Does 'no contact' rule apply here? Looking for guidance.

[P_Maz]

Hello!

I'm happy to have found this forum as I am really struggling with a recent "break-up" and how I should go about contacting my ex for some answers because I have so many questions. I'm not sure if the no contact rule applies here or not. Or maybe it hasn't started yet. I definitely want to get back together with her. Here goes...

 

--My girlfriend of 4.5 months just "ended" our relationship last Friday night (April 14th) thru Facebook Messenger. Quick back story, we are both 37/38 years old and met on eHarmony back in mid-November. We talked on there for 3 weeks before meeting. Once meeting, we hit it off immediately and things progressed quickly. We each have a son (age 7 and 6) from a previous marriage. We introduced everyone casually in January. Things were great. Only minor issue was that we live about an hour and 10 minutes apart but we were making that work.

--Plans were made for summer, etc and there was lots of excitement all-around. ... Fast-forward to recently. My girlfriend and her son took a trip to California for Spring Break (week of April 10th). While she was there I didn't hear from her at all and she didn't respond to my messages. Then she gets back last Thursday and I still don't hear from here. I try calling Friday night, no answer. Then, around 11:30 on Friday night I get a Facebook message from her saying the following:

--"I'm sure you are wondering where I have been. I have not been very happy as of late and the trip clarified things for me. In the past two months, maybe longer, I have communicated several needs of mine. Most or all have gone unfulfilled. I thought they would even out eventually but they have seemed to create some negative side effects. I don't want to continue to date. I'm sorry."

--Now, I knew something was up prior to getting this message as I wasn't hearing from her, however I didn't expect something that harsh. We never fought and always got along great. After getting that message, I asked if we could talk on the phone and she said no and didn't respond further. I couldn't sleep that night so ended up typing her a really long-winded, heart-felt message (maybe shouldn't have done that but emotions got the best of me). She replied saying she didn't want to fix anything and didn't want to continue our relationship. I simply responded saying I'm sorry she feels that way but that I'd like to talk to her or meet with her to understand better. That was on Saturday. There's been no more communication since.

--It's now Friday and I am desperately searching for answers. I simply want to talk to her, I feel she owes me that. She will not answer any questions regarding what needs I didn't meet and I honestly have no idea what she means by that. I have no idea what these negative side effects are either.

She's never communicated these needs like she said she did and never once told me she was unhappy with anything. We were always open and communicative about everything. We took a weekend road trip about a month ago that went really well. Since then, we've only seen each other three times due to sick kids, etc. Those times were great, again no problems.

--Two nights before she left for her trip, she had a very unpleasant conversation with her ex-husband and father of her child (they've been apart for 6+ years). After that, her and I spoke on the phone for two hours and I was a great sounding board for her. Now, here I am trying to piece this all together.

--I desperately want to send her another message requesting a time to meet or at least talk on the phone. What I need advice on, is when do I send this request? Tonight? Tomorrow? Wait a week? Longer? I really feel she owes me something more. I want this to be settled amicably and keep the options open for the future. I also think I deserve more respect that to have this done thru Facebook.

--Thoughts? This just seems so ridiculous, I've never seen this side of her, she was always so sweet and kind. The vagueness of her message really bothers me.

 

Thanks in advance. This week has been tough for me as we had three events planned together and now they've all been cancelled. I really need some advice on how/when to contact her as I really need answers.

[MountainGirl111]

I know what it feels like to be "cut off". And needing answers.

 

A man I was having a relationship with after I divorced....well we were friends for a long time and then fell in love...so all told we were in a relationship for years....

 

Then, it ended and there was no way to contact him except through social media. I wanted some answers and wasn't getting any and I felt I needed answers for closure for myself. I felt like he just left me...and left me hanging...I needed to know some things so I could 'move on', ya know?

 

Well, then I found out through a mutual (friend?) that he was talking trash about me to her and telling how awful I was and stuff and why he broke things off. Most of it was simply NOT TRUE. But wan't vindication against me and so he became passive aggressive because he could not be open and honest with ME.

 

So, talking about me behind my back and spreading rumors was how he was going to get back at me, I guess. Anyways, this lady said something to me that was a clear put down in a most vile tone of voice. Now, I'm not close to her but I know her history. And she is a gal friend of his. Well, she is a piece of work, but that's another story.

 

Anyways, he did get back in touch with me and I asked/confronted him about that and he of course denied it. But I know the truth. I know he talked to her about me. He would never admit it though.

 

So, that cinched it. Not only did he leave me hanging. He trashed me behind my back. I'll NEVER get answers....WHY? Because he will never be honest. And I can't make him honest. I simply can't. So, it was over and I just had to go on with my life.

