Tailor2000 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) Where to begin. I've been in a relationship almost a year now. At the beginning, it was great. But after a few months, I got tired. Really quickly. I've been looking for a way to get out for many months. But I feel sorry for her. I feel most time like her therapist, and hoping that tomorrow, she'll show me signs of improvement. She's insecure, jealous, obsessive, posessive, snaps at anything. She loves me so much. But she has no confidence or self esteem, she puts me on a pedestal. She cannot find any fault in me. She spends all her money on me and none on herself, because she doesn't believe she's worth it. For someone who can't find any fault, she sure can complain. She says she doesn't mind me seeing my friends, as long as I give her plenty of notice so that she can make other arrangements. That's quite acceptable. I used to feel the same way about my ex who would let me down at the last minute. Except. When I do say I have other plans, she gives the whole guilt trip, which may include any one of the following - accusations that I don't love her, that Im prioritising someone else ahead of her, tears, crying, sobbing, weeping, sarcastic posts on Facebook. That sort of stuff. She constantly thinks Im flirting with other people. I only have to be polite to someone serving me behind the counter and she thinks Im flirting. If I point out something, say, she's forgotten to brush her teeth, or point out the toothpaste on her chin, I don't know who Im going to get. I'll either get miss jokey laugh it off, or I'll get the person who thinks I've just given her the biggest insult ever and I clearly don't love her. She's scared of the elevator, so I insist we take the stairs, and she's upset because Im taking her feelings into consideration instead of accepting that she's playing the martyr and playing second fiddle and forcing her into a lift. If Im five minutes late to her house, there's drama. If I help her clean up and clean up something she's missed, she sulks. She's looking for something, I help her find it, she snaps at me that she's looking for something else. I ask where she wants to eat, she snaps a reply and I politely and calmly state that I was just giving her the option. If I ask her a question like, why she's doing something the opposite of what she said she would do, she sulks. If I ask why she's out of breath, she sulks. I have to stop over at least once a week, and if I don't, she thinks I don't love her. She doesn't want me to use protection because she doesn't like it. But Im not risking pregnancy. Well it's got to the stage. I do love her. I just don't think Im in love with her anymore. Im so tired. Im exhausted. I want out. But she's been the first major girlfriend I've had in a long time. In many respects we get on so well. But I can't take the drama. I know Im to blame for a lot, because I haven't drawn the boundaries. I've been too accomodating, too understanding. I appreciate where her anxieties come from. I realise she's insecure. She has got much better since I've been with her. I've been doing everything I can to build up her confidence and self esteem. I don't think I'll get anyone else like her. But. I can't take anymore. On top of that, Im beginning to find that Im not bothered about sex. Or sleeping with anyone. I'd rather just have a good companionship/friendship type relationship and not have to bother with "being one" with the other. Im testing a religious vocation too. She's not happy about that. She's threatened suicide to me and a couple of others around me. I just don't know what to do. There's pros and cons in all scenarios. I can't find out what's best. It's fair to say I feel like I've lost myself since I've been with her. I've put on weight and lost contact with various friends and families. Im sorting that out now. What to do? Edited April 19, 2017 by Tailor2000
KrimzonWolf Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 The relationship between you and your girlfriend is very similar to how my parents are. Except, my dad is the insecure, jealous, obsessive, possessive, snaps at anything kind of personality. The big difference between my parents and you and your girlfriend is that they've been married 23 years. With that said, my mom loves my dad, but she's had to put up with a lot. The good thing about your situation is that you know what you're getting into. Sometimes it takes 2 to 3 years for people to finally unveil their true colors (as I have found out). Just some food for thought.
devilish innocent Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 You say you don't know what to do, but the rest of your post sounds like you do. This relationship is bringing you down much more than any relationship ever should. Feeling sorry for somebody is not a reason to stay with them. If you don't want to be with her, then stringing her along isn't doing her any favors. You need to be upfront and tell her that you're moving on. If your nervous about what she might do then talk to a friend or family members of hers and ask if they can keep an eye on her. Good luck!
Author Tailor2000 Posted April 20, 2017 Author Posted April 20, 2017 The reason I'm in two minds is because despite the issues, get love for me seems quite genuine. When we're happy, we're very happy. I'm not sure if I'll ever find anyone like her again. Does her positive points outweigh the negative? Can i hold on to the rollercoaster? Guess these are rhetorical questions. I just don't want to shut out something good because i cant love unselfishly or something.
Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 Im so tired. Im exhausted. 0f course you're exhausted. She's draining the life out of YOU because SHE is insecure and high-maintenance emotionally at least. I've been doing everything I can to build up her confidence and self esteem. -- This is a losing battle for you. All that has to be addressed and reconciled from the inside. She's threatened suicide??? -- That's manipulation and an indicator of an extremely emotionally crippled individual. I recommend you end this relationship. If she threatens suicide, you call the police and let them handle the situation. And, God forbid she does commit suicide, you need to recognize and understand that you didn't cause it. She has issues that are well outside of your "skill set" to deal with effectively. This is actually a toxic relationship. I do love her. -- You don't love HER, you love who you wish/want her to be. You're trying to "build" a partner/person. Frankenstein built a man. Sure, it sorta looked like a man and he got it to walk around, but it wasn't pretty . . . 2
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 What to do? Reread your message. Focus on all the things that you have said are concerning and know that you have raised MANY red flags. If you stay with this woman, you will share a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship. You are not her counsellor, you are her boyfriend. Think about that, seriously. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 The reason I'm in two minds is because despite the issues, get love for me seems quite genuine. When we're happy, we're very happy. I'm not sure if I'll ever find anyone like her again. Does her positive points outweigh the negative? Can i hold on to the rollercoaster? Guess these are rhetorical questions. I just don't want to shut out something good because i cant love unselfishly or something. I just don't want to shut out something good because i cant love unselfishly -- Loving someone unselfishly is one thing, losing oneself in another person/relationship is something else entirely. Being unselfish in a relationship is more about making concessions/compromises for the good of the relationship/partner sometimes. It's not about tolerating/ignoring/dismissing bad behaviors and lack of mutual concern on a regular/protracted basis at your own expense mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. 1
kendahke Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 I just don't want to shut out something good because i cant love unselfishly or something. But this isn't something good. 3
smackie9 Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 You are not her therapist.....it's not YOUR job to help with her demons....she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her issues, and not dump them onto you just because you are her BF. She needs tough love, not someone who keeps enabling her behavior. Tell her to get some damn help. 2
Zahara Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 (edited) - I feel most time like her therapist - she's insecure - she's jealous - she's obsessive - she's posessive - she snaps at anything - she has no confidence or self esteem - she doesn't believe she's worth it - she gives the whole guilt trip - she makes accusations that I don't love her - tears, crying, sobbing, weeping, sarcastic posts on Facebook - she constantly thinks I'm flirting with other people - if I point out something, I don't know who I'm going to get - I'll get the person who thinks I've just given her the biggest insult ever and I clearly don't love her - she's upset because Im taking her feelings into consideration instead of accepting that she's playing the martyr and playing second fiddle and forcing her into a lift - if Im five minutes late to her house, there's drama - if I help her clean up and clean up something she's missed, she sulks - she's looking for something, I help her find it, she snaps at me that she's looking for something else - I ask where she wants to eat, she snaps a reply and I politely and calmly state that I was just giving her the option - If I ask her a question like, why she's doing something the opposite of what she said she would do, she sulks - If I ask why she's out of breath, she sulks - I have to stop over at least once a week, and if I don't, she thinks I don't love her. - she doesn't want me to use protection because she doesn't like it (HUGE RED FLAG) I'm not sure where in all of this you both get on well. This is extreme. This isn't love. This is a toxic attachment between two people who are bound together by dysfunction. I've been doing everything I can to build up her confidence and self esteem. This is futile. You can't change someone. I don't think I'll get anyone else like her. But. I can't take anymore. You've lowered your standards to such an extent that this is all you think you deserve. You have to be in such denial that you think there's nothing better for you out there. She's threatened suicide to me and a couple of others around me. Manipulative behavior. This is about control. The next time she threatens, call the police, 911 and her parents. Stop enabling this kind of behavior. Let the proper authorities deal with this kind of emotional issues. She loves me so much. She doesn't love you. She's co-dependent. Don't confuse toxicity for love. Edited April 20, 2017 by Zahara 2
tart6245 Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 It sounds like we're dating the same person. My girlfriend is the same as yours and I'm feeling just as you are. I love her and I know she loves me, but she's constantly picking at me, keeping me from my friends, guilting me if I do anything she doesn't like Last night we got into a terrible fight because she found a picture from my ex, who I hadn't spoken to in a year, in one of drawers I was cleaning out before I move. I hadn't seen the picture in over a year and had no idea. But she was going through my things, found it, and suddenly accused me of missing my ex, wanting to be with her, talking to her constantly, and that I had my ex over the night we were apart. It's just insanity. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex since last summer and have no desire to. I'm weighing whether to just end things or give it a go, but I don't see mine or your situation changing. 1
