Gracieboo Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Hi LS, I am in a dating world again. And while I met someone I truly like and could spend hours with him, there a few things that bother me. In general it is good. We went on couple of dates (mostly dinners) and he paid for almost everything. We were intimate too. Last night we had dinner close to his place and then when we walk to his apartment he held my hand. I thought it was cute (guys I dated before had a problem with holdong hands). When we woke up this morning, we cuddled for few hours and he asked me if I wanted to go grab breakfast but I said no. He made me coffee, we watched TV and then I left. What bothers me is that after dates (and sleepover) like this one, I dont hear from him every day (maybe every 2-3 days) and every time we are saying goodbye he gives me a hug and a peck on the cheek. It just feels weird. I know it is still early (it's been a month) and we see each other only once a week.... I aksed him what he wants and he said he wants a meaningful relationship and he wants to see how things develop between us. Should I be worried about no texting and no goodbye kiss.
Shanex Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 From your words he seems affectionate enough in real life and that's what matters, not meaningless texting for hours on end. Holding hands is pretty rare past a certain age (depend on your locate and culture) and that's a good thing that he shows off to the rest of the world that he's proud to be with you. 2
Author Gracieboo Posted April 21, 2017 Author Posted April 21, 2017 From your words he seems affectionate enough in real life and that's what matters, not meaningless texting for hours on end. Holding hands is pretty rare past a certain age (depend on your locate and culture) and that's a good thing that he shows off to the rest of the world that he's proud to be with you. Thank you, that is what I think as well. Holding hands only happened last night (not this morning too) but I still think it was a positive sign. What's with the kiss on the cheek? Last week, he wanted to do the same thing, but I kissed him on the lips first (a peck on the lips) and left. This week again he did the same thing: a kiss on the cheek. Oh, and when we see each other we also only hug. It is really confusing. I also want to take things slow but don't want for it to take forever.
act00 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I'm bothered by it. After the level of intimacy, I think you should get some lip action along with that hug. You're not his granny. Going 2-3 days with zero communication would also bother me. It doesn't have to be a ton of texting/talking. I guess I've gotten used to the instant communication we have these days because back in the old days before texting, not talking for a couple of days was pretty normal, so I really should put this in perspective that it's not necessarily a red flag. He didn't hold your hand before for a couple dates, so I wonder if he's just not affectionate. I would have issues with this, particularly after you were intimate. How intimate, I don't know, as you state you're okay with taking things slow. Maybe that's where all his affection is, is in the bedroom, but you won't get much outside of it. I really don't know, but I admit, I would be very bothered by it. You enjoy your time with him, though, so see where it goes. Put in some time. It's not a waste of time. 2
Mumbles Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Thank you, that is what I think as well. Holding hands only happened last night (not this morning too) but I still think it was a positive sign. What's with the kiss on the cheek? Last week, he wanted to do the same thing, but I kissed him on the lips first (a peck on the lips) and left. This week again he did the same thing: a kiss on the cheek. Oh, and when we see each other we also only hug. It is really confusing. I also want to take things slow but don't want for it to take forever. I'm guessing that the peck on the cheek is riling you a bit given that you've been intimate? Seems like a step back from all the sweaty goodness of a romp in the sack? I'd probably think that way if so, but, it could be cultural, or personality. I don't know your culture, or his, but in some the 'peck' is just an unspoken goodbye, or hello .. its literally like actually saying 'hi' or 'bye' and is meant to be light and cheery. You're probably expecting a big sloppy tongue kiss right? hehe, I probably would be, if the sex and chemistry was good, but thats just me and not everyone is like this. Holding hands is nice - its a ritual that seems to be disappearing and thats a shame. What are you wanting or expecting when you meet? A wet kiss and him pulling your hips to his groin? Nothing wrong that if so and if I'm in a passionate physical affair I'll do exactly that, but, as I say, PDA's vary between people a lot, and even if theres no-one to observe, its still a PDA. 2
MountainGirl111 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 No, I don't think you should be worried at all. He's likely taking it slow and respecting you and being a gentleman. Holding hands is quite nice...that is if you like his hands, right? I'm assuming you do. What is it with all the expecting the texting as if texting someone is a sign of true love? I don't get that. Real life stuff means way more than texting or any kind of social media stuff. Relax. Enjoy the process.
