getting bad and I have bad memories to cling too, everything seemed good. Yes the distance was hard but we were making it work. If you've read through this, Thankyou realky and sorry BC IM all over the place.

He's in his last year uni, me my first. Only two weeks before @ my bday he was saying don't worry it's only two weeks until we see each other again. As if he had no intention of doing this. Then did. 'Would never hurt...best friends....thinking long term' then this. I'm still so shocked and it's been nearly 2 month. Will he regret this?

Edited April 22, 2017 by Charmander_1
forgot, maybe worth mentioning

[Telemachus]

Title: "Has a similar breakup situation happened to you? How did u get over it?"

Basic question: "Has anybody else ever experienced this?"

 

Yes, of course. You included far more detail than was necessary or appropriate, but I read it all with care. You and he had a connection that led to a relationship. You liked and still like him more than he likes you. He informed you it was over. He's moved on. You're devastated and having difficulty moving on with your life.

 

The fact that you consider your situation to be so unique is a huge cause for concern. It's extremely common, and you really should know that, even if you haven't experienced it before. The essential elements of your story aren't a man-bites-dog story; it's a dog-bites-man story, and almost everyone by age 25 has experienced this. This is the stuff of life. Does it suck? Of course.

 

Throw clinical depression and suicidal ideation into the mix - also very common. Your looking him up on social media may be maladaptive obsessive or compulsive behavior - also very common. If you aren't in counseling already, ask your university health center to refer you to a mental health therapist. Mention depression (you have blown this entirely out of proportion and are embracing negative feelings and declining to meet your responsibilities in life). If you mention suicidal ideation, there is a risk that you will be involuntarily confined - depends on the laws and professional standards of your jurisdiction, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend mentioning that, not until you've built a rapport with your therapist.

 

If you need to be confined voluntarily or involuntarily to keep yourself from following-through on your suicidal thoughts, then lead with that. Only you can determine that. However, everyone on earth has had suicidal thoughts. Most of us do not follow-through; most of those who try fail; some go all the way. Don't expect that a suicidal threat will bring him back - that's between you and your mental health professionals.

 

You don't have a relationship problem. That's over. You have an adjustment disorder. Something bad happened, and you're having trouble adjusting to a life on the other side of that event that seems less worth living. Simply be glad that, unlike a soldier returning home blind and without legs, you have everything you need to move forward and do what you must do, starting right now and today.

Edited May 4, 2017 by Telemachus

[Charmander_1]

I honestly didn't think things ending over the phone and never hearing from agai was common, especially with no arguing/relationship break down beforehand// close friends before. Iv since read and it's called ghosting.

Obsessive is the right word, I have had a long history with OCD. I think after the break up there was a shift in my thoughts and I'd continuously over and over thing every detail of it all day in day out. Since, Iv deleted from everything to stop the constant checking. And using revision as a way of diverting my thoughts to other places than on the break up/ friendship loss. Would never dream of using Suicide as a threat or even message anything again. Learning to respect his decision despite how disposable it has made me feel. A huge Thankyou for your reply// reading through my scattered thoughts from a low place. The pain isn't any less but I'm learning how to cope.

[Telemachus]

I honestly didn't think things ending over the phone and never hearing from agai was common, especially with no arguing/relationship break down beforehand// close friends before. Iv since read and it's called ghosting.

Obsessive is the right word, I have had a long history with OCD. I think after the break up there was a shift in my thoughts and I'd continuously over and over thing every detail of it all day in day out. Since, Iv deleted from everything to stop the constant checking. And using revision as a way of diverting my thoughts to other places than on the break up/ friendship loss. Would never dream of using Suicide as a threat or even message anything again. Learning to respect his decision despite how disposable it has made me feel. A huge Thankyou for your reply// reading through my scattered thoughts from a low place. The pain isn't any less but I'm learning how to cope.

 

Yes, there is no uncommon way to break up text, e-mail, telephone call, facetime, skype, post-it, scribble on a gum wrapper, having a friend tell you - nothing new under the sun. A telephone call is far from rare. You're looking at this with a more mature perspective, and I encourage you to scrape him off your shoe as if you had been walking where people walk their dogs. Just tell yourself that you deserve better, and you'll have better. You will.

 

Forget about the details, focus on the substance. As you're studying for finals, the year of the battle is largely irrelevant, even if you get it wrong. Remember who won or lost, who wrote the history. That's the main thing.

 

Your former boyfriend is out. You have a whole life ahead of you. That's what matters.