kendahke Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I've determined that I'm the anxiously attached type And at this stage of things, he's not obligated to save you from this. This is your heavy lift to get under control. He doesn't know you well enough to wade into this to handle it, nor should he. In order to gauge interest, you have to sit back and let him come to you. That is how you know they have true interest. What were you doing with your time before you began talking to him? Curb your expectations until they've developed the legs to go the distance. He's not your defacto boyfriend right now: he's a guy who has a life and he's getting to know you as an aspect of it. Focus on your life and get to know him as an aspect of it instead of trying to make him your whole life. 3
Author greymatter Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 And at this stage of things, he's not obligated to save you from this. This is your heavy lift to get under control. He doesn't know you well enough to wade into this to handle it, nor should he. In order to gauge interest, you have to sit back and let him come to you. That is how you know they have true interest. What were you doing with your time before you began talking to him? Curb your expectations until they've developed the legs to go the distance. He's not your defacto boyfriend right now: he's a guy who has a life and he's getting to know you as an aspect of it. Focus on your life and get to know him as an aspect of it instead of trying to make him your whole life. I agree with everything that you said. I won't let him know about this, and did sit back and wait. As hard as it is..I really want to see evidence that he is into me and also I don't want to rush this. It is not how I handled things with the last relationship and it hurt the relationship (and the ex had plenty of responsibility for that on his end too). I know there is plenty of time ahead of us to get to know each other and see how things develop. But when this happened today, it became very apparent to me that I still have the anxiously attached style that I would like to change into the "securely attached, able to sit back and tolerate ambiguity sometimes" kind of style. I have a very busy life (working full time, parenting a child and seeing friends, and also carving out time for myself, because I need alone time). And am fitting him in around it, as he is fitting me in around his. It actually works best for me to not have a partner who needs me every second of the day. And his work and activities are things that I really admire and would not want to get in the way of, but be a bonus to. 2
Dis Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I used to do the same thing I know how exhausting it is... its so hard deal with I did OLD for almost 2 years and I drove myself nuts with the constant worrying and anxiety over everyyyyyy guy I dated I know this is going to sound bizzare but what helped me was time, experience and disappointment lol. I learned that most of the guys I dated wouldnt be in my life for long and a good amount of them werent worth a single thought nevermind anxiety I think I just got more realisitic as I continued to date and also more accepting that the right guy will come along ... but until then... Im not going to drive myself nuts with every guy I date I'm still a nervous type of person and kind of high strung in some ways but I think I just ran out of f***s to give Be patient with yourself girl and at the end of the day... you're just fine on your own.... a guy wont make you or break you 7
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 The old me would have reached out to him but I have no wish to try and prompt a response, so I guess that is progress. this is progress!! Apart from that you need to slow your mind down. You can help that by not planning so far in advance. Both of you have put an awful lot of pressure on yourselves and the relationship by planning that much in the future after only one date. Try to take things day by day! It will help you see the REALITY of your relationship and who the other person is rather than get tied into some fantasy or obligation. Good luck 1
Author greymatter Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 I used to do the same thing I know how exhausting it is... its so hard deal with I did OLD for almost 2 years and I drove myself nuts with the constant worrying and anxiety over everyyyyyy guy I dated I know this is going to sound bizzare but what helped me was time, experience and disappointment lol. I learned that most of the guys I dated wouldnt be in my life for long and a good amount of them werent worth a single thought nevermind anxiety I think I just got more realisitic as I continued to date and also more accepting that the right guy will come along ... but until then... Im not going to drive myself nuts with every guy I date I'm still a nervous type of person and kind of high strung in some ways but I think I just ran out of f***s to give Be patient with yourself girl and at the end of the day... you're just fine on your own.... a guy wont make you or break you This is an awesome post and the bolded sections made me smile. Thank you, very helpful to read this! 1
Author greymatter Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 this is progress!! Apart from that you need to slow your mind down. You can help that by not planning so far in advance. Both of you have put an awful lot of pressure on yourselves and the relationship by planning that much in the future after only one date. Try to take things day by day! It will help you see the REALITY of your relationship and who the other person is rather than get tied into some fantasy or obligation. Good luck I totally hear what you are saying, but between our work schedules and obligations to family and friends, we are comparing schedules and picking out times that will work. You're right, that there is no need to create pressure around it, although I haven't been feeling that exactly, it's more that I think we just really want to see each other. But will keep that in mind!
