Done the unimaginable.. read !

[Lost-snowflake]

PLEASE READ I KNOW ITS SUPER LONG BUT PLEASE PLEASE I NEED SOME INSIGHT.

 

 

Okay so im going to try and keep this somewhat concise, but my fiancee and I have hit a stalemate on what to do . Brief backstory: friends for over 8 years, began dating 3 years ago. In the first month of dating I [25/f] had both my mother and grandmother die within 3 weeks of eachother and was left to take custody of my 13 year old sibling with no money, inheritence and we have no other family. I have also been medicated for bipolar/bpd and anxiety since I was 17. My partner comes from a good family of a standard dynamic with a very comfortable lifestyle. My upbringing was rough facing areas of drug abuse, child abuse, constant financial hardships and a family line of chronic mental illnesses. His family did struggle a little although they are definitly from another world in terms of my family v theirs. They are more straight so to speak. Within the first 6 months he broke it off as he wasnt sure what he wanted and what I was dealing with became too much for him. He had only ever had very short relationships whereas I had 2 long term.

 

We eventually got back together, and then everything was going well and then 9 months later he moved out of home with my sibling and i. We had normal problems and disagreements like anyother couple but were crazy about eachother. I did have quite an issue with his heavy marijuana abuse, as he smokes with his friend and plays computer games completely blocking me out. This happened atleast 4 times a week. I then, drunkenly and stupidly, messaged an old coworker being flirty. His friend went through my phone and showed my partner. He flipped, threw his ring at me (he had proposed a few months earlier on the spot) and left to his parents. I deleted all contact with the dickhead who I really had no interest in, it was a stupid ploy at attention. He came back the next day and we worked on it. Apart from occasional arguments over it we became stronger.

 

Now where we were at as of 5 weeks ago: wed moved again, things were generally very good, I was very close to his family except for his sister [20/f] who i felt treated me like dirt no matter how hard I tried. I feel deep down she hates me for taking her brother away. She is a hipocrit in my opinion and very much her way or the highway. The only "fault" on my partners end could have been his marijuana use, his heavy gaming (upto 15 hrs a day when at home which led to him blocking me out/ignoring me at times) and the fact that at times I felt I could not communicate openly with him as id be scared of how harshly he may react (part of this is my fault for not just standing up and saying it regardless of his reaction). There were other areas wed fallen into a bit of a rut but those things happen and are in no way a reflection of what happened.None of what hes done is.

 

In Feb this year, the company I worked for on the spot told us none of us had jobs anymore due to one of the bosses being dodgy and getting caught for embezzling money from the bigger company we were contracted to. A few weeks before this my partner had told me to stop my medication for my bpd etc as he believed it was "mind over matter" and I could beat it. Upon hearing the news of my job I freaked out. I was scared to let my family down (id lost jobs before and it never went down too well) and did not want to put us into a financial hardship. I (stupidly) walked past a sex parlour/ brothel near my old job and walked in thinking I had to do this until I found something else. My stint there was short. I attempted 4 shifts, all of which I would break down, cry and be unable to do the work. I was honest and said there was one "successful" client. It was horrible. A recep there was so kind to me and put a word in with the woman who cleans the parlour, i was offered to help her a couple nights a week just cleaning from around 6-10:30 so i did and over the two shifts id make around $200 which was great. I never went back to doing the sex side and never would. I then got a call from my old job saying they needed us back in as our case had been reopened and they needed us for auditing. My hours were cut incredibly with all different start times etc so I kept the cleaning job two nights a week which was when my partner was away for work as not to impede on time I could have had with him. Then 4 weeks ago I come home and discover his sister has found out, and told his entire family, my partner and my younger sibling. She has told them though that I did it for over 6 months and that she has all these details about me. The details given are lies, and so my partner has his head filled with incredibly awful things that are adding insult to injury. So my partner has gone from being happy and content to finding out his fiancee is a "lying, dirty hooker". He has moved out, and we have seen eachother a few times since.

