Ex-Girlfriend problems...

[Alexx94]

Pretty much I was with a girl for 4 years (age 15-19) she was the hottest girl in my year and chose me because im a 'nice guy'. She broke up with me 2 months ago, with the main reason being because I was always paranoid of her and she couldnt put up with it anymore.

 

The problem is I cant get over her because she is SUPER hot. Like straight 10/10, big ass, big boobs, skinny, nice hair, looks good in everything - the lot. Since we have broke up she has been posting somewhat 'slutty' photos on instragram showing of what she has (legs, boobs, bum) and from what ive been told shes been 'putting herself out there' on snapchat and going out a lot. All stuff which she would never have done when she was with me.

 

So yeah, i need help getting over her. Done loads of things people have suggested but I guess i just cant see myself ever getting a girlfriend as hot as she was, because shes literally UNREAL. I cant get her out of my mind. Today has been a low point for me.

[Telemachus]

The phrase "always paranoid of her" has no meaning. Your description of her is shallow and superficial.

 

Her breaking up with you must have been the hottest thing ever. Because she was so hot, it couldn't have been otherwise. You'll never have a breakup hotter than that, because meeting and breaking up with an 11/10 is an impossibility, so just enjoy it.

 

Relationships with hotties run their course, but the breakups are so hot and last forever. It's wonderful. What may seem now to be a curse is likely to turn out to be a blessing.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Telemachus

[spiderowl]

You will get over her and probably faster if you avoid looking at her photos/Facebook/snapchat or whatever. Break-ups are incredibly painful and the feelings you go through are like a rollercoaster - hurt, sadness, anger, jealousy, anxiety, grief - you name it. You need to allow yourself to experience the feelings, cry, feel angry and upset. Eventually, you will find yourself being turned off her because she is associated with unpleasant feelings too. Why would you want to be with someone who is willing to hurt you?

 

Once you have gone through all the feelings, become resigned, felt the sadness and the exhaustion of it all, you will come through feeling relief that she's not on your mind the whole time. Eventually, you will start looking at other girls and notice that some are particularly attractive to you. One day, you will meet a girl, find yourself drawn to her and see her as beautiful. You will spend time with her, get attached to her, and then wonder why the hell you ever found your ex attractive. It does happen.

Edited April 18, 2017 by spiderowl

[4x4storm]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup i'm 21 so i've been your age and went through High school and all that business. But I remember legit 90% of relationships broke down within the first month out of high school so your not alone. Late teens and early 20s is the time everyone is discovering themselves it's also the time where people have the "You only live once" attitude.

 

I know it sucks to hear that your ex is putting herself out there so it's normal to have those feelings.

[RecentChange]

So did you love her mind or just her hot body?

 

If you are merely mesmorized by her looks.... You'll get over it, doesn't sound like you are heart broken, just hurt that someone else is going to take a ride.

[Alexx94]

I was with my ex gf for 4 years when she broke up with me.

 

Im just gonna skip to the part that I need advice about, its pretty much that I dont understand what she wants?

 

She broke up with me 2 months ago, last time i saw her we hugged/kissed/cried the lot. 1 Month after the BU, when Im at uni, she texts me that she misses me, we have a brief conversation. 1 week after that she congratulates me on something i achieved, then is really angry at me for 'being blunt' and 'cutting her out of my life'. We ended up having a 2 hour phone call and agreed to meet up when i was back from uni at the start of april.

 

When we were meant to meet up she told me that she had 'made plans' I didnt think too much of this but she said she would let me know about meeting up another time. I was getting inpatient and didnt know what she wanted so I called her and she pretty much told me that she wasnt in love with me anymore and never wanted to be with me again. That was just over 2 weeks ago.

 

Now fast forward to the present. She texted me the other day more or less asking about my family, it was a very short conversation. Today she calls me up asking me to come round? I said that I couldnt, because I couldnt, and we ended up having a 40 minute phone call.

 

In this phone call it was like it always was when we talked, friendly and we sort of 'mug each other off' in a jokey/banter way. But she said a few things that i find confusing. She told me she misses me, still thinks of me, Ive set the bar relatively high, she compares boys to me. But she also asked for my snapchat (because she deleted me, super confused about this!?) and asked me if I was talking to any girls. I said no, because I havent, and she told me that shes been talking to boys. She also said that the next boy she wants to date she wants to be older. (we are 19/20)

 

Im just super confused about everything that has been happening post BU? Not to mention that she has been putting herself out there on instagram and snapchat (which she added me on today). To add more to this she said that we might meet up tomorrow and she would let me know?

