Am I doing something wrong? I do not get modern dating!

[andrewimecs]

Hello everybody, I have some questions I need answered because I feel like I am doing something wrong in the dating and chatting world.Okay so basically I am a single 23 year old male that has tried online dating like okcupid, tinder, bumble and all those other platforms. They seem successful and I get matches here and there. Initially I was a very bad conversation starter guy but I got much better as I realized my mistakes.

 

I would always start conversations like hey how are you? But I knew that was bland and all these online dating profiles would get 100 of those messages a day. So I decided to change it up and start conversations with interesting topics or even being as funny and quirky as I can. It has been working really well and this is great. Half the time I end up getting girls numbers and taking the chat further. This is all great but and I say "but" for one big reason. I can never hold a conversation without the other girl cutting it off or getting offended by something.

 

Let ,me give you an example. Yesterday I was talking to a girl through text message and the conversation was going great. I was being funny and she liked it and we had an excellent conversation. I asked her out on a date and she said she was busy so we are currently trying to reschedule. So randomly to make the conversation interesting I asked her to name one of her best qualities. She then said she does not know and said I should know that.

 

I answered with a nonchalant response and said you have an amazing personality and beautiful eyes from the looks of it. She then said that she meant to say what are some of mine and made a giant typo in her text message and then she said how the hell would you know my personality if you have not met me yet. I said just judging from text you seem like an amazing person to get to know. I then highlighted some of my attributes and then I got no response. I still have got no response.

 

I have noticed whenever I try to be nice and nonchalant and be considerate and highlight an important quality or a compliment I end up getting the cold shoulder. I know there is a fine line between being creepy and being nice but all my compliments are simple and non invasive. It is always me saying you are really pretty or highlighting an individual feature. It is not like I say you have the boobs of an angel or get sexual or anything.

 

I am just so confused because this seems like a common trend with all online match ups and dating. Also I am fairly new to all this and need some tips and pointers on how to possibly hold a conversation, how frequently I should text, and what I should say to possibly get a guaranteed date? Also does anyone have some suggestions on what to text this girl that I mentioned above about her nice qualities. Should I text her today and ask her how things are or what? She is a cool chick and I am wondering what is the best way to get her attention again. I also wish I could figure out how to compliment girls without getting them all flustered. No offence I love you ladies but why do you guys make a big fuss out of everything and dump conversations so easily.

[Imajerk17]

I would always start conversations like hey how are you? But I knew that was bland and all these online dating profiles would get 100 of those messages a day. So I decided to change it up and start conversations with interesting topics or even being as funny and quirky as I can. It has been working really well and this is great. Half the time I end up getting girls numbers and taking the chat further. This is all great but and I say "but" for one big reason. I can never hold a conversation without the other girl cutting it off or getting offended by something.

 

Let ,me give you an example. Yesterday I was talking to a girl through text message and the conversation was going great. I was being funny and she liked it and we had an excellent conversation. I asked her out on a date and she said she was busy so we are currently trying to reschedule. So randomly to make the conversation interesting I asked her to name one of her best qualities. She then said she does not know and said I should know that.

 

I answered with a nonchalant response and said you have an amazing personality and beautiful eyes from the looks of it. She then said that she meant to say what are some of mine and made a giant typo in her text message and then she said how the hell would you know my personality if you have not met me yet. I said just judging from text you seem like an amazing person to get to know. I then highlighted some of my attributes and then I got no response. I still have got no response.

 

Yes, you are coming across as trying much too hard to make a big impression, and in the process, you are coming across insincere or desperate or even a bit sleazy. This--the bolded--is a big example. You haven't even met this girl yet, why would you think she has a terrific personality?

 

Tone it down a couple notches. Just focus on setting up the first date. To that end you just have to come across as a normal cool guy. A normal cool guy makes the plans and then keeps in touch periodically through the week before the date. He isn't bombarding a girl he hasn't even met yet with compliments--even "nice" compliments.

 

Your mixing up your opening messages are great though.

[andrewimecs]

Yes, you are coming across as trying much too hard to make a big impression, and in the process, you are coming across insincere or desperate or even a bit sleazy. This--the bolded--is a big example. You haven't even met this girl yet, why would you think she has a terrific personality?

 

Tone it down a couple notches. Just focus on setting up the first date. To that end you just have to come across as a normal cool guy.

 

Your mixing up your opening messages are great though.

 

That is fair and I do believe I need to to tone it down. Should I text her today and what should I say?

[Telemachus]

Two suggestions. First, do it in real life, meaning in three dimensions, not online. I cannot stress this one enough. If you're committed to starting online, then you accept the responsibility for thinking that you're in contact with a woman your own age, when really the profile is that of a 70-year-old man killing time in his bathrobe in his kitchen all day, an internet scammer in another country, or a profile created by a site administrator to make the site seem active and to keep you paying your subscription.

 

Second, do not ever start a conversation with a woman you do not know by complimenting her appearance. If you have something interesting to say about a particular piece of jewelry she's wearing, her unusual boots, or an expensive bag she's holding, that may be OK, but it has to be interesting, and you have to know what you're talking about.

 

You have to start the conversation with something that would be of interest to her, that has nothing to do with her appearance.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Telemachus

[Imajerk17]

Text her maybe tomorrow asking how her weekend is so far. Who knows, she might respond.

 

Although from your earlier message that she "seems like she would be an amazing person to get to know" and you highlighting your attributes, you might have already quite overcooked the linguini. But you never know, and what do you have to lose.

 

ETA: For the NEXT girl, why not *call* her to set up the date instead of texting. Then she will actually hear your voice instead of just being words on a screen.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[andrewimecs]

Two suggestions. First, do it in real life, meaning in three dimensions, not online. I cannot stress this one enough. If you're committed to starting online, then you accept the responsibility for thinking that you're in contact with a woman your own age, when really the profile is that of a 70-year-old man killing time in his bathrobe in his kitchen all day, an internet scammer in another country, or a profile created by a site administrator to make the site seem active and to keep you paying your subscription.

 

Second, do not ever start a conversation with a woman you do not know by complimenting her appearance. If you have something interesting to say about a particular piece of jewelry she's wearing, her unusual boots, or an expensive bag she's holding, that may be OK, but it has to be interesting, and you have to know what you're talking about.

 

You have to start the conversation with something that would be of interest to her, that has nothing to do with her appearance.

 

You are right and I do not disagree. I never start conversations with complimenting appearance. I like to warm them up and then say something nice about them but that still throws them off. Believe me I love to meet people in person but during the week there is no time to meet people. I try to meet people in person on the weekends and that usually is cool.

[SevenCity]

Yes, stay away from the compliments and try to setup a date sooner rather than later.

 

Texting is great but you run the risk of her taking something the wrong way. Do your charming in person (but still stay away from compliments).

 

When women get compliments from a stranger they come across as creepy and they feel like an object.

[andrewimecs]

Text her maybe tomorrow asking how her weekend is so far. Who knows, she might respond.

 

Although from your earlier message that she "seems like she would be an amazing person to get to know" and you highlighting your attributes, you might have already quite overcooked the linguini. But you never know, and what do you have to lose.

 

ETA: For the NEXT girl, why not *call* her to set up the date instead of texting. Then she will actually hear your voice instead of just being words on a screen.

 

I will send her a text tomorrow and see how that goes. Also I would love to do that but would not know how to approach that. Would I warn her that I am calling or just do it. Also how can I guarantee she will pick up? I feel like that would be kind of a turn off because I may be bothering her or what not. I am not sure lol.

[andrewimecs]

Yes, stay away from the compliments and try to setup a date sooner rather than later.

 

Texting is great but you run the risk of her taking something the wrong way. Do your charming in person (but still stay away from compliments).

 

When women get compliments from a stranger they come across as creepy and they feel like an object.

 

Understandable but in person a light compliments should be harmless, no?

[SevenCity]

Understandable but in person a light compliments should be harmless, no?

 

Should be, but it's not.

 

You have to understand that women get hundreds of guys giving them compliments. Some are "you have pretty eyes" to others "I want to F you because you're so hot".

 

Women (most) do not want to be treated like objects. Any physical compliment you give sets off the "He just wants to F me" alarm.

 

Saying they are amazing before getting to know them comes across as insincere, again, setting off the alarm.

 

Also, don't try to sell yourself. Keep it light and funny. Tell them a funny story that happened to you.

 

If you meet a woman in person the dynamic changes. But you have to be sincere with your compliments and make them not appear like a bribe for sex. Best bet it to stay away from them until you get to know them and they are showing interest in you.

[andrewimecs]

Should be, but it's not.

 

You have to understand that women get hundreds of guys giving them compliments. Some are "you have pretty eyes" to others "I want to F you because you're so hot".

 

Women (most) do not want to be treated like objects. Any physical compliment you give sets off the "He just wants to F me" alarm.

 

Saying they are amazing before getting to know them comes across as insincere, again, setting off the alarm.

 

Also, don't try to sell yourself. Keep it light and funny. Tell them a funny story that happened to you.

 

If you meet a woman in person the dynamic changes. But you have to be sincere with your compliments and make them not appear like a bribe for sex. Best bet it to stay away from them until you get to know them and they are showing interest in you.

 

Alrighty thank you very much it all makes sense!

[smackie9]

Ever hear of peacocking? You want to stand out, then stand out! Be goofy, cocky and random, mysterious, be outrageous....all this says "confidence" to a woman and that you are fun, think outside the box, exciting, adventurous. Women want that.

 

Being nice, courteous is being safe, cautious which says "Boring!"

[JuneL]

In your example, you were over the top with your compliments. When I was doing OLD very briefly (a few weeks), I honestly would feel a little uneasy whenever some virtual stranger paid me compliments, especially when they complimented on my looks — it made me feel like an object

 

I personally think it's always a good idea to keep the conversation light and brief before actually meeting up with each other.

[andrewimecs]

Ever hear of peacocking? You want to stand out, then stand out! Be goofy, cocky and random, mysterious, be outrageous....all this says "confidence" to a woman and that you are fun, think outside the box, exciting, adventurous. Women want that.

 

Being nice, courteous is being safe, cautious which says "Boring!"

 

Interesting, Definitely keeping that in mind!

[andrewimecs]

In your example, you were over the top with your compliments. When I was doing OLD very briefly (a few weeks), I honestly would feel a little uneasy whenever some virtual stranger paid me compliments, especially when they complimented on my looks — it made me feel like an object

 

I personally think it's always a good idea to keep the conversation light and brief before actually meeting up with each other.

 

Thank you!

[d0nnivain]

Cut down on all the texting. You don't have conversations through text with people you haven't met. You set up a time & place to meet. Then you impress them in person.

[Titanll]

Listen to smackie, she's spot on. [] [OLD] a tool that you have at your disposal. You can assume that the person you are contacting is genuine as you are. Online is only an introduction. You will or will not meet/date in real life.

 

My advice is to be yourself...completely. How long can you sustain not being yourself anyway? You want to flirt? Go for it. You want to be very conservative? Go for it. Be yourself and say what you feel. The whole philosophy of trying to "win" someone by conforming your behavior to their desires is just PUA BS.

 

Guidelines that I suggest you follow:

 

1) Keep your emotions/feelings/passion in check. Even after a couple of dates don't over invest until it's mutual. No one can tell you when and if that will happen.

 

2) Seriously be yourself. Even if that means throwing out guideline one. Flirt, joke, fall head over heels in love...who cares.

 

3) Remember that you are not trying to win anyone. No one knows what you should do. Text as often as you want. Ask her on a date when you want. Kiss her when you want. Don't conform, fit.

Edited April 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Imajerk17]

Listen to smackie, she's spot on. [] [OLD] a tool that you have at your disposal. You can assume that the person you are contacting is genuine as you are. Online is only an introduction. You will or will not meet/date in real life.

 

My advice is to be yourself...completely. How long can you sustain not being yourself anyway? You want to flirt? Go for it. You want to be very conservative? Go for it. Be yourself and say what you feel. The whole philosophy of trying to "win" someone by conforming your behavior to their desires is just PUA BS.

 

Guidelines that I suggest you follow:

 

1) Keep your emotions/feelings/passion in check. Even after a couple of dates don't over invest until it's mutual. No one can tell you when and if that will happen.

 

2) Seriously be yourself. Even if that means throwing out guideline one. Flirt, joke, fall head over heels in love...who cares.

 

3) Remember that you are not trying to win anyone. No one knows what you should do. Text as often as you want. Ask her on a date when you want. Kiss her when you want. Don't conform, fit.

 

Wait what?

 

Let's all remember the topic here. We are talking about *how to set up a first date* with a girl from OLD *that OP hasn't even met yet*. The OP's big issue here is that he is putting off the girls by *trying to do too much already* with his texting.

 

Please go back and reread the OP's first post. The girl in this thread didn't ghost out of nowhere. Instead what happened was that OP said something "gamey" to the girl designed to elicit an emotional response from her and instead she got turned off.

 

Here is what I think should be the big takeaway for the OP: You can really attract someone only face-to-face. OP would have much better results if he realizes that, and just focuses on setting up the date with said girl, and then keeps in touch a bit throughout the week* so you don't forget each other entirely before the first date. In particular, the OP needs to drop the hard sell and the trying so hard to win her over with a big unqualified compliments.

 

[Compliments are fine during the date..e.g., she goes out of her way to look nice for you for the date, then you really should acknowledge that. IF she opens up to you during the date you should acknowledge that too! But trying to give a big compliment totally unearned before you even met will come across as insincere flattery and will turn the other person off.]

 

As also mentioned before, he also would have much better results if he were talk to the girl **on the phone** (so she hears his voice and he isn't just words on a screen). That's actually something that would be a *huge* differentiator between OP and the other guys she gives her number to, who only text. I'm surprised no one else on here mentioned it!

 

By the way, I'm not just talking out my butt here either. I've done my share of OLD, and I am pretty good at getting women to show up for the date once I get her number.

 

 

 

 

 

*(@d0nnivain I kind of agree w what you are saying, except if you set up a date w someone you haven't even met yet a week out and don't text her in between, she is likely to forget about you or assume that the date is off. This goes double if she is a young woman who is bombarded w attention/may be more likely to be flakey. You do need to make some effort to keep in touch during the week.)

Edited April 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Titanll]

Wait what?

 

Let's all remember the topic here. We are talking about *how to set up a first date* with a girl from OLD *that OP hasn't even met yet*. The OP's big issue here is that he is putting off the girls by *trying to do too much already* with his texting.

 

Please go back and reread the OP's first post. The girl in this thread didn't ghost out of nowhere. Instead what happened was that OP said something "gamey" to the girl designed to elicit an emotional response from her and instead she got turned off.

 

Here is what I think should be the big takeaway for the OP: You can really attract someone only face-to-face. OP would have much better results if he realizes that, and just focuses on setting up the date with said girl, and then keeps in touch a bit throughout the week* so you don't forget each other entirely before the first date. In particular, the OP needs to drop the hard sell and the trying so hard to win her over with a big unqualified compliments.

 

[Compliments are fine during the date..e.g., she goes out of her way to look nice for you for the date, then you really should acknowledge that. IF she opens up to you during the date you should acknowledge that too! But trying to give a big compliment totally unearned before you even met will come across as insincere flattery and will turn the other person off.]

 

As also mentioned before, he also would have much better results if he were talk to the girl **on the phone** (so she hears his voice and he isn't just words on a screen). That's actually something that would be a *huge* differentiator between OP and the other guys she gives her number to, who only text. I'm surprised no one else on here mentioned it!

 

By the way, I'm not just talking out my butt here either. I've done my share of OLD, and I am pretty good at getting women to show up for the date once I get her number.

 

 

 

 

 

*(@d0nnivain I kind of agree w what you are saying, except if you set up a date w someone you haven't even met yet a week out and don't text her in between, she is likely to forget about you or assume that the date is off. This goes double if she is a young woman who is bombarded w attention/may be more likely to be flakey. You do need to make some effort to keep in touch during the week.)

 

Oh gosh! I am sorry...I went back and re-read the original post. I seem to have totally missed the part where he was asking for advice in general about texting frequency and such. I will stand by my original post...thanks.

[OatsAndHall]

1. Limit the texting to a few days and try to get a date quickly. It's best to use the OLD sites as a platform for meeting someone, not "getting to know them" via text. I used to text back and forth with women for like a week before setting up a date and it back fired on me consistently. I have a dry sense of humor and it doesn't come across well via texting. To be blunt, text is a sh-t method of communication as is as it's impersonal.

 

2. As others have stated, avoid physical compliments at all costs. This just has to be a hard and fast rule as you never know how they will respond.. I had a date set up with a gal via Match and we were texting back and forth in the days prior to it. She sent me a pic of her Halloween costume and I told her that she looked "absolutely stunning" as she truly did look fantastic. She got weirded out by that, for whatever reason.

 

3. Be careful with sarcasm when texting as you never know how it is going to go... I was bantering back and forth with a friend of mine that lives a few states away last night. She went to college at my alma mater's rival and I was picking fun at her over it. I didn't say anything rude (just sarcastic quips) but she ended up getting offended. And, this is a woman that I have known for years. So limit it to light banter and include emoticons when appropriate.