Author greymatter Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 this is progress!! Apart from that you need to slow your mind down. You can help that by not planning so far in advance. Both of you have put an awful lot of pressure on yourselves and the relationship by planning that much in the future after only one date. Try to take things day by day! It will help you see the REALITY of your relationship and who the other person is rather than get tied into some fantasy or obligation. Good luck I totally hear what you are saying, but between our work schedules and obligations to family and friends, we are comparing schedules and picking out times that will work. You're right, that there is no need to create pressure around it, although I haven't been feeling that exactly, it's more that I think we just really want to see each other. But will keep that in mind! Also, I'm happy that he is the kind of guy who wants to make plans in advance, rather than leaving it as an unknown.
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I totally hear what you are saying, but between our work schedules and obligations to family and friends, we are comparing schedules and picking out times that will work. You're right, that there is no need to create pressure around it, although I haven't been feeling that exactly, it's more that I think we just really want to see each other. But will keep that in mind! Also, I'm happy that he is the kind of guy who wants to make plans in advance, rather than leaving it as an unknown. Hmmmm, well you could still book one date at a time. Excuse me for just being upfront, i just think that doing the planning like that and for those reasons will take the emotional momentum and excitement out of it. and bam then you have a guy who becomes slower to respond etc. You can't only think of what you like (it is nice to have a guy who makes plans)...However, that both communicates to him that you are "all in", putting him in a top/high priority before he's actually earned it AND make take the oomph out of it for him. You can't be in such a hurry to get INTO a relationship that you end up bombing it by the actions taken in the first weeks. I hope I am wrong and that everything will be fine but guys can end up feeling "obligated" really darn quick even if they are the ones who asked for the plans and were moving full steam ahead. You need to temper it a bit for your sake and his and the better chance of the relationship succeeding. My opinion, for what it's worth. Also you might learn how to manage your anxiety in a relationship better if you pace things better. Good luck 2
todreaminblue Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) I guess im lucky i am the anxious type.....and the people who love me understand how i am and try to make it easier on me and i love them even more for that...i am a worrier and it comes from a good place my worry.....i care......as far as dating goes ......i wouldnt want to date a guy who didnt care how i felt.....who wasnt at least willing to udnerstand sometimes i get anxious and i worry.....if he cant text or call fine i dont initiate much nomrally im the opposite but if i text and that guy doesnt respond after two days or a day....to me that shows a defined lack of interest and with that lack of interest ill distance myself nto goign to throw my focus to a guy who doesnt suit me.........if he is at work or busy i would understand.....i dotn expect to text and talk all day......but when im anxious .....it would really ease my mind to be with someone who is a little attentive compassionate kind understanding gentle enough to try to give me soem leadway.... .....and i would like to feel that my happiness is also important ..doesnt take much to make me happy...a hey im at work hey im busy talk later.......i would be thinking of his ....so i feel me wanting a level of communication reciprocated equally is not too much of an ask...maybe im wrong to feel the way i do...if i was anxious and in your situation when he replied i would be homest and say got a little anxious there than you for your reply....which would lead into telling him sometimes i worry a little..i wouldntn try adn act all cool.....i woudl show my appreciation in honesty....ill try not to next time be so anxious..........at least its open and honest that way...... and again ill say myabe im wrong...but people who truly do care for me dont tend to think im not worth the effort.i really dont ask for much....and i also give i feel more than i take.........maybe im spoilt though....by expecting a level of attention that guys shouldnt have to give .....they should set the tone.....for me ....i prefer that its equal.... but if its enough to scare a guy away from me by lettign him know i get anxious at times or that i am a worrier who cares a little too much.... .....then that guy...is not my kind of guy.......deb Edited May 4, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
