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AJWW

By AJWW
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AJWW New Member

AJWW

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

I need help...

 

Am 34yrs old & i'm insecure.

 

For the last 11yrs it's been exactly the same, every relationship the same pattern. All good for 4-6months, then i get insecure. In that time i have had 4 girlfriends & all didn't last more than 2 years because of me. I would become controlling to try and manage the insecurity but it just made things worse then i would break up with them because i was becoming miserable with my mind constantly worrying about guys starring at my girlfriend or messages on phone, facebook etc.. or if girlfriends dressed revealing.

 

in past whenever i tried to talk to girlfriends i would just be told that i have a problem & that i need help & often times they would be nasty about it. i don't know why i am insecure, all i know is i don't want to be but i don't know how to stop it. I don't know what caused it, whether it was getting cheated on in my first relationship or my second relationship my girlfriend leaving me for my "friend". All i know is that whatever it is, is slowly killing my enthusiasm for life.

 

My current girlfriend is amazing & loves me so much, we are having a baby in 5 months & i need this to end. I was so hessitant to get with her because of my past relationships & i didn't want the same again. But each week i feel worse, for example if my girlfriend wears revealing clothes & guys stare i constantly feel anxious or angry, not towards my girlfriend but in general & i hate it.

 

in life i am a confident person, play semi professional soccer, have a good job & good friends & have no fears or insecurities with anything else in life, but relationships. The girlfriends before my current were all good women & i ruined good things by behaviour, i was never violent, just harsh with words which wasn't nice. I find it hard to grasp why a woman would dress revealing if she already has a man, if they know the outcome will be attention.

 

i didn't come here to be judged, i'm not a bad person, i just want help or advise to help me stop this. I have seen counsellors in the past & their usual response was logical but putting it into practise is not so easy, if i see a guy staring at my girls ass right in front of me, it's not a conscious decision, i feel it & it eats at me.

 

Any advise or guidance is appreciated

 

AJ

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

Instead of trying to get a girlfriend, you need to get a therapist to get at the root of why you self-sabotage at the point when the "good behavior representatives" get dismissed and the real you comes to the fore.

 

It sounds to me as if you freak out when it's time for the girl to get to know the real you because you haven't dealt with issues that cause you to act out in this way.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

You have been suffering the same pattern for over 11 years and never thought to seek professional help?

 

That's my advice....seek out what kind of therapy/counseling you need to figure out how to control these feelings of insecurity.

 

Note: even healthy people can need counseling.

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

My current girlfriend is amazing & loves me so much, we are having a baby in 5 months & i need this to end.

 

I am glad you recognize the urgency of the situation. Your only answer is therapy. I know you said you tried it before but finding a good therapist is like finding a good pair of shoes, you've got to try them on first. So find yourself a good therapist and why not a support group while at it. Therapist are good at picking your brain but a good support group is where you'll learn tricks to get over the day to day frustrations.

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AJWW New Member

AJWW

Posted
  • Author
Posted

in total i have seen 6 different therapists.

 

i spent a lot of money trying that option & it would all make perfect logical sense but in practise eventually something would trigger me.

I understand she is with me for a reason & she loves me & is having my baby, i am a smart enough guy to recognise all these things. But guys openly making an effort to stare at my girlfriend when i'm right next to her i feel like it's disrespectful. I would never do that to another mans woman.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

Don't make a pretty woman your wife

So from my personal point of view

Get an ugly girl to marry you

 

A pretty woman makes her husband look small

And very often causes his downfall

As soon as he marries her, then she starts

Doin' the things that will break his heart

 

But if you make an ugly woman your wife

You'll be happy for the rest of your life

An ugly woman cooks your meals on time

An she'll always give you peace of mind

 

-Trini Lopez

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted
in total i have seen 6 different therapists.

 

i spent a lot of money trying that option & it would all make perfect logical sense but in practise eventually something would trigger me.

I understand she is with me for a reason & she loves me & is having my baby, i am a smart enough guy to recognise all these things. But guys openly making an effort to stare at my girlfriend when i'm right next to her i feel like it's disrespectful. I would never do that to another mans woman.

 

You can't control other people, the only person you can control is yourself and your own reactions to this type of thing.

