USNCVN72 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I met a woman 7 months ago. She was going through a divorce from her cheating husband of 21 years. Obviously she has a past as does everyone in their forties I assume. She was in a FWB or FB relationship with another guy for the first few months that we dated. While this wasn't the ideal situation for me I understood that she needed it being so early out of a long marriage and no exclusiveness had been established between us. I found out that she had made a few videos of her and her FB together. She had also done a couple things with him that she would not do with me. Anal being the main one. Three months in to us dating she broke everything off with everyone else that she had dated or been talking to and we became exclusive. We have been pretty open about details of our past. But I have since found out that some of the details we're not accurate. For example I new of two places that they had done things and she told me that they had only been together a few times and it was always in one of those two places. She also told me that she had always made him wear a condom no matter what for everything except for oral. I recently came across the videos that they made. There were three of her giving him a blowjob which has little effect on me. The other one however was of them having anal sex bareback in a place that was different than where she had said. I know that she is committed to me. I know she cares a great deal about me. We talk very openly about our future plans together and our future looks very promising. I am having trouble with these inaccuracies about her past. A part of me thinks that if she lied about those things what else has she lied to me about. The other side of me thinks does what happened in her past really matter when she is committed and exclusively with me. She does not like to talk about her times with him and says that her past is her past and she can't change it so why focus on it. As far as the anal sex goes, he is the only person that she has had anal with. She said that there were times it was enjoyable and times that it wasn't the best. That being said it is still something that we have not done despite efforts from me. Is it possible that she did that with him because there were no feelings and it was just an FB. And that the reason she does not do it with me is because she actually likes me and wants me to respect her. How I reprogram my brain to not think about the inconsistencies of her past and solely focus on our future is the main thing I am struggling with right now.
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Someone's past is somewhat relevant, the recent past being more relevant than things that happened a decade ago. You point blank said you think she lied. Forget all the other stuff, why do you want to be with somebody who lies to you? You also have an awful lot of detail about her past intimacies. Personally I think she over-shared & now you will never get those ideas / images out of your head. If you insist on staying all you can focus on is your relationship with each other. You have to stop thinking about the past. 2
EmilyJane Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I'm just not really sure what you're going to tell the gramdchildren ya know? Like " we meet and started dating, she met a few other guys multi-dated and while we were dating she was also two timing me in a no strings sexual relationship and filmed herself being f*cked up the @ss and showed me the film then we lived happily ever after...." Great wedding speech no? I think you've been too understanding and my gut feeling is that this is not the stuff long term happy relationships start from. That you were the safe option but not the first choice. Every time I've fallen in love we've both been smitten early and head over heels with each other with no desire to see other people. I mean that is ultimately how that bond of "us" has been formed, the basis for the ongoing trust that your partner chooses you above all others. And I think that you might be asking this question for the very reason that you don't have that. God I want to fall in love again. Have someone to share things with and support and have cuddles and secret jokes. 5
act00 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 That's a lot of overshare, and I'm wondering the motivation. I don't think it's wrong to understand a past sexual history and expect and know they existed, but the details of the acts and even letting you watch a sex tape is too much. You can't unring that bell. I don't understand the reasoning of letting you know what she was willing to do with one man, but unwilling to do it with you. And you keep mentioning places. Like what? In public? In the kitchen? You really don't know if she was just in a place in her life where she made poor choices, and with you it's different, and she doesn't want to be in that place anymore, but still she gave up way too much detail. Maybe you asked and maybe you pushed for more information - lesson learned - don't ask if you don't really want to know the answer and deal with the consequences of such information. If you pushed it, you have no one to blame but yourself. If she volunteered this information - why? I guess some people are just extremely open, and some people have no filter, and then don't understand the consequences. Sexual compatibility is important, so of course you need to know if she/he is willing to do certain things, and then you have to decide if this is something you're willing to live with/without, but you don't have to know each and every detail. You're just going to have to do your best to let your hangups go, or end this relationship. Stop her if she starts going into overshare mode, or stop asking her details.
OatsAndHall Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I would have a very hard time with her lying about the condoms. She was participating in ridiculously risky behavior that could have ended up with you have an STD. Especially given that she was in a FWB relationship; who knows how many other women her partner was sleeping with. I would suggest that you sit down with her and talk about all of this if you want to work this out. However, if I had been in your shoes, the relationship would have been done the minute I found out about she put my health at risk with her behavior.
Poutrew Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 If you do oral then using a condom for anything else seems pointless. As if the STD germs say to each other: "OK fellas, we are going in through the mouth this time. Nothing's gonna happen..." Nope. So first lie about the condoms is just a red herring argument. You can get aids, herpes, syphilis, etc. orally as well as any other way. Her having certain sex acts only with him and refusing you is a big red flag. She is telling you that her butt is a sacred spot only reserved for the other man. You have no right to desecrate her bum, only him. Even if I hated anal, if she refused me I'd break up with her. Sorry, but in your case, I feel this woman has decided to make you her meal ticket. She will have her fond memories of the great nasty sex she had when she first got divorced, but now is the time to become real, and boring, putting out only what she has to with the 'nice guy' she has next targeted to be her meal ticket... 2
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I think she needs more time alone to sort herself out....TBH I don't think she is relationship material yet. You both are at different places in your lives to be getting together for something serious. 1
Rockdad Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I'm so glad my wife who knew I had quite a colorful past wasn't hung up on it. I am the one that offered up to answer any questions she had. In her words "I don't care." She knew the basics of what was my past through our dating. That was enough for her. If she had cared as much as the OP seems to care about details it might have changed things a lot for us to the negative.
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Why in the world would 2 adults of 40 share that many details about their past sex life. Who wants a detailed mental image of their gf or bf getting at it with someone else. And no, getting all the gritty details of where your gf had sex and how is NOT an activity to bring 2 people closer. My bf would not get me to share my sexual past even with a gun to my head. I know how it can destroy the connection between 2 people. You see now it didn't bring you closer, right. When you meet someone new you date them then you both get tested and it goes from there. The fact she does not want to do anal sex with you has nothing to do with how she feels, or not feel, for you. Maybe she liked it then and maybe she doesn't like it now. Maybe she did it to please the fwb and now she doesn't want to do it anymore. I think she was in a cage for 21 years and she is not done experimenting that's why she is so open to talk about her recent sexual experiences. And about the lying, well is it really lying or she just confuses events. Another thing is was she sober when she did this. When you're sober you think you always used a condom and when you're drunk you have no clue what you're doing. 4
fromheart Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Got to question how you managed to see those videos in the first place! Why bother? Make your own videos with you and her! Unless you both like to share your past in that way, don't go there. It sounds like you're going through all the details in your head, playing them back and analyzing them. Stop talking about it with her and if she brings it up tell her nicely but firmly, the past is the past.
Jammer25 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 That this woman has recently lied, especially given the nature of the OP's relationship with her, is more than enough of a red flag to get out of there. More lies and more cover-ups, only to be discovered later, seem likely. Don't let your idea of the relationship drag you into a commitment you shouldn't make. If I was you, I'd get out of it. 3
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