GoneGirl32 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) Thanks. I have a professional counseling background and am just posting here for support, not looking for medical/medication advice, however. P.S. I do not in general have anxiety and am not in need of meds. I was talking about relationship attachment style, which is a thing. If it's a "thing" then just about anyone who is embarking on a new relationship pretty much experiences the same "thing." We all experience anxiety in these very early stages where there is lots of uncertainty until you both know how you feel and where you want it to go. JMO but I think it's wrong to expect a guy to keep up the same pace he had in the "beginning" all throughout. It can get exhausting! At some point, things start to calm down, contact becomes a bit less, maybe you'll miss a day, it's OKAY!! We're allowed to take short breaks once in awhile (a day or two) to 'catch our breath'. Especially in these very early stages. Anyway, I am glad he called! If I have any advice it's try to relax and become more flexible in your thinking and attitude. He's allowed to switch it up once in a while, like maybe not call for a day if he needs to chill. Perfectly normal imho! Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32 2
Author greymatter Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 Hmmmm, well you could still book one date at a time. Excuse me for just being upfront, i just think that doing the planning like that and for those reasons will take the emotional momentum and excitement out of it. and bam then you have a guy who becomes slower to respond etc. You can't only think of what you like (it is nice to have a guy who makes plans)...However, that both communicates to him that you are "all in", putting him in a top/high priority before he's actually earned it AND make take the oomph out of it for him. You can't be in such a hurry to get INTO a relationship that you end up bombing it by the actions taken in the first weeks. I hope I am wrong and that everything will be fine but guys can end up feeling "obligated" really darn quick even if they are the ones who asked for the plans and were moving full steam ahead. You need to temper it a bit for your sake and his and the better chance of the relationship succeeding. My opinion, for what it's worth. Also you might learn how to manage your anxiety in a relationship better if you pace things better. Good luck It's good to have this different perspective. I'll ponder this. Thanks.
Author greymatter Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) I guess im lucky i am the anxious type.....and the people who love me understand how i am and try to make it easier on me and i love them even more for that...i am a worrier and it comes from a good place my worry.....i care......as far as dating goes ......i wouldnt want to date a guy who didnt care how i felt.....who wasnt at least willing to udnerstand sometimes i get anxious and i worry.....if he cant text or call fine i dont initiate much nomrally im the opposite but if i text and that guy doesnt respond after two days or a day....to me that shows a defined lack of interest and with that lack of interest ill distance myself nto goign to throw my focus to a guy who doesnt suit me.........if he is at work or busy i would understand.....i dotn expect to text and talk all day......but when im anxious .....it would really ease my mind to be with someone who is a little attentive compassionate kind understanding gentle enough to try to give me soem leadway.... Thanks Deb. It probably wouldn't be the way I'd approach but I definitely appreciate reading your thoughts. Edited May 4, 2017 by greymatter All of Deb's post didn't get quoted - sorry Deb. 1
Author greymatter Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 If it's a "thing" then just about anyone who is embarking on a new relationship pretty much experiences the same "thing." We all experience anxiety in these very early stages where there is lots of uncertainty until you both know how you feel and where you want it to go. JMO but I think it's wrong to expect a guy to keep up the same pace he had in the "beginning" all throughout. It can get exhausting! At some point, things start to calm down, contact becomes a bit less, maybe you'll miss a day, it's OKAY!! We're allowed to take short breaks once in awhile (a day or two) to 'catch our breath'. Especially in these very early stages. Anyway, I am glad he called! If I have any advice it's try to relax and become more flexible in your thinking and attitude. He's allowed to switch it up once in a while, like maybe not call for a day if he needs to chill. Perfectly normal imho! This is so helpful. I have a feeling I'll be reading again as a reminder. Truly, thank you. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Thanks Deb. It probably wouldn't be the way I'd approach but I definitely appreciate reading your thoughts. hey grey matter thanks for replying...dotncha just love it when people... reply.... ;0).....its really special when others show appreciation.....a simple thankyou.....is always a beautiful thing.... it takes all types.....and we dont have to agree...i wish you well and im glad he responded to you...deb 1