I began seeing a psychologist and am remedicated. My psych explained something that is very important to me, she said that I have done this because since stopping my meds I had let down that wall of emotional/ mental protection and the first bad thing to happen without the meds triggered a 'delirious episode' which brought back every emotion and fear not only that I was currently feeling but also those associated from everything around my losing my mother/nan, other big life events i had suppressed and they all hit me at once which is the biggest contributor to why i felt i HAD to do it. I never sought any councelling etc for anything before now. I have done everything he asked, left my normal job and obviously the cleaning one so I have no associated even with that suburb anymore, (im also without a job and struggling financially terribly but seeking a job constantly), i am medicated and seeking professional help, I attempted to apologise to his family and have shown all remorse and progress possible. I have had a sexual health check that came up (obviously) clean also.

 

I love him more than anything and know how badly ive ruined things. He is currently in the middle as he loves me and wants to come back but doesnt think he can due to the betrayal, the fact all of his friends and family hate me to no end and he doesnt want to be hurt again and look like a fool. My sibling has also moved away to sort her own issues with her partner out leaving me completely alone with no family and hardly any friends in the home i built up to love with them both.

 

I need an outsiders perspective on what you would all do in his position? He doesnt know if he can fight for me. His family and friends would all judge and look down us, it would be a massive uphill battle and of course thats just the tip of the iceburg as there is the infidelity and betrayal that is haunting him. I hate myself, and I know I have no power to change anything past what I have already done to try and fix things. Hoping we can get some scope (both him and i) from those who do not know us/are not biased. he says I was the perfect fiancee, I was always very attentive and went to the end of the earth to make him happy in ways no one else would ever be bothered, caring, we are best friends. We are soul mates. He is perfect for me. I just hope our love is enough. Your input is appreciated sorry its so long.. bottom line: Could you go back to your fiancee that you still love despite the fact they turned to sex work for a short time?

 

Edit: thought I'd add this as it's not about me asking for me. I totally understand all of that, i know how much of a betrayal it is..

 

I have said I will let him go if that's what he wants and needs because he deserves whatever is best for him. The problem is he doesn't know what he wants. He wants me back but is worried about the backlash of his family. For example, we were together, he came to hang out for about 5 hours. Within the first 10 minutes he's asking me to sit on his lap and cuddle upto him, we are talking and laughing like even more so than we used too when together. We were laying there cuddling talking about how much we love each other, he's saying he loves everything about me and right it all feels. and how much he misses me. It's not until the issue itself is focused on that he gets down or bitter. And I understand his anger and hurt. I don't even understand how he can still love me, but he does. That's why I wanted some perspective off those who aren't involved. It's not about me it's about him.

[Maldives]

Wow that is one hell of a story. I hope your ok you've had some real struggles. I think you've already said your piece and now it's up to him. I think the really positive thing about you and one i cant say about my ex's lol is that you don't use manipulation to get him back so you should really be proud of yourself. I think your struggles in life even though you've made a mistake here and there really shows how nice your heart is believe it or not. Yes you went to that sex thing that was a mistake were human we all make mistakes unfortunately that one can really play on your partners head I should know because I dated a girl who I ended up finding out was a pro and I was devastated to say the least and really hurt. It's hard to impart in his mind what your feeling and what's in your heart and mind after something like this even though I can tell you are sincere.

 

The sister spreading the rumours has obviously added fuel to the fire so maybe just be patient for that end to simmer and settle down. I donno wether you cld as proof show hin somehow you only worked at that place for that short period maybe a reference or something. He has taken a lot on with your issues and his pot smoking is not good either for you maybe the two of you need some healthy changes in your life i think before reconnecting. Him smoking that amount of pot and playing video games all day isn't good. Keep getting the professional help nows a good time to work on improving your life work on that resume find a really good job or do something like cleaning in the meantime just to tie you over till you get the really good job. Start exercising get fit eat better live in a better suburb all those things will feel like small wins. You know what that'll do? It'll fill you with confidence and strength so the next time you reconnect and hopefully his on the same page you are both coming from a place of strength and good healthy habits. Meaning you lov yourself enough to not have to fill a void does that make sense?

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator