New Guy

[Gracieboo]

I don't know. I don't know if he was falling for you and got scared of his emotions, or if he wanted to manipulate you knowing what you wanted and withholding it.

 

Second possibility is more likely. However, his tactic is not working. If anything, because of all back and forth, I feel less attraction comparing to when we met.

[act00]

After reading the update and the link provided, there are a couple issues going on here.

 

The first being that you broke up with him twice because you were unhappy. Something wasn't right, and the affection issue I would suspect is only part of the issue. Something isn't clicking for you, so you wanted to end it, then got back together twice. If it's not going to work for you, just stop it. I'm okay with "giving it one more try," but if on that try the feelings are the same, listen to your gut and go. It's not for you. Don't dump him because "something changed," and certainly tell him what's bothering you, and accept that this change may be the new status quo.

 

Then I read the provided link. You seem to quickly break up when there is a change in the dynamic. Life has changes. Things change. When you're in a new relationship, if you like the guy, stick around. You won't know unless you put some effort into it. Learn to work around the changes. Communicate. Compromise. A new guy/girl might change their communication and availability for two reasons:

1. He is no longer interested.
   
2. It's perfectly normal for relationships to slow down as the honeymoon phase wears off and you settle into a little more normalcy.
   

 

It can be hard. You get worried, "We used to talk every day," but it's normal to settle into something a little less in frequency, but more in quality. The intensity of a new relationship cannot maintain forever. It's exhausting. As an example, you're all gung-ho to meet after work almost every day and on weekends until you realize you need some down time and other responsibilities are being neglected and you're scrambling to get basics done, which cuts into any free time you have or just getting some sleep, and you start to scale back a little. This is normal. You can't just drop everything because something changes. You need to at least give it a try. If it's truly not something that you can work with, at least you tried, and if he is scaling back because he's just not interested, at least you tried.

[Gracieboo]

After reading the update and the link provided, there are a couple issues going on here.

 

The first being that you broke up with him twice because you were unhappy. Something wasn't right, and the affection issue I would suspect is only part of the issue. Something isn't clicking for you, so you wanted to end it, then got back together twice. If it's not going to work for you, just stop it. I'm okay with "giving it one more try," but if on that try the feelings are the same, listen to your gut and go. It's not for you. Don't dump him because "something changed," and certainly tell him what's bothering you, and accept that this change may be the new status quo.

 

Then I read the provided link. You seem to quickly break up when there is a change in the dynamic. Life has changes. Things change. When you're in a new relationship, if you like the guy, stick around. You won't know unless you put some effort into it. Learn to work around the changes. Communicate. Compromise. A new guy/girl might change their communication and availability for two reasons:

1. He is no longer interested.
   
2. It's perfectly normal for relationships to slow down as the honeymoon phase wears off and you settle into a little more normalcy.
   

 

It can be hard. You get worried, "We used to talk every day," but it's normal to settle into something a little less in frequency, but more in quality. The intensity of a new relationship cannot maintain forever. It's exhausting. As an example, you're all gung-ho to meet after work almost every day and on weekends until you realize you need some down time and other responsibilities are being neglected and you're scrambling to get basics done, which cuts into any free time you have or just getting some sleep, and you start to scale back a little. This is normal. You can't just drop everything because something changes. You need to at least give it a try. If it's truly not something that you can work with, at least you tried, and if he is scaling back because he's just not interested, at least you tried.

 

 

Thanks for a lenghty response. I get what you are saying but my two situations are very different. With the new guy I broke up twice because I felt he was using me for sex, nothing has really changed. :mad:I will give you the timeline:

 

Went out on first date (it took him 3 days to reach out and set the second one)

Went on the second date (both were more than 3 hours)

Next day he asks me to go over to his place and watch a movie. (I got frustrated because I finally liked someone, but it seemed he only wanted something casual. I told myself, I would be ok with a casual thing)

Went over to his place We had sex and he kisses me on the cheek as I was leaving in the morning but at that point he texted me almost every day, once a day. He also gave me a book to read.

I asked him what he was looking for and he said he was not looking for a casual relationship and wanted to see how things develop between us.

I don't hear from him 3 days after this convo and I dump him. He tells me to keep the book and wishes me all the best.

A week later he apologizes for being distant and wants to go out for dinner At the end of a date he asks me to go over to his place and I refuse.

Few days later he asks me over to his place again I went over and in the morning we went out to have breakfast. I get a kiss on the cheek again.

We had another date, just casual drinks

Few days later (again after not hearing from him for 3 days) I dump him. He tells me that I probably feel like FBW because we only see each other once a week due to my busy schedule.

 

After almost two months, he reaches out again At this point, I dont expect anything from him and dont even want to. I wanted to have fun. He asks me out for dinner, I suggested his place instead. Surprisingly, he was extremely affectionate and extremely interested in my life, my future plans and school choice. He even asks what to change so I dont get angry with him again (perfect opportunity to talk but I missed it). I kiss him on the lips in the morning and leave.

Two days later, he asks again to go out for dinner and mentions another place we could visit. You know the rest of the story. He was kissing my face in the restaurant, held my hand as we were walking to his apartment, kissed my face and held me tightly in the morning. But it's been now 3 days and I havent heard from him.

 

So, I tell myself I would be ok with a casual thing, but then not sure if he acts casual. Like, I offered myself to go to his place instead to have a dinner. Next date, he makes sure we go out first. And he is even more affectionate than ever before.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Gracieboo

[BaileyB]

It's definitely casual. If you are ok with that, then there is no problem.

 

If you want more, you have to require more. But, I wouldn't be reading into this looking for signs or expecting that it is more than it is... You've set this up to be about sex... I don't see it changing.

[Gracieboo]

It's definitely casual. If you are ok with that, then there is no problem.

 

If you want more, you have to require more. But, I wouldn't be reading into this looking for signs or expecting that it is more than it is... You've set this up to be about sex... I don't see it changing.

 

My problem is a busy schedule. If it is going to be casual, I dont want to go out and waste three hours on dinners or movies. Instead of meeting him at 6pm and getting all dressed up, I could just go over to his place at 9 pm. Zero effort.

[BaileyB]

Well, then tell him that. If you want casual sex, tell him that he doesn't have to buy you dinner, you are not "dating," you are just going to come over at 9 to Netflix and chill...

 

But, then you should really expect him to kiss you on the mouth and text everyday like a boyfriend would do... If it's casual and mostly about the sex, then that's the way it goes...

 

But I'm confused, didn't you break up with him twice because you didn't want to just be FWB? I thought you wanted a relationship and that's why you were upset that he wouldn't kiss you on the mouth or call you more often... Perhaps I'm not understanding, it does seem that you contradict yourself often...

Edited April 23, 2017 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

It seems like you have feels for this guy and he just wants to keep it casual. He's dropping off because he can. I don't think you can do this without hurting yourself more. The person who has the feelings always "loses" in these circumstances. Relationships really don't develop this way.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

My problem is a busy schedule. If it is going to be casual, I dont want to go out and waste three hours on dinners or movies. Instead of meeting him at 6pm and getting all dressed up, I could just go over to his place at 9 pm. Zero effort.

 

I guarantee you, if you said something like "wanna skip dinner and just meet up tonight?" next time he asks you out, he'd be in.

[BaileyB]

It seems like you have feels for this guy and he just wants to keep it casual. He's dropping off because he can. I don't think you can do this without hurting yourself more. The person who has the feelings always "loses" in these circumstances. Relationships really don't develop this way.

 

That's how I see it too. Just reading what you have written Gracieboo, it doesn't seem to me that you are really ok with casual sex - and that is fine. I wouldn't be either...

 

Just don't have casual sex with this guy if you are expecting more, because you will get hurt!

[Gracieboo]

I don't have feeling for this guy but I have to admit when I met him I was like "wow." He is everything I am looking for in a man. However, after all the drama and I also got to know him better and realized he is just another guy with some flaws as eveyone else.

Now, he is nice and I still like him and would like a relationship with him but if it is not working... I cant change it.

 

Another reason why I might be ok with only seeing him sometimes is that I am really busy. I am in school and work full time. Realistically, I don't have the time for a relationship. I would, however, go out of my way for the right guy (this guy seemed promising at first). Now, I just don't want him to waste my time. Now, I feel like it is more my ego than feelings that hurt.

[Gracieboo]

I guarantee you, if you said something like "wanna skip dinner and just meet up tonight?" next time he asks you out, he'd be in.

 

That is what I did the first time and he said: ok then just come over. However, 3 days later and he was: lets make up for the last time and go out for a dinner.

[Gracieboo]

Well, then tell him that. If you want casual sex, tell him that he doesn't have to buy you dinner, you are not "dating," you are just going to come over at 9 to Netflix and chill...

 

But, then you should really expect him to kiss you on the mouth and text everyday like a boyfriend would do... If it's casual and mostly about the sex, then that's the way it goes...

 

 

But I'm confused, didn't you break up with him twice because you didn't want to just be FWB? I thought you wanted a relationship and that's why you were upset that he wouldn't kiss you on the mouth or call you more often... Perhaps I'm not understanding, it does seem that you contradict yourself often...

 

Yes, I told him I dont want FWB, but in meantime I got over it. After, two "break ups" all the excitment is gone and I think I would be ok with just casual thing.