Popsicle Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I see the positive in this. It could be a lot worse, you could be not dating anyone, and not feeling anything. This is exciting! 2
kendahke Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) I guess im lucky i am the anxious type.....and the people who love me understand how i am That's because they already know you---it doesn't necessarily work with emotionally whole/healthy people who, as the OP put it, are "on the cusp of a new relationship". For people who know you, they've made an emotional investment in you and there's something in it for them. People who don't know you haven't invested much of anything emotionally yet until such a time as they get to know you better and feel there's something in it for them to be a part of your life. That is why people ghost: there is nothing binding them because they haven't made an emotional investment and wish to keep it that way. Big difference between the two. I'm about a month into a new relationship and yes, we were texting daily, calling daily. Now the communication is tapering off a little, but it doesn't mean that he's losing interest. It means he has a life and things going on in it that have to be tended to---same with me. We catch up with each other and manage to talk every other day, if not every day. Because of the driving distance between us, we see each other on the weekends, unless, like last weekend, there were plans in place before he and I met. Absolutely no reason to get anxious about any of this. Keeping expectations to a minimum really, REALLY works, especially in the beginning while we're still getting to know one another. I think that curbing the need to be in a relationship so badly that one rushes expectations onto the other person prematurely is key to it going the distance. I've found that my guy tends to want to rush and I'm the one saying "let's let this develop a little more before doing that." It's not scaring me and I"m not running for the hills: the man likes me a lot and is more demonstrative than most guys I've encountered. It's rather endearing to me. Why? Because I'm electing to invest in this because I feel there is something in this for me. Also because if it doesn't work out, I understand my life isn't over or that I'll never meet anyone ever again. Even though it's been a couple of years since I've met someone new who is interested in me, this guy is proof that there are men out there who are of the same mind and I'll be fine if this fizzles... I'll eventually meet someone new when the time is right. Then again, perhaps that's the luxury of being 57--I'm able to take the long view and be fine with my life with or without a partner. Edited May 4, 2017 by kendahke 2
Author greymatter Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 I think that curbing the need to be in a relationship so badly that one rushes expectations onto the other person prematurely is key to it going the distance. I've found that my guy tends to want to rush and I'm the one saying "let's let this develop a little more before doing that." It's not scaring me and I"m not running for the hills: the man likes me a lot and is more demonstrative than most guys I've encountered. It's rather endearing to me. Why? Because I'm electing to invest in this because I feel there is something in this for me. Also because if it doesn't work out, I understand my life isn't over or that I'll never meet anyone ever again. Even though it's been a couple of years since I've met someone new who is interested in me, this guy is proof that there are men out there who are of the same mind and I'll be fine if this fizzles... I'll eventually meet someone new when the time is right. Then again, perhaps that's the luxury of being 57--I'm able to take the long view and be fine with my life with or without a partner. I can't tell if you are generalizing, talking about your own issues, or addressing this to me. If addressing it to me, it contains some assumptions that I'm desperate for a relationship and that I'm in a different demographic than you. But I don't think that's what you intended to communicate (at least I hope not because it would be pretty condescending if so). I don't think it takes being in one's 50s to appreciate the opportunity to be single vs. coupled. I would absolutely rather be single than with the wrong person, why I initiated a divorce after an 18 year relationship. Personally, I want to be in contact with a partner daily. That is just me. If I experience a tapering off, it might even be a dealbreaker - for me personally. With the new guy I posted about here - he could be all that, at least as I can tell after only a month of knowing him. But I suspect he is someone who may run warm/cold (I don't know if he ever runs hot) and I'm watching that, though it's so early on it is hard to know anything. In what ways is your guy trying to rush things (beyond your comfort zone) and how are you slowing that down?
