inigele14u Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) Whenever we have a problem in our relationship my girlfriend ask advice from this guy friend. From what I know of him, she has been over his house once, she wanted to date him at one point in time, and before our relationship, they flirted on and off. They call/text frequently. They live nearly 1,000 miles away from each other however I don't find it respectful for her to be running to tell him what happens in our relationship. I promise you this isn't a jealousy thing, he's a loser. I'm worried about her actions. Would you be worried about it? Edited April 22, 2017 by inigele14u
avvril3000 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Firstly, every girl needs a friend to go to to help figure out her problems, and you shouldnt take that away from her because thats denying some kind of freedom. Whether it be male or female. Its interesting , however, that she wanted to date him once, and i'm not sure how this conversation came up, or where this conversation went, but she is with you now so you should give her the trust that she is just confiding in him. At the end of the day, if you trust her or dont trust her, its not going to change the outcome of her actions if she decides to be faithful or not, you will just push her more away in the process. In time, you will know if she has been faithful, the truth always comes out. And if you truly feel in your gut that something is wrong, then it probably is wrong and you shouldn't continue with her. In short, dont be a paranoid boyfriend. If she ****s up, she ****s up and leave. 1
Knix Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Because she wanted to date him in the past, I would say this isn't okay. Everytime she's upset with you she looks to "plan B" for reassurance and comfort. Be careful about telling her who she can and can't talk to, she might rebel and just run right to him. Let her know that this is really making you uncomfortable because she's mentioned the idea of dating him. Come to a resolution that when you guys argue, you make it a point to try and resolve it together right then and there, or at least sleep on it and come back together to make things right. 2
mortensorchid Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Doesn't sound okay to me, especially with the history they had. She's obviously holding out on some level. How does he respond to her?
TheAntiHero Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I'd give her an ultimatum. That guy's definitely plan B and given the chance she might monkey branch. Good luck, man.
MountainGirl111 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) If I were in your shoes....hmmmmm.....I don't think I'd be okay with her "running" to her guy friend whom she once wanted to date...whenever the two of you are having problems. There is something wrong with that on a few levels. It shows that that is how she 'copes' with struggles...she runs to another guy...probably because he makes her feel better for a bit and who knows, maybe she wants to keep that option open if things don't work out for the two of you. And, I think I would be suspicious that she still has feelings for him that are more than just friendship. That's just me. Take what you need, leave the rest. Another way to look at this is: The other guy might feel like he is being a bit played too. In that...she just comes to him when she is having problems with you...She could be playing both of you and playing on his sympathy. You both should dump her and let her figure stuff out on her own. Edited April 22, 2017 by MountainGirl111 1
Author inigele14u Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 UPDATE: So I sent this to her via text... I hope I did the right thing here. Tell me what you think guys... "Read when you have time to read ---> Hey. I know it's late lol. But I think we have a problem and I don't think it's healthy to keep brushing it off. While I had access to your computer, I did look at your facebook messenger and found some conversations between you in a friend describing what seemed to be problems in our relationship. Now before you get all, "oh boy, you're controlling" hear me out. I am not okay with people of the opposite sex knowing my relationship business. You're giving room for unnecessary feedback that doesn't benefit the relationship. You're leaving room for Emotional cheating. What is emotional cheating? Emotional cheating comes in many forms and disguises. Your intention could be completely innocent, but your actions are not. For example. You have a guy friend and you ask him for advice after an argument with your boyfriend. Seems innocent enough right? Well that same guy friend, he is attracted to you - you two have flirted before - you two have conversed or thought about dating. Even if you think the two of you have no intention of dating or being intimate any longer, you're emotionally cheating. You know the attraction is there, you know I wouldn't like what you are doing so you didn't tell me - secrecy is there, and you most likely wouldn't want the same exact thing to happen to you. Think about it, would you feel bad if I flirted with a woman before the relationship, went to see her at her crib, then later on while in a relationship with you I talked crap about you with her and told her my relationship problems? I know you know it is wrong. You might try to justify it either consciously or subconsciously or by asking a friend who won't tell you the truth and always takes your side.... but it's not committed. There's secrecy, there's things being exposed that shouldn't, there's attraction. It doesn't matter if someone lives 5 miles or 3,000 miles if secrecy and attraction (previous or current) is involved in anything you do, it's cheating. You do not see me doing this because I purposely do not put myself in this position. I make it so obvious to you, so obvious what my intentions are. You can have any password you want, you know my phone password, there is no secrecy. Ask me anything, I got you. I am