 

Seriously though? I am better off without his drama. Really, I am. I'm free. I don't need that BS and drama in my life. I really don't. And if I find myself romanticizing the past , I just remind myself of that.

[d0nnivain]

As the dumper she will apply the NC rule to you, meaning she will not respond to you (for your own good).

 

She told you why she was ending things. She feels unfulfilled & has felt this way for at least 25% of the duration of your relationship, if not longer. She has no desire to give you more info & she will not take time to meet & answer your Qs. You got as much from her as you ever will & more then most get.

 

 

Do not send her more messages. Do not chase after her. Have some dignity. Anything you do to reach out will be met with hostility. If you persist, you will end up on the wrong end of a suit or charge of harassment or worse.

 

 

You need to apply NC to preserve your own dignity & to help yourself heal. Chasing after her won't win her back. It will only annoy her & make you look weak.

[Techmonkey]

You've done all you can. If she doesn't want to communicate further, let her go. I'm sorry. I know it hurts. A lot. Like D0nnivain said, Accept it and start healing. Clinging and probing will only make the break hurt worse and give her more reason to distance herself.

[jamili]

If there is any chance in hell of her coming back, you have to realize and accept that it will be from accepting her decision (however unfounded), walking away and keeping NC.

 

Any kind of chasing or contacting her is just going to push her further and further away. Seems counterintuitive, but it is how it is. Logic doesnt apply to break ups.

 

Never ever contact her, just walk away. 99% of dumpees dont do this (outside of loveshack ), so it will likely make her curious down the line, which is a good thing... but even that is not going to mean really anything about reconciliation.

 

In my experience the best action is to start moving on... and if she comes back someday in the distant future... you can then think about crossing that bridge then.

 

NC forever until, and IF, she comes back.

[restore]

I, like the majority here will disagree. I would write a letter and deliver it to her mailbox, then go.

 

Ive had this with my ex many times and it worked out after some time. you have nothing to lose.

 

I think there is something very fishy and either you are not telling the full story or pertinent info, or im guessing something happened in california. maybe she met up with an ex. who knows.

 

seems very fishy. find out. go drop a letter or send it with a deliverer so you know she gets it by hand. but hang on. I hope it goes well for you

[Maldives]

Hello!

I'm happy to have found this forum as I am really struggling with a recent "break-up" and how I should go about contacting my ex for some answers because I have so many questions. I'm not sure if the no contact rule applies here or not. Or maybe it hasn't started yet. I definitely want to get back together with her. Here goes...

 

--My girlfriend of 4.5 months just "ended" our relationship last Friday night (April 14th) thru Facebook Messenger. Quick back story, we are both 37/38 years old and met on eHarmony back in mid-November. We talked on there for 3 weeks before meeting. Once meeting, we hit it off immediately and things progressed quickly. We each have a son (age 7 and 6) from a previous marriage. We introduced everyone casually in January. Things were great. Only minor issue was that we live about an hour and 10 minutes apart but we were making that work.

--Plans were made for summer, etc and there was lots of excitement all-around. ... Fast-forward to recently. My girlfriend and her son took a trip to California for Spring Break (week of April 10th). While she was there I didn't hear from her at all and she didn't respond to my messages. Then she gets back last Thursday and I still don't hear from here. I try calling Friday night, no answer. Then, around 11:30 on Friday night I get a Facebook message from her saying the following:

--"I'm sure you are wondering where I have been. I have not been very happy as of late and the trip clarified things for me. In the past two months, maybe longer, I have communicated several needs of mine. Most or all have gone unfulfilled. I thought they would even out eventually but they have seemed to create some negative side effects. I don't want to continue to date. I'm sorry."

--Now, I knew something was up prior to getting this message as I wasn't hearing from her, however I didn't expect something that harsh. We never fought and always got along great. After getting that message, I asked if we could talk on the phone and she said no and didn't respond further. I couldn't sleep that night so ended up typing her a really long-winded, heart-felt message (maybe shouldn't have done that but emotions got the best of me). She replied saying she didn't want to fix anything and didn't want to continue our relationship. I simply responded saying I'm sorry she feels that way but that I'd like to talk to her or meet with her to understand better. That was on Saturday. There's been no more communication since.

--It's now Friday and I am desperately searching for answers. I simply want to talk to her, I feel she owes me that. She will not answer any questions regarding what needs I didn't meet and I honestly have no idea what she means by that. I have no idea what these negative side effects are either.

She's never communicated these needs like she said she did and never once told me she was unhappy with anything. We were always open and communicative about everything. We took a weekend road trip about a month ago that went really well. Since then, we've only seen each other three times due to sick kids, etc. Those times were great, again no problems.