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I am going to poop on yer parade. If I was in your shoes this would turn me off and would wonder if there really is any real commitment. It's almost like he is dating others, keeping his options open. The peck on the cheek would say to me he doesn't want you to get too emotionally attached because he isn't. He's getting the sex but is keeping you at arms length. From my experience when a man is into you, he is excited about you, wants to be in contact with you, passionate outside the bedroom, the focus is on you. You want to feel desired by this point, want daily communication, etc. I dated someone like him before.....I dumped him after about 3 weeks. This is why I say you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. I'm not buying the "being a gentleman" crap....if he was gentlemanly he wouldn't be banging you. 7
BikerAccnt Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Holding hands is pretty rare past a certain age (depend on your locate and culture) and that's a good thing that he shows off to the rest of the world that he's proud to be with you. Really, what age would that be? I'm 56 and love to hold my girlfriends hand. My parents, held hands right up until they died in their 80's. I think holding hands can be a sign of a bond, or in the early stages of a relationship, a liking, that goes beyond the physical aspects. 3
BikerAccnt Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Gracie, that would bug me too. After all you've been intimate, the kiss on the cheek thing? To me kissing is more intimate, and really conveys more about how one feels, than the act of sex itself. His not kissing you properly to me indicates he's not really totally into it with you. Either keeping options open, dating others, or...something. Go slow, but don't open your heart up until you see a bit more from him. 5
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 Thank you for all your replies. There is more to this story but I didnt want to make it too complicated. I met this guy three month ago. We eere intimate very quickly, and after he did this for the first time I dumped him. He asked me for another chance and I went back. But we never talked about what was bothering me so nothing really changed and I dumped him for the second time. I told him I felt like we were friends with benefits and I didnt want it. We wished each other the best. Two months later he texts me again and asked to have dinner with him. I went to his apatment again and this time he asked what he could do dofferently to avoid all the drama. I was tired and tipsy and didnt say anything. Since that night, I saw some positives: He insists on going out (not going to his apatment), mentions spots and restaurants we should visit in the future, asks me about my long term plans, even asked if I like Rotwailers because he is getting one in about a year, and was glad to hear that I do. On our last date he helped me with my hw (on my phone) and as I moved closer to him to watch what he was doing, he kept kissing my forehead and hair. He does this also in the apartment, lots of kisses all over my face. But the bottom line is I do not hear from him every day, and what bothers me more is that hug in the morning when I am leaving. I know, my fault for not telling him what he can do differently. But honestly, I even forgot what was bothering me when I dumped him the last time. Not sure if I should mention something next time I see him.
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 I just don't understand why he does not have a problem to get a breakfast in the morning (that sounds like a relationship-y thing to do) but has a problem to kiss me goodbye. But I am also a firm believer that if the guy is really into you, you won't be insecure or wondering.
Titanll Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) Yes. This info certainly changes the whole tone of the thread. How in the world do you expect useful information based upon your original post now that you have further clarified the relationship? I did a 180 in light of this info. Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content 1
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 Yes. This info certainly changes the whole tone of the thread. How in the world do you expect useful information based upon your original post now that you have further clarified the relationship? I did a 180 in light of this info. Honestly, I didn't think it was important. My first reaction to his invitation for dinner was "wow, this guy didn't meet anyone and he is back to bother me again." But he is a good looking and successful man, and my friends told me "how about he maybe really likes you." And at that point, I was more curious than excited about him and that is the reason I choose to go over to his place rather than go out. But, for the second date, he kept insisting on that dinner and that is what is confusing. If he wants FWB, I certainly made it easy for him.