Author greymatter Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 I think that curbing the need to be in a relationship so badly that one rushes expectations onto the other person prematurely is key to it going the distance. I've found that my guy tends to want to rush and I'm the one saying "let's let this develop a little more before doing that." It's not scaring me and I"m not running for the hills: the man likes me a lot and is more demonstrative than most guys I've encountered. It's rather endearing to me. Why? Because I'm electing to invest in this because I feel there is something in this for me. Also because if it doesn't work out, I understand my life isn't over or that I'll never meet anyone ever again. Even though it's been a couple of years since I've met someone new who is interested in me, this guy is proof that there are men out there who are of the same mind and I'll be fine if this fizzles... I'll eventually meet someone new when the time is right. Then again, perhaps that's the luxury of being 57--I'm able to take the long view and be fine with my life with or without a partner. I can't tell if you are generalizing, talking about your own issues/just sharing, or addressing this to me. If addressing it to me, it contains some assumptions that I'm desperate for a relationship and that I'm in a different demographic than you. But I don't think that's what you intended to communicate (at least I hope not because it would be pretty condescending if so). I don't think it takes being in one's 50s to appreciate the opportunity to be single vs. coupled. I would absolutely rather be single than with the wrong person, why I initiated a divorce after an 18 year relationship 5 years ago. Personally, I want to be in contact with a partner daily. That is just me. If I experience a tapering off, it might even be a dealbreaker - for me. To each her own. With the new guy I posted about here - he could be all that in terms of what I'm looking for in a partner, at least from what I can tell after only a month of knowing him, which is obviously too soon to tell anything. But I suspect he is someone who may run warm/cold (and I don't know if he ever runs hot) and I'm assessing that, though it's so early on it is hard to know anything. Consistency over time is very important to me. In what ways is your guy trying to rush things (beyond your comfort zone) and how are you slowing that down? What are you uncomfortable with, and why (I'm sincerely interested). 1
Author greymatter Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 Hope it's okay to post again to my thread, even though no recent replies. I am seeing him in a few hours for our 2nd date. I definitely have butterflies. Am trying to integrate what I am reading here and elsewhere on the board. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 (edited) That's because they already know you---it doesn't necessarily work with emotionally whole/healthy people who, as the OP put it, are "on the cusp of a new relationship". For people who know you, they've made an emotional investment in you and there's something in it for them. People who don't know you haven't invested much of anything emotionally yet until such a time as they get to know you better and feel there's something in it for them to be a part of your life. That is why people ghost: there is nothing binding them because they haven't made an emotional investment and wish to keep it that way. Big difference between the two. see i guess that is the thing i dont normally dat eguys who arent willing to make an emotional investment with me...like i woudlnt date a guy i wasnt willing to make an investment in.....i normally only date guys i know or have known from a lace of friendship so they get to see the ugly and the beautiful in me..and i get to see the guly and the beautiful in them......i find that to be far more...healthy and whole..... as you succinctly put a marriage is an investment...when i date its in view to marriage...long term .......its my future its my family's future the whole kit and caboodle....and i would rather put my best foot forward going into a relationship one that is true to me...and true to who i am..true to my family..so if that guy chooses to be with me...he is most like going to be the type of guy who is true to himself as well..... im not goign to pretend when im anxious that im not..its visible anyway.....i dont take medication so when i get anxious my fingers shake....my breathing goes.....i work through that anxiety by beign as honest as i can....my relationships normally are all over the six month mark.....when i date its for longer than six months.. ...and when i do date its the guys who call me more than i call them text me more than i text them i let them set the pace...and i am fully aware texting etc dies down or tapers off...doestn change much for me actually...and that si because they set the pace...adn its regular..... ....i just dont go for guys who are ignorant..who for no good reason ignores calls or