westbound Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Hey everyone. Hope everyone is enjoying their week! So I am just looking for some insight into a recent situation Ive gotten myself into. For the most part no one is getting hurt and at the end of the day Ill still live my life, but it's very confusing. I'm bad at reading situations and tend to give people too much benefit of the doubt. I'm a person wit trust issues, so dating is always a struggle. Flashback to several months ago: I meet this guy on a dating site. He's in his 30s. We have similar interests and chat for a little then decide to meet. After not being able to meet immediately due to us both being busy, we finally figure out a day, but instead of going to a bar or coffee he invites me to his place. I know this would be a major red flag for most, but he had friends over so it didn't seem that shady. I go, meet his friends, there is a little bit of chemistry, then the night ends and he walks me out. His friends are all nice. We text back and forth, meet up with each other again, but for the most part things always end up at his house. He tells me he recently got out of a serious monogamous relationship and has been dating around. He's taken me to dinners and he's been over mine too, but we've not really ever gone out to do any sort of activity, except once or twice and it was very very brief. We've only met up during the day twice. I chalk it up to us both being busy (we are). First time we had sex he was very sweet and did all the right things, but I didn't get off. I generally have some apprehension in that area and am very selective about who I do things with. Technically, he was my first, but I didn't communicate that because he's not my first encounter ever, and maybe I should have told him, but it didn't feel like his business at the time. Around this time, i learned from him that he wasn't 100% single, though he implied that he was, and he told me he was breaking it off with the girl he was dating. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it still made me feel a little weird, especially as he sent me photos of himself while he was out on their final date. He speaks very sweetly, tells me a lot that he likes me, makes things for me, bought me a Christmas gift. He sends me photos of him making kissy faces and doing heart hands. I never brought up exclusivity, but I did bring up safety because we once slept together without a condom. He assured me multiple times he isn't sleeping with other girls without a condom, and has even said he isn't sleeping with anyone else period. However, I've been noticing he's pretty nonchalant about condoms, which is a big concern. He never initiates reaching for one unless we don't have time for "clean up." He's also tried to initiate sex without asking if he should put a condom on. There was another incident where he initiated something without first asking, but I didn't think much of it. Thing is, I'm an adult and I know most people don't stick to one partner at a time, but if you have multiple partners and you seem lackadaisical about using condoms, that seems like a big deal to me. He told me doesn't like my best friend. I am open enough to be fair to both sides and try and understand why. The times hes encountered her have been brief, and shes not a super social person, but there is really no specific reason why he wouldnt like her based on the fact that they havent interacted for any long period. On two occasions, he's acted more affectionate towards me when in front of her, which weirded me out, but again I wondered if that's just me thinking weirdly. My friend has expressed that she doesn't really like him either, but only to me, and only after I talked with her about things. I love my friend, but it's understandable that someone would take her the wrong way before getting to know her, so I let it pass. He was recently gone for a few months but we texted. He again would say he likes me, misses me, cant wait to see me again, but i have a strong suspicious I am being played and I'm one of many girls, and maybe one of many he isn't using a condom with. Im just concerned and wondering if Im being paranoid, or if this is normal behavior for guys in this day and age.
act00 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 It seems you have enough doubts about this man, the answer is clear...cut him loose. Please tell me the character of a man who sends you a picture of himself on his "breakup date," and then tells you about it? All of it seems highly manipulative. He seems less than trustworthy. 3
Tressugar Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Men who are not willing to use condoms, without the confines of a serious committed monogamous relationship, so do for a specific reason. Think about it. 3
crossingbridges Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Relax girls, maybe he has a lot of options and feels he does not have to prove himself. I could see myself in this position despite being 100% into you. Sometimes we don't want to show our weak side of being truly infatuated by you. I think you do the same. Even sometimes, we would want you to see us with another girl to make you think we are worthy of other girls. I would never want to hurt you or make you feel second choice, but to confirm that if you **** me over, I'm capable of finding another girl. I don't know how long you have been with him and after complete trust has been established I would not feel the need to do this but before that I think it would help my case. You need to follow your gut instinct on this one, I can never tell exactly how the situation is but don't get super paranoid over this. If you want to keep seeing him, ask him about this. Listen to his answer carefully. I would really like you asking me about this and if I was truly into you, I would give you all the reasons to trust me.
