Two days ahead of the date [UPDATE: how to respond to cancelled date]

[greymatter]

I'm OLDing and have received many messages from men in the past 3 months since I got back online, but I'm not interested in 99% of the invitations, though I appreciate them.

 

I finally connected with someone who does interest me about 2 weeks ago. He asked to meet (after two days of exchanging messages) and we both had plans last weekend, so picked this coming Saturday as a day we are both free. He has been messaging me daily. However, he hasn't confirmed the place/time and I'm feeling really annoyed and uncertain about him now.

 

Part of me wants to ask if we are still getting together because I have a friend who would like to get together on Saturday for a walk. And after my last 14-month relationship with a guy who wasn't as into me as I was into him ultimately, I feel like I should wait it out and see if this guy confirms a plan with me. I don't want to have to ASK - because it feels like it puts me in a weak position right out of the gate. If he is excited to meet me, he should have confirmed already, right? I'm trying hard to take a step back and let his actions show me what to do. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who is into having just a pen pal - but maybe he is.

Edited April 20, 2017 by greymatter

[d0nnivain]

Definitely shore up the plans. Say something like, Did we ever decide what we were doing on Saturday?

[Titanll]

Why make a problem where there may not be one? Shore up the plans if you feel you need to. As a man, I wouldn't feel like you were being in a weak position. I would be impressed and flattered. Guy could be working on some awesome plans and will confirm when things are "booked".

 

I would offer one piece of advice: let go of your past relationship "baggage". Also as a man, I am very sensitive to these these things (not that you are showing it to him) and it's very off putting to be judged by things that happened in someones past. Of course, you know this.

[greymatter]

 

I would offer one piece of advice: let go of your past relationship "baggage". Also as a man, I am very sensitive to these these things (not that you are showing it to him) and it's very off putting to be judged by things that happened in someones past. Of course, you know this.

 

I actually really need to hear this, even though I logically know it. It makes me see how much I do have baggage and need to be very careful that I don't let the past negatively effect my future interactions with men. I guess I'm exquisitely sensitive, too much so.

[greymatter]

The thing is, we are just meeting for coffee. I've had meals with men as a first date in the past, and prefer to set a shorter coffee date now as a first meeting to see if I want to go on a real date with the person. So it's not like we have big plans.

[Titanll]

The thing is, we are just meeting for coffee. I've had meals with men as a first date in the past, and prefer to set a shorter coffee date now as a first meeting to see if I want to go on a real date with the person. So it's not like we have big plans.

 

So you already know what you are doing? Not to be snarky but you are only meeting for coffee to see if you see if you want to go on a "real" date and you are getting a bit worried about confirming plans?

 

Slow down that grey matter haha! You may be overthinking things or you have a genuine interest in this guy and are hoping that that is reciprocated. Everyone is different but I don't even bother with "coffee" dates. I don't do the casual date thing. I get what you re saying but but it's like a pre-date to see if you want to go on a real date. Whether you meet OLD or IRL, you can establish some feel for whether you want a real date someone without having to screen things with a coffee date, in my opinion.

[greymatter]

So you already know what you are doing? Not to be snarky but you are only meeting for coffee to see if you see if you want to go on a "real" date and you are getting a bit worried about confirming plans?

 

Slow down that grey matter haha! You may be overthinking things or you have a genuine interest in this guy and are hoping that that is reciprocated. Everyone is different but I don't even bother with "coffee" dates. I don't do the casual date thing. I get what you re saying but but it's like a pre-date to see if you want to go on a real date. Whether you meet OLD or IRL, you can establish some feel for whether you want a real date someone without having to screen things with a coffee date, in my opinion.

 

Hi Titanll. Coffee works for me and clearly for him as well, since he suggested it. You are right that I think, based on our communication exchange so far, that I have a genuine interest in this guy and I am hoping it is reciprocated, but I also know that until we meet in person, it is impossible to know if there is real chemistry. I guess I don't put a lot of weight into whether the date is casual or not, as long as we are meeting and having an opportunity to spend time together to see how it feels IRL. I don't need a formal dinner to have it seem like a real date! Maybe I'm not explaining that part of how I feel well. Interested to hear more from your perspective. Meaning, what does a real date mean to you?

 

Edited to say - please keep commenting/giving input. I want to hear it (just in case that doesn't come through in my writing).

Edited April 20, 2017 by greymatter

[clia]

If you are just meeting him for coffee, I see no reason why you can't go ahead and make plans with your friend and then squeeze him in later.

[preraph]

Since you're talking daily, there is no reason not to just ask him. Say casually, "Hey, what did you decide about this weekend?" And then nail him down on the details. Throw in that you need to know when and where and what so you can get any clothes ready and clear your schedule. Don't wait until the day of. Do it at least by early Friday.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman too. When you are confirming the plans, there are two perspectives:

 

 

1.

OMG

,

OMG

, wrings hands,

OMG

, is he going to call? Does he like me? Oh gee whiz, I hope this works out. I don't know what I'

m

going to do if he doesn't call or keeps me hanging on. Do I look desperate?

OMG

.