texts...havign a reason is different......and I havent really had that problem often.....because i am also forgiving....and easy to talk to......i have my flaws and i am accepting of the guy i am dating his flaws...which because i date from guys i have known for a while normally...i already know the flaws and im not surpised by them.... it takes all types and you might not agree with me...doesnt make you right and me wrong or me a threat to a whole and healthy man...who and healthy men in my mind understand hwo to make an emotional investment and dont need to be told...........doesnt make me right and you wrong either... we are different in what we consider healthy ...i consider me being honest to be healthy..like fro me peanut butter is healthy but for some if it gives them an anaphalactic rection...we are different....most guys i date long term appreciate the honesty thing...they get to understand me honesty about my anxiety or issues dealing with them up front as soon as they happen.........saves me bottling things up and becoming resentful to the guy i am dating or the next guy i date if it werent to work out...its actually a therapy techinque for handling anxiety....as you put there is a difference ..you arent me and i am not you and my ways may not be yours...its all good..i love peanut butter......i wish you well.....deb Edited May 7, 2017 by todreaminblue
Miss Spider Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Stay chill and have a wonderful time on your date!!!! 2
Author greymatter Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 Stay chill and have a wonderful time on your date!!!! Thank you Cookiesandough! The date was yesterday and we spent about 4 hours together and he took me to lunch, which we hadn't planned in advance. I am really enjoying getting to know him, and I like him a lot (!). He's upbeat, fun, polite, intriguing. He seems interested in me and appreciative also. I felt so comfortable with him. We were in a social setting for the majority of the time (at an event he invited me to that he was overseeing), but hung out and talked the entire time when we weren't talking with others together, and then it was a nice surprise to go off and have lunch on our own. I had so much fun with him. I am appreciating this board so much. The comments I've received, along with reading others' threads, have me taking a step back and feeling good about going slower in terms of the amount of contact I'm needing. I feel more relaxed about things after yesterday, and it feels like he is as interested as I am. I can better see that there is no need to rush it. 1
joseb Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Personally, I want to be in contact with a partner daily. That is just me. If I experience a tapering off, it might even be a dealbreaker - for me. To each her own. . To.each their own indeed. But I'm genuinely curious about this need for constant contact. I really can't fathom it at all. You are not so unusual at all in this, I see it a lot on here. I just don't get it. Someone that didn't exist in your life a few weeks ago, and now unless you hear from them every day, then that's it. Game over? 2
Author greymatter Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 To.each their own indeed. But I'm genuinely curious about this need for constant contact. I really can't fathom it at all. You are not so unusual at all in this, I see it a lot on here. I just don't get it. Someone that didn't exist in your life a few weeks ago, and now unless you hear from them every day, then that's it. Game over? Thanks Joseb. I think all of you are having a positive influence on my idea that there has to be daily contact. I did indeed feel that way very strongly when I said it might be a dealbreaker to not have it. It was a big issue in my last relationship. But in truth, in my last relationship I also felt obligated to constantly answer his every text and always say good morning and good night, etc. and I didn't always feel like it. But took it as a sign of not caring when he didn't. Not healthy. I'm realizing from reading here that there is more than one way to go about it, and that the amount of contact does not necessarily define the quality of the relationship. And yesterday I was so busy with friends and activities that I did not reach out to him, nor he me, and I felt totally okay with that after having such a fulfilling time with him on Saturday. I have also been thinking that my ex and I messaged way too much in my last relationship, and that a lot of that was unnecessary but the last 5 months of that relationship was long distance so texting was all we had except for the once a month visit. With this new man being local, I have been thinking that there is less of a need to waste time messaging because it's the in-person time that matters so much more. Suffice it to say that my view toward communication is evolving in a good direction that should have a positive effect on my expectations!
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