[Miss Spider]

That is what I did the first time and he said: ok then just come over. However, 3 days later and he was: lets make up for the last time and go out for a dinner.

 

Yea it's a lot of drama

 

He thinks he has to make up for it because he thinks you aren't cool with just going over to his house to bang, and that is a fair assumption. Plus you have shown you want more than that. Now you have to show/tell him you're cool with being casual/fwb.

 

I have never been in that situation, but from what I have heard, it's VERY

important for fwb to communicate with each other. If you don't feel there's enough communication or affection, you have to tell them you want more, and if it's not working you need a new fwb.

 

If he ignores you or makes you feel insecure days after you see him, after you have told him it bothers you, he doesn't sound like a good candidate for what you want. When one party doesn't care much, the more invested party will just take whatever they can get and be unhappy with it. The person who doesn't care might throw a bone or two now and then ...like the other person said it's that song and dance to keep the other person around

 

You've set a prescedent for how he can treat you, so he does. But it really doesn't matter, because as show by the first time you broke it off, he doesn't care much even if you go

 

If you want nsa/casual with this guy, which even if he's hot I think is really unadvisable, then when he says that just say there was nothing to make up for and you had a lot of fun at his place last time and just want to come over. Tell him you want a fwb/nsa and be consistent with your actions. Dont expect him to call/treat you like a gf and call it off when he doesn't

 

But be real and only do that if it's what you want.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gracieboo]

Yea it's a lot of drama

 

He thinks he has to make up for it because he thinks you aren't cool with just going over to his house to bang, and that is a fair assumption. Plus you have shown you want more than that. Now you have to show/tell him you're cool with being casual/fwb.

 

I have never been in that situation, but from what I have heard, it's VERY

important for fwb to communicate with each other. If you don't feel there's enough communication or affection, you have to tell them you want more, and if it's not working you need a new fwb.

 

If he ignores you or makes you feel insecure days after you see him, after you have told him it bothers you, he doesn't sound like a good candidate for what you want. When one party doesn't care much, the more invested party will just take whatever they can get and be unhappy with it. The person who doesn't care might throw a bone or two now and then ...like the other person said it's that song and dance to keep the other person around

 

You've set a prescedent for how he can treat you, so he does. But it really doesn't matter, because as show by the first time you broke it off, he doesn't care much even if you go

 

If you want nsa/casual with this guy, which even if he's hot I think is really unadvisable, then when he says that just say there was nothing to make up for and you had a lot of fun at his place last time and just want to come over. Tell him you want a fwb/nsa and be consistent with your actions. Dont expect him to call/treat you like a gf and call it off when he doesn't

 

But be real and only do that if it's what you want.

 

I get it now. It just seems bizarre that he puts so much effort on one hand (like planning dates and taking me out for breakfast in the morning, or showing affection at the restaurant and again, fails to do simpler things like text me more often or kiss me on the lips (it takes a second and what's the big deal).

And what is also weird is that he keeps reaching out (yeah, I know I keep saying yes) and he knows that when he messes up again, I will be out again. He even asked me how not to screw thing up this time... and yet he exactly knows what he is doing and he keeps doing it

[Gracieboo]

It is me again. Well, since I never heard from this guy since last Friday when we woke up together and parted ways, I texted him today. And...got no response. Well, it was an angry text so, I guess I wasnt expecting a response. I know the best approach would have been to do nothing but frustration got better part of me. I got frustrated because I kind of decided to keep things casual this time, he insisted on going out, and in the end he ghosted me (this is the longest he went without a text).

 

Now, since we started seeing each other again (two weeks ago), I never initiated conversation. But again, last time I told him I feel like we are FWB and he was the one who wanted to keep seeing me again, so I left it to him to "prove" himself.

Either way here is the text. Just wanted to share with LS

 

"Not sure what exactly you wanted when you asked me out (again) but I wish you never wasted my time (especially at the restaurant). In case you ever think of contacting me again, please don't. "

[Tressugar]

Well I guess he won't contact you then per your request.

[Gracieboo]

That is probably for the best. We always end things on friendly terms and he keeps coming back into my life. Yes, I know it takes two people to agree to go out and see each other but, if I was clear I don't want FWB, at least stop pretending you want a relationship.

[todreaminblue]

hey gracie, this guy you have dumped twice....i dotn blame him fro wanting to take things slow...sounds like you hav econfused him no end....so try honesty and if you really dont like the guy...let him go..dont go there again..btu if you are looking for a perfect guy with zero to little flaws...you wont find one......and you really ought to date guys a little longer before you sleep with them in the future......because guys can get hurt too..just as much as you....so go slower...give guys a chance to begin with ...no chances after you dump them and take them back and then dump them again....give them that chance in the first place......when you let a guy go...thats it....you then have to realize also that it could be you who lost a chance to know a great guy...so let a guy go with no regrets..and let them go find what they desrve to have as well as yourself......i wish you well....deb

Edited April 26, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Dis]

That is probably for the best. We always end things on friendly terms and he keeps coming back into my life. Yes, I know it takes two people to agree to go out and see each other but, if I was clear I don't want FWB, at least stop pretending you want a relationship.