 

This has turned out pretty long, sorry. but I need some advice? What is she doing and what does she want? Im so confused. All i can say is that I am not expecting anything or getting my hopes up, because then I cant be disappointed. I just dont know whether she wants to keep me 'on the side' incase she ever needs me again, if you know what I mean? So confused.

 

Thanks

[Alexx94]

I know people will most likely ask or talk about NC, so Ill try and explain whats been happening.

 

Never at one point have I said explicitly 'Im going NC on you'

 

But for the first 3-4 weeks post-BU there was NC and since the start of april when we spoke on the phone until when she messaged me the other day there was NC, which was about 2 weeks ish.

 

The problem is I will always reply to her texts and answer her calls because we ended on good terms and I dont want to come across as if Im ignoring her or being rude?

 

Im literally so confused right now and have no idea what to do

[somanymistakes]

I don't think SHE knows what she wants either. She has a long-standing connection with you, you matter to her, she doesn't want to let go of you, but she also wants to see other people.

 

I think it would be best to tell her explicitly that for YOUR peace of mind you need to be completely out of contact with her for a while and re-center yourself. Be clear that you're not doing it to punish her, but you need to think about you. Set an official NC period and tell her not to talk to you until after that has passed.

 

You both need time apart to figure out who you are without each other.

[avvril3000]

as a woman, i know how to play the game of blurred lines to keep getting the attention of the male/ex/boy in order to gain confidence and boost her ego. its a game young women play in order to feel great and special about themselves, but they dont necessarily want you back. She wants to know you are missing her, thinking about her and longing for her. It makes her feel better about herself. But when you get to a point of being willing to talk or reconcile, she pushes you away again to set up the boundaries. She wants to know you're not seeing anyone else and she says she is to make you jealous and want her more.

 

that's my opinion.

[Bromeo]

as a woman, i know how to play the game of blurred lines to keep getting the attention of the male/ex/boy in order to gain confidence and boost her ego. its a game young women play in order to feel great and special about themselves, but they dont necessarily want you back. She wants to know you are missing her, thinking about her and longing for her. It makes her feel better about herself. But when you get to a point of being willing to talk or reconcile, she pushes you away again to set up the boundaries. She wants to know you're not seeing anyone else and she says she is to make you jealous and want her more.

 

that's my opinion.

 

This is exactly what happened to me. Perfect example.

[d0nnivain]

She is playing games. Not intentionally or with a mean heart but she's doing it. She misses the easy intimacy you two had & wants to fall back on those patterns. She also wants to be free to date others. Problem is her pulling your strings is hurting you.

 

 

Next time she calls tell her the pain she's causing. I think deep down she's a nice person & isn't setting out to hurt you. Be vulnerable but clear. Tell her that she will always be special to you but right now this push pull think is hurting you. You would be happy to talk to her about reconciliation but if she doesn't want that ask her to please leave you alone because you get your hopes up when she calls & then when she blows you off it feels mean.

 

 

Then you have to be tough on yourself & not take her calls because all it's doing is prolonging your healing & delaying your ability to move on.

[jamili]

as a woman, i know how to play the game of blurred lines to keep getting the attention of the male/ex/boy in order to gain confidence and boost her ego. its a game young women play in order to feel great and special about themselves, but they dont necessarily want you back. She wants to know you are missing her, thinking about her and longing for her. It makes her feel better about herself. But when you get to a point of being willing to talk or reconcile, she pushes you away again to set up the boundaries. She wants to know you're not seeing anyone else and she says she is to make you jealous and want her more.

 

that's my opinion.

 

Maybe what was happening to me....

 

Another reason to go harddddd NC

 

Next time she calls tell her the pain she's causing.

 

Personally wouldnt do this as it might risk making you seem weak, which could ruin chances of future reconciliation. Just go hard NC no explanation needed.

Edited April 20, 2017 by jamili

[avvril3000]

Maybe what was happening to me....

 

Another reason to go harddddd NC

 

 

With NC, you take control. You seem stronger (even if its hurting you) and in all honesty, it makes it quicker and easier to move on. ON their side of things, it will make them miss you and wonder about you more than if you always were at their beck and call.