crossingbridges Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 He was gone for months? what does that mean? was he out of the country or what? IF not he could be playing you. I can't know for sure. There could be so many things going on, there is now way to help you on this forum. You should just follow your gut feeling on this... 1
MountainGirl111 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 He sounds like a player. And if you enjoy sex with him and that's satisfactory enough for you, well I guess you know what you're dealing with here. One thing, at least he's not hiding it from you. But, it also sounds like he is into "playing games". And, quite frankly that can be "crazy-making". If all you want from him right now is to play around, fool around, have some good sex, then you may not get too disappointed. But, if you want more, well I don't know that he's the one to provide that. Give it time. He will show his true colors. Just my take. Take what you need. Leave the rest. 1
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Here's a news flash....guys lie.....and he has been lying to you since day one. YOU make sure you take the steps to protect yourself...never depend on some guy's bs that he's safe (omg). Secondly this guy is playing you yes, he is a jerk, and I feel sorry for your friend because you dismiss his crappy opinion about her as nothing to worry about. Tisk tisk. He is rude and disrespectful.......get rid of him. 1
OatsAndHall Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 So... He lied about being single and then sent you a pic of himself on the date where he supposedly broke up with his girlfriend? Wow... Calling this guy a "player" is putting it kindly. He's basically a sociopath. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Player. Lied to you from the start....still lying. Guys who do not use condoms per your request and concerns simply do not respect you. 1
Author westbound Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 Thanks for your replies everyone. I definitely agree I'll have to follow my gut cause there's no way to know without talking to him about it. I'm just don't have a lot of experience with relationships because I haven't dated much. I definitely gotten tested since and will be less stupid in the future about believing men. When I said he was gone for a few months, I meant he had work in another city. He still texted me photos and messages, but sometimes those photos would go on his dating profile. To clarify about the photo of himself while on his "breakup" date, yeah that was definitely weird and I talked to my best friend about it. It was weird because it was of him blowing a kiss to the camera, but obviously he didn't take the photo himself. So who knows if it was really meant for me. I found out about the date because the first time we had sex without a condom, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, and that's when he admitted he was. He told me about their date, and it ended up being on the same day and same time he sent the photo. Another thing is I've never gotten off during sex with him. He tries but I've never gotten off with him. I enjoy the closeness and companionship and definitely don't think getting off is the most important part, but yeah. Regarding the friend, I definitely agree, it's kind of weird because it was only by the second time they interacted that he decided he didn't like her. I wasn't putting him before her, I was trying to be fair to both sides, but in retrospect it is pretty silly. But now I wonder if it's because she's a girl who doesn't really give him any attention. She'll say "hi" and "bye" but she's not really interested in getting to know him, and while I think that's fair, it seems to bother him. On the bright side, when we are together, it is enjoyable and I like his company. He's thoughtful and generous, but it could all be a sham.
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Well as long as you can accept he is sleeping with other women, then enjoy his company and leave it as casual. As for the getting off part.....the majority of men out there don't know how to do it.....this was my observation anyways. You have to really know your own body and tell him how. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 As for the getting off part.....the majority of men out there don't know how to do it.....this was my observation anyways. You have to really know your own body and tell him how. Thank you, smackie! So true. My ex was very good at telling me what helped her climax and it was a routine matter after that. Don't fake it or do without, just tell us what you need! 1
Simple Logic Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I didn't even read your entire post. At worst he a player, at best he is cheap and boring. Go find someone fun. 2
anduina Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 The first steps to take would be to get checked for STIs and promise to never, ever allow another casual relationship partner to have sex with you without a condom. Since you don't sound invested and have serious doubts about him which I don't blame you for, it's time to find a guy you're crazy about who returns your affection in equal portions. 2
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