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) I see a pattern here... You have an expectation that guys should initiate contact with you every day and your answer is to break up with them when you get anxious. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608002-i-want-another-chance It's not a healthy thing to move quickly in a relationship and then dump the man again and again... You can't expect that you will have a healthy, long term relationship when you do this to a man. My advice is the same - slow down, take the time to get to know the guy, and learn to deal with your anxiety. And, quit dumping these poor guys... they will never stick around if you keep dumping them. Edited April 22, 2017 by BaileyB 2
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 I see a pattern here... You have an expectation that guys should initiate contact with you every day and your answer is to break up with them when you get anxious. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608002-i-want-another-chance It's not a healthy thing to move quickly in a relationship and then dump the man again and again... You can't expect that you will have a healthy, long term relationship when you do this to a man. My advice is the same - slow down, take the time to get to know the guy, and learn to deal with your anxiety. And, quit dumping these poor guys... they will never stick around if you keep dumping them. Thank you, I know that now as well. I have high expectations. With this guy, however, after all the drama and with me being busy, I am kind of relaxed. I don't have the urge to text him demanding answers or dumping him But, I just find his behaviour weird and can't help but wonder. Not sure how to approach it either. Should I bring it up to him. However, I won't be any happier if he starts kissing me because I told him so.
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) Would I talk to him and make a big deal about the fact that he doesn't kiss me when he says goodbye... No. I would give it time and let things unfold... If anything, because we have a very playful relationship, I would stop my boyfriend after he kissed my cheek - smile, point to my lips, and tease him "I think you forgot something...." He would probably tease me back that he was all out of kisses... But, I'd get that kiss;) That would get the message across much better than having a serious discussion about it... Edited April 22, 2017 by BaileyB
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 Would I talk to him and make a big deal about the fact that he doesn't kiss me when he says goodbye... No. I would give it time and let things unfold... If anything, because we have a very playful relationship, I would stop my boyfriend after he kissed my cheek - smile, point to my lips, and tease him "I think you forgot something...." He would probably tease me back that he was all out of kisses... But, I'd get that kiss;) That would get the message across much better than having a serious discussion about it... I think he purposely avoids to kiss me on the lips (for whatever reason). The first date I actually kissed him goodbye on the lips. But the second one, he hugged me and kissed me on a cheek. Anyway, why does he bother coming back? Is it possible he likes me or it is just convinient for him? But then it doesnt make sense to keep doing these things he probably knows will upset me?????
Tressugar Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 It sounds like the kiss of death. The last guy I dated did this, it didn't bode well for the both of us. Looking back, now, I'm glad it's over. 4
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 It sounds like the kiss of death. The last guy I dated did this, it didn't bode well for the both of us. Looking back, now, I'm glad it's over. So, the best approach would be to just tell him it is over (again), wait and see or talk to him?
Tressugar Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 You gotta do what your heart tell you to. I can't answer that question for you. If you do decide to tell him, at least it's out in the open.
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 How about just cutting your losses and moving on instead of playing games in hopes he will come around hmmm? 3
1fish2fish Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) I think now that you've already established a pattern with him, and he knows how to do the song and dance, he's using you for sex. He likes having sex with you, but he's not interested in intimacy. To me, a kiss on the lips is an intimate expression. My ex bf did that a lot - kiss me on the cheek. Looking back I sense it was a power play. He knew kissing me on the lips (not as a prelude to sex) and holding my hand was something I wanted in a relationship, so when he felt out of control of his emotions, I'd get the peck on the cheek. Like you too, we stopped dating twice before this last time when we became "official" and that lasted 7 mths. Edited April 22, 2017 by 1fish2fish 2
Author Gracieboo Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 I think now that you've already established a pattern with him, and he knows how to do the song and dance, he's using you for sex. He likes having sex with you, but he's not interested in intimacy. To me, a kiss on the lips is an intimate expression. My ex bf did that a lot - kiss me on the cheek. Looking back I sense it was a power play. He knew kissing me on the lips (not as a prelude to sex) and holding my hand was something I wanted in a relationship, so when he felt out of control of his emotions, I'd get the peck on the cheek. Like you too, we stopped dating twice before this last time when we became "official" and that lasted 7 mths. You are saying when he feels like he might be falling for me, he does this on purpose?
1fish2fish Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 You are saying when he feels like he might be falling for me, he does this on purpose? I don't know. I don't know if he was falling for you and got scared of his emotions, or if he wanted to manipulate you knowing what you wanted and withholding it.
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