Exes are exes for a reason. Whether you're the dumper or dumpee, the relationship ended because it wasn't good, it wasn't perfect, it meant to be. Use that fact and move forward so you CAN find a better person who WANTS to be with you, or that you prefer to be with.

[avvril3000]

I dont talk to any of my exes. The ones i dumped, for respect for them to move on and find someone more suitable. And the ones where i was dumped, for dignity and let them weep and wonder about someone who was good that they lost out of their own doing.

[Alexx94]

Thanks for all the replies guys, she ended up texting me tonight saying that she couldnt meet up tomorrow.. which is has happened a couple of times already this month.

 

I guess maybe when I go back to uni in a week I will go complete NC, or do you think something like only replying when she texts me first will work? or not?

 

Thanks again

[avvril3000]

Thanks for all the replies guys, she ended up texting me tonight saying that she couldnt meet up tomorrow.. which is has happened a couple of times already this month.

 

I guess maybe when I go back to uni in a week I will go complete NC, or do you think something like only replying when she texts me first will work? or not?

 

Thanks again

 

Honestly, Alexx94, just move on. Stop responding and feeding her attention seeking ego. She's not looking to get back together. She f***ed up. Let her regret it when she realizes she lost you.

[jamili]

Honestly, Alexx94, just move on. Stop responding and feeding her attention seeking ego. She's not looking to get back together. She f***ed up. Let her regret it when she realizes she lost you.

 

Yea i totally agree. I also feel in my case the strict NCis what kept her breadcrumbing me for months and months after the breakup. Still getting them 6 months later. If i never went NC doubt ahe would be reaching out and being so curious.

 

I dont 100% agree with the exes are exes for a reason mantra. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Time and personal growth and maturity can make a huge difference. But i do agree that reconciliations can only happen if you stay NC for an extremely period of time and the dumper grows and learns and comes back with a changed perspective of life, now realizing what they lost.

[Redhead14]

She's using you as an emotional crutch until she finds someone new or until whomever she is seeing now makes things "real". She won't let go completely because she's afraid of being alone but doesn't want you . . .

 

Cut this off. Go no contact and let her own her decision. Basically, she wants to ride a new bike but she doesn't want to take off the training wheels yet . . .

Edited April 20, 2017 by Redhead14

[Alexx94]

So she called me again, about 30 mins ago...

 

She pretty much said shes sorry for messing me about, which is what she wanted to avoid.

 

She said that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, but feels that if she saw me she would want to get back with me. She implied that shes worried that if we met up we might kiss, or go even further, and that would confuse both of us, give me false hope, and put her back at 'day 1 of the BU' again.

 

I think she still has some feeling for me and is worried that they will come rushing back if she sees me, and she doesnt want them to come rushing back.

 

She was apologetic and ended by saying that she feels bad and wont contact me anymore, to which I said if you change your mind about meeting up just let me know and other than take care, i hope your family is okay and speak soon. I tried to end the conversation in a lighter tone because she seemed a bit down.

 

So I guess its clear she still doesnt want me, even after 2 months, but its evident she cares about me and probably didnt want all of this messing about to happen.

 

So my question is where do I go from here? In terms of social media I have her on twitter and FB, but never really use them. I blocked her on instagram about a week ago, she readded me on snapchat just yesterday, so maybe I should keep her but not open her stories? Any advice regarding social media is appreciated.

 

Other than that what should I generally do going forward? If she does call/text should I answer and keep it short? I feel bad if I were to ignore her.

 

Thanks again guys

[Maldives]

So she called me again, about 30 mins ago...

 

She pretty much said shes sorry for messing me about, which is what she wanted to avoid.

 

She said that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, but feels that if she saw me she would want to get back with me. She implied that shes worried that if we met up we might kiss, or go even further, and that would confuse both of us, give me false hope, and put her back at 'day 1 of the BU' again.

 

I think she still has some feeling for me and is worried that they will come rushing back if she sees me, and she doesnt want them to come rushing back.

 

She was apologetic and ended by saying that she feels bad and wont contact me anymore, to which I said if you change your mind about meeting up just let me know and other than take care, i hope your family is okay and speak soon. I tried to end the conversation in a lighter tone because she seemed a bit down.

 

So I guess its clear she still doesnt want me, even after 2 months, but its evident she cares about me and probably didnt want all of this messing about to happen.