 

 

or

 

 

2. Hey look. My time is valuable. Let's set a concrete date, time & place because I got things to do & a life to live. It seems like it'd be fun to get together but if you can't be decisive enough to do me the courtesy of scheduling a cup of coffee I need to move on.

 

You don't say any of the above but you need to be clear in your own mind about who you are & what you want.

 

 

One is asking questions from a position of weakness. The other embodies self confidence. It's not the Q; it's how you ask it.

 

 

Nail him down. Have coffee & I hope things work out.

[Spring23]

The thing is, we are just meeting for coffee. I've had meals with men as a first date in the past, and prefer to set a shorter coffee date now as a first meeting to see if I want to go on a real date with the person. So it's not like we have big plans.

 

Coffee is a great idea. This way if there isn't any chemistry at least you won't have to choke down a meal.

 

Just send him a text saying "What time did you want to meet for coffee?" It will relieve a lot of stress.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Spring23

[Titanll]

Hi Titanll. Coffee works for me and clearly for him as well, since he suggested it. You are right that I think, based on our communication exchange so far, that I have a genuine interest in this guy and I am hoping it is reciprocated, but I also know that until we meet in person, it is impossible to know if there is real chemistry. I guess I don't put a lot of weight into whether the date is casual or not, as long as we are meeting and having an opportunity to spend time together to see how it feels IRL. I don't need a formal dinner to have it seem like a real date! Maybe I'm not explaining that part of how I feel well. Interested to hear more from your perspective. Meaning, what does a real date mean to you?

 

Edited to say - please keep commenting/giving input. I want to hear it (just in case that doesn't come through in my writing).

 

Well, I suppose what I mean when I say "real date" is that once some mutual interest is established, could be by phone or text convo, that I don't see the need for a short "trial" date. I will be slaughtered by the "tightwad and way to cautious crowd" but I give my time and money, if you will, freely to dating so I would want a more substantial date. Of course, dinner is fine but anything where communication isn't impeded and you're having fun is great. Coffee is not a bad idea, I just have a problem with the whole "let's see if there is chemistry between us" part. If you have talked and texted and established some mutual interest, just go on a date. It is totally possible to meet in real life and find that you have NO attraction to the person. In that case, do what you want. Bail or stay and enjoy yourself. No harm, no foul. I would be clear that I felt no attraction but to be honest, that has never happened to me.

 

I recently went on a date at an arcade. I'm 41, she's 35. I was a hair from saying no because...well, because I'm an idiot, haha! We had the best time. Sure it was noisy but you could get a beer and food and we laughed and created some memories and stories. I would have never thought of it...it was a good way to open my eyes about what a good date can be. I consider my self to be open and adventurous but an arcade? And to think, I was a hair from saying no because I was being a bit stuffy. Not even sure the relevance to our conversation but I guess sharing positive dating stories has some benefit.

[act00]

I think I would just ask, "We haven't planned a time or place for Saturday. What thoughts do you have?" See where it goes. You also take the time to research a place and think of time (distance) if you're ultimately going to have to travel someplace you're unfamiliar with. You've been texting all week, so one would hope he still has Saturday on his brain and is looking forward to it. Maybe you need to be the one to put in the nudge since he's feeling every bit as insecure as you are. You like him, so just go for it. I like to think that men don't necessarily want women who can't be a little bit forthcoming and express some interest.

[greymatter]

Well, I suppose what I mean when I say "real date" is that once some mutual interest is established, could be by phone or text convo, that I don't see the need for a short "trial" date. I will be slaughtered by the "tightwad and way to cautious crowd" but I give my time and money, if you will, freely to dating so I would want a more substantial date. Of course, dinner is fine but anything where communication isn't impeded and you're having fun is great. Coffee is not a bad idea, I just have a problem with the whole "let's see if there is chemistry between us" part. If you have talked and texted and established some mutual interest, just go on a date. It is totally possible to meet in real life and find that you have NO attraction to the person. In that case, do what you want. Bail or stay and enjoy yourself. No harm, no foul. I would be clear that I felt no attraction but to be honest, that has never happened to me.

 

I recently went on a date at an arcade. I'm 41, she's 35. I was a hair from saying no because...well, because I'm an idiot, haha! We had the best time. Sure it was noisy but you could get a beer and food and we laughed and created some memories and stories. I would have never thought of it...it was a good way to open my eyes about what a good date can be. I consider my self to be open and adventurous but an arcade? And to think, I was a hair from saying no because I was being a bit stuffy. Not even sure the relevance to our conversation but I guess sharing positive dating stories has some benefit.

 

Now that I've thought more about what I've written in my first post, I don't really think of this as a pre-date. It is definitely a real date to me. But for me, the scenario you described (in the arcade, and honestly, I would have had the same reaction as you and would have wondered about the idea) sounds more comfortable and relaxed than dinner. For a first meeting, I would have to worry about who would pay and do I have salad in my teeth, and sometimes I don't like eating when I'm first meeting someone and want to talk to them a lot without worrying about food in my teeth. So having a coffee date feels very comfortable to me and feels like much less pressure.