[act00]

I hate when men ask me questions like that - what's your best attribute? I don't know. What am I supposed to say to that? Then to ticker-tape your own attributes? It comes across as insecure and rather conceited. Don't ask questions that put someone on the spot.

 

On texting, go with the flow. I don't mind a fair amount of texting when things first start out, and a phone call or two (I'm really not a big phone talker these days), and if a date is planned a week away or more, texting in between is important. Touch base once a day, every other day, more than once a day, or whatever seems to work for her, and you. No one knows how much or how little, so it's really a gray area here. The thing is, if a date (day) is planned, but no place or time, I'm assuming it's not going to happen if there is no discussion on what time and where during the week. If I don't hear from him all week, I'm assuming it's not going to happen. If I have to text more than once to organize, he's not interested or is keeping his options open in case something better comes along (won't commit), and if he does commit, there's a high probability of the last-minute bail, so no, I won't go there anymore. I've been blown off, cancelled out on, and stood up too many times to go with silence. Those that say don't text or communicate until the day before or the day of? I've already made other plans by then if four days go by and I haven't heard a word, particularly if I text somewhere in there to touch base.

 

I hate feeling like I'm losing momentum in those shaky first few days.

 

I think the big thing here is you're putting someone on the spot by asking them what they think their best features are or qualities. Women are their own worst enemies, and most people are not into bragging on their personal attributes. It's insecure and conceited. Don't lay it out thick on the complements. I guess I always cringe when someone lays it on thick like that since they have never met me. I have no idea if I'll measure up to what they see in the pictures (of which I post as realistic as possible, but only the good ones.) or if my personality will measure up. Keep it light.

 

My big thing is to plan to meet ASAP. I'm tired of drawn out texting with no meeting up. Circumstances may have to push things back, and I get that, which is why maintaining a connection in between is good, but for me, if the weekend, which I would prefer, is just not going to work, are either of you available for an hour or two after work for a drink or coffee (decaf:))? Meeting up after work is not always easy, particularly if there is a distance between you, but hopefully an option?

 

I would say that if you really want to see if things can go somewhere with this girl, text her when you think she's free, and simply ask her how her day went.

[MountainGirl111]

I think you are trying too hard. Relax. Be cool. Maybe that's not you...maybe you're too anxious.

 

Women don't like to be objectified. Believe it or not, we like good conversations about deep subjects and talking about interesting things. We have brains, not just beauty. I know you know these things, but if a woman gets the idea you are just into a body part, she tends to feel like that's all you're interested in...and truth be told, that IS all some men are interested in. Is it just sex you are looking for? Some girls will go for that, but some won't. It just depends.

 

Some women will respond to a forward approach from a man who doesn't beat around the bush. Some relationships start out very sexual and grow into something deeper.

 

I'm in the midst of a break up with my boyfriend because I think basically he's a horny toad who can't get enough and he's got the hots for a gal at the gym and she has the hots for him. It's only a matter of time before they bonk each other, so I'm breaking it off now.

[inigele14u]

Real actual helpful advice----------------------->>>> Instead of trying to be nice, try to ask her things relevant to progressing your relationship. Your relationship with her starts as soon as she responds to your message online. You're in an uncommitted relationship, and everything you say or do can be crucial to progressing. So you don't want to come off as a guy who says anything to please her, that's lame. Ask her things that are relevant to growing. Like.. are you in school... what school do you go to... what's your job.... your major... would you live with your partner after x amount of time... ask her things that you want to know because you have boundaries too right? If not you should get them or you'll fail miserably with women. They want you to take the lead bro, you show them you are the alpha not by being nice but asking those types of questions and being confident. Nonchalant won't help. Tell them how serious you are about building with someone. If they seem uninterested, then that's their lost anyway and your gain - because it wasn't going to work anyway!

[inigele14u]

Those guys at the club or party... they are good with sluts/hoes but not with women. Do you want a one night stand or a woman who is going to build a family with you? Ask yourself that. The later will only let you in if she knows you can lead her, and she can trust you, and you will protect her emotionally, physically, and mentally. She wants to know that you're a man. Sure, being nice might get you a number... but she wants to know how much testosterone you got buddy. Not how nice you are. Good luck.