--Two nights before she left for her trip, she had a very unpleasant conversation with her ex-husband and father of her child (they've been apart for 6+ years). After that, her and I spoke on the phone for two hours and I was a great sounding board for her. Now, here I am trying to piece this all together.

--I desperately want to send her another message requesting a time to meet or at least talk on the phone. What I need advice on, is when do I send this request? Tonight? Tomorrow? Wait a week? Longer? I really feel she owes me something more. I want this to be settled amicably and keep the options open for the future. I also think I deserve more respect that to have this done thru Facebook.

--Thoughts? This just seems so ridiculous, I've never seen this side of her, she was always so sweet and kind. The vagueness of her message really bothers me.

 

Thanks in advance. This week has been tough for me as we had three events planned together and now they've all been cancelled. I really need some advice on how/when to contact her as I really need answers.

 

OK the 1st thing and I think this is quiet critical. You haven't done anything wrong because normally we are pretty aware of our behaviour and we know if we have.

 

2 something has triggered her to react this way maybe the ex who knows. The bottom line is if she was truly into u she wouldn't be making up some poor excuse why she can't be with you. I think the needs thing is bullocks im not sure what it is but it's probably the attraction or connection. Possibly a 3rd party maybe the ex husband one of the above. I k m own it's important to understand why and Ithe doesn't appear she's going to tell you.

 

Dude it sux but all you can do is accept her decision and give her space the worst you can do is chase and call and try and find out why.

 

My guess is its either a 3rd party or the connection or attraction wasn't there for her but that's me guessing for sure she's not being up front. Know this it's not you i know that doesn't help but it definatly isn't there's not much we can do about the attraction or connection equation. Maybe more so the attraction you did say you connected well. Some woman are good at faking it Tho. I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know how hard these things are but if she was really into the relationship she wouldn't be breaking up especially this early on in the peice. The reason behind my reasoning I guess is because of exactly that it's only been a few mths this is your nice or honeymoon period it's that period where either of you try and figure out wether it's for you. Maybe her needs were to do with attraction or connection. You can try and find out what she means by needs. You may find she's reluctant to clarify for her own reasons. Good luck bro and sorry for the bluntness of the post who knows she may come back but I think this already is something to take into consideration as she's already left so early in the peice.

She's entitled to tho we all are anyway its a bit aof a numbers game until you find a benter fit. It's not only about finding the spark and conection there's compatability goals values no wonder relationships are so hard to get it right

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. I can see why you're so upset and confused.

 

However, I doubt she is going to respond to another message from you, OP.

 

I agree the way she went about this wasn't kind, but you can't force someone to speak to you. I know you feel she owes you an explanation, and it sure would be nice, but the tone of her previous messages indicates that you're not going to get anything else out of her.

 

It's hard in a situation such as this to suss out what really happened. Maybe she truly thought she was making her needs clear, even though you didn't catch on. Or maybe she's met someone else. Maybe she did something she shouldn't have and didn't the have the cojones to be honest but knew she couldn't remain in the relationship.

 

Can you think back, and identify any areas of the relationship she might have been unhappy about about?

[P_Maz]

Thank you all for the responses, I've enjoyed reading them. It's now Sunday and nothing has changed but I'm still not having an easy time with this. ... I cannot come up with anything in terms of unfulfilled needs. I've been thinking and thinking it over. Also cannot come up with anything that made her unhappy. All I can think of his how she did say a few times she did not have a desire to ever get married again or have more kids (she knew I was okay with it). Maybe that became more of her not wanting to be in a relationship at all based on her past experiences. I just don't know. I'm very tempted to call her and just attempt to talk things thru one last time -- that's what we've always done, we always talked about everything. Heck, before we introduce our kids to each other, we had a 3-hour phone conversation over whether or not the timing was right for that. This is just so bizarre.

[Blanco]

Right now, you're an addict and your ex is your drug. You must resist the temptation to call her in search of answers, because what's really going on is that you're simply trying to get your fix.

 

I can't speak for what this woman did, but for such a short relationship, you will possibly need to accept that she bowed out for whatever reason and it's unlikely you can do or change anything to alter her decision.

[BC1980]

Absolutely do not contact her again. You have tried twice, and she has said no each time. If you try to contact her again, she will probably block you. She has been very clear that she does not want to fix things or talk to you. I know that you don't understand what happened, but you have to let it go at this point. You have tried to figure out what she meant, and she is not willing to talk. There is nothing more you can do, and trying harder will push her away.

 

I'm sorry that you are left confused, but that is how it is sometimes. You might never know the real reason, but she might have met someone else. Actually, the way she ended things is probably the best way to do it. To the point and no more contact. I know it seems harsh, but stringing you along and entertaining meetups is more cruel.