 

With my ex-BF, our first date was dinner and it was wonderful, so it's not like I haven't done that. And I appreciate your "all in" attitude with not being afraid to give your time and money in the process. I think it's great that you ultimately went with it and ended up having a good time!

 

I have definitely had dates in the past where I felt zero attraction, and it was fine, if a bit awkward. Some of those were coffee dates and some were lunch or dinner. In between then and now I was in a relationship, so it's been a year and a half since I've had a date because the breakup was relatively recent. This is the first guy I've been interested in, out of all of the men who have sent messages. And right now, coffee just seems like a natural first date and it is what he suggested. I truly shouldn't have called it a pre-date. It is a real date in my mind.

Edited April 22, 2017 by greymatter

[Imajerk17]

I take it time and place has all been established?

 

Anyway greymatter I hope you have fun on your meeting w this guy!

[greymatter]

I take it time and place has all been established?

 

Anyway greymatter I hope you have fun on your meeting w this guy!

 

Yes, we have a plan! Thank you so much, I really hope it goes well.

[act00]

Yes, we have a plan! Thank you so much, I really hope it goes well.

 

It will. Relax and have fun!

 

We expect an update.

[Spring23]

Yes, we have a plan! Thank you so much, I really hope it goes well.

 

Remember you need to report back and tell us everything that happened on your date...OK, not everything.

[greymatter]

Thanks all, for asking for an update. The date happened this afternoon and it was very nice. It was easy to talk with him and he was engaged and interesting. I don't know if he was attracted and I'm still assessing if I am, but I really liked him as a person. We exchanged quick hugs (coming and going). It was a different feeling than I had with my now ex-BF, where the attraction was instant (my ex-BF was totally my type though, tall, handsome, chiseled jaw, etc.) and yet that eventually crashed and burned, and I'm looking for something with substance, whatever that is. The bottom line is that I had fun and it felt good to be on a date, and I would get together with him again if he were to ask. And if he doesn't, I can live with that also. He said he would be in touch so we'll see.

[Imajerk17]

Thanks all, for asking for an update. The date happened this afternoon and it was very nice. It was easy to talk with him and he was engaged and interesting. I don't know if he was attracted and I'm still assessing if I am, but I really liked him as a person. We exchanged quick hugs (coming and going). It was a different feeling than I had with my now ex-BF, where the attraction was instant (my ex-BF was totally my type though, tall, handsome, chiseled jaw, etc.) and yet that eventually crashed and burned, and I'm looking for something with substance, whatever that is. The bottom line is that I had fun and it felt good to be on a date, and I would get together with him again if he were to ask. And if he doesn't, I can live with that also. He said he would be in touch so we'll see.

 

Sounds like it went well and you have a good attitude about things. Glad you had a good time!

[spiderowl]

I know how you must be feeling and how annoying it is. Frankly, I would have allowed him up to two days before the date to confirm and then, if he hadn't, say I will be making other arrangements. You should not be put in the position of having to ask. If he wanted a date, he would be eager to pin it down so you did not change your mind. He may be socially inept or shy or something but maybe he will learn a lesson once he realises women will not wait around for ever.

[greymatter]

I'm posting here because I know that I'm the "anxiously attached" type, or at least I have been in the past though I'm working on re-wiring that leaning. I'm a very smart person professionally and get along great with my family, but when it comes to relationships, I've determined that I'm the anxiously attached type and was in a pursuer/distance relationship with my ex-BF. As you can probably guess, I realized in hindsight that I was the pursuer.

 

I'm now on the cusp of what could possibly be my next relationship. We seem very well matched. I posted a few weeks ago about having a 1st coffee date and that went really well. We've been in touch daily since, and have another date this coming weekend and plans for a few days later as well, and the weekend after that. We both have crazy schedules but have firm plans to see each other.

 

But I haven't heard from him since yesterday. We had our usual message exchange yesterday and usually he's in touch at the end and beginning of each day (and sometimes in between) but not last night or today. I sent the last message.

 

This is the kind of scenario that completely triggers my anxiety. It doesn't take much, I'm embarrassed to say. However, after everything I've read over the last few months since my breakup, I'm taking a step back and seeing what unfolds. But it is still really hard not to wonder. I wish that I were a more chill, wait and see kind of person. I'm not exactly freaking out, and I'm overall a logical, calm, rationale person, but emotionally I must admit...this kind of thing gets to me. The old me would have reached out to him but I have no wish to try and prompt a response, so I guess that is progress.

Edited May 3, 2017 by greymatter

[preraph]

Modifying your behavior will hopefully result in you seeing more success and be the motivator to make you change it.

 

If you get really anxious, you might want to talk to a psychologist or even an m.d. and try anti-anxiety med, some mild type.

[greymatter]

Thanks. I have a professional counseling background and am just posting here for support, not looking for medical/medication advice, however.

 

P.S. I do not in general have anxiety and am not in need of meds. I was talking about relationship attachment style, which is a thing.

Edited May 3, 2017 by greymatter

[greymatter]

I did hear from him, of course after typing all of that.