Author Tailor2000 Posted April 20, 2017 Author Posted April 20, 2017 (edited) I needed all that. Thank you. To hear other people coming out with the words I know myself to be true, hearing everything echoed to me that deep down I know. Co-dependency, that's a good word. And I'll come on more to that later. For now, looking up co-dependency, yes, I feel a sense of obligation towards her. Im enabling her aren't I? Yes, she is draining the life out of me. I've realised quite recently that I can't take this any further forward. She needs a therapist. Whether I stay with her or not, was the next question. And was I reading the situation right? You're not the first person who's called this toxic. I don't know whether she was joking, but yeah, she's threatened to slash herself. I don't think she's being deliberately manipulative, it's just that whatever damaged and fragile person is inside of her, needs me in order for her to feel love because she cannot feel love for herself. She's said that without me, her life is nothing. This is extremely worrying for me. She's put me on a pedestal, she cannot find love with in herself, she uses me as a source of love, to feed her self esteem. This unfortunately isn't a healthy relationship in my mind. She cannot truly love me because she doesn't love herself. I do love her. Or at least I love the potential. Underneath all that chaotic mess, is someone who I sense has a really sweet and innocent love, a genuine, person. I love that side of her. I've learned a lot about relationships because of her, and enjoyed coupley things which I thought were out of my reach. I have the inkling that while she's still with me, she'll never be able to look inside herself for happiness. For both of our sake, I need to say goodbye don't I? She'll play the guilt trip. She'll threaten more. She'll cry more. What do I do? Ignore it? Not be drawn back in? We've come really close to splitting up previously, but her comments draw me back in. This is where I need to get busy and get out with my friends. I know it's not my responsibility, but I do feel I need to find people around her who can support her and get her into the counselling she needs. Im not rushing anything just yet. Why do I keep trying to find ways to let her down gently? Edited April 20, 2017 by Tailor2000
Zahara Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 What do I do? Ignore it? Not be drawn back in? We've come really close to splitting up previously, but her comments draw me back in. This is where I need to get busy and get out with my friends. I know it's not my responsibility, but I do feel I need to find people around her who can support her and get her into the counselling she needs. Im not rushing anything just yet. Why do I keep trying to find ways to let her down gently? Does she have family? If she has, then let them know her state of mind. They need to intervene, especially with threats of suicide. You are not her responsibility. The next time she does this -- contact the authorities. If she's serious, they can help her. If she isn't, it'll be a boot up her butt for being manipulative. There's a saying -- you can't pour from an empty cup. You're in no position to be supporting her when you yourself are behaving on a dysfunctional level. You are trying to let her down gently because you feel guilt. She's become an extension of you. She's the parasite and you are the host. You believe you need to rescue her. Unfortunately, nothing changes until you both are separated. You've become a huge enabler and in that process you've lost your own sense of self.
preraph Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 I don't view this as all your fault. A lot of it is just the process of dating someone long enough to begin to see all their quirks they probably hid at first. She sounds like she has some issues and that she isn't happy no matter what. There are exceptions, of course, temporary depression, hard time in life, etc, but what I've noticed over the years is that people are just naturally happy or unhappy, content or discontent, or somewhere in the middle, most of the time, and it is just their personality and upbringing. I'll use myself as an example. Though one of my unicorns and rainbows friends believes that only talking about positive things assures that you are happy and well and thinks I am irretrievably negative because I'm realistic and don't mind discussing reality, my little secret I carry around is that even though I am 64, on a cane, and working two jobs for not enough money, in a rundown house, there is a little voice in my head on a regular basis that makes me feel like something very good is just on the horizon, makes me feel like something lucky is about to happen to me, makes me ever on the alert for a good opportunity. And then I go home and sit at my desk working and look out at the beautiful lush green back yard and my dogs out there, and feel all is well. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I remember feeling that way just out of college, and lo and behold, I did get some good opportunities then. But luck has never been how I got what I have. It's always just been hard work and calculation. So it doesn't make a lot of sense, but we all have that voice inside of us that makes us feel lucky or makes us feel discontent or something in between. And unfortunately, hers is discontent, and it's unlikely there's anything you can ever do to change that for more than just a minute. Choose happiness.
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