Is it appropriate to use "dear" to address a woman in a professional setting

[JuneL]

I noticed that some older folks, especially some older women and those in customer service like to use "dear" (or other terms of endearment) to address someone younger. Thinking back, a couple of my former neighbors used to call me "dear" from time to time.

 

My question: Is it appropriate for a man in a position with more power to call a woman who is somewhat younger "dear" in a more professional setting? Examples of what I have in mind: a client who is in a very senior position and who work with you occasionally; a physician you have been seeing for a while. In these examples, the relationship is professional but not super formal.

[GorillaTheater]

I sure wouldn't do it, nor recommend that anyone else do so. I'm not sure you can pull that off too well unless you're at least in your late 60s.

 

 

But context counts. As you mention, it's a habit with some older folks who mean nothing demeaning or sexual with a "dear".

[preraph]

Nothing you can do about it. It's a term of endearment, but depends how it's said, can sometimes be a bit condescending. Old people will say it. I think it more than I say it, but usually when I do it's either in a nice way OR it can mean "Oh, you poor naive soul."

 

But remember, some old folks call their husband and wife and kids "dear" and mean nothing at all bad by it. So my advice is unless someone is clearly working against you or trying to undermine your authority, overlook it.

[JuneL]

 

But remember, some old folks call their husband and wife and kids "dear" and mean nothing at all bad by it. So my advice is unless someone is clearly working against you or trying to undermine your authority, overlook it.

 

Thanks for your feedback. Indeed, some people like to call someone close to them "dear", and that's my original concern.

 

For the situation with that senior client whom I have to interact with briefly every 1-2 months, my concern is more about whether he's trying to flirt. We've always addressed each other by first name, so his calling me "dear" this last time caught me off guard; there were other signals/signs. While this guy seems like a "great catch" on paper (and is divorced and single), I absolutely don't want anything to do with him beyond a pure professional relationship. Perhaps I should start keeping some distance and keeping things very professional with him.

[d0nnivain]

It's condescending.

 

 

I will put up with it from somebody who is old enough to be my grandfather. Since I am now 50, those guys are all dead. Anybody else calls me "dear" "honey" or anything else like that gets their head bitten off. I'll put with "hon" from a diner waitress. Usually I say My name is Donnivain; please call me that. If they use one of these fake terms of endearment after that, . . . well I have been known to use language that would get me kicked off LS.

[JuneL]

It's condescending.

 

 

I will put up with it from somebody who is old enough to be my grandfather. Since I am now 50, those guys are all dead. Anybody else calls me "dear" "honey" or anything else like that gets their head bitten off. I'll put with "hon" from a diner waitress. Usually I say My name is Donnivain; please call me that. If they use one of these fake terms of endearment after that, . . . well I have been known to use language that would get me kicked off LS.

 

Good that you can stand up for yourself and let them know you prefer to be addressed by your first name.

 

I once read the following:

Doctor: How are you doing, dear?

Patient: I am fine, cutie pie.

:-)

[SoleMate]

Oh, I rather like the "dear"s and "hon"s from the really weather-beaten and ancient waitresses in old fashioned coffee shops and diners. It comes from a kindly place.

 

From men, any sort of endearment or pet name used for me in the business or commercial world - whatever the role - is gross, offensive, demeaning, and will result in his fool head getting verbally bitten off.

[Ronni_W]

I sure wouldn't do it, nor recommend that anyone else do so. I'm not sure you can pull that off too well unless you're at least in your late 60s.

80s is the new 60s...so, GT, don't try to pull this off until you are at least in your late 80s!!! Fair warning, yes? .

[OpenBook]

Too funny - I just started a thread in "Personal Rants" about something similar. It's so irritating, isn't it? And so inappropriate. And I'm at a loss how to handle it.

 

My question: Is it appropriate for a man in a position with more power to call a woman who is somewhat younger "dear" in a more professional setting?

 

NO!!!! In a professional setting - no way!

 

I noticed that some older folks, especially some older women and those in customer service like to use "dear" (or other terms of endearment) to address someone younger. Thinking back, a couple of my former neighbors used to call me "dear" from time to time.

 

It's not just older-to-younger. I get it all the time from younger waitstaff. I've never gotten it from males though, only females. (I'm female.)

 

I'm with other posters on the age thing, though - if it's coming from an elderly person, I don't mind it... probably because of my beloved grandparents.

[JuneL]

Too funny - I just started a thread in "Personal Rants" about something similar. It's so irritating, isn't it? And so inappropriate. And I'm at a loss how to handle it.

 

 

What a coincidence!

 

I also have no problem getting called endearment terms by elderly women. I was caught off guard when someone did this to me in a professional setting, a man no less. From the tone of it, it was more an attempt of flirting instead of demeaning. Just wanted to confirm that was inappropriate.

[stillafool]

No and if you don't want to get fired for sexual harassment it's best to call women by their name, don't compliment them and never ever touch them.

[d0nnivain]

I once read the following:

Doctor: How are you doing, dear?

Patient: I am fine, cutie pie.

:-)

 

 

In college I had a professor who used to call me Donni. Made me crazy. I'd repeatedly say "My name is Donnivain or Vain, but please don't call me Donni; I don't like it." IRL I have one of those names that can be shorted either by the front or the back & I happen to shorten mine to the back.

 

 

Anyway the professor kept doing it. Finally, I started calling him Johnny in class.

 

 

He got all upset & screamed at me: "My name is Professor Johnathon Doe & you will call me Professor Doe."

 

 

I replied, "Now you understand how I feel Johnny. My name is Donnivain not Donni & as soon as you start calling me by my correct name I will stop calling you Johnny."

 

 

He apologized & we got along fine for the rest of the semester.

 

 

You teach people how to treat you.

[preraph]

Thanks for your feedback. Indeed, some people like to call someone close to them "dear", and that's my original concern.

 

For the situation with that senior client whom I have to interact with briefly every 1-2 months, my concern is more about whether he's trying to flirt. We've always addressed each other by first name, so his calling me "dear" this last time caught me off guard; there were other signals/signs. While this guy seems like a "great catch" on paper (and is divorced and single), I absolutely don't want anything to do with him beyond a pure professional relationship. Perhaps I should start keeping some distance and keeping things very professional with him.

 

Well, I have not really heard it used to hit on someone, but if his other actions say he is hitting on you, then maybe he is. But don't jump to that conclusion just based on "dear." I call my dogs "dear" all the time.

[JuneL]

Well, I have not really heard it used to hit on someone, but if his other actions say he is hitting on you, then maybe he is. But don't jump to that conclusion just based on "dear." I call my dogs "dear" all the time.

 

Thanks. I just thought he's trying to make our relationship more personal.

[preraph]

Thanks. I just thought he's trying to make our relationship more personal.

 

Yeah but it could be in a more fatherly/daughterly way. I mean, you'll have to keep your eyes open for less nebulous signs before you know for sure what he is or isn't up to.

[spiderowl]

Absolutely not. If a man in a higher position called me dear, I would feel offended and patronised. No-one in my workplace would dare to do this.

[JuneL]

Yeah but it could be in a more fatherly/daughterly way. I mean, you'll have to keep your eyes open for less nebulous signs before you know for sure what he is or isn't up to.

 

The guy is only like 5-6 years older, which rules out the fatherly/daughterly thing. But I totally see what you mean. Thanks again.