 

I think you need to take some responsiblity for your part in this

 

If you didnt want FWB, why did you have sex with him without having established an exclusive relationship with him?

 

When you had sex with him....you handed him what he wanted and you cheated yourself out of what you wanted

 

Cutting ties with him is absolutely for the best but I hope you follow through with that

 

You seem like the kind of person who has blurry boundaries and lets people step over them whenever they like

 

End things with this guy and think long and hard about your patterns and what is it you really want before jumping into anything again

[BaileyB]

Well I guess he won't contact you then per your request.

 

Absolutely. This is a lot of drama....

[Gracieboo]

I think you need to take some responsiblity for your part in this

 

If you didnt want FWB, why did you have sex with him without having established an exclusive relationship with him?

 

When you had sex with him....you handed him what he wanted and you cheated yourself out of what you wanted

 

Cutting ties with him is absolutely for the best but I hope you follow through with that

 

You seem like the kind of person who has blurry boundaries and lets people step over them whenever they like

 

End things with this guy and think long and hard about your patterns and what is it you really want before jumping into anything again

 

The last thing I want is to use sex to manipulate someone.

And when he asked me over on our third date, I was sure he wanted fwb, and I was ok with that (in the moment). But then, he started confusing me with asking me out all the time, talking about future, being affectionate but still something was missing. Anyway, I do accept responsibility for going back to him every time he reached out.

[Dis]

The last thing I want is to use sex to manipulate someone.

And when he asked me over on our third date, I was sure he wanted fwb, and I was ok with that (in the moment). But then, he started confusing me with asking me out all the time, talking about future, being affectionate but still something was missing. Anyway, I do accept responsibility for going back to him every time he reached out.

 

I'm not accusing you of manipulating anyone

 

I'm just saying, establish some boundaries

 

You need to know what you want and stick to that

 

I'm not comfortable with a FWB situation...thats why I hold off on sex until an exclusive relationship is established and until I'm comfortable taking that step

 

And of course he told you all that BS...he wanted to get in your pants

 

I'm glad you understand you shouldnt be replying to him when he reaches out...I hope you stick to that. Blocking him would be a good start. Otherwise round and round you'll go until you dont know which way is up and which way is down

 

If I were you, I'd be so turned off by this guy...I wouldve been over it a long time ago

[Gracieboo]

I'm not accusing you of manipulating anyone

 

I'm just saying, establish some boundaries

 

You need to know what you want and stick to that

 

I'm not comfortable with a FWB situation...thats why I hold off on sex until an exclusive relationship is established and until I'm comfortable taking that step

 

And of course he told you all that BS...he wanted to get in your pants

 

I'm glad you understand you shouldnt be replying to him when he reaches out...I hope you stick to that. Blocking him would be a good start. Otherwise round and round you'll go until you dont know which way is up and which way is down

 

If I were you, I'd be so turned off by this guy...I wouldve been over it a long time ago

 

Ok, I get it. You just don't put yourself in a situation where you could potentially be FWB.

I am kind of turned off by this guy at this point. Still attracted to him but to a much lesser degree than two months ago.

[Dis]

Ok, I get it. You just don't put yourself in a situation where you could potentially be FWB.

I am kind of turned off by this guy at this point. Still attracted to him but to a much lesser degree than two months ago.

 

If a guy treated me the way this guy treated you???

 

I'd be gone...like yesterday

 

Yuck

 

Block him girl and next time be consistent. No breaking up and getting back together. No blurry boundaries. No sex until you feel ready.

 

Best of luck

[Gracieboo]

If a guy treated me the way this guy treated you???

 

I'd be gone...like yesterday

 

Yuck

 

Block him girl and next time be consistent. No breaking up and getting back together. No blurry boundaries. No sex until you feel ready.

 

Thank you.

Well, yes, he didn't show much interest (at least on days when we were not together). Why was I not sure what is going on? Because, I realized that not everyone is the same. In majority of cases, if a guy is interested he will reach out often and let you know. But, I also read here on LS that some guys like to hang out in person and only use texting to set up dates (at least during first few months of dating).

And this guy was doing it. Like texting every two days (I rarely initiated anything) and his texts were meaningful and long. But, I could feel lack of interest just wasn't 100% sure. And then, there was that confusing peck on the cheek.