Turned the back on her and drove off

[sober and dry]

Girlfriend of 9 months, yesterday I drove to her house so that we could try and understand whats wrong between us. I started by stating that I don't fell respected by her, when I call her or we are having a critical conversation she randomly skids off to another thing, a cute dog, a friend, etc and let me there waiting for her to come back, time and time again. She had done things like that a lot of times, even after I mentioned a lot of times that I cannot tolerate that.

Then she started to say that she doesn't fell that I have the time for her that she needs when I know I sacrifice a lot to be with her the most I can. But in between she was doing the exact same thing I said in the first part.

The last time she did it, she just ignored me and started looking at a dog, I went silent and she notice but didn't changed much so I went forward and said "have your joy, appreciate the dog" then I exit the car to smoke a cigar and a few seconds after she exits the car as well saying "well since I'm not doing anything here..." and went off to play with the dog. So I snapped, gave her her purse that was in my car and drove off. She didn't said anything until now, this morning I sent her a text saying "if you are good with this you can come to my house and take your things, I will not have it in here for long".

 

Conclusion I really like her but I will not tolerate being disrespect by anyone I love, what know?

Edited April 22, 2017 by sober and dry

[doyathinkso]

Maybe you should read up on Attention Deficit Disorder.

[whatnot]

wishing you the best...

Edited April 22, 2017 by whatnot
couldn't figure out how to delete original post

[Ronni_W]

...or we are having a critical conversation she randomly skids off to another thing

Is it only or mostly during difficult conversations that she does this?

 

If so, the most likely explanation is that her conflict resolution skills are not yet developed to a point where she can be assertive in the conversation while also remaining neutral/detached enough to not take everything personally, and feel offended, criticized or attacked.

 

If it's a lack of these skills, then turning her attention to something else is just a defense mechanism and way to cope with what, for her, is a very stressful or disturbing situation. (Not saying that it's a constructive way or that having difficult conversations is necessarily stressful or disturbing, only that possibly she could find them to be and doesn't know how to deal with it better.)

 

If you have the opportunity, you could offer her some resources to help her with her growth in this area.

There are books like 'The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight', by Tim Ursiny; or this website that is based in part on Daniel Goleman's work, Working with Emotional Intelligence.

 

On the other hand, if she is happy with where she is and how she's doing her life, then yeah...just let her go. No other choice, really.

[sober and dry]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

So it could be something like Attention Deficit Disorder, but it's damn hard to deal with someone you care a lot and acts this way during crucial conversations about the RS.

 

It could be during almost any type of situation, to the point were I can only fell disrespected and unwanted.

 

The next day we were together again, talked about it for many hour and apparently we understood ourselves. Then we visited her godmother in the hospital and went to bed in her house later on. We were kind of foreplaying when she totally lost the interest and got frustrated with that and went of to the kitchen for half an hour or something, then got back still frustrated. The next day she was the same and I felt that I was almost like bothering her.

She says is depressed since last September or something like that and only now she started taking the medication. I spent this last 4 or 5 days trying to motivate her, showing what she is worth, trying to make her feel better but to no avail. None of this seems to help her or, in fact, she wants my help. Just some minutes ago she said she doesn't want to be with anyone and only wants to drive off everyone in her life. I feel tempted to ask her if she wants me to leave her alone...

To help out the situation I also feel like she is taking advantage of me!

 

She is affecting me a lot, mentally, emotionally, professionally, etc. Although I love her it doesn't seem like I can help her or know how to do it and maybe the best is for us to be separated with no contact, but, again I love her and I know she as very strong suicide tendencies so I'm very afraid of the impact of that... Besides in other occasions she says that I'm not with her the time she wants and I need to demonstrate more concern for her problems!?

 

EDIT: and sometimes, like right now, she is just rude with me with no other apparent reason other then she just doesn't want me. It really leaves me wanting to tell her to **** off, but then I remember the same, I love her and ending things with her could leave her mentally worst.

Edited April 26, 2017 by sober and dry

[basil67]

I think the whole thing sounds exhausting. You seem to spend a lot of time talking about relationship issues. I mean, you talked about it for "many hour". Either the relationship has a zillion things wrong with it or you're over analysing and harping on about a few topics for far too long. Either way, it's not good.

 

I don't think it's ADD. I would imagine that many people couldn't hold attention to such lengthy discussions. In my relationship, if an issue needs to be discussed, it can usually be done and dusted in 5 mins.

 

I spent this last 4 or 5 days trying to motivate her, showing what she is worth, trying to make her feel better but to no avail. None of this seems to help her or, in fact, she wants my help. Just some minutes ago she said she doesn't want to be with anyone and only wants to drive off everyone in her life. I feel tempted to ask her if she wants me to leave her alone...

 

OK, this one is easy. It's not your job to motivate her or show her what she's worth. You cannot make her feel better. This is all stuff she must do for herself. If she tells you that she doesn't want to be with anyone, take it at face value.

 

If you're not happy, leave. If she can't cope, it's not your problem. And yes, I had an ex try to commit suicide after I left, but we can't stay in an unhappy relationship simply because the other isn't stable enough to leave. If you go, just give a heads up to her best friend/family and let them deal with it.

 

But truly, if not getting your needs met makes you into an emotionally exhausting partner, it's better for both of you if you get out.

Edited April 26, 2017 by basil67

[sober and dry]

Altough I don't fully agree with you basil, I will not leave her, but get some distance instead and see what happens. Today it's working I guess.