I'd be very surprised if none of the 6 therapists told you this - if in fact you spoke to them about it.

I'm guessing you feel anger when this happens?

If so then has your therapy been anger management or just regular general therapy?

  • Like 3
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
in total i have seen 6 different therapists.

 

i spent a lot of money trying that option & it would all make perfect logical sense but in practise eventually something would trigger me.

I understand she is with me for a reason & she loves me & is having my baby, i am a smart enough guy to recognise all these things. But guys openly making an effort to stare at my girlfriend when i'm right next to her i feel like it's disrespectful. I would never do that to another mans woman.

 

She could be wearing sweats and no make up and men will still stare at her. Why? Because that's what some men do. Outside of gouging out their eyes, there's nothing you can do about it except feel good in the sense that she chose to be with you and not them.

 

You can't control anyone but yourself--and this is the issue you need to discuss with a therapist. Find your 7th one and quit rebelling when they say something you dont' want to hear, but need to hear. Denial of your problem and what you bring to this situation are your problems.

reeseyummy Member

reeseyummy

Posted
Posted

Have you told her how you feel? Try telling her like how you are writing this post now. Tell her you are a good guy, and you're smart enough to know that she loves you very much, and you want this to work for both of you. Maybe start meeting in between. How revealing is she dressing? I have a friend who wears mostly t-shirts so her husband doesn't get jealous. He doesn't like her wearing "lower collar" tops, because it can show some cleavage.. She's fine with it and she doesn't hate t-shirts anyways. A little compromise is fine by me.

Titanll Established Member

Titanll

Posted
Posted (edited)
"I find it hard to grasp why a woman would dress revealing if she already has a man, if they know the outcome will be attention."

 

She could be dressing for you. She could be dressing the way she wants and that is none of your business.

 

"i didn't come here to be judged, i'm not a bad person, i just want help or advise to help me stop this. I have seen counsellors in the past & their usual response was logical but putting it into practise is not so easy, if i see a guy staring at my girls ass right in front of me, it's not a conscious decision, i feel it & it eats at me."

 

Not sure anyone cares that you don't want to be judged or that you think you are not a bad person. You are insecure about more things than you suggest you are.

So question: What do you do when a guy checks out your girl's ass? Man up and handle it or steam about it and take it out on her later?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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act00 Established Member

act00

Posted
Posted

First of all, you're going to chase women away when you try to control their every move. How about you just enjoy this wonderful woman who CHOSE YOU.

 

I don't know what you consider to be revealing clothing. She dresses this way because it makes her feel good, and she dresses this way because she knows you like it. She will get looks from other men. Beautiful women always do. She CHOSE YOU and wants to be with you. You have this beautiful woman that is all yours. Other men think she's pretty and like to look at her, but she's with you.

 

You don't get to run her life and dictate her dress and behavior. You do get to enjoy her as the person you love and enjoy. You will run her off like all the other women if you try to control her and blame her for being pretty and men look at her. Keep seeking counseling. Sometimes you have to go through a few to find one you really connect with and who can help you with tools to cope with the daily onslaught of your destructive thoughts. You have no reason to believe she'll cheat on you, but you will ultimately force her to leave you if you continue this boorish, controlling, abusive, jealous behavior.

 

Instead of getting angry with HER because she's pretty and men look at her, be ever so pleased YOU are the lucky one who gets her attention and her love.

 

Did she dress the way she dresses when you met her? And suddenly you want to change it? Grow up, dude, or pick someone who dresses modestly and is unattractive after this one dumps you. I'm guessing you'll get mad at her too because she doesn't dress more pretty and revealing and doesn't do anything to make herself more attractive...you really have issues. Fix them.

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AJWW New Member

AJWW

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thankyou for all the replies,

 

really means a lot & i am already seeking more help. I don't have answers to your questions, other than i know i am in the wrong.

 

But for why i guess i will never know, i was raised by the best parents & had a great family life.

 

Also i left all the girlfriends, they didn't want me to leave they wanted to try and help me, i was never abusive to them & if anything it was abusive to me, i was self inflicting pain on myself with my thoughts.

 

All of them said the same thing... you are the most amazing person i've ever met, but if only you didn't get inescure.

 

Am already seeking professional help again, thankyou for all your input

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