 

So my question is where do I go from here? In terms of social media I have her on twitter and FB, but never really use them. I blocked her on instagram about a week ago, she readded me on snapchat just yesterday, so maybe I should keep her but not open her stories? Any advice regarding social media is appreciated.

 

Other than that what should I generally do going forward? If she does call/text should I answer and keep it short? I feel bad if I were to ignore her.

 

Thanks again guys

 

If i wss u dude I would completly cut her off. What this does is makes her miss u and gives her the chance to figure out what she hasaid given up. Don't do it as a means to get her back but it can work. Because she's young there's an easy tactic u cld use that cld have her coming back but I wouldn't if i was u because it's a short term solution and she may go hot n cold again wen ur back wth her. But here it is anyway. Go NC post u going out have some girls in the photos not gfs but just like friends the hotter the better lol that'll increase her jealousy and she'll see u getting on and moving on without her wich will confuse her. It's reverse psychology it'll build the attraction. But like I said be warned it's most likely a short term solution and once she's back there's a good chance those same old feelings of hers will resurface wanting to play ghetto field because she's young unfortunately thats a part or the stage she's going thru

[Redhead14]

So she called me again, about 30 mins ago...

 

She pretty much said shes sorry for messing me about, which is what she wanted to avoid.

 

She said that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, but feels that if she saw me she would want to get back with me. She implied that shes worried that if we met up we might kiss, or go even further, and that would confuse both of us, give me false hope, and put her back at 'day 1 of the BU' again.

 

I think she still has some feeling for me and is worried that they will come rushing back if she sees me, and she doesnt want them to come rushing back.

 

She was apologetic and ended by saying that she feels bad and wont contact me anymore, to which I said if you change your mind about meeting up just let me know and other than take care, i hope your family is okay and speak soon. I tried to end the conversation in a lighter tone because she seemed a bit down.

 

So I guess its clear she still doesnt want me, even after 2 months, but its evident she cares about me and probably didnt want all of this messing about to happen.

 

So my question is where do I go from here? In terms of social media I have her on twitter and FB, but never really use them. I blocked her on instagram about a week ago, she readded me on snapchat just yesterday, so maybe I should keep her but not open her stories? Any advice regarding social media is appreciated.

 

Other than that what should I generally do going forward? If she does call/text should I answer and keep it short? I feel bad if I were to ignore her.

 

Thanks again guys

 

Block her number and delete it. It's done. I recommend block on all social media as well so that you are not "triggered" to emotions every time you see something. No contact is for you to heal and whatever she feels about how you handle this is her problem.

[BryanSmiley]

Although she’s been fairly open and fair, she still has dumped you, and messed you about a bit. Dangled hope etc.

 

I can see some of me in you. Why are you worrying about upsetting her by ignoring her. Not only all this time, but now on social media.

 

She put you down and has to suffer the consequences. It’s not harsh at all to cut her off, and for self preservation you should.

 

I’ve found with my most recent BU it’s hard enough seeing her occasionally in and around work. Social media, I’ve deleted/blocked her on. I’d recommend the same. It can be too tempting otherwise.

[keiji]

I think she still has some feeling for me and is worried that they will come rushing back if she sees me, and she doesnt want them to come rushing back.

 

Optimism in these cases is usually detrimental. I think she's stringing you along and setting boundaries when you get too close. Until you lose hope, and I hate to tell you this, but I think there's none, you won't start healing.

[spiderowl]

The plain fact is that if she is the dumper she is not going to be so disturbed by making contact. For her, you are someone she was close to who she could talk to. She wants to carry on with that connection. She wants to be able to meet others too. She will be pretty unaware how much it hurts you. This is why you would need to take the initiative and go no contact. She's just not going to 'get it' until she is in that position herself. It is a learning experience. I was just like her.

[Alexx94]

Thanks for all the replies, they are helpful and nice to read.

 

Its just really hard atm for me, she was my 'first love' and I thought we was going to be together forever and all that sort of stuff. Just gutted really and I can tell she is probably the same.

 

Saying that, since we have broken up she has changed into a completely different person, or so it seems. Going out more, putting herself out there on social media, she seems to be vain now and always seeking boy attention which isnt the same girl I knew. I guess all of this is just helping me get over her because shes not the same nice, innocent girl that i was with.