completely transparent. You, obviously, are not. We are four months in and there has been secrecy with two things. I shrug it off though because I want us to work, and I want to believe that you are decent enough to respect the relationship after this conversation. I think we need to reevaluate our boundaries. I recently talked to a stranger female (Lisa) about our relationship to ask for advice. Although there is not attraction (ever) and there was no crap talking, it was still a female and I shouldn't of done that if I don't want you to do it. And I'm sorry for that. Unless of course, it's a psychiatrist lol. I am only telling you this for two reasons, one I want our relationship to last - two I love you. Please take everything I said into consideration, thank you. If there is any problem in our relationship then you should tell me... Don't confide anywhere else. We are in a relationship, a bond between two people... not 3, 4, or more... I'd like to keep it that way. There is no real benefit in finding advice elsewhere, that's what's wrong in a lot of relationships that have failed. Maybe even your previous relationships or mine. Someone or both was asking their friends for advice... it became their friend's actions, and not theirs... and it ruined the trust, stability, respect, atmosphere in the relationship. So remember when you are doing these things, you are willingly taking the relationship down a road of failure. If you're scared to talk to me about problems, then the relationship has already failed. I don't want you to be scared of anything I do, I want you to be comfortable as you should be. I want you to feel like a Queen. Good night." 1
Author inigele14u Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 That being said, taking my own advice, I'll exit here. I will, however, see what you guys have to say. I know some of you are probably thinking "raaawwrrr she can talk to whoever she wants to about anything". That's a dangerous want to run a relationship, and this is definitely not a jealousy thing. I'm a State Trooper. I'm in the Air Force Reserves as a military officer. I do variance community projects, and I'm very satisfied with life. I know my worth, trust me. Don't give me that run down lol. I feel like other people shouldn't know our relationship problems here on out. Thank you for any advice though guys, I appreciate it! 2
MountainGirl111 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Yes, you nailed in on several fronts. She's not going to get unbiased, good, sage advice from that guy. No way, no how. 1
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I can see it if you were teenagers because of the lack of experience BUT as mature adults, YOU should be talking to your SO if you have an issues in your relationship. Communication with your partner is key...this is how you learn how relationships work, this is how you learn how to handle things, this is how you learn about your expectations and needs and the needs of your partner.....DUH. No one else needs to know about your %^&*. IMO I would find it insulting to me personally that my SO felt they couldn't discuss things with me...it would hurt. You can't stop her from what she is doing...it is what it is. This is a compatibility issue....you both have different expectations of how communication should work between you. You could try to talk to her about it as a last ditch effort and put your foot down, but I doubt she's gonna not go down without a fight. She's way too attached to her friend, and her ways of dealing with issues. She is failing this relationship. 1
OatsAndHall Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I can see it if you were teenagers because of the lack of experience BUT as mature adults, YOU should be talking to your SO if you have an issues in your relationship. Communication with your partner is key...this is how you learn how relationships work, this is how you learn how to handle things, this is how you learn about your expectations and needs and the needs of your partner.....DUH. No one else needs to know about your %^&*. IMO I would find it insulting to me personally that my SO felt they couldn't discuss things with me...it would hurt. You can't stop her from what she is doing...it is what it is. This is a compatibility issue....you both have different expectations of how communication should work between you. You could try to talk to her about it as a last ditch effort and put your foot down, but I doubt she's gonna not go down without a fight. She's way too attached to her friend, and her ways of dealing with issues. She is failing this relationship. I agree with this. She needs to be communicating with you about the issues in the relationship, not running to someone else. It would add insult to injury for me if she were confiding in a guy she stated she had feelings for in the past. I have a friend who ended up divorced because her husband was complaining about their marriage to another woman and she caught it. 1
Author inigele14u Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 Well when you guys put it like that I feel really bad... She accepted what I said in that text this morning without fuss, said it's her job to make me feel good not bad. I feel like I should have seen this coming and I feel like a push over. I leave roses on her windshield, I bring her flowers, I take long distance trips with her, I spoil her... she does this. Doesn't look good...
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 If you ever want this to work, want to show how committed and serious you are, then communicate your issues in person, not through text. With text there can be miscommunication, you make accusations without hearing their explanations, and it sends you all down a rocky road.
Author inigele14u Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 Well as of right now we are in the process of moving so she lives about 1,000 miles away. We have to communicate through text or phone. Later she said she'd call me.
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